I Will Love You

by E. L. Todd

  I looked through the peephole and spotted Ander.

  Ander.

  What was he doing here?

  I stared at his face through the hole, unable to believe he was really there.

  What should I do?

  Ander looked right at me like he could see me.

  Not sure what I was doing, I opened the door.

  Ander stared at me while his hands were in his pockets.

  I stared back.

  “Hey.” His voice wasn’t strong as it normally was.

  “Hi…” Mine was even weaker.

  He swayed slightly on the spot like he didn’t know what to do or say.

  “Why are you here?” I asked bluntly.

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “We talked a lot a few weeks ago. There isn’t much more to say.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck, just like he used to when we were together. “Actually, I do have more to say. Can I come in?”

  That was a terrible idea. “No.” I said it harsher than I meant. “I mean, let’s go somewhere else.” Roland would flip out if I had an ex alone in my apartment. It would look bad and I wouldn’t have a good way of explaining it.

  “Okay,” he said. “A drink?”

  “That’s fine.” I didn’t think it was a good idea to spend time with him but I knew he would come back again if I rejected him. He already came back once. What if he came by when Roland was here? That would be a disaster. I grabbed my wallet and keys and we walked out together.

  We made small talk on the way to the bar. He asked me about work and I asked him the same questions. It was extremely awkward. It felt like we were just talking because the silence was too uncomfortable.

  We finally grabbed our drinks then sat in a secluded booth. He was across from me but that was still too close. I was aware of his broad shoulders and the way his eyes shined when he was nervous. They were the same as before.

  Ander held his drink but didn’t bring it to his lips. His fingers made smudges where the condensation once was. He would look down at the glass then look at me. Then he would look down again.

  I didn’t say anything because he was the one who requested the meeting.

  Finally, he spoke. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  My hands felt cold and clammy.

  “I was thinking about you before I ran into you but then when I saw you…I couldn’t get you out of my head. I just needed to see you.”

  Now I felt the condensation under my fingers.

  “Do you ever think about me?” he asked, his voice slightly hopeful.

  “Sometimes,” I said honestly.

  “And what way do you think about me?”

  “The way I moved here for you. How great we were together. And how it ended…”

  “Do you miss me sometimes?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I’m not really sure.”

  “Do you think about me when you’re with him?”

  I assumed he meant Roland. “No.”

  “Are you happy with him?”

  Not at the moment. “Yeah.”

  “So, I don’t have a chance, right?” It sounded like he wanted that to be true. “Because if you make it clear you’re in love and happy with him, maybe I can let you go. Maybe I can move on for good. So, hurt me, Heath.”

  “I’m not a cheater,” I said simply. “Never have been and never will be.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he said. “Does he give you everything you deserve? Does his family treat you like you’re one of their own?”

  His family had no idea what I meant to him. “He’s a good guy.”

  “That didn’t answer my question.”

  I sighed in irritation. Ander wasn’t some stranger. He knew me well, even after all this time. He understood when I was upset and when I was hiding something. “We’re struggling right now but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him and I don’t want to make it work.”

  “Oh.” He nodded but there seemed to be a glint of hope in his eyes. “What’s the problem?”

  “I’d rather not say.”

  “You’re right,” he said quickly. “It’s none of my business. But if he’s cheated you shouldn’t be with him. You’re too good for that.”

  Looking at him was too intimate so I kept my gaze averted. When I looked into those eyes I thought about the nights where we pushed the furniture against the walls and danced in the living room. I thought about the way our bodies combined together in the heat of passion. I thought of a lot of things that should remain in the past. “He didn’t cheat.”

  “And I know you didn’t…”

  “Every relationship has its bumps in the road.”

  “Yeah…I know how that is. But are you happy with him?”

  I rested my hands on the table. “I hate cheating, but I hate it when someone tries to break up a couple more. It’s disrespectful and wrong. If you love me, you would want me to be happy. We broke up because of you, not me.”

  He gave me a wounded look. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. But it doesn’t seem like you’re really happy, Heath. Every time you talk about him it’s in a disappointed way. Your eyes don’t light up in excitement like they usually do. I know you better than that.”

  “I am happy. But like I said, we’ve hit a rough patch.”

  “What kind of rough patch?”

  “What does it matter?” I said darkly. “I would never be with you again anyway. You hurt me for too long and I won’t put myself through that again.”

  He lowered his gaze in shame. “I know…I’m sorry.”

  “Then you know you’re wasting your time on me.”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and how it ended…I’ve come to realize that you were right, like always. Instead of hiding whom I was to my family and friends I should have been honest. Losing you wasn’t worth keeping them. I wish I could have a do-over.”

  I turned to him, intrigued by his words. “What are you saying?”

  He took a deep breath. “That if you gave me another chance I would tell everyone the truth. I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.”

  I processed his words without really understanding them. I wanted to hear them for so long, dreamt that he would call me and tell me he’d changed his mind. Now he said it but it meant nothing. “Why didn’t you tell me this then? Or why won’t Roland tell his family now?”

