Be Your Savior: The Be Yours Trilogy #2

by Fox, Lizzie

  None of this was worth risking her health.

  29

  Jessalie

  Oh god…

  When I woke up the next morning, my head feeling like a leaded anvil, my stomach churned and everything was entirely too bright. Groaning, I rolled over, wishing I could will the drapes shut with my mind when I noticed that the drapes were already shut. Any light that was in here came from the light in the bathroom or seeped in through a crack in the curtains. Uggghh… It was just too much.

  Sighing, I slowly sat up, stretching my arms out wide and rolling my shoulders. Everything felt a bit tense and achy, and my throat was totally dry to the point of hurting. No…actually it burned. I glanced over at the nightstand for the time, past the empty champagne bottle—I wondered if Seth had some, because I did not remember drinking that much. It was around 8 AM, and I was surprised that Seth wasn’t in bed still. After his late night? I figured he’d surely be sleeping in. I was more than a little disappointed that he wasn’t still here, but when I heard his voice speaking lowly from elsewhere in the suite, I knew at least he was here.

  I remembered him coming in and ordering food. We ate together in silence mostly, and we’d fallen asleep after. There was something off about him that made me wary… a standoffishness that didn’t seem purposeful. He couldn’t look me in the eye or hold a long conversation. He was just… off.

  That could all be because he was worn out, and perhaps he was heading into a low. Blake would get like that. So far, I hadn’t seen anything terrible from Seth besides the car chase incident, but it probably wouldn’t be out of the realm of ordinary to expect something like that. He did cuddle up to me as he drifted off, so whatever it was bothering him, I knew it would be okay.

  Seth’s voice started to rise from the other room, and I frowned: he definitely sounded upset. Not wanting to interrupt any conversation he was having, I stealthily crept to the bathroom, groaning when I realized even my limbs felt like bricks, and brushed my teeth, relishing in the minty flavor of the toothpaste that washed out the nasty cotton feeling and sickly-sweet champagne that was left behind from last night.

  I rinsed from the faucet and turned off the water, moving for a hand towel. I wasn’t purposely trying to eavesdrop on him, but it was easier to hear him in the bathroom. It didn’t hurt that he was nearly yelling now.

  “Miles, I get it. Really. I’ll just pay you back everything, but I have to go. Really. It’s important…”

  Have to go? Instantly alarmed, I started for him, but when he spoke next, I stopped in my tracks.

  “No, I’m fine. Tired, but fine. It’s Jessie. She is… not feeling well.”

  I snorted, glancing at my reflection. There were bags under my bloodshot eyes, and my skin was blotchy. I certainly wouldn’t be winning any modeling contracts soon, but hey, it was a bad night for me. And I was feeling fine now so… where was Seth getting this?

  “I know, man. I get it. My family comes first, though…yeah…can’t we like, take footage of the concert in Florida to use?... who cares if the director doesn’t want that?... I’m still not entirely sure I want to be in a damn video…I’m not an actor, shit!”

  Carefully, I stepped into the living area, leaning against a wall and knocking to get his attention, as his back was facing me. He spun around and there was a sheepish look on his gorgeous face. His hair was still mussed, and he wore only boxers that hung low on his hips. If I didn’t feel so sloppy, I would have been seriously turned on. As it was… just seeing him there made me grin. Then, I remembered he was using me as an excuse to get out of working today with Miles.

  Seth turned away again, and his hand immediately went to his hair, gripping the roots; something he did when he got stressed, along with raking his tongue over his lip piercing. Which he did now, as he listened to whatever Miles was saying on the phone. “Really, I have to do this. I’m very sorry, but…” He listened for a few moments, and then dragged his hand over his face, sighing and then releasing a frustrated groan. “Fine. Just this one more day. If you don’t get what you need by then, it’s not my problem. I’m serious, man… yeah, see you in about an hour.” He pulled the phone away from his ear, stabbed at the display with a finger and tossed it irritably on the nearby couch. “Goddammit…” he muttered, groaning into both hands now.

