Be Your Savior: The Be Yours Trilogy #2

by Fox, Lizzie

  “Babe? You okay?” Quin asked her cautiously as she clutched her stomach and stood, very slowly, breathing out a strangled breath.

  “Yeah…just heartburn. Ugh.”

  “Maybe we should go?” He suggested, and she nodded. “Okay, I’ll find Bella.”

  Ian emerged with his two twin daughters, Bethany and Isla, and Bella Greenway, Quin and Christi’s two-year-old, in tow. Ian and Sabrina had an older son that was undoubtedly hiding in his room, playing video games. But the girls were laughing and giggling loudly—Bella and the twins were very close, only being a year apart, and she even called Ian “uncle.” She referred to me as “the scary one” which was…endearing.

  Kids really didn’t like me much. But then again, they made me feel uneasy, and I didn’t know why.

  I felt Jessie tense under my arm and I watched her cautiously. She eyed the entire scene with Christi moaning about the baby kicking her bladder continuously and Bella pleading to stay a little while longer, and I watched a sadness wash over her pretty face I’d never seen there before. I swallowed thickly.

  “Hey, we should probably get going too,” I suggested, and Jessie forced a smile, looking relieved. I knew she liked the guys, and everyone liked her, but something was clearly troubling her. We were done recording and had eaten anyway so…it was time.

  Shane noticed too, gave Jessie a huge hug, and whispered in her ear. They’d become truly, very fast friends and had a lot in common. I was relieved that she had someone else here besides me she could confide in. “I’ll call you, got it?” Shane said, and Jessie nodded with a smile. And we followed a moaning, cranky Quin and Christi out to the driveway since their large truck was parked behind Jessie’s lime-green Dodge Challenger.

  “They’re leaving Bella here? Must be getting close,” Jessie mused, watching everything intently.

  “Jess. Okay there’s no one out here, what is going on with you?” I asked with concern.

  She shrugged, going around and getting into the passenger’s side, indicating that I should drive.

  What the… I’d driven her car before, obviously, but Jessie loved it and always preferred to drive.

  “All right, spill,” I said, getting into the driver’s side and pulling out my keys, shoving one into the ignition. It roared to life and Jessie buckled up and slumped in the seat. “Something is up.”

  When she didn’t answer right away, I reached over and took her hand in mine. “Please, honey. Just tell me.”

  She sighed lengthily. “The date. What is the date?”

  “Um… June 3rd? Why?”

  Her face sank, and a lone tear streamed down her cheek. What the…? This was completely out of the blue. So I thought…

  “Hey, whoa—okay, now you need to tell me what it is.” I crooked a finger under her chin, and aimed her face towards mine.

  “June 3rd. Ah…” She averted my gaze, looking anywhere but at me. “It was my due date. Yeah, okay it was fourteen years ago but—”

  “—today could have been your kid’s fourteenth birthday. Shit, Jessie… why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have asked you to come out today if I’d known!” I protested.

  “Looks like it’ll be someone’s though,” she muttered bitterly, and I knew she probably meant Quin and Christi’s baby.

  “Damn, honey… I’m so—” I began, but she held up a dismissive hand.

  “No, I can’t take the pity. It’s just…”

  “What?”

  She sighed again, this time louder and a bit more of a groan before she glanced up at me with teary eyes. “I’m getting old, Seth. Fucking old.”

  “You are not! You—” and I snapped my mouth shut, realizing what she meant. Now it was my turn to sigh.

  “You realize that in two years, I’d be considered ‘high risk’ because I’ll be thirty-five?” Jessie said bitterly.

  “Oh that’s such a crock of shit. Christi is thirty-four, and she has no issues,” I reminded her, but the death glare on her face told me that was the exact wrong thing to say.

  “This is her second. She could be done after this.” She snorted, laughing derisively. “Hell, if I started now, and let’s say decided to have two—I’d be almost forty. Forty!”

