The Devil's Been Busy

by J. D. Blackrose

  Nathaniel sighed. “If you get Lila to extend the protection spells, and Blaze is on guard, maybe we can handle having four little girls for a few hours. Bounty or no, you are always in danger. It’s something we’ve had to learn to live with. We can’t let your job stop us from doing fun things. We’d never do anything.”

  “I’ll call her,” I grumbled. “But if she wants a blood donation, it’s off.”

  One hundred and fifty bucks later, plus the liver, heart and kidneys of a chicken I was cleaning, Lila agreed to expand the protection spell to include anyone in the house or yard. She started in our kitchen, where she lit a sandalwood-scented candle, sat in a chair, closed her eyes and took a deep cleansing breath. She motioned me to her.

  “Can I please have a bowl of water, olive oil, and salt, please?” she asked.

  “Any specific amount of olive oil? Does it matter if it’s iodized salt, rock salt, or kosher salt? Do we need filtered water or will tap water do?” I was more of a smash and grab kind of girl; this subtle stuff wasn’t in my wheelhouse.

  Lila focused on the candle, and without looking, replied, “Filtered water would be great. Any olive oil will do as long as it’s extra-virgin, and of course, it has to be kosher salt. You’re Jewish.”

  “Sorry. Amateur here with the wiccan stuff.”

  Lila snorted. “That’s obvious.”

  Placing a bowl, oil, and salt in front of her, I said, “Anything else you require, madam?” I ground my teeth and managed to keep the snark out of my voice. I believed in what she was doing. Lila was a powerful witch, but she only did magic with a high dose of condescension. She was somewhere around one hundred and five years old, with hanging jowls and flapping dragon wings of skin under her triceps. I’m not too ashamed to admit that this made me feel a bit superior. I flexed my arm, showing off my biceps. She didn’t even notice.

  “Spray paint.”

  “You need spray paint? For what?”

  “Go on, stop asking questions, girl, and find some spray paint. Any color will do. Someone has a can sitting around their garage.” She waved her left hand at me in a shooing motion.

  I trudged to our garage and rifled through the odds and ends. I found a paint roller, spider webs, multiple cords of different sizes and shapes, duct tape, two sets of roller blades, plastic sheeting, and a bike helmet. I yelled up the stairs, “Nathaniel! Kids! We have to clean out the garage!”

  I’ve said the same thing a dozen times, and we’ve still never cleaned out anything. We pile and hoard.

  My neighbor, Judy, might have a can of spray paint. A black elf recently kidnapped her son, Joseph, in order to flush me out and kill me for reward money. The bounty wasn’t a standard number, like one million. Instead, it was the auction bidding price of a ruby that used to be in the crown of King Louis XIV. I had no idea who had that jewel or why they’d offered such a valuable item for my head. I suspected it was something my mother had done while she was a monster hunter that I didn’t know about. My Buddha said I could suffer for someone else’s crime if I had benefitted from it.

  Judy did, in fact, have spray paint and gave it to me happily, eager to help in any way since Blaze, my resident phoenix, Shura, a genius wolf, and I had rescued her son. The irony was that her son wouldn’t have been kidnapped if it wasn’t for me, so I carried guilt in a metaphysical backpack wherever I went.

  Lila waited for me on the porch, gripping a dripping candle. “Took you long enough. Any longer and I’d have to start over. You’d owe me an arm and a leg.”

  I studied her to make sure she was kidding and was pretty sure she was. Maybe.

  We marked out the four corners of the property with the white spray paint, and Lila dripped candle wax at each corner, walking the entire perimeter. I had a very large yard with woods in the back and a little stream that ran through. It took some time, but she didn’t complain. I think that when it came to the actual magic/potion/spelling part, she was deadly serious. When she was done, she placed the candle on my porch and told me let it burn out naturally.

  “What if it rains?” I asked.

  She raised an eyebrow. “Stand in front of it and keep it from getting wet. Listen, I threw in a little extra mojo, even though you didn’t specify it. The person or creature entering your property needs to have evil intent. That way you don’t accidentally zap the mailman.”

  “Well, thanks, but I had to specify that? You don‘t normally protect innocents?”

