I had no idea what any of that meant, so I said what every mom says in such a situation. “Let’s get something to eat! Bagels and cream cheese in the kitchen.”
“Lox?” asked Josh hopefully.
“Nova, my friend. The good stuff,” I replied. We all piled into the kitchen where the girls were already eating Cheetos.
“Cheetos?” I murmured to Nathaniel.
“If Cheetos are good enough for kindergarten snack, they’re good enough for sleepover breakfast. Don’t judge me. I’m tired.”
I hugged him, equally as fatigued. “I think Cheetos are wonderful for sleepover breakfast,” I said, watching Josh slip a Cheeto into his mouth. “They have all the food groups.” I counted on my fingers. “Preservatives, orange dye number five, salt, and powdered cheese food.”
“The best,” Nathaniel replied, popping one into his mouth.
Cupid snuck up behind me and pulled on my sleeve. He pointed to the door, and I followed him out to the back and sat in a chair on the deck. Cupid sat on my lap, and I petted his wings.
“What now, Cupid?” I asked.
“I need to go. I hate to leave because it’s so much fun here, but…” He cringed.
“What?”
“Oh, Zeus, she’s using all three of my names. Gotta jet.”
Daniel’s body collapsed onto mine, and I cuddled my peaceful, sleeping child to my chest.
“Who’s calling you?” I yelled to the air.
“My mom,” came Cupid’s voice from the distance. “I’ll likely be doing chores for the millennia.”
Couldn’t say I disagreed with Venus’s disciplinary policy, and you had to wonder what a cupid’s middle name was, or his last name for that matter. I put that in the back of my mind for another day.
Daniel rubbed his eyes and smiled up at me. He pointed to his mouth.
“Hungry, kiddo? I know just the thing. Let’s go inside.”
He placed his tiny hand in mind, and we entered through the sliding glass door. Daniel saw his daddy, shuffled over in excitement, but before he allowed himself to be lifted into Nathaniel’s arms, he drew back his right arm, holding out his left, and shot a pretend arrow at his father.
“Gotcha, Daddy!” he crowed.
“You sure did,” his father agreed. I ignored the look Nathaniel sent me. I was certain there were no aftereffects to Cupid possession. Positive. One hundred percent.
My tomahawk returned to my shelf, of its own accord, and when I approached it, it honestly felt like it was snoring. I left it alone. It had done well. I mentally thanked the warrior who had made it.
Buddha reacted to that with a little satisfied hum. I held him in my hands, eye level.
“Buddha. Did I? Did I talk to God?”
One aspect. An angel. Your mind could endure the voice of divinity itself.
“Which angel?”
Buddha’s jade arms moved to his hips, his eyes laughing, his belly bouncing. Does that matter? Are you really going to question the identity of a messenger of the Most Holy?
“Uh. No.” I bit my lip. “Absolutely not.”
Put me back in the window, please. I need to meditate.
“Okay. Here you go.” I settled him in, and as his jade body resumed its natural serenity and stillness, I thought how I needed to do the same. I could use some yoga, a nap, time to reconnect with my soul and find my center, and I would do those things.
Right after I called that witch.
Chapter Fifteen
“You wanted a dome? You should have specified a dome.” The witch smacked her lips as she snarfed down a raspberry cheese pastry she’d snagged off my table without invitation.
“Wasn’t it obvious that I wanted protection on all sides? You couldn’t figure that out on your own?’
Lila shrugged. “You should have stated dome creation as part of the contract. I’m completely in the clear here.”
“My family and friends almost died because of you.”
The witch twirled her fingers around. “La dee dah. Like I care. Besides, a dome costs a lot more.”
“What’s a lot more?”
She looked back and forth, then leaned over and whispered in my ear. I blanched.
“You’re kidding.”
She brushed crumbs off her skirt, dusting her hands with swift back-and-forth motions. “I never kid when it comes to price. Next time, you’ll know, and you’ll have time to get the components together.”
“You’re really creepy, you know that?”
