When August Ends

by Penelope Ward

  She seemed desperate to get her point across. “I want you. You’re all I want. I can’t imagine ever not wanting to be with you. I don’t care if I’m here or in Timbuktu.”

  “I know you mean that with all of your heart right now.”

  “But you don’t think I’ll still feel that way when I get to school? You think I can just switch my feelings off that easily?”

  We were blinded by infatuation. I’d experienced enough already to know what I wanted. I wanted her. But she was still evolving. How could I make her understand that if she didn’t want to hear it?

  “Heather, you’re so damn young. You’ve never even lived away from home on your own. You have this amazing opportunity to go away to school and to have your freedom, and I think it’s best for you not to be tied down before you even get there.”

  She started to cry.

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  “What you just said feels like you’re breaking up with me, but that’s silly because we’re not even together. In reality, we only fucked.”

  My tone grew angry. “It wasn’t only fucking, and you know it.”

  “Then what does it mean if we can’t be together? It then becomes…just fucking.”

  “I didn’t say we can’t be together. I just—”

  “I just had the best night of my life, and now you’re pushing me away.”

  “Please don’t think that. I’m not pushing you away. You asked me what was on my mind. I’m trying to be honest with you.” It felt like my heart had suddenly burst open as my voice grew louder. “I’m scared, okay? What we have…it’s intense. In some ways, it’s the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. There’s no halfway with you. When you were out with that guy the other night, I felt physically ill.” I realized I’d never heard anything about how her date went. “Whatever happened with him anyway?”

  “I was so preoccupied after leaving you, I barely heard a word he said all night. I apologized for seeming out of it and asked him to take me home early.”

  Good.

  “Well, I was a basket case the whole time you were gone. I’ve never felt that possessive over anyone in my entire life, not even the woman I was married to. But that reaction is very telling. It means I need to make sure my feelings toward you aren’t impeding your freedom, that I’m not steering you in a certain direction for selfish reasons. The thought of losing you hurts. But what hurts me even more is the thought of you ever regretting choosing me. I don’t want you to have any regrets. I don’t want you to resent me.”

  I finally seemed to be getting through to her a little. Her eyes softened.

  “I understand what you’re saying. I just don’t know what it means for us. Are you telling me to forget about you and date other people when I go away to school?”

  That made my stomach turn. “Honestly? I have to think about what it means. We took things to a different level last night, one I wasn’t mentally ready for and one we can’t easily come back from, either. You asked me to open up. That’s what I’m doing. I just don’t have all of the answers yet. Right now, these feelings are very raw. I’m still so fucking high off of you I can’t think straight.”

  She just kept blinking and nodding. She didn’t know what to make of this conversation any more than I did.

  Suddenly, she got out of bed. “I think I should go back to the house for a bit.”

  “Don’t leave yet. Let’s keep talking.”

  Heather started putting her clothes back on. “I can’t think straight around you, either. Plus, my mother is probably wondering where I am. She knows I’ve fallen asleep here before. But I’m pretty sure she’ll take one look at my face and figure out what happened this time. I’m not a very good liar.”

  The thought of Alice finding out about this made me panic a little. “Are you gonna tell her the truth if she calls you on it?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Well, if you don’t plan to, you’d better cover your neck. I left marks all over you.”

  The thought of that made me want to fuck her again. What was wrong with me? Even after all of the concerns I’d just shared, I wanted nothing more than to carry her back to bed, bury my head between her legs, and make her scream again. Forget about everything else.

  “Let me get you something to put on.” I threw on my pants and zipped them up.

  Opening the suitcase I’d packed, I took out a turtleneck, cable knit sweater. Don’t ask me why I’d brought that with me in the middle of summer, but I was thankful I had.

  She pulled it over her head. “Thanks.”

  Practically swimming in my sweater, Heather lingered at the door.

  I cupped her face. “Last night was incredible. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying until you tell me it’s okay to leave or until I’m kicked out of here by the new owner…or by you. And I’m here all day when you’re ready to talk more.”

  “Okay.” She leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.

  I watched her walk back to her house. Well, Noah, you’ve finally done it. You’ve gone and fucked things up real good.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  * * *

  HEATHER

  She knows.

  My mother isn’t stupid. She’d seen me leave with that pie last night and knew where I was going. So it didn’t take a genius to figure out why I hadn’t come home until now.

  She was sitting in the dimly lit kitchen waiting for me when I arrived. The fact that she’d come out of her room to sit there and wait meant she was definitely looking for a confrontation.

  She crossed her arms. “Where have you been?”

  “You know the answer to that.”

  Tilting her head, she said, “I assume that’s his sweater…”

  “I fell asleep there. He let me borrow it. It’s a little chilly this morning.”

  “Right.”

  I tried my best not to look at her as I fumbled in search of a K-cup to make some coffee.

  “I understand, you know,” she said.

  I froze.

  I turned around to face her and was now one-hundred percent sure she knew I’d fucked Noah.

