“I’m here,” Eric said. “You haven’t lost me.”
“I’m sorry,” Casper repeated, blue eyes full of regret. “I should have been on my knees begging for your love—”
Eric laughed. He couldn’t help it. “I think I’m the one in this relationship most likely to beg.”
Casper smiled again. This one was devious. It spread slowly, seductively.
“That can be arranged.” He shifted onto his side, sliding his hand into Eric’s hair. He tightened his grip, pulling Eric’s head back to lick his throat.
Eric gasped as desire flooded his veins.
Casper drew back. “But first, what assurances do you need from me?”
“I just need to know we have a future together.”
“We do,” Casper promised. “I’m all in, Eric.”
“Yeah?”
Casper smiled. “Yeah. I love you.”
Those were three words Eric wasn’t sure he’d ever hear. He felt his lips tremble as he numbly said, “You do?”
“I really do.” Casper dropped a quick kiss on Eric’s lips, then sat back against the headboard, getting comfortable. “It took me a while to sort through my feelings. I’ve spent so long loving Kage and mourning him that I had a difficult time dealing with the things you made me feel.”
Eric moistened his lips, then answered, “Makes sense.”
Casper scratched at the stubble on his jaw, looking thoughtful. “I tried to feel closer to Kage by taking those exciting trips, but no amount of scuba diving or mountain climbing could bring him back. It started to feel like a hollow thrill. It didn’t last, but it helped me cope. Then you came along, and things changed. For the first time in five years, I was sharing my adventures with a person and not a memory. So, when I lost you …”
“What?” Eric breathed, almost afraid to disrupt the magic. He’d spent so long hoping Casper would open up about his reservations, but he hadn’t imagined this level of honesty.
“I realized adrenaline wasn’t a cure for missing you. I wanted you beside me. Kage was gone, but you were right there, just out of reach.” Casper shook his head. “Does it make any sense?”
“Yes, actually. I thought more than once you were trying too hard to make everything we did into a fun diversion, but I figured it was your way of keeping me at arm’s length.”
“That was part of it,” Casper admitted, “but it went deeper than that. I was trying to relive the feelings I had with Kage. For a long time, everything I did was designed to numb my pain. It wasn’t about living at all, but surviving. Until I met you.”
Casper chuckled. “Would you just listen to me? I don’t even know what I mean, and I’m totally killing the mood.”
Eric sat up and cupped Casper’s face with his hands. “Cas, I get it. My life has been empty for a while, but I was aware of that. Maybe I was just ready to see all the ways you could fill it—”
“That’s what he said.”
Eric swatted his arm. “Be serious.”
“Sorry.”
“I’m saying, I was ready for you. And I understand that you weren’t ready for me. Not then. Maybe not now.”
“I am,” Casper protested.
“Either way, I don’t want to push you anymore. If you agree to try to have something real and see what happens, that’s good enough.”
“We do have something real,” Casper replied. “I know we do.”
Eric smiled. “Okay, then kiss me.”
Casper kissed him long and deep, easily restoring the mood. Then he moved his lips to Eric’s ear, whispering. “What do you want me to do to you? I’ll give you anything tonight.”
“I just want you,” Eric answered. “Any way I can have you.”
“Then get undressed,” Casper said, before leaving the bed to dig through his bag. Eric yanked off his T-shirt, sweats and boxer briefs, wondering why he’d bothered to put them on in the first place. By the time he returned to the bed, Casper was waiting with supplies.
“How do you want me?” Eric asked, feeling nervous even though they’d done this so many times before.
Casper grinned as he stripped his boxer briefs. “You’re perfect just like that.”
He placed a knee on the bed and leaned over to grip Eric’s cock. Eric’s eyes fluttered shut at the feel of Casper’s warm fist, then flew open when Casper rolled the condom down his shaft.
“I want you inside me,” Casper said as he added lube. “Is that okay?”
“Oh, God.” Eric’s cock throbbed in Casper’s hand, fully on board with that idea. “Yes, definitely.”