  Lila shrugged. “I trained with the Fae. You need to be precise, but in this case, I figured you’re too stupid to know that and I threw it in for free. Besides, there are children involved. I’m not completely heartless.”

  “Good to know.” Internally, I was thinking, Get off my lawn, you psychopath.

  The crazy witch left on her broom—okay, it was a Ford Fiesta, but it wouldn’t have surprised me to see a broom. I scooted the candle back another foot closer to the house with my toe and placed metal deck chairs around it, hoping they would protect it if my luck continued and it thunder stormed. I almost tripped over Devi when I entered the house because the little minx was waiting for me. She clapped her hands, squirming like she had ants in her pants.

  “Now can I have a sleepover?”

  “Not so fast, sneaky Pete. You agreed to a mock sleepover with the girls leaving at nine.”

  Devi gave me a hard stare. “Mom, we said midnight. How about eleven?”

  “Ten.”

  She jumped up and down. “Perfect! Thanks, Mom!”

  She’d played me like a fiddle.

  The next evening, Devi laid out her list of desires, needs, and wants for her party. The girls were easy to choose, since she had four close friends. Debby, Abby, Sammy, and Dany, the “Y” team, would join us at 7:00 and leave at 10:00. Each needed a costume, a sleeping bag—although they weren’t actually sleeping at our house—and I promised gluten-free snacks since Dany had celiac. When I asked if her highness had any other wishes, she gave me a breezy “no,” not recognizing my sarcasm, and scampered off to her room. On second thought, she may have noticed it, but ignored it, which is what her father usually did.

  I’d spoken to Blaze about the mock sleepover, and he was nonchalant.

  Between the protection spells, me, and you, the girls will be fine.

  “I’m not sure my carpet will survive.”

  That sounds like a “you” problem.

  A yip caught my attention, and I looked to my left to see Shura strolling in. Shura, a wolf from the zoo who’d eaten a bit of were-gorilla flesh and gotten smarter because of it, liked to visit. She was also a fearsome fighter and a treasured ally. Still, her appearance meant danger was on the horizon.

  “You left the zoo again?”

  Shura lolled out her tongue, and Blaze translated her thoughts.

  My pups are all grown, and it’s boring at the zoo. You’re always good for some mayhem.

  “The zoo will be looking for you, and what about your mate?”

  Men! He made his den and now he can lie in it. I’m taking a break.

  “Ahhhhh, okay. Good adaptation of the idiom by the way.”

  Did I get it right? I practiced on the way here. Oh, I brought a friend.

  “Who?”

  I heard a “hoo-hoo” from the side yard and I scooted to investigate. Rocko jumped out from behind a bush hooting a gorilla version of “surprise!” He wrapped his massive arms around me and hugged me so hard I thought my teeth would fall out.

  “Rocko! You came to visit. It’s so good to see you. How’s Lulu? Are you getting a better selection of fruit? I told them no bananas.”

  Rocko squeezed me harder.

  “Big guy, put me down, please?”

  He dropped me and patted me on the head with one dinner plate-sized hand.

  Suddenly, I realized that I had a gorilla in my yard. This gorilla was special, having been turned into a human for a short while when the aforementioned were-gorilla turned nature all topsy-turvy. It was a long stor
y, but it also left Rocko more intelligent than your average gorilla, and he’d been plenty smart to begin with. This is how I met Blaze as well, my phoenix friend. Blaze looked like a cross between a parrot and an emu, if emus wore bronze armor and communicated telepathically. He lived in a nest at the back of our property that he’d made out of Christmas lights, sticks, and recently, copper electric wire that he’d stolen from somewhere. I didn’t ask.

  Despite my pleasure at seeing Rocko, I had a sudden moment of clarity and realized something important. “The zoo is going to notice the absence of their favorite gorilla, don’t you think? I mean, Shura missing is bad enough, but what are we going to tell people you are, Rocko? We can convince people Shura is a dog, and Blaze is a pony, but a gorilla defies explanation.”

  Rocko’s face dropped, and he stuck out his lower lip, making sad snuffling sounds. I stroked his arm and lifted his chin with my other hand. I hated to see him sad.