She brightened. “Really? Thanks! I can’t wait to share that with the girls.”
“What girls?”
“My squad. My posse.”
“Who are you, Taylor Swift?”
“My coven, you moron.”
“We have enough witches in town to have a coven?”
Lila sneered at me. “It’s shocking you’re still alive, you’re so stupid. We have three covens in greater Cleveland, Monster Hunter. You really are an idiot, aren’t you?”
“Well, I’m idiot enough to know that if there are three covens, there are other witches I can ask to do my protection spells, and I’m sure they’d do it for less.”
Lila considered this. She rocked back and forth, lips tight, hand to her chin. “I may be willing to negotiate.” She spit this out with the most grudging of tones.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Bitch.” Lila threw out that last word, but I knew I’d won. That made me cheerful, and I hummed, “It’s a bitch girl, and it’s gone too far…” as she walked away, loud enough for her to hear.
Nathaniel overheard me and added, “…say money, but it won’t get you too far, get you too far.”
Then, “Why are were quoting 1977 Hall and Oates?”
“Seemed to fit the occasion.”
I wandered off to see the piskies, who were diving in and out of my iris beds, with a side group trimming my roses.
“Gothskie, how are things?”
“We’re glad to be back. Good morning!” The General wiped dirt from her brow, and I peered at her. Underneath the dark lipstick and eyeliner, she was smiling.
I eyed her with suspicion. “Why are you happy?”
“I like playing with dirt.” Her natural scowl fell back into place. “This better?”
“Much.”
Lowena flew to my shoulder. “Your irises are way too close together, so we are separating the bulbs, except for where Elowen rests. We’ve planted something special there.”
“What is it?”
She smiled, and there was something about that smile that bothered me. Maybe it was the pointy teeth on such a delicate figure. “You’ll see,” she said.
That sounded a bit foreboding, but it was a plant, so how bad could that be?
“Hey, I want to hire one of you, whoever is best with hair.”
“We’re all good with hair.”
“Do you think one of you could come over before school each day and brush and style Devi’s hair?”
Before Lowena could answer, my daughter’s head popped up from behind the deck, where she’d been helping the piskies trim the plants.
“Oh, no. Not having my hair done every day. Don’t even think about it, Mom.”
“When the piskies do it, it doesn’t hurt.”
“Hurts my pride, Mom. Hurts my pride.” She fell to her knees to keep trimming.
Lowena shrugged at me. “Can’t do without consent.”
“She’s five! I’m her mother.”
“Sorry. Five is an adult in piskie years. If she changes her mind, we’ll work something out.” Lowena flew off to join the rest of the piskies.
“Lowena!” I called after her. She turned, foot tapping the air.
“What?”
“Where are the male piskies?”
The hum of piskie wings stopped, and the air was eerily quiet. Every piskie face turned to me, glaring.
I gulped. “Did I say something wrong?”
Lowena’s face was a b
right red. “How rude!”
The piskies abandoned their tasks, dropped whatever they were holding, and without a single word, paraded off, backs stiff. My gardeners left, and I wasn’t sure why.
“I wanted to know…I mean, where do baby piskies come from?”
Lowena zoomed back to me, so angry her wings buzzed louder than ever before. “We will come back because we don’t like to leave a job undone. But do not make the mistake of ever asking that again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend.”
Barely mollified, she turned her back. “Let everyone cool off, and we’ll see you soon. When I talk to them about this, I will account for the fact that you are a human, and thus, too dense to understand. We sometimes forget how unsophisticated you are.”
That was the second time in one day I’d been called stupid. I was getting kinda tired of it.
That evening, I sat on the back porch, relaxing, happy to have lived through the last twenty-four hours, when a swish, swish came from the trees bordering my neighbor to my right. It was on the edge of my hearing, so I concentrated, listing again.
Swish, swish, scrape.