  I reached for her hand and she balked gently. Still I refused to let go, and she relaxed after a moment. “What’s this ‘if I started now’? Are you planning to have some sort of immaculate conception?” I was kidding, mostly, but now that I thought of it, the fact that she verbally excluded me was like a small knife right in the gut.

  Her gaze flicked to me momentarily. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be on board for that. We’ve never actually discussed it.”

  Groaning, I ran my hands through my hair, and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. “No, you’re right, we haven’t.”

  “I don’t even know if I can,” she said sadly, in a very small voice.

  “Say what now?” I turned my head and cocked a brow at her.

  “I was married for almost ten years. We tried…it never happened.” Jessie sighed sadly. “I realize now it was probably good, but… shit, I wasted so much time with that asshole. What was I thinking? And now it might be—” Her words clipped, and she slumped back against the seat.

  I blew out a tense breath. “I’m not sure what to do with all of this. How do you know it wasn’t him?”

  “Well, I did have a miscarriage…”

  “That’s just crap. I mean—that was sad, don’t get me wrong. I know you’re hurting. But… consider what just had happened. Stress can mess that stuff up. Can’t it?” I asked, hoping I’d hit the nail on the head and said the right thing.

  She nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s what the doctor said. And he said that after my surgery there shouldn’t be any trouble for me, but…”

  “Wait. Surgery?” I asked, surprised.

  “Oh nothing big. I had some cysts removed from my ovaries. He said everything else looked good after that…but…maybe I’m just too old.” She crossed her arms over her chest, seeming to hug herself as she pointedly looked away from me, staring out the car window.

  I noticed that Anthony and Shane were climbing into their car, and I took that as my cue to back out of the driveway and leave.

  Well, this was new. I’m not the moody one this time. Not to say she’s moody…

  We were silent the entire distance home to 1999 Lakefront Drive—not that it was a long distance, Independence Point, Wisconsin wasn’t very big at all. The mood was tense, though, so it might as well have been hours.

  Shifting the car in park, I turned the ignition off, shifted until I faced Jessie, and sighed. “Jess, honey… I can’t tell you not to be sad. But…”

  “Maybe we’re rushing things. This seems to be a scary topic for you,” she suggested.

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”

  She sighed, and turned to me, torment written all over her face. “I’m sorry. I just…”

  “I know.” I brushed my fingers over her cheek and gave a small smile. “It’s not ‘no’, it’s just… I always thought with my history it was a bad idea. But then you said…what you said that time and it changed my mind. Maybe. But Jess… I really suck with kids. You’ve seen Bella—she calls me the ‘scary’ one. Maybe it’s all the tats and piercings, but…”

  She snorted. “You’re afraid of her, and she can sense it. Look at Quin—he has almost as many tattoos and more piercings. And you’re all…broody and stuff. I guarantee that if you weren’t so nervous, she’d love you. How could she not?”

  A grin twitched on the corners of my mouth. “You have to say that.”

  “No, I don’t. Adam was a dick—I don’t know why I ever thought he would make a good dad. Kids hated him. I knew he was going to have to learn that skill. But you…” She eyed me carefully as I shifted anxiously in the seat. “Sorry. That was probably too much. I don’t know what I’m thinking, really. Just ignore me.” Haughtily, she opened her door and slid out of
the car, stalking off up the path up to the house.

  Oh hell no.

  I quickly got out of the car and raced up the path to her, grabbing her by the waist and spinning her around until she looked right into my eyes. “Jessalie Reynolds, goddammit. I am not going to ignore you. We will talk about it, and we’ll figure it out. It scares me—yes. I won’t lie about that. But lots of things do, doesn’t mean I don’t do them.”

  She looked up at me optimistically, and I leaned over, brushing a kiss on her lips before parting and moving to open the door.

  I sighed quietly to myself as she walked past me into the house, dreading this conversation I knew we had to have that I’d been putting off.

  How do you confess to the person you love the most, that you might not be able to give them the thing they most want?

  2

  Jessalie Lightman-Reynolds

  I knew Seth didn’t want to have that conversation.

