It Sounded Better in My Head

by Nina Kenwood

  ‘Well, I haven’t lied about anything.’

  ‘You told your mum that it was Zach under the doona.’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Well, aside from that.’

  ‘I’m so embarrassed. I can’t ever look your mum in the eye again.’

  ‘Now you are overreacting. It’s not like she caught us in the middle of something.’

  ‘But she thinks she did, which is the same.’

  ‘She doesn’t know what to think yet.’

  I poke my head out the door, hoping that Mariella is not around and I can safely scurry upstairs.

  ‘Natalie?’

  Mariella has seen me.

  ‘Can you and Alex come out here, please?’

  ‘Okay.’

  We walk out into the lounge room, where Lucy and Zach are sitting at the table. Zach looks grumpy, but he always looks grumpy in the morning, and Lucy is staring down at the table, with her hands folded like a nun. She looks up, meets my eye, smiles, and suddenly I am overcome with the urge to giggle.

  I bite down on my lower lip, hard enough to feel pain, to stop myself from laughing.

  ‘Okay, everyone.’ Mariella claps her hands. She looks Very Disappointed, in that universal parent way.

  Lucy reaches over and holds my hand in hers. I want to laugh again, because the situation feels both serious and absurd. I squeeze her hand and she squeezes back.

  ‘Firstly, I want to say I feel really let down by you all,’ says Mariella.

  We all nod.

  ‘Especially Alex and Zach.’

  They nod solemnly.

  ‘Mum, can I say something?’ Zach says.

  ‘Not until I’m finished.’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Well, now I’ve lost my train of thought.’

  ‘You were talking about your deep disappointment in everyone, but most especially your sons,’ Alex says, leaning his chin on his hand.

  ‘That’s right. And do you know what I’m disappointed about?’ She pauses. Lucy and I look at each other. Are we supposed to guess?

  No one says anything. Alex yawns. I frown at him.

  ‘I’m disappointed in the fact that I trusted all of you, and now you’ve broken that trust.’

  ‘Mum, can I just say one thing?’ Zach says again.

  ‘I have always been very happy for you to have people over,’ Mariella continues, ignoring him, ‘on the proviso that you’ll abide by the rules. And now that you have broken the rules, I’m going to have to be much stricter.’

  Lucy raises her hand like we’re in a classroom.

  ‘Yes, Lucy?’

  ‘I just want to say I’m really sorry, and I appreciate how welcoming you’ve always been to me, and I promise not to be deceitful again.’

  ‘Me too,’ I chime in.

  ‘Girls, I love you like daughters, and I want to feel comfortable having you in my home. But I can’t feel comfortable if you’re sneaking around behind my back.’ She dramatically puts a hand over her eyes.

  ‘Mum there’s a really easy solution here,’ Zach says.

  ‘What’s that?’ Mariella says, removing the hand.

  ‘Let Lucy and me share a bed.’

  ‘Absolutely not.’ Mariella’s hand goes back over her eyes and she sits down at the table.

  ‘We’re both adults.’

  ‘You are not! You are still only seventeen years old, Zachary. And so is Lucy! I promised Lucy’s mother that whenever she was in this house, you would be under my supervision. Now you’ve made me look like a fool.’

  ‘Well, only if Lucy’s mother finds out,’ Alex points out.

  ‘Yes, this is your choice, Mum. You can make a drama out of it or not,’ Zach says, which I think is putting Mariella in an unfair position.

  ‘What if Lucy got pregnant and it happened under my roof, on my watch?’ Mariella says, her voice getting higher and higher pitched, and Lucy goes bright red.

  ‘Mum, it’s fine,’ Zach says. ‘There is no way that’s going to happen. You’ve been talking to us about using condoms since I was eleven. You texted me a link to an article about gonorrhea two days ago.’

  I want to die a little, because there’s no scenario in which I want to be present when Zach and his mother discuss details of his and Lucy’s sex life, and also the word gonorrhea is so unpleasant said out loud.

  ‘Well, I hope you’re using condoms. Two of them at a time, even,’ Mariella says.

  ‘Jesus,’ Alex says, under his breath. I look around, wondering if there is a way to escape. Lucy has my hand in a death grip.

