It Sounded Better in My Head

by Nina Kenwood

  So I just bring Alex a cup of white tea in a mug. He says thanks, and sips it, and I suspect he does not like tea at all, but I appreciate he’s also hiding how little we know about each other from the others.

  Then I rummage in the cupboards until I find Mum’s emergency chocolate, and I snap the block into little squares. Zach grabs piece after piece. He doesn’t even like fruit and nut. He’s stress-eating.

  ‘What happened?’ I ask him.

  ‘Lucy and I went out to a friend’s house—’

  ‘Which friend?’

  ‘Braydon.’

  ‘I hate Braydon,’ I say. Braydon is one of those people who says just to play devil’s advocate when he really means just to be an arsehole.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Why would you take her to Braydon’s when she’s feeling vulnerable?’ I ask. Vanessa raises her eyebrows, and Alex continues to make a show of drinking his tea.

  ‘In hindsight, it was a mistake,’ Zach says, grabbing another piece of chocolate.

  ‘And what happened?’ I ask.

  ‘She got really drunk and we had a fight.’

  ‘She told you about the…the thing?’ I say, not wanting to expose Lucy’s secret in front of Alex and Vanessa.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Were you mad?’

  ‘No! Sort of. I don’t know.’ He rubs a hand over his face.

  ‘Why was your phone dead?’ I feel irrationally angry about this.

  ‘Because I lost my charger.’

  ‘How do you lose a charger?’

  ‘Why are you acting like I’m the bad guy?’ Zach says.

  ‘Because you are!’

  ‘Right. Everything is my fault.’

  ‘Not everything. But some things. Most things, actually.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  I can see Vanessa and Alex exchanging uncomfortable this-is-awkward looks, but I don’t care.

  ‘Why were you fighting?’ I ask.

  ‘Because.’

  ‘Because why?’

  Zach doesn’t answer.

  ‘Because Zach has something else to tell you,’ Alex says.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Zach glares at Alex, and then he turns to me. ‘What I haven’t told you yet is that as well as getting into science at Melbourne, I got an offer from interstate. Medicine at the University of Adelaide.’

  ‘Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You got into medicine? Zach! This is huge.’

  ‘I know. I think I’m going to take it.’

  ‘Of course you should take it.’

  ‘But I’ll have to move to Adelaide.’

  ‘I didn’t even know you had applied to Adelaide.’ I feel like crying, suddenly. We were all supposed to go to uni together, I want to scream. What about The Plan? First my parents, then Lucy, now Zach. I want a ban on all secrets going forward. Everyone has to sign a contract stating they’ll clear every decision with me for the rest of their lives, and I don’t even care if that makes me sound like a dictator, because it’s a small price to pay to be in control of everyone and everything.

  ‘I told you I applied all over the country. But I didn’t think I would get in anywhere,’ Zach says.

  ‘But you did.’ I am so happy for him, and so furious at him.

  ‘But I did.’

  ‘I think I should leave,’ Vanessa says suddenly.

  ‘Me too,’ Alex says, but he looks at me as he says it, with a question in his eyes.

  ‘You should,’ I say, because I’m still mad at him. Or, I still want him to think I am mad at him.

  ‘Do you want a lift home?’ Vanessa says to Alex, and then she looks at me, uncertain, regretful, and mouths, ‘Is that okay?’

  I nod.

  Alex hesitates and looks at me as well. He came here and sat on my veranda and waited for me. He must have something to say to me. If he leaves, in this moment, it feels like it will be the end of us.

  ‘Are you sure you want me to go?’ he says. I have the urge to get a tissue and wipe all the zinc off his face.

  No, I am not sure. I want you to stay. Here. In my bed. I want you to do that nice thing where you stroke my arms again, and I want you to apologise first.

  ‘Yes,’ I say, because if there is one thing I know for certain about myself, it is my unfailing ability to ruin my own happiness.