  As much as I didn’t want to admit what had happened last night, a part of me needed my mother right now. I needed to talk to someone I trusted. I was used to being the one looking after her, but sometimes a girl needs to be taken care of by her parent. And it was really rare to have her attention like this.

  I resumed making the coffee and finally coughed out the words. “I only went over to give him that pie. Things just...it was a mistake.”

  “There are no mistakes in life. Everything you do is a choice. Some of them are good, and others contribute to our personal growth, teach us lessons. Choices lead us to things we were meant to experience. I may be depressed, but I’m still your mother, and I’ve still garnered some wisdom over the years.”

  “You’re not disappointed in me, then?”

  “Why would I be? Noah is a great man. My trepidation about him early on had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I was afraid to lose you. I’ve since come to terms with the fact that you’re leaving, so my feelings toward Noah have evolved, too. I’ve always sensed the attraction between the two of you. You know that. So, no, this isn’t a surprise, and I’m not disappointed. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Wow.” I took a sip of my coffee and sighed. “I was expecting you to give me hell.”

  “Do I think he’s too old for you? Yes. But the fact is, you’re an adult. I’ve tried hard over the past couple of months to learn how to let you go. That means not questioning your decisions anymore. It hasn’t been easy.”

  “I’m pretty sure I might be in love with him, but I would never tell him that. That would freak him out.”

  My mother didn’t seem all that surprised to hear me say that either. “I know he cares about you, too.”

  “He cares about me, yes, and because of that, he didn’t want to
cross the line. But I’ve made it very difficult for him to resist me. I’ve practically thrown myself at him all summer. So, eventually he gave in. But…now I sort of regret my actions. I was careless, thinking I could handle anything. Maybe I can’t.”

  “What is he telling you?”

  “He doesn’t want to tie me down right now. He’s afraid I’ll regret it. Which means I’m pretty sure his plan is to go back to Pennsylvania and go on with his life without me.”

  My mother looked pensive as she stared out the window toward the boathouse. “I do believe he has your best interests at heart. And I do believe he’s right in some ways. But I also believe that if two people are truly meant to be together, they’ll find a way to make it work. Sometimes you have to be apart first to figure that out.”

  ***

  Throughout the afternoon, I could still feel Noah between my legs. The harsh reality of our last conversation, though, clashed with the post-coital haze. As confused as I was, my body craved him.

  I thought a lot about what my mother had said, about people sometimes needing to be apart to figure things out. There was a reason for that old saying about setting someone free if you love them. If they don’t come back, they never belonged to you in the first place.

  In my heart, I knew Noah wasn’t going to let me cancel my plans to go to Vermont. It was important to him that I experience living independently. So I had to figure out how I was going to handle these remaining days with him, considering that moving ahead with my plans was inevitable.

  He’d texted a few times to check on me. I’d avoided going over there long enough.

  I forced myself to shower and get dressed.

  The weather was overcast and drizzly as I made my way back to the boathouse.

  Noah opened the door right away, looking concerned, like he was already anticipating that my mood would be off.

  “Hey,” he said, his tone sullen.

  “Hey.”

  There was an awkwardness in the air, like we didn’t know whether to argue, kiss each other, start fucking again, or what.

  The smell of something cooking invaded my senses as I entered.

  Walking over to the stove, I asked, “What are you making?”

  “It’s cooler out today. I made this stew. Will you have some with me?”

  “Yeah. That sounds great.” I peeked into the pot. “What’s in it?” The steam hit my face.

  “Carrots, beef, onions, spices…a lot of things. A mish-mash, kind of like my brain today.”

  “I can relate.”

  Our eyes locked. His stare fell to my lips. He looked like he wanted to kiss me. I wanted him to, but at the same time, I prayed he didn’t.

  He stirred the pot. “My dad used to make this stew, actually. It’s one of the only things he knows how to cook. One day I asked him to teach me how to make it. We call it man stew.”

  “That’s funny.” I chuckled. “Well, I’d love to try some of your man stew.”

  That most certainly sounded sexual.

  Noah set two bowls out and poured some of the concoction into each. He carried them over to where I was sitting at the table.

  I blew on it and took a bite. “Mmm…it’s good. Hits the spot.”

  Jesus. Everything that came out of my mouth reminded me of sex.

  He licked some of the stew off his lips. “Tell me what happened when you got back to the house.”

  I paused and put my spoon down. “My mother knows. She knew right away. I didn’t even have to spell it out.”

  He froze for a moment. “Great. Okay. Thanks for the heads up.” Expelling a long breath, he said, “I need to stay far away from the house.”

  “No. She’s okay. We talked a lot. I don’t want to get into all of what was said, but the bottom line is she accepts whatever decisions I make and doesn’t blame you for anything. She won’t treat you any differently.”

  He looked skeptical. “I’ve fucked her daughter. You’d better believe she’ll be looking at me differently.”