  I dared to cross the room to him and slid my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his warm chest. His heart beat rapidly, and I felt him tense slightly. “Why did you say I was sick? I’m fine…”

  Sighing, he set his hands on my shoulders, not before flicking my messy hair over my back. He stepped back once to look at me squarely. “Honey, you’re not fine. And we have some talking to do, and I’d rather not do it here. I’d prefer to go home where we’re both comfortable.”

  Furrowing a brow, I crossed my arms over my chest expectantly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but whatever you’re going to say you can say right now.”

  He shook his head quickly. “No, I can’t. Especially, now that I can’t get out of this video shit. We recorded the songs fast which was great, but apparently they want to tweak things and use footage of us in the studio for—whatever before shoving us on the stage for… whatever.”

  “Whatever? What do you mean, ‘whatever’?”

  “A small stage they have there for shooting videos and things. That’s why I can’t get out of it, they’ve hired actors for it and they’ll only be here today and tomorrow. Whatever they can’t get of me today is too bad, we’re out of here at five. And I mean that,” Seth commanded with determination. “Now I have to get ready. I need you to promise me something.”

  “What? Anything, baby,” I replied honestly.

  “No more drinking. Just… please,” he pleaded, and I narrowed my eyes at him, giving him a little shove as I stepped back myself.

  “No more drinking? Is that what this was about? You think I have a drinking problem?” I laughed sharply, feeling my cheeks heat with anger. “Dammit you sound just like Kieran.”

  Seth mimicked my irritation, folding his arms over himself and narrowing his hazel eyes down at me. “Who do you think I talked to?”

  “You what?” My mouth fell open in surprise.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about the DWI? Or being in A/A for years?” He challenged, and I swallowed deeply, feeling a sudden wash of guilt before that guilt turned into fury.

  “That DWI was bullshit. I was sitting in a parked car. Adam and I just had a fight, and I’m pretty sure he called the cops on me himself,” I reputed.

  Seth cocked his head in consideration. “I wouldn’t put it past him to do that.”

  “See?” I gestured towards him in affirmation. “He’s crazy! So yeah, I blew over the legal limit on a breathalyzer. I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. Hell, I had the parking brake on! And I had to go to A/A or something and pay a bunch of fines. It was bogus, so help me! Whatever Kieran is telling you he’s full of it.”

  Seth scratched his chin contemplatively. “Well maybe, but it’s just because they’re worried about you. And so am I, frankly. Why didn’t you tell me all of this? We’re supposed to get married in a week! Shouldn’t the idea of ‘I got a DWI’ have come up at some point?”

  I scoffed with a dismissive shrug. “Oh please. That was years ago. I stayed in A/A because my sponsor was a good friend, and she was widowed too. We could connect. It was nice to have someone who understood.”

  “I bet it was, honey. But…” hesitantly he reached for me, and I jerked my head away when he aimed to touch my cheek. He didn’t give up, though and cupped my face in his hand, tipping my gaze up. He always did that, I noticed, and he always looked at me with such adoration that it was really hard to be mad. Or hide the truth. Because I know he cared.

  I mean he cared enough to spend the night in jail for punching out my douchebag ex.

  Exhaling noisily, feeling his fingers graze over my jaw, I looked up at him sheepishly. “I used to have a problem. When Blake di
ed. I…” Hot needles pricked at my eyes as tears threatened to fall at the very memory. “I just lost it.”

  “I understand that. I mean… I cope with things—or I used to—by cutting myself. How dumb is that, really?” He said with a nonchalant chuckle.

  “It’s not dumb at all. Well… I mean there are better ways, I’m sure, but it’s not dumb. You were hurting,” I replied earnestly.

  “I was. I know you have been too, for whatever. What has you so bothered since being here?” He inquired, and I bit my lip, ashamed. I had to lower my gaze down to avoid melting under the guise of his beautiful face.

  “I know you like this stuff. I know you’re enjoying it. I can’t help but think I’m holding you back, and I don’t want to…” Nervous at my confession—which wasn’t new but it was still lingering in my mind—I set my hands on his stomach, mindlessly tracing my fingers over the tattoo on his side. It was always one of my favorites because it wasn’t meant to cover scars, but it was a passage of one of his songs surrounded by a fancy design.