  I walk them both to the door. I feel like I should hug Vanessa, even though I’m not a hugger, because we’ve been through a lot tonight, but if I hug her, I might have to hug Alex as well.

  I will cry if I hug him.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say to Vanessa.

  ‘That’s okay,’ she says.

  We smile at each other, and I kind of half pat her shoulder, which is weird, but she seems to accept it as a gesture of thanks.

  She walks out to her car, and gets in, and leaves Alex and me alone together on the doorstep.

  ‘What did you come here for?’ I ask him. We’re standing close to one another.

  ‘To check that you got home okay,’ he says, looking at his feet and then up at me. I meet his eyes for a second before looking away.

  ‘Well, I did,’ I say.

  He starts to say something else, but stops, and turns like he’s going to walk away. Then he turns back.

  ‘I told my parents today. About losing my job,’ he says, quietly.

  ‘How did they take it?’ I say.

  ‘They were okay. Sort of. On the surface supportive, but underneath I think they’re panicking. Zach is going to be a doctor, and their first born is a failure and all that.’

  ‘You’re not a failure,’ I say. I really do want to hug him, but I don’t. I lean a little towards him, but he’s not looking at me, and I think he might be fighting back tears.

  He fiddles with the water pistol for a second, and takes a deep breath. ‘Bye,’ he says, and starts to walk away, and maybe he wants me to yell ‘wait’ after him, but I don’t, because being the person who yells wait is vulnerable and desperate in a way I can’t afford to be, ever, even if it ruins everything.

  It hurts more than I thought it would, watching him walk towards Vanessa’s car. Probably they’re going to have a big deep and meaningful conversation now, and all their old feelings will resurface, and it will all be my own fault, and I can’t even think about that.

  Alex gets in the passenger side without hesitating, and that hurts too, because even though I refuse to run after him, I thought maybe he would run back to me and make a big romantic declaration. I want him to roll down the window and shout, ‘I’m in love with you.’ (No, I don’t, a public ‘I love you’ at high volume would be mortifying.)

  Instead, there’s nothing, and I have no idea what to do.

  32

  A Likeable Face

  When I walk back to the lounge room, Zach isn’t there. I look in at my bedroom and see him curled up beside Lucy. His eyes are open, and we stare at each other for a few seconds.

  ‘You should have told us you were applying interstate,’ I whisper, so as not to wake Lucy, who is definitely snoring now and looks so firmly asleep she probably wouldn’t wake up if I blared a horn in her ear.

  ‘I did tell you,’ Zach says, at almost normal volume.

  Lucy doesn’t stir.

  ‘But you implied that you had no chance, that you didn’t have the right marks. You never made it seem like something that would never actually happen.’

  ‘Well, that’s what I thought. Anyway, you should have told me about Alex,’ he says.

  ‘Not the same.’

  ‘How is it not the same?’

  ‘The Alex thing just happened. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even have time to tell you.’

  ‘And I didn’t think I would get into medicine anywhere. I didn’t want to think about it because I knew if I got in, I probably wouldn’t go because it would be too hard to leave Lucy. And you. And my family.’

  ‘But you are leaving,’ I say, and I sit down on the end of the bed.

  ‘Yes.
I think so. I am.’

  ‘So it’s not that hard, after all.’ I can’t resist the urge to be mean.

  ‘That’s not fair.’ He closes his eyes.

  I sigh. ‘You’re right. I take it back.’ I crawl up the bed and squeeze next to him, staring at the ceiling.

  ‘I’m proud of you,’ I say eventually.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Leaving is brave.’

  ‘It’s scary.’

  ‘But exciting.’

  ‘It feels like I’m choosing a career over my relationship and friendships and family. I don’t even know if I want to be a doctor enough to give up all the things I have here.’

  ‘We’re not going anywhere.’

  ‘It won’t be the same. Especially for me and Lucy. What are we going to do, be in a long-distance relationship for six years?’