I didn’t have any weapons with me, and Nathaniel, Liam, and the children were inside watching a movie, lights off, so it was full dark. I stood, an inch at a time so I wouldn’t make noise, took two steps to the back glass door. I slid it open an inch, inserted a hand, and held up a finger to Nathaniel in warning. He leapt to his feet as I removed my hand and locked the door after me, pulling the curtains closed. I closed my hand on a sharp shard of kindling that remained on the deck from the winter, but that was all I had. My muscles tensed, and I breathed in and out to calm my beating heart so could hear clearly.
A footstep. Two. I raised my arm, intending to stab with the strip of wood. It wouldn’t kill most things, but it might slow it down.
A heavy breath, followed by a nervous clearing of the throat.
“Mrs. Friedman?”
“Darth?”
The black elf moved closer, and I could just see her shadow against the black of the night. It’s what black elves did best, hide in the shadows. Darth stared downward and moved the grass around with her toe.
“I was wondering if that invitation was still open?”
“To teach you to read?”
“Yeah,” she said, still not looking in my eyes.
“It is, Darth. Come sit.”
I knocked on the glass sliding door and indicated all was clear to a wary Nathaniel, whose nerves had been tested to their limits. I gave him a thumbs up and shot downstairs to the reading shelves, picking out an I Spy Letters book.
Darth was still standing when I returned to the deck, and I realized there was no chair that would fit her. She was all elbows and knees and tail. I pulled a bean bag chair from out of one of the kids’ rooms and sat down to read.
Nathaniel came out to see what was going on. He tapped me on the shoulder and gestured for me to follow him.
“Wait a moment, Darth.”
I entered the kitchen where Nathaniel waited.
“Jess.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a dark elf.”
“I know. Her name is Darth. Remember the dark elf who kidnapped Joseph? That was her older sister, who I killed, of course, so Darth is lonely. Her parents are absentee and sent her on an exchange program to Hell to get her out of their hair, or scales, or whatever it is they have. It didn’t work out, and now the poor kid can’t read. She’s having trouble with street signs. Stupid parents.”
Nathaniel’s head practically swiveled like an owl’s. I thought I may have broken him.
“Nathaniel. You okay?”
“You’re teaching a dark elf to read.”
“Exactly.”
“All righty then. It’s good. It’s insane, but it’s good. What the smell?”
“Oh, that’s her. Dark elves are naturally putrid.”
“You’ll need a scented candle, then.” Nathaniel reached into a cabinet and handed me a lilac scented candle and a book of matches. “Carry on.”
Happy to have a child to help, even if she was a dark elf, I skipped out to the deck and worked on the alphabet with Darth, reading by candlelight. I had a sudden brainstorm and called Liam to join us outside.
Darth shuffled back when she saw the vampire, but Liam asked Darth some questions about her home and her family, putting her at ease.
“You said your parents aren’t home much?”
“They love their work.”
“What do they do?”
“Hunt helpless, furry animals to make clothes and furniture for our species. They’re good at it, I guess, because they keep getting commissions. Jess slaughtered my sister.”
I balked. “Only because she stole a kid out of bed and tried to kill me.”
“Well, it’s always good to understand both sides of the story,” Liam said, gesturing over Darth’s head for me to go back inside.
The two sat together and continued the reading lesson. I could tell they both enjoyed it, and Darth was catching on fast. At one point, Liam clapped his hands together and patted her on the back. Darth wiggled with happiness.
It made me feel smart, and I made a mental note to explore Hooked on Phonics.
Chapter Sixteen
Rocko and Shura indicated they would meet me at the zoo. I still had no idea how they got in and out, but it was for darn sure that I wasn’t bringing a three-hundred-pound silverback in my car, or a wolf for that matter. I didn’t think I could fit them, and even if I could, the Toyota Sienna wouldn’t move with all that weight.
I sat behind the steering wheel for a moment, enjoying the quiet. It had been an odd couple of days, but we were mostly back in the routine, and it should be a lovely afternoon with the kids. I grabbed my water out of the middle cup holder, brought it to my lips, and swigged the oldest apple juice I’d ever tasted. It resembled cider, it had been fermenting in the hot car so long. I dumped the rest of it out the window and made sure to look this time. My water was cold and lovely and didn’t taste like ass.
