My Favorite Mistake

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  The smell of his clean skin overwhelmed the room, and I tried to pinpoint what it was. It was something similar to wood or cinnamon. Something warm.

  I heard him get into bed and slip his boxers off.

  “I don't know if you're awake or not, but good-night, Taylor.”

  I decided to pretend I was asleep. He waited for a response, but when I didn't give one he rolled over and sighed.

  “Damn you,” I heard him say under his breath.

  Right back atcha.

  Seven

  I was the first to wake up the next morning. Somehow our blackout curtain had gotten pushed aside and a crack of sunlight was poking under my eyelids. I opened them and moaned. Stupid sun. I rolled over and checked the clock. It wasn't even seven yet. Why had I woken up? Then I heard a voice.

  Hunter was talking in his sleep, just like he said he would.

  “No, I don't think so,” he said. It was hard to make out what he was saying because his back was to me and he was mumbling. Figuring I probably wasn't going to get back to sleep, I turned so I could see him.

  “Don't. Stop it. Put it down.” His voice was calm, but his words were not. He seemed to be having a nightmare. Guess I wasn't the only one.

  “Please don’t.” His voice had a hint of tears in it. I wondered if I should wake him up. He tossed in his sleep, throwing his covers about. I didn't have time to shut my eyes, but luckily his blanket covered strategic places. It was also still pretty dark. Even still, it showed enough. His back was to me, and I saw yet another tattoo in the middle of his back.

  “Stop!” he said louder.

  I got out of bed and stumbled over. Maybe I could poke him and get back into bed quick enough so he wouldn't notice. I shoved his shoulder, but he moved so fast that I stumbled and nearly fell on top of him. A hand lashed out at me, and I had to duck to avoid it.

  “Hunter! Wake up!” It was déjà vu. I hoped this wouldn't become a pattern.

  A strong, warm hand grabbed my shoulder, and his eyes flew open. He gasped, as if he didn't know where he was. His grip relaxed.

  “Hey, it's okay. You just seemed upset.”

  He glanced at his hand on my shoulder as if it didn't belong to him. He let go and pushed away from me.

  “Go back to bed,” he said.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Go. Back. To. Bed.” His teeth were gritted, and he looked like he was angry that I'd woken him. My bad.

  “Sorry,” I said before stepping away and crawling back into bed.

  He breathed heavily and rolled back over. I didn't go back to sleep and I could tell he didn't either. A half-hour later I heard him get up and put his boxers and a t-shirt on. I pretended I was asleep.

  A little while later I heard low voices in the kitchen. Deciding it was about time, I got up and went to find some breakfast.

  Hunter was hunched over a plate of eggs and toast when I came out of our room. Renee was on the couch with the television on and a bowl of cereal. I heard the noise of the shower and made the deduction that Darah was in there.

  “Good morning,” I said to whoever would answer.

  Hunter grunted and Renee made a similar noise. It was only the second day of classes, but everyone was still on summer time.

  I grabbed a bowl of cereal and went to sit with Renee. I was getting bad vibes from Hunter. That boy and I were going to have to have a chat, sooner or later. I had the feeling he was going to avoid it as long as he possibly could. I'd have to be the one pushing.

  One by one, my roommates went to their various morning classes until it was just me and Hunter. Surprise, surprise.

  “We need to talk,” I said, “and you can't do that thing where you shut down or don't answer or make some sort of innuendo so I'll get distracted or off topic. If we're going to live together, we've got to be able to talk to one another. Got it?”

  He put his plate in the sink and turned around, bracing his back against it. His eyes told me I was in for a battle.

  “Don't make me punch you again, because I swear to God, I will.” That elicited a smirk. His face still had a slight shadow where I’d gotten him. “I also have no qualms about going for your man bits again.”

  “I don't doubt you for a second, Missy.”

  “I've talked with housing about you. I have a meeting on Friday with the head of housing.”

  “Still trying to get rid of me?”

  “I just don't see how this can work out. You're... you.” I couldn't come up with a better way of saying it.

  “Yes, I am.” He seemed to get it. “But I fail to see that as a reason for kicking me out. If I came home drunk or had sex with strange girls or made you uncomfortable, that would be a reason.”

  “You do make me uncomfortable.”

  “But not in that way. I make you uncomfortable because I shake up what you thought about people. I make you nervous. You want me, but you don't know why and you can't stop fighting it.”

  I sputtered for a second, shocked.

  “You are so...” My hands shook with anger. I really, really wanted to punch him again.

  “I've hit a nerve, I see. Means I'm right.”

  “You are the cockiest, douchebaggy asshat I've ever met, and I can't wait to get rid of you.”

  He laughed for the first time. On anyone else, it would have been sexy as hell. On him, it just made me more enraged.

  “Fuck you, Hunter. Fuck. You.”

  “You want to, that's part of your problem.”

  Before I could react, he crossed the room and stood right in front of me.

  “Tell me you don't want me. Look me in the eye and tell me if I kissed you right now, you wouldn't kiss me back. Tell me.”