  “Yes, I did enjoy it. But it is not something I could do all the time,” Seth insisted, pulling me into him and setting his chin on top of my head. “I have to get ready. But seriously—no drinking. Go back to that spa if you have to. Take a walk, something. Just please stay away from the alcohol.”

  I nodded slowly in agreement. “I will.”

  “Good. We’ll talk more about it later.” He tipped my chin up and tenderly kissed me, barely opening up enough so that it was more like a taunt. We parted, and then he headed into the shower.

  No drinking. Right. With a bored sigh, I sat on the sofa and reached for a book on the coffee table that contained all the local sights and places to see, hoping I could find one to distract me for the day. So that I didn’t drink.

  I felt genuinely refreshed that morning, after I showered, shaved, dressed, and fixed myself up decently, and headed to a coffee house that was a couple of blocks away. It was cooler than normal for a Wisconsin morning and totally overcast, so the jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers I wore were comfortable, and not sweat-inducing. It was perfectly dimly lit, with a casual, comfortable atmosphere and really good food. I had gone with the intention of hoping to get some writing in on my laptop, but my mind wandered too much, thinking about my “confession” and the upcoming wedding… all of that. I took another brief moment to browse the wedding website, feeling just a bit giddy. Just a little over a week, that would be us.

  Holy crap… I’m getting married. Again. For a third time.

  My eyes enlarged like saucers. I was getting married. Again. Suddenly, I felt a bit overwhelmed, and my stomach squeezed and churned.

  I wasn’t worried about Seth. At all. No, I was worried about myself… and failing.

  I failed Blake miserably. I failed him so hard, he wasn’t even here anymore. Would he feel remorse that he hurt me so much? Would he blame me? I blamed me… no matter how I was told I shouldn’t, still. Still.

  Adam? I failed him too. I couldn’t be enough of what he needed. And then when I figured it out, I didn’t have the courage to up and leave him. If I had, maybe I would have found Seth earlier, and none of this would even be a thing. We would have had plenty of time for life, babies… all that.

  Regardless… he said a year. Okay. That was perfectly reasonable. But… if I was the problem… another year closer to the dreaded fertility fall off age, and it could be disastrous. No matter how much common sense told me that was fake.

  My hands felt clammy and sweaty, and when I went to slide my fingers across the touch pad, my fingers trembled and shook. I was nervous. Why was I nervous?

  This is stupid. Just talk to Seth, everything will be fine. He loves you.

  Yes. That was right. Talking things out with him would make it better. That was the key, not the sudden need for a drink I had promised I wouldn’t take.

  Nope, I won’t do it.

  I glanced out at the window next to me; a liquor store was just a few buildings away. I could get a bottle of wine and some whiskey or something and go relax until Seth got back. I promised I wouldn’t drink; I knew that. But… if I just drank a little to relax?

  You don’t need to relax. Everything is fine.

  Then why was I suddenly anxious and trembling, feeling like I was about to lose my coffee and lunch I just ate? It was just nerves, a little cold feet. I wasn’t worried about being with Seth at all…

  …I was worried about disappointing him. And there was so much I could do to disappoint him. First, I could maybe never get pregnant. Secondly, I could be holding him back from his music career he so deserved. Third? Maybe I would fail keeping his bipolar in check.

  I clenched my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I was just getting nervous. That was all. There’s been a lot going on, and we could use a couple days at home to just unwind and relax.

  Yeah, that was it.

  Of course, a drink would help you relax even more. But I promised I wouldn’t. I couldn’t begin our lives by breaking a promise.

  Nope, not going to do it, I thought resolutely. I gave a fleeting glance to my cell phone nearby, hoping that I would have had a text from Seth. Or even Shane. Someone. But so far everything had been quiet.