  ‘Mum, I don’t think—’ Zach begins.

  ‘And I hope you’re using another contraceptive method as well, just to be sure. You can never be too careful at your age,’ Mariella says, talking over Zach.

  We all sit in silence. I don’t want to be part of the discussion on how many kinds of contraception are being used, even though I already know Lucy secretly went on the pill a few months ago, and they also use condoms, because Lucy might be even more paranoid than Mariella.

  ‘I mean, I can’t believe I let things get this far without having this conversation. Lucy could already be pregnant right now,’ Mariella says. She is working herself into a state. She’s known about Zach and Lucy from the very beginning, of course, but I think seeing them physically in bed together makes it all too much for her. It’s because Lucy is so fairy-like, all big-eyed innocence. And Zach has those ‘who-me?’ dimples and reads eighty books a year. They look like they’d spend all their time playing chess and talking about their feelings. In actuality, they’ve been having sex multiple times a week after school for the past six months.

  ‘I’m not pregnant,’ Lucy says, her face bright red.

  ‘She’s not pregnant,’ Zach says. He looks two-thirds irritated, one-third terrified.

  ‘We all need to be one hundred per cent sure.’ Mariella waves her hand around the room, as if the ‘we all’ encompasses Alex and me. I’m scared she’s going to make Lucy take a pregnancy test.

  ‘Mum, this conversation is deeply uncomfortable for everyone sitting at the table,’ Alex says.

  ‘And we haven’t even got to you and Natalie,’ Mariella says.

  Everyone looks at us.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Zach says.

  ‘Well, what’s going on there?’ Mariella ask us.

  At this moment, the front door swings open and Sal bursts in, carrying bags and a tray of coffee cups, bellowing, ‘It’s another gorgeous day out there everyone!’ and kicking off his shoes.

  ‘Sal, come here. We’ve got a bit of a situation,’ Mariella says.

  Sal puts the coffee down on the table and pulls out a tray of croissants. ‘Tuck in everybody! They’re still warm!’ Sal is the kind of man who puts an exclamation mark on the end of as many sentences as possible.

  ‘I said, we have a situation, sweetie,’ Mariella says. The way she forcefully says ‘sweetie’ it doesn’t sound much like a term of endearment.

  ‘Well now, what kind of situation?’ Sal says, looking faintly concerned but still mostly focused on the croissants.

  ‘The kids swapped beds last night,’ Mariella says, in the same tone you might say ‘the kids took heroin last night’.

  But Sal doesn’t seem to get it.

  Mariella sighs. ‘Zach and Lucy spent the night in one bed, and Natalie and Alex in the other,’ she says.

  ‘Natalie and Alex!’ Sal says, clapping his hands together. He sounds like the MC at a wedding, announcing us as a couple.

  ‘Dad, there’s nothing going on with Natalie and Alex,’ Zach says.

  ‘No, I didn’t think so,’ Sal says, chuckling a little.

  ‘Well, hang on. Why is that idea funny?’ Alex says.

  My stomach twists a little. On the one hand, I have the same question. On the other hand, this is dangerous territory to dig into.

  ‘It’s not funny, per se, so much as unlikely,’ Sal says.

  ‘And why is it unlikely?’ Alex asks.

&n
bsp; ‘Because you’re you and Natalie is Natalie,’ Zach says, biting into a croissant.

  ‘What does that mean?’ I say, suddenly not caring about the dangerous territory.

  ‘It means you’re very different people,’ Zach says.

  ‘Haven’t you heard the saying opposites attract?’ Alex says.

  ‘I don’t believe in that,’ Zach says, still eating his croissant, as if we’re simply having a friendly philosophical discussion rather than making sweeping pronouncements about my dateability.

  ‘With your wealth of life experience?’ Alex asks. He’s annoyed now.

  ‘Alex is a Leo and Natalie is a Scorpio,’ Mariella says, as if that explains everything.

  ‘You would be the last two people I can ever imagine together,’ Zach says. He seems very firm on this.

  ‘Natalie’s an intellectual,’ Sal says. (Sal holds this delusion because I once knew the answer to a crossword clue he couldn’t figure out.)