  ‘Well, it’s only an hour-and-a-half flight, you could see each other every month, maybe even more than that, and on holidays…’ It’s my job to show Zach how this can work, even though in my heart of hearts, I’m not sure it can.

  ‘And we just keep doing that for years on end?’ he says.

  ‘Maybe Lucy could transfer to a uni in Adelaide.’

  ‘I don’t want her to have to do that. I don’t want to hold her back from her life here. We can’t live in limbo for years.’

  ‘Well…’ I don’t know any more options. ‘It might not work out then.’ I feel sick, like I am betraying both of them by saying it out loud.

  ‘I don’t want to break up with her. Ever,’ he says.

  ‘But you want to be a doctor.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And you’ve accepted the offer, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then you’ve made your decision.’

  ‘I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.’

  ‘It is,’ I say.

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Because it’s what you want.’

  He looks at me, and I elbow him gently. ‘We’ll survive without you,’ I say.

  ‘How could you possibly survive without me?’

  ‘We’ll carry a cardboard cutout of your face around with us.’

  ‘And get tattoos of my name.’

  ‘Of course.’

  He sighs and puts both hands over his face. I think for a second he’s crying, but then he takes them away and looks at me, and he’s dry-eyed.

  ‘I thought Lucy and I would move in together in a couple of years. Like, when we were twenty. And then I thought we’d run off and get married when we were, like, twenty-two or twenty-three, and everyone would think we were reckless for getting married so young, but we’d be happy, and we’d travel the world, and have all these adventures together.’

  ‘I kind of thought that would happen too. Except in my version, I’m part of your wedding, and your roommate, and I’m having adventures with you both.’

  ‘Oh yeah, you’re there in my version of this. You’re our witness when we get married, and we need you to live in our spare bedroom to help pay the rent.’

  In Zach’s mind, I’m in the supporting role of the movie of his life, which makes sense from his point of view, but it only occurs to me in this moment that I’ve also cast myself in the role too. I’m not even the lead of my own movie.

  ‘You and Lucy might still get married one day. We might still all travel together and live together.’

  ‘Maybe,’ he says, and suddenly I feel very sure that it won’t happen like that, that Zach and Lucy’s story is ending, not beginning, and that the movie of our lives is going to be about something else entirely.

  We lie in silence for a little while, listening to Lucy’s snuffling snores.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, breaking the silence. ‘I should have told you about Alex as soon as it happened. But I didn’t know what was going on. I still don’t, really.’

  ‘What’s going on is he likes you.’

  ‘I don’t know why.’

  ‘Don’t fish for compliments.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘You’re always at our house, so it was bound to happen.’

  ‘Oh god, that’s it, isn’t it? I was there and it was convenient.’

  ‘I meant, he was bound to notice how smart, funny and interesting you are. Yes, interesting. You need to stop second-guessing people and thinking the worst.’

  ‘I don’t think the worst.’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  ‘Well, so do you. The whole fuss you made over Alex and me getting together was based on you thinking the worst.’

  ‘That’s true. But I don’t think the worst of you. Or Lucy.’

  ‘Maybe not, but you did yell at me.’

  ‘I’m sorry for that. I was completely overreacting.’ Zach turns on his side to look at me as he says this. His expression changes to what I think of as his serious listening face. ‘So you and Alex had a fight.’

  ‘Yes. A bad one.’

  ‘He wouldn’t tell me much, but I got the gist.’

  ‘You two are talking now?’

  ‘I apologised to him.’

  ‘Wow. This is a big day for you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you say sorry to him before.’

  ‘Well, I’m not normally wrong.’

  ‘Zachary Russo: The Boy Who Is Never Wrong.’

  ‘I’m obnoxious. I know. Lucy told me that many times after the movie.’

  ‘Why were you being so obnoxious about this, though?’