  “It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, my big muscled friend, but I don’t know how to keep you a secret.”

  Rocko’s face brightened. He jumped to his feet and hid behind the bush again. It covered his bottom half, and he looked so silly standing still like a rabbit, lips pressed together, eyes squeezed shut, hoping no one would notice that he was a three-hundred pound silverback. I relented. Maybe if you weren’t looking for a gorilla, you wouldn’t see one? I crossed my fingers.

  “Okay, Rocko. You can stay, and Shura,” I said, pointing at the wolf, “you are responsible for him. How did you sneak a gorilla out, anyway?”

  Shura gave me a baleful stare, turned in three circles, settled in a sunny spot, and went to sleep. Blaze covered his face with his wing.

  “Are you laughing?”

  No. No. Not at all. There’s nothing funny at all about a mock sleepover with five girls, a phoenix, a wolf, and a gorilla. I mean, what could go wrong?

  “Arrrghhhh! Fine. Rocko, please see if you can find another hiding spot, and Blaze, don’t hurt yourself laughing at my expense, you back-stabbing bird.” Blaze collapsed to the ground, both wings covering his head, his body shaking with amusement, which made his bronze feathers tinkle like wind chimes.

  I huffed at him and traipsed into the house to tell Nathaniel we needed more food, including meat for the wolf and fruit for the gorilla. Nathaniel’s face remained blank when I told him the new situation. He simply raised his eyebrows, grabbed his keys, and told David to come with him to the grocery store.

  “Stop at the farmers’ market, too. They have lots of greens that gorillas may like.” Nathaniel gave me a thumbs up before he drove off.

  I cupped my jade Buddha in my palms, translating the events of the last hour to him, and his tummy bobbled up and down with glee at my karma. I’d gotten him at a local museum after a small snafu with an imp, a Japanese spirit fox called a kitsune, and the entire Asian collection. It had the upside of being memorable.

  Four girls giggled in my entryway, their parents standing at the door smiling at the sudden freedom to have an adult dinner. Well, Dany and Sammy’s parents were excited. Abby’s mother, Lisa, recently divorced, had bags under her eyes and sighed a lot, giving me a fierce hug that I returned with a silent prayer for strength and healing. I hung on an extra second when my gorilla friend army-crawled across the front yard, unobtrusive as a purple cow among a herd of white sheep.

  Debby’s father, Josh, looked like he hadn’t smiled in the entire three years since his wife’s death. He was too skinny, his eyes drooped with grief, and his shoes were worn thin. I hugged him too, and Nathaniel pulled him aside with a handshake, speaking softly. Nathaniel maneuvered Josh so he didn‘t see our stealthy friend either.

  The girls headed to the backyard to play while it was still light out, and I followed to make sure Blaze was on the case. The phoenix, disguised as a search-and-rescue pony, watched from the corner of the yard. Of course, little girls couldn’t ignore a pony, and they ran toward Blaze, squealing at the top of their lungs, begging to pet the small horse.

  Blaze allowed the petting, and when he thought I wasn’t looking, nudged their hands to continue. Blaze had bronze feathers, hard and sharp as a chef’s knife, but they touched him without a problem. In fact, they commented on how soft he was.

  Magic is a crazy-ass thing.

  I decided I didn’t have to do ten pushups for the curse word since I didn’t say it out loud. Don’t judge me.

  I expected it to happen, but I thought we’d have more time. A car pulled into our driveway, blue and white, siren silent, thank goodness, and out stepped a friend, or at least, someone I considered a friend. How he felt about me was iffy.

  The policeman who stepped out of the car had fresh scars on his face and hands, plus a new set of veneers, due to the incident involving the imp at a museum, who, it turned out, threw flames from his hands. I was almost certain that Bob’s injuries weren’t my fault.

  Mostly. Generally. Sort of?

  “Officer Bob! How good to see you. How are you feeling? Did you see the ball game last night? Glad the Indians won? Couldn’t believe that they rallied after being four down…”

  Bob held up a hand to stop my chatter.

  I slumped, waiting.

  “Mrs. Friedman.”

  “Yes,” I responded, my eyes darting right and left.

  “Do you happen, by any chance, to know where a certain gorilla is?”