Sigh. Ten pushups. While I was waiting for the others, I hopped out of the car, dropped, and did ten. Then, for insurance, I did another twenty. I’m sure I owed the Almighty a few extra, and it didn’t hurt to be an overachiever in this category.
The peace and quiet broke in an explosion of kid craziness. These children, all three of mine, plus James and Jack, Daniel’s best friends, were spider monkey/pony hybrids, all growing legs with arms that swung every which way in a never-ending blur of motion, not to mention the chatter.
I popped two ibuprofen and handed another two, with my water, to Angie, my best friend and James’s and Jack’s mom.
“No girls today,” she said, tossing her head back to swallow the pills. They’re at a babysitter’s house.”
I shivered at the word “babysitter.”
“Friedman bus on the move!” I announced, and off we went. It would be a swift twenty-minute ride.
It was indeed twenty minutes, but it felt like an hour.
“Mom! James hit me!” bellowed Jack.
“No, I didn’t!” James yelled back.
“Stop bumping into me!” David complained, punching his buddy on the arm.
“Mrs. Friedman! David punched me!”
“Mom! The boys are kicking the back of my chair,” Devi screamed. “Make them stop.”
Daniel cooed peacefully, drinking a sippy cup of orange juice. My angel.
“Mom! I’m hungry. Do we have any snacks?”
“We just left the house, Devi, how could you already be hungry?”
I saw Devi shrug in the rear-view mirror. “I dunno.”
“Snacks are in the bag.”
I heard the zipper open, and she grabbed a bag of something and munched away. The boys kicked her chair until she passed the bag to them and they stuffed their mouths with whatever they found there. I had slipped in a few things, apple slices with cinnamon, for example. Cherry t
omatoes, string cheese, healthy stuff I thought they might eat. I was turning a new nutritional leaf after Cheetos sleepover breakfast. I got a quick look at Daniel making a grabby-grab motion with his hand.
“Give your brother something, Devi.”
“Ooohwight.” Her mouth was full of whatever she’d gotten. I imagined it was the tomatoes. I mean, what else could fill your mouth so fully? I was proud of myself for the healthful direction our life was taking.
Angie had added some items for her kids, but I didn’t know what. I turned to ask her and saw that she was fast asleep, head lolling to the side.
Moms. We can sleep anywhere.
We finally got the zoo parking lot, and I nudged Angie awake. “Rise and shine. We’re here.”
“What! What I’d miss? Is everything okay?”
“Shh. Relax. We’re fine, at the zoo, is all.”
She rubbed her eyes and nodded at me.
I undid my seatbelt and pulled the side door open. Daniel reached out to me, and I undid his harness, grabbed him around the waist, and only then…only then did I notice the chocolate.
His face and hands were covered in it, and by then he’d rubbed his hands on my light pink t-shirt. Confused, I put him on the ground behind me.
Devi and the three boys were equally chocolified, and Devi had some in her hair.
“Where did this chocolate come from?” I asked. “I packed healthy snacks.”
“Yeah, they were gross,” replied James.
“You mean these, Mommy?” David asked, picking up a smashed bag of cherry tomatoes from the floor. The plastic bag had split open, and there was smashed tomato on the floor of the car.
Angie spoke up from the front seat, still a little sleepy. “Oh, yeah, I packed Hershey kisses. Hope you don’t mind.”
“They were awesome, Mom,” said Jack. “Thanks for bringing them. They were nice and melty from the heat and…”
He didn’t get another word out because Angie popped fully awake, jumped out of the car, and opened the other door.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake!”
Luckily, always prepared, we had wet naps. We did the best we could on the faces, hands, arms, and legs, leaving the clothes for the washing machine. Daniel leaned against my legs the whole time, so I had to brace myself against the car.
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