  My last words caught his attention. “That’s his name?”

  “Yes.”

  “And he hasn’t told his family?”

  “Yes.” I hated admitting that last part.

  “Well, that’s hypocritical…” He leaned back in the booth and became angry. “You leave me for not coming out but you stick around for him?”

  “It’s not the same thing,” I said quickly. “He’s recently discovered his sexuality and he’s still dealing with it.”

  “Well, I’m still dealing with it, even now,” he argued. “Why are you putting up with this? You leave me and move onto a confused newbie?”

  “He’s not confused,” I said calmly. “His dad is a bit famous and he’s worried how he’ll react.”

  “Sounds like he’s just making excuses.”

  I was running out of defenses for Roland. “He’ll tell them. I’m not sure when but he will.”

  “I said the same thing forever and I never did it.”

  I gave him a cold look. “Then why should I believe you now?”

  “Because I know you’ll leave if I don’t. I have to do it. And I should do it anyway…”

  I looked away.

  “This guy is a boy in a man’s game, Heath. You deserve to be happy. I have everything together now and I’m ready for a serious commitment. Let’s get married. Let’s have kids.”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. The love of my life wanted me back and wanted to give me everything I wanted. And now the man I loved wouldn’t give me anything. It was
disconcerting and I was starting to get a headache. “We don’t even know each other.”

  “Then let’s get to know each other,” he said. “We’re still the same people. And we can find the same relationship.”

  Now I felt guilty for sitting across from Ander. I felt bad for having this conversation. I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong, betraying Roland in a way. I hadn’t done anything physical but the fact I was tempted made me a horrible person. “I have to go…” I slid out of the booth.

  “Whoa, hold on.” Ander came after me. “I didn’t mean to scare you off. Let’s back up.”

  “I have a boyfriend,” I said. “I shouldn’t be out with you.”

  “You aren’t doing anything wrong,” he said. “You aren’t happy with him and I’m willing to offer you things he’s not. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  I still felt like shit. “Leave me alone, Ander.”

  “Just think about my offer.”

  “No.”

  “It’s always on the table.” He followed me out of the bar.

  “I can’t do this right now.” I kept trying to get away from him.

  Ander grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him. “Don’t settle for someone—not again. Heath, we have the chance to be happy, to have everything we’ve always wanted. Don’t stay with him. Be with me. I love you…”

  I couldn’t look at the emotion in his eyes. It was too much. “I…I have to go.”

  Ander stopped chasing me and let me go. “Call me.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Roland

  I was sitting on the couch playing a video game when Heath walked into my apartment. “Hey,” I said over my shoulder.

  “Hey.” He seemed down.

  I paused the game then gave him my full attention. “How’s it going?” I stood up then kissed him.

  “Good.” He didn’t sound good at all. “You?”

  “Great. I’m already at level fifty for the game.”

  “Score,” he said. He sat down on the couch.

  I sat beside him.

  “How’s Skye?”

  “She’s good,” I said. “She’s still not back at work. But I’m pretty sure my parents are driving her crazy. They are with her all day.”

  “Yeah, that’s a lot of attention…”

  “I would like it at first but it would get old after awhile. I went over there last week and…” I remembered seeing Cayson and Skye going at it. “I’ll make sure I knock next time.”

  Heath chuckled. “That’d be smart.”

  “Oh, guess what?” I leaned back and put my hand on his thigh.

  “What?”

  “Slade is throwing Trinity a bridal shower.” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. It was too hilarious.

  “Why is he doing that…?” Heath clearly didn’t understand it.

  “Because Skye is handicapped,” I said. “But…it’s still pretty weird.”

  He chuckled before he smiled. “It’s actually really sweet. Slade doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would want to do that.”

  “I’m going just because I know it’s going to be hilarious.”

  “Isn’t it only for women?” Heath asked.

  “Well, Slade is going to be there.”

  “At least you’ll get some free food.” He rested his elbow on the armrest. “You can keep playing.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I put the controller on the table. I knew it was stupid to play video games in front of girls so it shouldn’t be any different in front of my boyfriend. I didn’t want him to think I was ignoring him.

  “So, what’s new?” Heath asked.

  I moved closer to him on the couch. “Nothing really.”

  “You finished the issue?”

  “Yeah, I worked until midnight last night.” I rubbed my temple when I thought about it.

  “I figured that was why you didn’t come by last night.”

  “I was exhausted,” I said. “I didn’t even change out of my clothes before I collapsed on the bed.”

  “I went to bed early like an old man,” he said with a light chuckle.

  “Jealous…”

  Heath was quiet for a long time. He was tense, not like his usual self.

  “Everything alright?” I asked.

  “Yeah…” He wouldn’t look at me.

  Something was definitely wrong. “What’s on your mind?”