  ‘I don’t know. I just felt really angry. Like Alex was stealing you from me. No, stealing is the wrong word. That’s gross. I don’t own you. God, I’m saying this all wrong. I just…I don’t trust him to be the kind of guy that’s right for you.’

  ‘What kind of guy is that?’

  ‘Someone who gets your jokes, and knows you hate really loud music, and that you want every text message to have an emoji in it. Someone who will recommend great books, and listen to your fan theories, and bring you cups of tea when you’re stressed out.’

  Everything he just listed is the stuff he and Lucy do for me. ‘What I want in a guy is…well, I don’t quite know yet, I’m still figuring it out, which is the point. You can’t know who is right or wrong for me if I don’t know.’

  I don’t know how to put into words what it is I like about Alex. Part of it is something that feels too shameful to say: that Alex makes me feel special, wanted, desired, seen for the first time in my life. Which is problematic, because I’m supposed to love and accept myself without the help of anyone else. I know that, I have absorbed that message via every possible channel. Alex can’t be the hero who saves me from my low self-esteem. It goes against every feminist narrative I’ve ever read, every lesson I learned at my progressive all-girls school, every positive, healthy, empowering message I’ve ever seen someone share on Instagram. A woman saves herself. Be the hero of your own story. Be Katniss, not Bella. Even though I always related to Bella’s angst more than Katniss’s trauma.

  But when people say you’ve got to love yourself first, they never explain how, exactly, you get past people screaming ‘gross bitch’, how you get past feeling like your best days are only your best days because you’re managing to hide the bad bits, how you feel desirable if no one has ever desired you.

  It’s something I haven’t managed to figure out on my own, and Alex makes me feel like I’m a little bit closer.

  Also, he has great hair.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry. I suck,’ Zach says.

  ‘I accept your apology,’ I say. I stopped being mad at him at least fifteen minutes ago.

  ‘I think I was jealous, in a weird way,’ Zach says. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend, not his, and all that.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry too. For not caring enough about your feelings.’

  ‘Arguing with you is one of my favourite things, but fighting with you is one of the very worst,’ he says.

  ‘Let’s argue forever and never fight again,’ I say, and we smile at
each other. He turns back to look at the ceiling.

  We lie there and listen to Lucy snoring.

  ‘You should tell Alex,’ Zach says, after a while.

  ‘Tell him what?’

  ‘Whatever it is you are feeling. Whatever it is you want from him.’

  ‘I don’t know what I feel or what I want.’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘Natalie, you know exactly what you want, all the time, but you hide it under all these layers of bullshit, and you make it impossible for anyone else to figure out.’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘You’re doing it right now.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’ Okay, yes, I am, but he’s making something very complicated sound very simple, and I resent that.

  ‘Just go to Alex and be honest with him.’

  ‘I’ll try.’

  ‘Don’t try, just do.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll do.’

  ‘Also,’ Zach says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Also, I just wanted to say that I’m scared about leaving, I’m really scared.’

  ‘Don’t be scared. You’re going to do so great, wherever you are. You have a very likeable face.’

  ‘That’s what you’ve always said.’

  ‘It’s true. Plus, you’ll have us, no matter what.’

  ‘I know.’

  I close my eyes and start drifting into sleep. In this moment, I can believe the three of us will be friends forever, even though Zach is going away and I don’t know if he and Lucy will stay together, and if they don’t stay together, then I don’t know if the friendship can survive their break-up, and it feels like we’re on the precipice of so much change that it seems impossible we’ll all hold ourselves together as we are now.

  Lucy, suddenly, sits up, groaning. ‘I feel awful,’ she says, squinting at us groggily.

  ‘Shhhh. Lie back down,’ Zach says.

  ‘Where am I?’ she asks.

  ‘In Natalie’s bed. You’re with us,’ Zach says.

  ‘Both of us,’ I say.

  ‘Good, good,’ Lucy says, lying down again, closing her eyes, and falling straight back to sleep.