Worst Date Ever

by J. S. Cooper

  “Obviously he knew Lucas and I were not actually dating. I just slept with him last week. I know he doesn’t know me from Adam, but I’m not that big a ho.”

  “Yeah, but he doesn’t know that,” she pointed out.

  “Abby!”

  “What?”

  “I’ve got a bone to pick with you, by the way.”

  “Oh, gosh. What did I do now?”

  “He told me some of the things you said to him on the dating app.”

  “Oops.” Her cheeks turned a little pink. “Okay, I might’ve got a little bit carried away, but I wanted to ensure you got the date. And I mean, he was a hottie in his photos, and I knew I had to push it if he was going to say yes.”

  “Well, thank you. He totally thought I was going to be someone I wasn’t. But anyway, that doesn’t matter now.”

  “Um, so, you had a good time within this weekend or …?”

  “He’s a jerk,” I sighed, “Just like I thought. And I was stupid again.”

  “What do you mean you were stupid again? What did you do? Oh my gosh, you did not have a threesome with him and Lucas, did you?”

  “Ew, no! I didn’t have a threesome with him and Lucas—who’s gay.”

  “I know, but maybe Lucas wanted to sample the goods.”

  “Sample the goods with who?” I shook my head, “Jack is his cousin, and I’m one of his best friends, and I’m a woman with breasts and a vagina. He doesn’t like that, remember?”

  “Okay, okay. So, you slept with Jack, then?”

  “Yes, I slept with him again. Ugh, I’m such an idiot.”

  “It was bad?”

  “No, it wasn’t bad. It was amazing. He’s got the touch of a Greek god. Oh, I can’t stand him!”

  “You can’t stand him because he’s good in bed?”

  “No, I can’t stand him because he’s such an asshole.”

  “Girl, you knew he was an asshole before you slept with him again.”

  “I know.” I went over to the couch and sat down. “But … there’s one thing.”

  “What?” She came and sat down next to me, still holding her fingers in the air.

  “He seems like he actually has a slightly deeper side.”

  “Oh? Really? Like he can get into you deep.” She gyrated her hips a little bit, and I giggled.

  “He can get into me deep,” I conceded. “But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  “So then, what are you talking about, if it’s not his ginormous cock.”

  “Abby.”

  “What?” She laughed. “If he can get into you so deep that you’re giggling about it, he has to be pretty big.”

  “I mean, I wasn’t complaining.” I winked at her.

  “I want all the dirty details, girl.”

  “Nope, I am not kissing and telling.”

  “What about fucking and telling?”

  “No, Abby. I’m not going to tell you any more. Plus, I don’t even want to think about it again.”

  “So, okay, how is he deeper?”

  “So, the night that we slept together, I was actually hiding under the duvet because his granddad came into the room.”

  “Ooh, that sounds so hot and sexy.”

  “Trust me, it wasn’t sexy. I thought I was going to suffocate. I was so scared we’d get caught, and what would his grandfather have thought? I’m dating one grandson, but I’m in bed with the other one? So tawdry. It’s like one of those TV shows about royals.”

  “What’s that TV show where that one girl’s like hooking up with everyone in the royal family?” Abby mused.

  “I have no idea. Is it on Lifetime?”

  “No,” she giggled, “Does Lifetime have shows about the royal family?”

  “I think so. They’ve got a movie about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry almost every week,” I said drily.

  “Oh, yeah. That’s true. That movie was so shit.”

  “It was, wasn’t it?” I laughed then got serious again. “But anyway, his granddad was there and was talking about how his prognosis isn’t good, and he wants Jack to take care of the family and I guess to run the business, and I didn’t follow everything he was saying, but I assume that his granddad’s going to die soon.”

  “Whoa.” Abby’s face looked serious all of a sudden. “That is deep shit. Jack’s not that old, is he?”

  “No, I think he’s in his 30s.”

  “Wow, and he has to take care of his family. That’s a lot.”

  “Yeah. I feel like that must be a lot of pressure. And I told you, right?”

  “Told me what?”

  “He’s a football star. Or, at least he was. I guess he was in the NFL.”

  “I know.” She nodded.

  “How did you know?”

  “You said his name was Jack Morrison, right? He was pretty big when he was in the NFL. Everyone knew about him. He was like in the newspapers all the time and on all those entertainment shows.”

  “He was? How do you know?”

  “Because he was dating like every model and actress in Hollywood,” she laughed. “But I mean, I doubt he’s doing that now,” she said quickly.

  “I don’t care. He could be screwing half the world for all I care,” I rolled my eyes. “That’s not my problem.”

  “Okay,” she nodded, “So you don’t like him …?”

  “No, of course I don’t like him.”

  “Okay, I’m just checking because the first time you slept with him, you said you didn’t like him, but here you are, and you’ve slept with him again.”

  “I didn’t even know he was going to be there. It was a lapse of judgment.”

  “Girl, you’ve had two lapses of judgment with this guy already,” she laughed. “I mean, I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s got you dick-matized.”

  “He’s got me what?”

  “You get it, right? Dick-matized. Like hypnotized but with his dick? I just heard that saying recently. I thought it was funny.”