  ‘And I’m stupid?’ Alex says, looking more and more irritated.

  ‘No, honey. He means Natalie is book smart and you’re street smart,’ Mariella says, using her fingers to make air quotes around the words ‘street smart’.

  Zach hoots with laughter, and Alex shakes his head. I used to think it was fine that Alex was often the butt of his family’s jokes, because he was the older and cooler brother, but now I want to tell everyone to shut up.

  ‘You work in a bar and Natalie doesn’t even drink,’ Zach adds.

  I wait for Alex to mention that, technically, he doesn’t work in a bar anymore, and that it’s not a bar, it’s a pub-restaurant, and I like eating food and Alex likes making food, so we’re actually very compatible in that way, but instead he just looks furious.

  ‘This is a ridiculous discussion,’ I say before anyone can open their mouths and make a comparison between Vanessa and me, which is where I fear the conversation is headed next.

  ‘Exactly. Natalie and Alex are not together,’ Zach says.

  ‘Actually, you’re wrong,’ Alex says, standing up dramatically.

  I feel a stabbing pain in my heart. I’m going to have a heart attack and die before I can hear Alex clarify that statement.

  ‘We are together,’ Alex says.

  Mariella actually gasps and puts a hand to her chest.

  ‘What?’ Lucy and Zach say in unison. Zach looks disbelieving, Lucy scandalised. She has let go of my hand, and I wish she hadn’t, because I need her now.

  ‘Well, then,’ Sal says. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something else, but then closes it again.

  If my life were a movie, this moment would be underscored with heart-swelling music. Alex has just publicly declared we’re together! Except it doesn’t feel romantic at all. It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. And I’m not sure if what he’s saying is real.

  I make fleeting eye contact with Alex. My face says, What the hell are you doing? and his says, I will say anything to prove my family wrong.

  Everyone turns to look at me.

  ‘Is this true?’ Zach says. I can tell he’s hoping I will deny everything.

  ‘Um, sort of,’ I say. My left eye has developed a twitch. I’ve moved into a state beyond emotion. I am numb, calm, serenely detached. This must be what people mean when they say they’re having an out-of-body experience. Or else I have actually died.

  ‘The two of you are a couple?’ Lucy says, speaking more slowly than usual.

  ‘Well, I wouldn’t say that,’ I say, pressing a fingertip to my twitching eyelid. Is an eye twitch the sign of something more serious? Should I be seeking medical attention? That could be my way out of here.

  ‘What would you say?’ Zach asks.

  ‘I would say it’s complicated,’ I say. The calm feeling is quickly disappearing and panic is flooding in. I give Alex a help-me look. He has the expression of someone who thought they were in control of a situation and has just realised that maybe they aren’t.

  ‘When did this happen?’ Zach says, standing up next to Alex in an aggressive way. Are they going to fight?

  ‘And what happened?’ Lucy adds, as if I’m going to go into the nitty gritty in front of Mariella and Sal.

  ‘I swear to god, Alex, if you are just using Natalie because she happened to be in your bed…’ Zach says, and even though I accused Alex of the very same thing the night before, I am utterly outraged by this, especially the fact he would say that in front of everyone.

  ‘Zach!’ I say.

  ‘It’s nice that you think so highly of me,’ Alex says, glowering at his brother. They really are standing quite close to each other. Before this moment, I would have said the idea of two guys physically fighting over an issue relating to me was quite interesting, but now it’s closer to happening in reality, the very thought is making my other eye twitch as well. I close both my eyes, briefly, and take a deep breath.

  ‘Why are we being interrogated like criminals anyway? We are two consenting adults,’ Alex says.

  Good, okay, he’s deflecting. Except for using the word ‘consenting’. I wish he hadn’t said that. It implies we had sex. I can tell that’s Lucy’s interpretation, because her eyes have widened.

  ‘Honey, we’re all rather shocked by this. Give us a moment to digest it,’ Mariella says. She looks like she can’t decide how to feel. On the one hand, it’s gossip and she loves gossip, especially about her sons, especially about her sons’ love lives. On the other hand, we’re not a couple she has anticipated, and we’re possibly a couple she doesn’t want.