  Frankly, I didn’t either. The subject was always full of tension and broken-hearts for me; always had been.

  I didn’t know what I was thinking when I confessed that today would have been my miscarried child’s birthdate… Blake’s and my child. Somethings were just better left unsaid.

  Usually on this day I just silently marked the occasion by sitting somewhere, alone, staring out the window… hoping that somehow—someway—they were together. Which felt absurd, because I’d only been twelve weeks along. I imagined what he or she would have looked like if they’d been born; maybe a carbon copy of Blake with light blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, or a combination us both.

  I felt a lone, solitary tear slide down my face as I stared silently out of the window of our bedroom.

  When we arrived home from Ian and Sabrina’s, Seth headed directly for the fridge—I swore that man could eat more than an entire football team—and I made some excuse about wanting to come upstairs and change. That had been thirty minutes ago. He must have gotten the hint that I needed a few minutes alone.

  Watching the adorable way Ian interacted with his two daughters, and Quin and Christi’s, made me smile, thinking that Blake would have been that exact same way, but I’d never know.

  Then watching Christi clutching her swollen belly—even though I knew she must have been uncomfortable as hell—just did all the worst things to me. Fourteen years ago, that should have been me, and I should still have the memories of it.

  It caused the second most depressing, empty feeling I’ve ever had in the pit of my stomach. My chest tightened and clenched, and my breath was taken away. I felt a strange sensation in the depths of my abdomen. I almost felt like it was my uterus, reminding me that time was ticking away and pretty soon it’d bail on me just like Blake had, more or less; and I’d never, ever know how it felt to carry a baby inside of me. What its first kick felt like, or what cravings I’d get, or what I’d look like with a baby bump.

  Over the years I forced myself to ignore it, but there were times like today it came and whacked me over the head, knocked me to the ground, and beat me senseless with the emptiness.

  Lots of women didn’t want kids—and that was totally fine. However, I did… and I wasn’t sure Seth did. This would be a huge, huge problem. Something we probably should have talked about more before agreeing to get married. After all, at the time it’d only been three weeks or so. But everything just felt so right, and if it weren’t for that one little thing that was actually a huge, really big thing, everything would have been perfect.

  I sighed, pushing the tear away with the back of my hand as I brought my knees into my chest, and wrapped my arms around them as I stared out the window at the pretty lake view. A view full of vacationing families on boats. Families, with kids, and even from this distance I could see a number of them looked much younger than I. Or, maybe I just imagined that.

  “Jessie?”

  I turned and looked over my shoulder, and despite my despair, I grinned widely. My fiancé, Seth Archer was something truly amazing, a perfect combination of boy next door and sexy rock n’ roller. He was just as talented artistically as he was amazingly gorgeous. He carried a mug of something in his hands, leaned his upper body against the door frame, and crossed one of his long legs over the other. I allowed my gaze to roam the length of his body. Judging by the smart-assed, sidelong grin on his pierced, pouty lips, he enjoyed me looking at him this way. And I liked that he liked it. A lot.

  Seth was tall, over six feet. He described himself as “skinny and lanky” but he really wasn’t. He was on the thinner side, but he did have some muscular definition. I knew his “thinness” was an insecurity for him, but with his honey-hazel brown eyes, black hair, chiseled jawline, and intricate ink all over his alabaster skin—he just looked amazing. He had tattoos between his shoulders, one on his side, his hands and some of his fingers, and up and down his arms, partially to cover the thin, white scars he’d given himself over the years as a result of self-harm; a way to cope with his bipolar 1 disorder, among other things. He had an eyebrow piercing and longer hair, both he’d recently ditched of his own accord; but he did keep the lip piercing.

  Seth was absolutely gorgeous, and just looking at him made me breathless sometimes. Like, how was it possible this amazingly gorgeous man could possibly be into someone plain like me? But, he was, and I thanked all my lucky stars that he was.

  Which is partially why I didn’t want to get upset over this. I needed to give him a little time—but it was just that my biological clock was ticking so damned loudly, there were times it was all I heard. Especially lately, being around all the kids of Ian and Quin’s.