  “I don't want you,” I said, grinding my teeth around every word. Breathing became difficult. He was so close. I couldn't see anything beyond him. My eye level was at his chest, where the ink from his tattoos showed through the thin cotton. His smell surrounded me, and I caught a tiny whiff of sweat. My mouth went dry, and I kept my eyes on his chest because I knew I couldn't look up.

  Two days ago, I hadn't known Hunter Zaccadelli existed. Today, I couldn't look him in the eyes for fear I'd lose myself. No, I had to shut this down.

  I closed my eyes and stepped away.

  “I don't want you,” I said, looking at his eyes and not blinking. “Now get away from me.” He didn't move, so I walked away.

  One thing was sure: I had to get Hunter out of my life.

  I wanted him. I wanted him to kiss me and touch my face and put his fingers in my hair. I wanted him to pick me up and hold me and be with me.

  I was losing it. Absolutely losing it. I had to get out of this space. He took up too much of it. He made my brain do funny things and not think clearly.

  I had to get away.

  I got dressed as quickly as I could and threw my books for the day into my bag. I dashed to the bathroom, hoping I wouldn't run into Hunter. I could hear his guitar in the living room. I didn't look at him as I rushed out the door. As soon as I was in the hallway, I was able to breathe.

  What was it about him? Was it the tattoos? The way he called me Missy? The way he was so open about his sexuality? Maybe it was a combination.

  It was a combination I couldn't say no to, but I would have to.

  I was never going to fall in love. I was never going to be with someone like that. People only hurt you when you loved them that way. They took what they wanted and used you up. My mother still missed my dad, even though it had been so many years. She still looked at their wedding pictures and smiled, thinking about times when they were happy. But it hadn't lasted. Nothing like that lasted.

  Boys like Hunter burned everything they touched. Boys like that were dangerous. I knew that without a doubt. If I let him, Hunter would drag me down. I would not let it happen.

  I spent the rest of the day looking for Hunter around every corner. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't see his texts, if he sent any. I made sure to keep a lookout in th
e Union. I kept thinking I saw him, but it turned out to just be a look-a-like. There were a lot of guys who sort of looked like him, but no one quite close enough.

  I did everything I could to avoid going back to the apartment and ended up finishing all my homework before the end of the day. I had my last class of the day with Megan and offered to have dinner with her so she could avoid eating with the “cannibals,” as she called her boyfriend's buddies. It wasn't completely to avoid Hunter, because I really did want to spend time with Megan.

  “Have you figured out your roommate issue?”

  “I wish,” I said, biting into my chocolate croissant. Hunter was the kind of person who made me need chocolate therapy. “It's really complicated.”

  “Things with the opposite sex usually are.”

  “How's everything working out for you?”

  She lifted one shoulder.

  “Jake's my soul mate. I know that. Sounds cheesy, but I know that we're not complete without each other. So I put up with his disgusting friends and their endless Family Guy marathons because I love him. Someday we'll move in with just the two of us, and I'll be able to have a clean bathroom. Someday...”

  We finished eating, and I walked Megan to her car.

  “Girls night this weekend? I think the guys are going to a party, so the house will be free. I'll make margaritas,” she said in a singsong voice. “Come on, please? I'm inviting Haley and Robin, too.” They were two other girls from our major that we’d formed a little group with. They’d be the perfect antidote to too much Hunter.

  “Sure, it's on. Just text me when would be a good time. You want me to bring anything?”

  “Every single girly movie you own.”

  “Done,” I said.

  She squealed and gave me a hug before hopping in her car.

  It was still light out, so I didn't have to worry too much about walking by myself. I said good-bye to her and reluctantly walked back to the apartment. I kept my fingers crossed the entire way that Hunter would be gone, or at least one of the girls would be there as a buffer.

  I took a deep breath before I opened the door.

  “Hey, where have you been?” Renee said, looking up from one of her massive nursing textbooks. The television was blaring; I didn't know how she could focus.

  “Had dinner with Megan. Where's everyone else?”

  “Hunter went somewhere, and Miss Darah is on a date with Mase, if you can believe it.”

  “No way,” I said, joining her on the couch. “I thought I saw something there, but I didn't know he'd move that fast.” College was a strange situation. Things always seemed to happen at warp speed.

  “Me neither, but it was really cute. I think she really likes him.”

  “I have a really hard time picturing them together, but if he makes her happy, then that's what matters.”

  “Well, she hasn't even come home yet, so we can reserve judgment until then.”

  “If she does come home,” I said, raising my eyebrows.

  “You know she's not that kind of girl.”

  I did, but I never underestimated anyone when it came that.

  “I'm bored. I don't think I can do any more reading. You want to do something?” She closed her book.

  “Like what?”

  “I don't know. Mall?”

  I wasn't much for shopping, but if we got to go to the bookstore, I was in. Also, it would get us out of the apartment in case Hunter came back from whatever he was doing. I only had a tiny temptation to text him, but quickly squashed it. I was staying away from him until I could get rid of him.

  “Sounds good, just let me grab some cash.” I ran into my room to grab some money from the jar I kept in my desk. I had to leave my debit card at home when I went into a bookstore or else I would drain my account. I was about to leave when I saw something on my pillow. Curious, I picked it up.