  Sal has gone to the kitchen and returned with butter and various condiments. He sits down, cuts open a croissant, and spreads it thickly with strawberry jam. Sal takes great pride in the fact he makes the jam himself. He labels every jar ‘Sal’s Super Splendid Strawberry Jam’, and he spent a whole weekend working on the design of the labels and made everyone in the family vote for their favourite of three options.

  He takes a big bite of his croissant, and then speaks, mouth full. ‘What exactly are we talking about here? How serious is this thing? Alex, what are your intentions?’

  What are your intentions? Now we’re in a Jane Austen period piece, apparently. I choke a little while trying to swallow a sip of my latte. Sal looks like he’s settling in for a long discussion.

  ‘That’s it. I’m leaving,’ Alex says, turning and walking out of the room.

  ‘We’re still discussing this,’ Mariella says.

  ‘You can discuss it all you want. I’m getting dressed,’ he says over his shoulder. Then he pauses and looks at me.

  ‘Natalie?’ he says, as if I’ve missed something obvious.

  ‘What?’ I say. I hope he’s not about to make any further declarations.

  ‘Do you want to, um, come into my bedroom for a second?’

  Mariella’s face looks stricken.

  ‘To talk, Mum. So I can apologise to Natalie for having to endure the horror show that is this family,’ Alex says.

  ‘Natalie has been aware of the horror show that is this family for years!’ Zach yells.

  I stand up and follow Alex into his bedroom with the stilted gait of someone who has forgotten how to walk. I have forgotten how to do anything.

  19

  Everything I Ever Wanted

  I close the door to Alex’s bedroom behind me, and we stand in silence for a few seconds, before we both start whisper-yelling at each other.

  ‘What the hell did you do?’ I say. I’m suddenly really mad at Alex, and it’s a relief to give all my pent-up anxiety a target.

  ‘I’m sorry. It kind of slipped out. I was angry about how they were talking about us.’

  ‘Me too. But that doesn’t mean you just start saying things!’

  Especially meaningful things. In front of everyone. In an ambiguous way where it’s not clear if you actually mean them or not.

  ‘I know, I know.’

  I lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. ‘This is a disaster,’ I
say.

  ‘Disaster is a strong word.’ Alex sits down next to me.

  ‘Everyone knows.’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘So what? Now it’s this big thing. Everyone will want to know what is happening, and Zach is angry about it, and your parents will watch us every second, and I’ll have to tell my parents, and they’ll have a million questions and want to use it as a distraction from their break-up, and it’s all this fuss over something that might be…’

  ‘That might be what?’ Alex prompts me.

  ‘That might be nothing,’ I say in a rush.

  ‘Do you want it to be nothing?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe they’re right. We’re not very compatible.’

  I walked home in tears after attempting to hang out with him and his friends at the beach. That’s not a great start.

  ‘Fuck them. I want this to be something.’

  ‘You’re just saying that because you want to prove your family wrong.’

  ‘Ah, but see, I can want to prove my family wrong and I can also want to be with you. It’s win–win.’

  ‘But which option is your driving motivator?’

  He leans over me and looks down at my face. ‘Being with you. And I really like proving my family wrong, so that should tell you how much I like being with you.’

  He kisses me, and my eye finally stops twitching. But then he stops kissing me and leans up on one elbow, and my eye twitch is back.

  ‘But you haven’t said what you want,’ he says.

  ‘That’s true.’

  Is it possible to know exactly what you want, and also have no idea what you want, at the same time? I do know that I don’t want to tell him what I want, because that would be exposing too much of myself.

  ‘So, what do you want?’ he asks.

  ‘I like kissing you,’ I say, trying to avoid looking in his eyes, because eye contact when making any kind of confession increases the stress tenfold.

  He laughs. ‘Good. What else?’

  ‘I like you. You know, in general, as a person,’ I say, which feels big and momentous enough that I am proud of myself, even though I know adding ‘as a person’ is a total cop out. He kisses my forehead, and I am surprised again at his tenderness.

  ‘Well, what are we telling everyone out there?’ I say.