  “It’s so stupid,” I laughed, “But I can’t lie. He has got me a little bit dick-matized. Oh my gosh, girl. If you could see his body. It’s totally amazing.”

  “I can imagine.” She sighed dreamily. “I need to meet me a Jack Morrison and get me some dick too.”

  I snorted at the crude language. “Really, Abby?”

  “What? It’s been a while for me as well, girl. Maybe you should go on the dating app and get someone for me now.”

  “Uh uh. Remember we said that we weren’t going to do this anymore?”

  “What? That’s not fair. I did it for you.”

  “Uh-huh. And look how that turned out.”

  “Hey, hey, we all live and learn, right?” She grinned. “And anyway, I’m not going to have time today. I’ve got to focus on impressing Dylan McAllister.”

  “Dylan McAllister. Wow,” I shook my head, “You’re really excited about this job. He must be really good looking for you to care this much.”

  “I mean, I’ve never seen him in person, but the photos I have seen of him, he looks mm-mm good!” she sang.

  My phone started beeping just then, and I pulled it out of my purse. “Huh, I’ve got a text from an unknown number.”

  “So, it’s probably spam, girl. Just delete it.”

  “No, hold on. Let me read it. The person knows my name,” I read the text out loud, “Hey, Isabella. It was great meeting you this weekend. This is Max. The guy that works for Jack? The guy you danced with just in case you forgot. I was wondering if you’d like to go for drinks sometime.” I raised my eyebrows as I looked at Abby.

  She looked back at me in confusion. “Who the hell is Max? What is going on here, girl?”

  “He’s a guy that I met. We kind of danced on the night that I slept with Jack, but—”

  “What? You’re such a player! You have one guy and you slept with another one, and all while you’re pretending to be someone else’s girlfriend. You go, girl,” she put her hand up to high-five me, and I starte
d giggling.

  “You don’t want me to touch the fingers, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah,” she said, blowing on her fingernails, “I do not want to have to paint my nails again. This is already my second go-around.”

  I looked back at the text. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know what to do? Go on the date. If you were dancing with him, you must think he’s kind of good-looking.”

  “He’s cute, but it would be kind of awkward.”

  “Why would it be awkward?”

  “Because he works with Jack.”

  “So? You’ve already said you’re not interested in Jack, right?”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “And you’re not going to see him again, right?”

  “No way.”

  “So go on this date with Max. Have some drinks. See what it’s like. Have some fun. We’re young, girl, and we’re not going to have these chances when we get older.”

  “Fine.” I quickly texted him back, “Sounds good. When are you thinking?” and then sat back. “Okay, well, we’ll see what happens.”

  “I’m so excited for you, Isabella.”

  “Excited about what?”

  “That you’re finally getting some action.”

  “More like drama.”

  “So? Drama is exciting.”

  “No, it’s not. I like just eating pizza and watching TV. I don’t need this drama in my life. I want a boyfriend, a stable, handsome, loving boyfriend who will sit on the couch with me and kiss me and eat pizza with me and love me. Is that too much to ask for?”

  “Yes,” she snorted. “That’s what we all want, girl. And none of us in this house have it yet.”

  “Maybe one day,” I sighed.

  “I hope so.” She sat back against the couch. “But you’ve got me for tonight. Want to grab a pizza and watch a movie?”

  “I guess you’re off the diet as well?”

  “Oh, yeah,” she grinned, “I’m off the diet as well. We’ll try again next month.”

  “Sounds like a plan to me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “So, I have a date with Max tonight,” I told Abby as I entered the kitchen. She was taking a box of cereal out of the cupboard.

  “Want some?” She held it up.

  “Sure.”

  “So, are you excited for your date?”

  “I guess, kind of? I’m not sure. It’s weird. I don’t really know him, but I guess it will be fun.

  “How’s Lucas? Have you spoken to him recently? Do you know what’s going on with the coffee shop?”

  “No, I haven’t seen him since last week when we got back. I figure he’ll tell me when he knows something. I’m teaching a class tomorrow.” I rolled my eyes.

  “You don’t sound happy about it.”

  “It’s at the senior center in Queens.”

  “Oh, you really don’t like those classes, do you?”

  “I mean, they’re okay. I just feel like there’s so many people in each class, and I don’t have enough time to go one-on-one with each of them, you know? If I had my own studio and could teach my own classes, I’d limit the number of students so that I can really provide great feedback and help people. Because everyone wants to paint something that they’re proud of, and I just don’t feel like I can do that when I’m in a class with 30 different people for two hours, trying to teach them how to paint a plant or something, you know?”

  “I understand, girl. So, what are you going to wear for your date tonight?”

  “I don’t know. A cute dress or something. We’re just going to get a drink, so I don’t want to overdo it.”

  “Well, you always look cute, whatever you wear.”

  “You’re so sweet.”

  “Who’s so sweet?” Emma asked as she walked into the kitchen and joined us.

  “Abby is. She was just telling me that I always looked good.”

  “Because you do,” Emma yawned and ran her hands through her hair.

  “Isabella’s going on a date tonight,” Abby told Emma.

  “Ooh, that guy that you met the other day?”