Casper had told him their first night together that he bottomed sometimes, but they’d never gotten around to trying it. Eric had loved the way Casper fucked him too much to ask for anything else. He hadn’t always been a bottom. Many men expected him to top because of his body shape and size. But being with Casper, letting go and letting him take the lead had been such a sweet release of responsibility.
Casper reached behind himself, shoving lubed fingers in his ass. He prepped himself quickly, taking no time to put on a show, but Eric made a mental note to ask for one next time. Tonight, he needed Casper too much to wait.
Casper swung a leg over Eric’s hips, leaning down to kiss him. Squeezing a hand around Eric’s cock, he murmured, “You’re so hard for me.”
Eric groaned. “I want you to ride me.”
“Yeah?” Casper tightened his grip on Eric’s hair and bent to scrape his teeth over his left nipple. Eric went rigid, his breathing accelerating. Casper always knew how to play his body to ramp up his lust and lower his inhibitions.
“Please,” he begged, bucking his hips to push his cock through Casper’s fist. “I want to know what it feels like to be inside you. I want to be with you every way I can.”
Casper soothed his sore nipple with his tongue, then raised his head to kiss Eric gently. “Me too.”
It wasn’t until Casper was sinking his silky tightness down Eric’s cock, the heat and pressure causing Eric’s eyes to roll back with pleasure, that he realized he’d forgotten something important. Casper had bared his heart, but Eric hadn’t done the same.
“I love you,” he gasped as Casper clenched tight around him.
Casper looked down, shaking his head with a smirk. “Save it for when you’re not six inches deep,” he said. “Then I’ll believe it.”
“It’s true, I’m not— oh God,” he groaned as Casper rocked his hips, then flexed his thighs to ride up and down. He was gorgeous, and the position put all his muscles on display. As he moved, they flexed and rippled, adding another layer of sexiness to the act.
Eric smoothed his hands over Casper’s body, starting with his hard thighs, then stroking up to the tense muscles of his abdomen. He curved his hands around Casper’s back, pressing in hard against the rippling lats, and then arrived at his final destination, those amazing glutes. He grabbed Casper’s ass, squeezing as he bucked his hips to meet Casper’s downward thrusts.
“You feel amazing,” Eric said.
“Mmm. I want you to fuck me now,” Casper said.
Casper rolled them, and Eric took over, re-entering him and thrusting with more force. He’d do just about anything for Casper in bed, and this was no chore. He’d topped almost exclusively with Perry.
“Harder,” Casper said, “Please, Eric, touch me.”
A hint of vulnerability entered his voice, and Eric realized the significance of their role reversal. Casper was opening himself to Eric in a new way, and while Eric enjoyed falling apart, he was happy to take over and give Casper what he needed this time.
He wrapped his hand around Casper’s cock, stroking him while he pumped his hips. It felt new and familiar all at the same time. His dynamic with Casper was usually different, making topping feel foreign to him despite years of doing it with other partners. At the same time, this was Casper, the man he loved, and it felt exactly right.
He thrust again, tightening his hand, and Casper shook apart beneath hi
m. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Casper shatter in that way, despite watching him orgasm many times. He cried out sharply, his cock pulsing in Eric’s hand, and his inner muscles clenched, pulling Eric’s orgasm from him.
He rocked with Casper, both of them shaking, as they came together.
Once they’d cleaned up and curled together on the bed, Eric said, “It’s true. I love you.”
Casper smiled smugly. “I know.”
Eric swatted his arm, and Casper laughed. “I’m sorry, but I do. I know that you love me. I want you to know it, too. I love you.”
Eric bit his bottom lip. Wanting to believe and being afraid at the same time. It seemed too good to be true that Casper would offer him everything he wanted.
“You do believe me, don’t you?” Casper asked.
Eric searched his eyes, seeing nothing but truth in his eyes. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “It feels a little surreal. I was so sure it was over, and then when you called …” He stopped, needing to take a steadying breath.