  “A certain gorilla? Why, I have no idea. Which gorilla are we discussing?” I swallowed and shifted to my left so Bob wouldn’t see Rocko trying to squeeze under the police car. I flicked my hand in a shooing motion, hoping Rocko would get the hint. If he did, he ignored me, laying on his back, squirming to make his way between the tires.

  Officer Bob rubbed his cheek and quietly counted to ten.

  “Mrs. Friedman, there is only one gorilla, which you well know. Rocko has escaped the zoo.”

  I held my hand to my heart. “Goodness! That’s terrible. How did they miss a silverback gorilla waltzing out the door?”

  “Is that what he did, Mrs. Friedman? Waltz out the door? Because zoo officials are quite concerned and cannot figure out how he left.”

  “I really have no idea.” There. That was the truth. I don’t lie well.

  “Do you have any idea where he is?”

  Rocko had abandoned the car, and I didn’t see where he went, so I could honestly reply, “I do not.”

  Bob rubbed the top of his head and sighed.

  “Mrs. Friedman.”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you have knowledge of any type that might help me find the gorilla?”

  That was a tougher one to answer without fibbing. I hesitated, then I said, “Most times a gorilla will find a forest, or at least a copse of trees. That is their preferred habitat.”

  Bob covered his face with both hands. Uh oh, we were already at face-covering.

  “Jess, do you know where the damn gorilla is? And by the way, the wolf is missing too. Did you take them?”

  He’d never, ever called me by my first name before.

  “I did not take them. As for where they are, I’m not certain, but I will say that both of them are likely to return.”

  “Exactly how can you say that?”

  I reached for anything, anything at all. “Uh, that’s where their food is? I mean, don’t wolves return to their dens, and male gorillas need to eat a lot?” I inwardly grimaced as I thought about how much plant material we’d have to supply Rocko.

  Shura decided that was the moment to sneak around the corner of the house and make silly wolf faces at the annoyed policeman behind his back. I’m afraid my mouth smirked, all of its own.

  “It’s not funny, Mrs. Friedman! I’ve been through a lot with you, and I trust you, but these animals keep disappearing, and you’re the only link.”

  I looked away from the wolf, schooled my face, and answered with sincerity. “I know, Officer Bob. Truly, I know. But, if we are being honest with each other, the animals do what they
want to do. These aren’t normal animals any more. They were affected by their interaction with the were-gorilla and became smarter as a result. I’m not stealing them. If they get out, it’s on their own.”

  “Fine. I’ll inform Captain Morgan.” Officer Bob raised his voice. “And, if any animals would like to return where they belong, that would be deeply appreciated. The zoo is offering fresh termites for the gorilla, and they would like the wolf to know that one of the pack’s females is pregnant for the first time and will need her guidance.”

  “Oh, that’s nice! More wolf pups.”

  “Yes, and the first-time mother needs her alpha female.”

  “Shura,” I said, wincing as soon as the name came out of my mouth.

  Bob peered at me. “What. Did. You. Say?”

  I flapped my hands in the air. “Nothing. I heard somewhere that the alpha female’s name was Shura. Thought you would like to know.”

  Bob moved another step toward me. We were nose-to-nose. “Right. Mrs. Friedman, if you happen to see these missing creatures, would you kindly call the zoo, or me?”

  I rocked on my heels and cleared my throat. “I’ll tell them to go home.”

  “Close enough. Thank you.” Officer Bob turned to leave but stopped to give me a look. “Are you okay, Mrs. Friedman?”

  I escalated to a full Kermit flail. “My daughter is having a mock sleepover. She’s five and has four friends. There is a bounty on my head that already resulted in the kidnapping of that little boy, and I’m still a little freaked out about the moving mannequins, not to mention a mucous demon. K?”

  “There’s a bounty on your head?” Officer Bob’s face turned red. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  This time I could be completely honest. “Because I don’t want you or anyone else getting hurt. This is my fight, and I’ll fight it.”

  Officer Bob softened. “Mrs. Friedman, if you need help, say the word. You know we’ll be there for you.”

  I patted his hand. “I know, but you have enough to deal with responding to normal bad guys. You don’t need paranormal ones too.”