  “She’s not going to make your life miserable.”

  “Well, that’s good to know.” He muttered, “Jesus. I’d want to kill me if I was her. I looked her in the eyes and vowed to never touch you.”

  A long moment of silence ensued. Then we both started to talk at the same time.

  “You first,” Noah said.

  I tried to gather my thoughts. “The entire day I’ve been thinking about our talk this morning. My mind has been alternating between that and fantasizing about last night.”

  His eyes seared into mine. “I can’t stop thinking about last night, either.”

  This was the part where I really needed to swallow my pride.

  “I’m sorry for overreacting to your concerns. I know you have my best interests in mind. I think you’re right…about everything, even if I don’t want to accept it. Even if I tell you my feelings won’t change when I go away, you won’t believe me until that’s proven. As much as I feel like hanging everything up and chasing you back to Pennsylvania, I know you would never let me make such a rash decision. So, I am still going to Vermont, and you’re still leaving. Last night isn’t going to change that, but it still breaks my heart.”

  He rested his head in his hands for a moment before looking up at me. “Don’t think for one second that last night didn’t have a profound effect on me. It’s made things ten times harder, which was always what I was trying to avoid.”

  “I know. That’s why as hard as it is—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—I don’t think we should do it again. I don’t think we should have sex any more while you’re here.”

  His face told me he wasn’t expecting that. Perhaps he figured me for a weaker person?

  “Yeah…okay…I agree,” he said.

  “I don’t regret what we did and wouldn’t change it, but I feel so much more attached to you. Given everything that’s going to happen, I can’t afford to make that worse. I’ll never be able to let you go.”

  Noah stared down into his stew a moment. “For the record, I don’t regret it, either.”

  I grinned. “Maybe we should go back to just hanging out on the porch.”

  That made him laugh. “Sadly, I don’t think you’re kidding.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “We can do that. Whatever will make it easier.”

  I exhaled. “Is this what it’s like to be an adult? Making mature decisions, even if they don’t feel right?”

  “Bonus points if it feels like your heart is being ripped out, yeah.”

  It pained me to ask, “Have you decided when you’re leaving?”

  “No. I don’t have a set date, aside from the thirty-first being the last day I’m paid for.”

  “Would you consider staying a little bit beyond that?”

  “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

  “Thank you. That’s a huge relief. I have so much to do. It’s overwhelming.”

  “Take a deep breath. We’ll get it done.” His eyes lingered on the marks he’d left on my neck. “Fuck. It hasn’t even been a full day, and this is already hard.”

  Need burned within me just from the way he looked at me. Maybe this would get easier as the days went on, but right now I just wanted to leap into his arms.

  I totally chickened out when that feeling got to be too strong. Pushing my chair out, I said, “Thank you for the stew. I’m gonna head back to the house and start putting some stuff aside for the yard sale. I was thinking of having one next weekend.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to stay for some pie? We never touched it last night.”

  “No. That’s okay. You enjoy it. You can tell me how it came out.”

  “Okay.” He stood. “Let me know if you need help with anything.”

  “I will. My aunt Katy is coming next weekend. I was going to ask you if you’d come with us to see some properties. I’d love your input.”

  “Anything you need,” he said as he walked me to the door.

&
nbsp; But what I needed, I couldn’t have.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  * * *

  NOAH

  The next Sunday afternoon, Heather’s aunt Katy had come up from Boston, and we’d made appointments to see five different houses in nearby towns that were close, but not exactly on the lake. Alice had opted to stay home. Too overwhelmed by the idea of moving, she’d decided to let Heather and Katy make the decision.

  Debbie, the realtor, opened the door to the last property of the day: a modest but newly renovated one-level home.

  Her heels echoed on the hardwood floor. “They’re asking two-seventy-five. It’s priced to sell. I think we can get them down a tad because the owners are eager to be done with it. They’re already down in Florida. The good thing about this one is it was recently updated, so it’s pretty move-in ready.”

  We were exhausted. The day before we’d held a massive yard sale outside the main house, which Heather had spent the entire week preparing for. We’d sold about half the stuff. I’d packed my truck with the rest and took it to a donation facility. It would probably take more than a month to empty out the main house completely, so it was a good thing they had until mid-September to vacate.

  Heather wanted to go out to Vermont early, find an apartment and job, and get settled before the spring semester started. Once Alice was in her new place, Heather would be able to leave anytime to get a head start out there.

  I knew this whole process was difficult on her, from parting with sentimental belongings to the stress of packing. But it had to be done. Since Alice was virtually useless a lot of the time—aside from slowly packing up some small things—the responsibility of this transition, as usual, fell on Heather’s shoulders. She was a trooper, spending every waking moment that she wasn’t at work doing something to prepare for the move.

  The realtor led us to a back room that had been added onto the house. “Katy, I think this space would be perfect for your art room. The windows let a lot of sun in.”

  Katy brushed her fingers along the wall. “It’s a little small, but it might work.”