“I’m sorry,” Casper said.
Eric shook his head. “I’m the one who walked out that morning. I just figured you wanted one more time together, and I…”
He trailed off, and Casper finished for him.
“You needed more,” Casper said. “You did the right thing, Eric.”
“I decided when I came here that I’d take whatever you would give me,” he said. “Fuck buddies, friends, whatever.”
Casper’s eyes softened. “Because you love me,” he said, not sounding cocky even as he spoke the truth without the doubts Eric felt. “But you don’t have to settle for less than you want. Because I love you, Eric. I’m not just saying that. I know it’s hard to grasp, but I loved you all along, you know? It was never about not wanting to be with you. It was … I didn’t know how to love you when I was so sure I loved Kage.”
“You love Kage, present tense,” Eric said. “I’m not looking to replace him. You’ll always love him and grieve for his loss. That’s natural.”
Casper sighed, closing his eyes. “You’re so fucking understanding. I don’t deserve it.”
He felt Eric kiss his temple. “Wrong. You deserve everything.”
***
Eric walked with Casper across the green, meticulously groomed grounds of Pinewood Memorial Cemetery.
Casper had played tour guide over the past couple of days, taking Eric on a hike through towering pines and on a drive out to the rocky, Oregon coastline. Eric had listened to barking walruses, and he’d watched seagulls flap overhead, secure in the knowledge that this wasn’t the end for him and Casper, but the beginning.
Now, on their final day, it seemed fitting that Eric would help Casper say goodbye to Kage before they headed to the airport.
The grass was an unnaturally vivid green, watered to within an inch of its life to stay that way, Eric imagined. And splashes of red, yellow and pink — flowers, both real and fake — decorated some of the headstones. But not all. Many, the majority even, lay bare.
Eric grasped Casper’s hand, humbled to be by his side. It was difficult not to feel like an imposter. Kage should be the one walking beside him.
Who am I to take his place?
But Casper had asked Eric to visit Kage’s grave with him, and Eric was touched by the request. It wasn’t so long ago that Casper had kept this part of his life from Eric. Now, he was inviting him in, and Eric wouldn’t let him down.
“Here he is,” Casper said, stopping in front of a small gray slab that read Kage Myers and listed the years of his birth and death. He was twenty-five when he died. Beneath was an inscription: Beloved son, lover, and free spirit.
Eric was relieved to see flowers on his grave, though the carnations were ragged enough they’d clearly seen some weather. Someone still visited Kage regularly.
Casper picked up the bouquet and crouched down to replace it with a fresh one they’d picked up before driving over that morning. It was full of bright tulips that looked fun and joyful, much as Casper had described his boyfriend.
“Kage, I’m sorry I haven’t been here in so long, but you’re always in my heart.” He cleared his throat. “I met someone special, and I wanted him to have your seal of approval. I think he’d be just your type,” he said, turning misty eyes on Eric and smiling. “He’s built Ford tough, like you used to joke. And I’ve already dragged him on some crazy adventures just like you would have.”
Eric knelt next to Casper and placed a hand on the stone.
“I promise to take good care of him,” Eric said. “I’ll love him enough for both of us, okay?”
Casper made a pained sound, but before Eric could worry he’d said the wrong thing, Casper crushed him in a tight hug.
“Thank you,” Cas whispered. “That was the perfect thing to say.”
They held each other until the sound of voices broke the moment. Casper pulled away and stood, extending a hand to help Eric up.
When they turned, Casper froze.
An older couple stood there, looking just as surprised. The woman wore her hair in a short, steel gray bob. She was slim with high cheekbones and dark eyes. Next to her, a portly man wore a dark suit and a hat that covered what Eric suspected was a mostly bald head.
“Casper?” she said tentatively.
Eric could feel Casper’s tension even though they weren’t touching. Seeking to put them at ease, he stepped forward and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Eric Holtz.”
They shook his hand in turn and said hello, but they only had eyes for Casper.