  “Did I tell you about him?” I frowned.

  “No, but Abby did.” Emma opened the refrigerator door.

  “Thanks, Abby.”

  “What? There are no secrets among best friends. I didn’t think you’d mind if I told her what went down.”

  “I don’t mind. So, you got all the details?” I asked Emma.

  “Yep. I know all about Jack and Max and Lucas and whichever other guy you have coming up next.”

  “Ha-ha, very funny. There are no more guys.” My phone dinged. “Oh, someone’s texting me. Be right back.”

  I hurried to my bedroom and picked it up. There was another unknown number. Why were so many unknown numbers texting me?

  “Hey, Isabella, this is Jack Morrison. Would love to chat with you about the coffee shop and your ideas for the art studio. Call me.”

  I took the phone with me back into the kitchen. “You will not believe who just texted me.”

  “Barack Obama?” Abby said with a grin.

  “Abby, you’re such an idiot.”

  “I don’t know. Brad Pitt?”

  “Yeah. Brad Pitt just texted me. He just wanted to say hello.”

  “I know,” Emma said. “Bradley Cooper.”

  “Why would Bradley Cooper be texting me?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe he wants you to be in one of his movies.”

  “Yeah, that sounds very logical, doesn’t it?”

  “Okay, then tell us who. Your question was just as stupid as our answers,” Abby replied.

  “Whatever, but it was Jack.”

  “No way!” Abby handed me the bowl of cereal. “Jack?”

  “Yep.”

  “Jack Jack?”

  “How many Jacks are there, girlfriend?”

  “I mean, I know there aren’t many, but I just wanted to make sure. What did he say?”

  “He said he needed to talk to me about my ideas about the gallery part of the coffee shop.”

  “Oh wow. That’s positive, right?”

  “Why does he need to talk to me? It’s none of his business. That’s between me and Lucas.”

  “Okay. So, what are you going to tell him?”

  “He asked me to call him and I’m going to tell him no.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep.” I pulled out my phone and typed “Sorry, not available for a call.”

  He responded immediately. “You have no time all day?”

  “Nope. No time all day,” I sent back quickly.

  “Well then, I guess we can just text about it.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “How much space do you think you’ll need for your art supplies and for the classes? How many people do you envision in each class?”

  I looked up at my friends after I read the text. “Well, it looks like he’s serious about these questions.”

  “What’s he asking?”

  “He’s asking the sort of space I’m going to need for the art supplies in the classes.”

  “Do you know?”

  “Girl, I have no idea.” I responded “The classes will be five people max. So, one big table should work. And I’m hoping that we can fit in two drawers for the art supplies and then wall space for the paintings.”

  “Can you not meet for lunch today?” he responded.

  “No, sorry.”

  “Dinner?”

  “Busy. Got plans.”

  “Are you going to make this difficult, Isabella?”

  “Nope.”

  “You can’t meet me tonight?”

  “I honestly can’t meet you tonight. I have plans. Sorry.”

  “Plans with who?”

  “As if I’m going to tell you that,” I responded quickly.

  “What’s he saying? What’re you saying? You’re typing ferociously,” Abby said, sitting next to me at t
he table.

  “He is just trying to convince me to go to dinner with him and I’m telling him no and that I have plans. And he wants to know with who.”

  “He’s nosy, isn’t he?” Emma said.

  “Yeah, like that’s any of his business.”

  “I wonder how he got your phone number.”

  “I think it’s quite obvious how he got my phone number. He probably got it from Lucas. I’m going to kill Lucas,” I grumbled. My phone beeped again as another message came through.

  “I’ve been thinking about you.”

  I stared at his texts. I wasn’t going to tell him I’d been thinking about him as well, though I had been. I didn’t respond. He sent another text right away.

  “Knock, knock.”

  I wasn’t going to respond, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Who’s there?”

  “Lettuce.”

  “Lettuce who?”

  “Lettuce in, it’s only a joke.”

  “Ha-ha,” I responded. “I think I told that joke when I was in first grade.”

  “Fine. Knock, knock.”

  “Who’s there?”

  “Boo.”

  “Boo who?”

  “There’s no need to cry, it’s only a joke.”

  “Really, Jack? Don’t you have time for anything better? I thought you were a CEO of a billion-dollar company. Why are you wasting your time sending me these ridiculous jokes?”

  “Because I wanted to make you smile. And I wanted to make you have dinner with me.”

  “I already told you I’m busy.”

  “Tomorrow then.”

  “Tomorrow nothing.”

  “You really hate me, huh?”

  “I don’t hate you; I just don’t think we have anything to say to each other.”

  “Fine,” he said, “I’ll leave you alone.”

  “Good,” I responded. I put the phone down and I stared at Abby and Emma who were gazing at me with wide eyes.

  “What is going on?” Abby asked, breathless. “You looked absolutely fierce as you were sending those text messages back and forth.”

  “I just don’t understand why he’s texting me. I don’t understand why he wants to see me. He’s the one that pretty much dissed me and now he’s trying to meet up for dinner to talk about something that I’m really not even that invested in. I’m not putting up money for this. This is between him and Lucas,” I said.