  This is me giving you space. See? We can live together without living together. You still haven't given me an answer about that bet. All you have to do is prove one way or another and I'm gone. The ball's in your court, Missy.

  I crumpled the note in my fist. He knew what I was trying to do, and that infuriated me. I didn't like him knowing what I was thinking, since I almost never knew what was running through his head.

  I shoved the note in my desk and slammed it shut.

  “So what is with you and Hunter? I know you've got this weird I-hate-you-but-I'm-really-attracted-to-you thing going on, but could you like, tone it down?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, please. You guys eye fuck each other every second you can. It's disgusting, really.”

  I hopped into the passenger’s seat of Renee's Mazda.

  “We don't do that.” We totally did, but it was Hunter's fault. “I don't mean to anyway. He definitely does.”

  “That's what attraction is. That uncontrollable urge to jump someone's bones, even in mixed company. You guys haven't...” She didn't need to finish.

  “Oh, God, no! I'm not that kind of girl either.”

  I had never told Darah or Renee that I was a virgin. The only person who knew about that was Megan, and that was because we were so close, and I knew I could trust her with something like that. I’d trusted her with a much bigger secret.

  “Never say never, doll. Did I ever tell you how Paul and I met?” I knew they'd only met about a year ago, but had gotten serious, fast.

  “I was wasted at a party, and this guy was trying to take me home. I don't really remember this, but Paul shoved him off me and asked me where I lived. I somehow managed to tell him, and he got me into a cab and helped me back to my room. Darah was gone for the weekend, so I was all alone. He stayed with me the whole night and took care of me. I puked my guts out, and he held my hair and everything. You'd think he'd never want to see me after that, but he ended up staying the whole day. When I sobered up I realized that he was pretty damn special. And I think you can figure the rest out. So, never knock sex early in a relationship. I mean, it didn't work out with us, but it was great while it lasted.”

  Her voice was filled with longing. I knew she missed him, but refused to take his calls or answer his texts. I didn't even know why they had broken up, but she insinuated it was something he had done. I asked her if he'd cheated on her, but she said it wasn't that. Darah and I had racked our brains, but hadn't figured it out. We'd been tempted to ask Paul, but didn't want to go behind Renee's back.

  I'd never really had a boyfriend. I’d had too many public angry episodes for the boys I’d grown up with to even consider wanting to date me. In eighth grade when the other girls were having their first boyfriends and getting kissed, I had a mouthful of metal braces and a bad attitude. When I got older and other girls were getting serious and hooking up and so forth, I spent my time reading and glaring at any boy who gave me the once over. Soon my reputation as an ice queen became well-known enough that the boys left me alone, which was how I wanted it.

  I'd never been around anyone who challenged me and fought me on everything until I met Hunter. He scared me in a way, and I'd never been scared of a boy before. That was why I had to get rid of him.

  Maybe I could take his bet. I hadn't been able to make him see that I hated him, because I didn't. I hated him at times, but my other feelings for him seeped through, clouding the hate into a murky substance that I couldn’t define.

  The other part of the bet? The making him believe I loved him? I couldn't do that either. I'd shut off that part of myself when I was twelve, and there was no turning it on now after so many years. Hunter would see right through me if I tried to fake it.

  I was between a rock and a hard place. I was going to have to wait and see what Friday brought.

  Eight

  Hunter and I barely saw each other for the rest of the week. I assumed he went and hung out at Mase's, but I didn't know for sure because he barely said twenty words to me. When he did come and sleep at the apartment he always arrived after I was out and
left before I woke. I didn't know how he did it, but he was like a shadow, sneaking in and out.

  When I did see him, he pretended not to see me. Darah and Renee noticed, but after making inquiries, which Hunter and I both shot down, they stopped asking.

  Friday afternoon finally came, as did my meeting with Marissa.

  I had to wait ten full minutes before Marissa finally opened her door and called me in. Her office was nasty-neat and could have been a stock image for what an administrative office should look like with the generic watercolor print, and motivational poster. Gag.

  She adjusted her glasses on her nose before sitting behind her desk, absentmindedly straightening her wrist rest.

  Everything about her was orderly: her short hair, crisp shirt and flat expression.

  “So, what can I do for you, Taylor? You said you were having an issue with one of your roommates.” She leaned forward and braced her arms on the desk.

  I gave her the run-down, leaving out a lot of what Hunter had done. I wasn't repeating what he said, word for word.

  “So he makes you uncomfortable? Have you tried talking with him about it?”

  “Yes, I have,” I said. Her face had been blank when I told my sob story, and I could tell this was going to be a dead end. I could just feel it. But maybe I was being pessimistic.

  “Have you gone to your resident director? They are always available to talk or discuss disputes and they have training on how to help with those situations.” It was like banging my head against a brick wall.

  “I was really hoping that this could just be resolved, seeing as how it was a mistake to begin with.”

  “Well, there isn't really anything we can do right now. Unless there is an emergency, we have to keep places available for those who really need them. It sounds like it's more of a personality conflict. I'm going to recommend that you have some mediation with your RD, and you can come and see me in a few weeks, okay?”