“I’ve wanted to tell you for so long how very sorry we are,” she said. “We should have called you so much sooner when Kage’s health took a turn.”
Casper’s face contorted, his breath ragged. “I know why he didn’t want to call me, but I’ll never understand why you agreed.”
“My baby boy was dying,” she said. “I’d have given him anything, but the only thing he wanted was for you to become a doctor like you dreamed. His cancer took so much. He didn’t want it to steal your goals too.”
“Medical school would have still been there.”
“Would you have gone back?” the man who could only be Kage’s father asked.
Casper hesitated, then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Please, dear, forgive us,” Kage’s mother said, taking a step closer and placing a hand on Casper’s arm. “We stole precious time from you. I know I’d be devastated if it had happened to me. But Kage loved you so much, and you were like a second son to us—”
Her voice broke as tears flooded her eyes.
Casper squeezed his eyes closed. “I should have come back even without a call. I might not have known how bad it was, but I knew he was going through chemo. I was so selfish—”
“No, sweetie. We know Kage convinced you. Don’t blame yourself. He just hated the idea of you watching him die. He wanted your memories to be of your happy times.”
Tears spilled over, and they hugged, whispering to each other in grief-stricken voices. Kage’s father and Eric hovered nearby, exchanging an uncomfortable glance.
Casper wiped at his eyes and gestured to Eric. “This is my boyfriend, Eric.”
Eric felt a warmth in his chest at the new label, even if it was entirely the wrong time to be excited by his new relationship status. He tried to hide his inappropriate joy.
“Nice to meet you,” Kage’s mother said, taking a tissue from her purse. “We must look such a mess.”
“You look fine,” her husband reassured her before smiling at Casper and Eric. “I’m glad you’ve found someone to make you happy, Casper. Kage would have wanted that for you.”
“You don’t know that,” Casper said, his old defensiveness entering his voice.
“Actually, we do. Kage told us,” he said with a shrug. “He wanted you to live an amazing life. A full one, with someone to love.”
Casper’s breath shuddered, and Eric wrapped an arm around his waist. “Kage sounds like a gre
at guy.”
“The best,” Casper agreed with a husky voice. “We should go. We’re headed to the airport, but ... thank you.” He hesitated, then reached into his pocket and withdrew a business card. “Here’s my number. Maybe we can stay in touch.”
“I’d like that,” Kage’s mother said with a fragile smile.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
They paid a fee to get new air tickets and travel home together, arriving at Eric’s late on a Thursday night. Eric had asked Casper to spend the night as they left the airport, and Casper was relieved. He wasn’t ready to be away from Eric yet, not now that they’d finally reconnected.
“So, do you have to go back to work tomorrow morning?” Casper asked, as he followed Eric to his bedroom and dropped his suitcase. It would be nice to spend the day in bed with Eric, but he knew it was highly unlikely.
Eric smiled ruefully. “Actually, no.”
“Really?” Casper brightened at the good news, but something about Eric’s expression gave him pause. “There’s more to the story, isn’t there?”
“I quit.”
Casper’s jaw dropped as Eric began stripping down to his boxer briefs as if he hadn’t said something shocking.
“You quit?” he echoed.
Eric had told him while they were in Oregon that Olivia had returned to her parents, who would help her with the baby. Eric no longer needed to make time in his schedule for a baby’s demanding needs. And despite Casper’s teasing that Eric worked too hard and his attempts to lure him out on dates, he had never expected him to change.
Unless he thought he needed to make more time for Casper?
“This wasn’t about me, was it?”
Eric blinked, then shook his head. “No, why would you think that?”
Casper felt silly now that he had to explain. “I always gave you a hard time about working too hard. I thought maybe...”
“Maybe I quit as a romantic gesture?”
“Okay, it sounds stupid when you put it that way.”
Eric chuckled. “I guess your ego is safely intact.”
“Funny.”
Eric drew him into a kiss. “I suppose you could take some credit,” he said. “It might never have occurred to me to walk away if not for you.”
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