  “Jessie?” He repeated cautiously, daring to enter the bedroom instead of just leaning on the doorframe. I gave him a genuine smile—it was small, but it was real.

  “Peace offering?” he said, with his own cautious grin, crossing the room to hand me a mug of hot coffee.

  “Thanks,” I replied, taking it from him and enjoying a long sip of the strong, black coffee. Both of us took it the same way, which was nice because we could share.

  Ugh, Anthony is right…we are sickening. The thought put a wide smirk on my face.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked, with a raised eyebrow and a light chuckle.

  “Oh… I was just thinking about when Anthony said we were sickening,” I replied, with a snort, as I absentmindedly handed the coffee back to Seth, and he took his own long drink.

  “Why is that?”

  “Because we share the same coffee, for starters,” I said, with an amused smile.

  “Ah…yes maybe he’s right.” Seth agreed, smiling himself for a few moments before folding himself at my feet on the window seat. “Honey, talk to me. What’s going on? I know you’re sad about something. Not just the anniversary thing, either.”

  I breathed in deeply. “I’m just afraid we’re not on the same page when it comes to… that.”

  “Kids?” He offered, and I nodded.

  Sighing, he set the mug on the window ledge, wrapped his long arms around my legs, and perched his chin on my knees, eyeing me carefully. “Honestly? It scares me a bit. It does. But what you said that one time makes a whole lot of sense…”

  “What did I say?” I inquired, confused. “You mentioned me saying it before, but I don’t remember.”

  “That millions of them are going to be born whether anyone likes it or not, and that wouldn’t it be better if they were born to someone who understands like me—like us—so we can help?”

  “I said that? Wow that’s pretty… deep.”

  Seth chortled. “Yeah it is. Before that I genuinely never would have even thought about it. But…”

  “But?” I prompted.

  He raked a hand through his hair, hesitantly biting his lip piercing. “I just need a bit of time. Not ‘no’… just… a bit of time. To get used to the idea.”

  I nodded slowly in understanding, but I didn’t speak. Of course that was the logical thing to do.

  There was nothing
logical about how I felt, though, I tried to push the feeling deep down inside. I had been able to ignore it for quite some time, especially with Adam because… well he was a jerk.

  Since meeting Seth, all of that longing came back. Because even though he couldn’t see how much potential he had, how much love and caring he was capable of… I did.

  “Jess…” Seth took both of my hands in his and spoke earnestly, with love and adoration in his eyes that made me smile. “I know you’re worried you’re getting old. You’re not. You—we—still have plenty of time. All that nonsense you hear on TV and shit? It’s just that…nonsense. You’ll be perfectly fine and so would our—” he paused briefly, to swallow down a strangled gulp, “—baby. They’ll be fine too.” He trembled gently against me just at the mere thought of it—babies.

  So… I took a deep breath, and put a sweet smile on my face, hoping it was convincing. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m being unreasonable. It’s just—”

  “—you don’t have to explain, Jessie. I’ve watched Christi and Sabrina go through something similar. Just keep talking to me about it. And… we’ll figure it out. Okay?” He asked hopefully, and I nodded. He still held my hands, and with a gentle tug, urged me out of my curled position, into his arms and the length of his body. I grinned at his playful expression. His half smile and gently-hooded eyes—what I affectionately referred to as his “fuck-me face”—was emerging. “So... can we talk about something else?” He ran his tattooed fingers down the length of my arm, gooseflesh erupting in the wake of his touch.

  “What did you have in mind?” I asked in a mildly husky tone. The tip of his tongue slid mindlessly over his piercing, and I noticed his gaze was raking the length of my body, lingering over the cleavage exposed from my black tank top.

  He smirked, lifting his touch to my shoulders and collarbone instead. I shivered and began to lose myself in that honey-eyed stare that had utterly captivated me in a noisy bar a year ago. Seth was magnetic, and I was drawn to him. I could be in a room of thousands of people and I’d still feel his gaze on me.