  Without even thinking about it, I navigated to Night Addiction’s social media page. Seeing all the positive comments from people underneath Seth’s confession and apology after the story released about his “altercation” with Adam made my soul just soar. He deserved all that happiness and support. Of course, there were a few trolls; but I knew Sabrina was pretty active in getting rid of them.

  Scrolling down, I looked for anything new. I didn’t know why, I just liked it when they released new songs and people liked them. I felt so damned proud of him, every time he overcame another hurdle and put out another song. I also did get a certain thrill out of hearing the songs I’d written for them hit the airwaves.

  But there were no new songs yet.

  However… there were a handful of tags from Miles Madison, including Seth in some of his photos from his own feed. Curious, I clicked on them, and nearly fell out of my seat.

  The first photo tagged was just a shot of him and Seth in the recording studio. No big deal, this one was taken on Tuesday. It was the second one that floored me.

  I knew they were shooting the video today. Seth had said it would just be them in the studio, but the photo of him in front of a green screen, wearing a short sleeved white shirt entirely unbuttoned, and a pair of tight black pants said otherwise. Pants that were so low, his hip bones were visible. And it wasn’t just that. His hands were at his sides, and he looked down, his shirt and hair blowing backward…

  …and in the arms of a pretty young blonde, with the caption underneath, “Seth Archer and actress Nina Haven in the video for my new single coming out soon, ‘All Over You.’ Here’s a clip if you want to hear it—it’s so different than anything I’ve done and super sexy!”

  Super sexy?

  So much for them just doing studio shots.

  I didn’t know why it hurt me. I didn’t. I knew he wasn’t interested—he wasn’t even looking at her. But if his collaborations with Miles were to continue in any capacity… this would become the norm for him. Posing for photos and videos with beautiful women. And I felt completely inadequate…

  Biting down on my lip—hard—to keep myself from screaming out of here in a banshee tirade, I slipped a pair of earbuds into my ears and clicked on the clip.

  Seth’s husky, velvet rocker voice was smoother than usual, and he complimented Miles very nicely as they seemed to go back and forth between lines until the chorus where they both sang. Miles took higher notes, Seth took melody, and they sounded phenomenal. As much as I hated to admit it, better than things I’d heard from Night Addiction. This was an entirely different sound.

  The comments? There were no troll comments. Only dozens of women saying how hot they sounded, and how sexy Seth was, and inquiring all sorts of questions that would go unanswere
d, as well as talking with each other and making lewd comments about wanting to have his babies or pushing him down in a bed or any of another number of sexually explicit things.

  My eyes flashed to the photo with him and the model again. They looked sultry and amazing together.

  And I felt like a dummy in a burlap sack.

  I slammed the screen shut, shoving my laptop in my backpack, along with everything else I had with me. Leaving my lunch and coffee behind, I quickly headed out of the shop and down the block, feeling relieved when I entered the liquor store and inhaled that familiar heady smell of all the amassed wines and spirits. I felt relaxed almost instantly.

  My choice was quick; a bottle of red wine and a tall bottle of Absolut—the highest potency I could find.

  If this didn’t stop the ridiculous thoughts from addling my brain…nothing would.

  30

  Seth

  “No, this I’m not doing. I just can’t.”

  I grabbed my open shirt and pulled it tightly over myself, covering my naked chest. Nina, the model they had suddenly surprised me with to pose with, looked at me with bewilderment.

  “Archer, man…this will be hot. Trust me,” Miles insisted with a waggle of his brow. “What other industry can you stand around with hot women all day long, get paid for it, and it’s acceptable? Live a little.”

  I laughed shortly, stepping backward. “No, dude, I’ve lived plenty. More than anyone my age probably should. I agreed to being shot in the studio, I even agreed to this damn shirt—I look fucking ridiculous.”

  “You look hot,” Nina praised, and I felt exposed and…ashamed as her eyes raked over the length of my body. I didn’t respond to her.

  I could stand on a stage and work a crowd, but I drew the line at being a piece of goddamned meat. This was a job for Wes—not for me. Furthermore, I didn’t like how I looked enough to be putting myself through this. I didn’t want this sort of thing on video for the world to see. My future family to see.