  He rested one arm over the back of the couch. “I think it’s the best time to tell your parents the truth.” He didn’t look at me as he said it, and judging the tone in his voice he knew this would provoke a fight.

  “The best time?” Was that a joke? “My sister almost died a few weeks ago. And you think now is the best time to drop this bomb on my parents?”

  “Hear me out before you scream,” he said calmly.

  “I’ll try,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “Your dad almost lost a daughter. He was terrified. You really think he would even consider letting go of his son after a tragedy like that? He wouldn’t. If you want something that’s almost guaranteed to go well, now is the time.”

  I couldn’t believe him. He was being so selfish. “That’s all you care about?” I jumped to my feet because I was so mad. “I almost lost my sister and all you care about is me telling everyone I’m gay?”

  “Something is always going to come up.” He kept his voice low and that irritated me more. “It will always be something. It’ll never be the right time. Just get it over with.”

  “My. Sister. Almost. Died.”

  He sighed and covered his face with his hands for a moment. Then he lowered them. “I care about Skye just as much as you. She’s like a sister to me. But I know it would make her really happy if you just told your parents the truth.”

  “You’re a fucking asshole.” I paced the living room, unable to contain how pissed off I was.

  He was on his feet, and his shoulders were tense. I hit his trigger. “I had to stand by and watch you cry and I was helpless to comfort you. All I could do was stand there and stare. And you think I didn’t want to be held? You think your sister isn’t important to me? I’m tired of having to act differently around people I should be comfortable with. It’s not about you telling them you’re gay. It’s about living your life the way you want to live it.”

  I was fed up with this. “Heath, this shit needs to stop. You’re obsessed.”

  He was struggling to remain calm. His arms were starting to shake. “I’m just asking for a relationship. I’ve been a secret for a damn year and I’m tired of it. You keep saying you’re going to tell them but you keep pulling excuses out of your ass.”

  “Excuses?” I asked. “My cousin getting married and my sister being shot aren’t excuses!”

  “Just tell them, Roland. Just get it over with.”

  “Go to hell.” I shook my head and looked away from him. “I told two of the people I’m closest to. That should be enough for now. But you keep pushing me, Heath. You pushed me when my uncle got into a car accident and now you’re pushing me again. This year has been pretty damn difficult for me and you don’t even give a shit. All you care about is how my life affects you.” I wanted to punch my fist through the wall. I wanted to demolish my entire apartment because I was so pissed off.

  “I’m not asking for much, Roland. Just your parents.”

  I slammed a lamp into the hardwood floor. Then I grabbed my jacket and stormed out of my own apartment. I didn’t want to look at him. If I did, I was afraid I would hit him—and hit him hard.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Trinity

  “I can’t believe Slade is hosting your shower.” She shook her head then looked out the window. “This is going to be hilarious.”

  “Why do you think I’m here?” Conrad asked from the backseat.

  “I’m recording it,” Cayson said.

  I sighed. “You guys, it’s really sweet. Don’t make fun of him.”

  “We have to,” Conrad said. “
It’s a blood oath.”

  I pulled over to the side of the road before we arrived.

  “What are you doing?” Skye asked.

  “I’m not going in there if you guys are going to record Slade and torture him later,” I said firmly. “He’s doing something incredibly sweet and doesn’t deserve to be teased for it. Unless you guys promise to behave yourselves then none of us are going.”

  I saw Conrad and Cayson exchange a look in my rearview mirror.

  “Fine,” Conrad said first. “We’ll leave him alone.”

  “Thank you.” I pulled back onto the road then arrived at the house. There were cars backed up for days. I found a spot then we made our way inside. Judging the fact the house was empty, the shower was on the back terrace. We made our way to the back door and saw the round tables outside.

  Every table had a yellow tablecloth with a vase of lilies. Pink balloons hung around the outside of the circle, and tables with snacks and drinks were along the sides. And on a large table sat too many presents for me to even count.

  “Wow,” Skye said. “Damn, this place looks nice.” Her arm was in a sling but it matched the color of her dress.

  “Slade is so fucking gay,” Conrad said. “He designed this?”

  I nudged him in the side. “Don’t say that again.”

  He pressed his lips closed.

  “I’m actually impressed, “ Cayson said as he looked around.

  I spotted Slade talking to a table of older women. It looked like my grandma and some of her friends. He seemed to be sweet-talking them because they kept laughing at everything he said. One woman touched him on the arm. He was wearing black slacks instead of jeans, and he wore a blue collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I hadn’t seen him dress that nice in a long time.

  Grandma Preston held his hand then laughed loudly.

  “I guess Slade is down with old women,” Conrad noted.

  Mom spotted me and came to my side. “You look so pretty.” She hugged me tightly then touched my hair. “You’re just in time for all the fun.”

  “Mom, this place looks so nice.”

  “Slade has the right touch, doesn’t he?”

  “He did all of this?”

  She shrugged. “He’s a natural. What can I say?”