Apathetic God

by Ian Withrow

  Valerie still looked sour as Allison reached out and patted her arm with amusement.

  “I’ve had suspicions for years, actually. I’ve expected this since her, ah, special friendship in high school. Besides, her happiness was always far more important than who she chose to love. I’ve been… less than great at showing it, I’m afraid, but I will always choose to love my daughter. No matter what.”

  Lauren was speechless. A huge burden was lifted from her heart, a weight she’d not realized she was still carrying. Her elation was ruined by Valerie’s obviously mixed feelings.

  “Excuse me a moment.”

  Valerie extricated herself and walked into the next room, leaving the Corvidaes baffled.

  “Hey, what the hell?”

  Lauren’s call went unanswered.

  “Lauren I’m sorry, was it something I said?”

  She shook her head at her mom and headed for the next room. Before she could reach the doorway Valerie reappeared. She plastered herself to the wall in fright.

  “There’s someone here. Oh my God what if I was followed? I’m so sorry!”

  Sure enough a loud firm knock sounded on the front door a split second later.

  “I-t’s ok, uh just wait here. I’ll distract them, tell them to go away. Just, just wait… ok?”

  Lauren could tell that Allison knew she wouldn't stay, and she didn’t have the nerve to lie to her. She softly shook her head instead.

  “Mom I… can’t. I can’t stay here, no one can know.”

  Allison’s shoulders drooped.

  “I love you Lauren. Please, give me a chance to do better. To be better.”

  Lauren shook her head, leaned forward and gave Allison a kiss on the forehead.

  “I forgive you, mom.”

  She choked on the word, but the resumed pounding on the door drowned the sound out.

  “I’m coming!”

  With one last look, Allison slipped away into the living room. Valerie and Lauren heard the door open and an exchange of pleasantries. Lauren breathed a little easier when her powerful hearing picked out the voices of the hikers she’d run across in the woods.

  “Come on, we’re getting out of here.”

  She held a hand out to Valerie, who looked on the verge of tears again.

  “Hey, are you… ok?”

  Lauren was whispering, but even so she was terrified that they might be caught. Valerie nodded and took Lauren’s hand, allowing herself to be led out the back of the house and into the rain.

  “Hold on tight[1], ok?”

  “What?”

  She didn’t give Valerie a chance to object, scooping her up easily in her arms instead. Lauren planted a quick kiss on Valerie’s cheek and leapt skyward. She drove her wings hard and fast, propelling them up into the clouds in a matter of moments.

  She hoped they’d avoided notice.

  Valerie let out a terrified half-scream and clung to her savior tightly. Both of her eyes were screwed shut and her face was buried in Lauren’s neck. Her welcome warmth flooded Lauren with a heady mixture of emotion and desire.

  “Hey, hey it’s ok I’ve got you.”

  “Lauren, d-d-don’t drop me! Are you sure this is ok? We’re not too far up right?”

  She couldn't help it, Lauren laughed and squeezed Valerie a little tighter. Lauren was quite sure she could have carried Valerie for days and not broken a sweat. Her new strength was nearly as intoxicating as the smells of cinnamon and lavender in Valerie’s hair. Her frustration with Valerie washed away as they soared through the sky.

  “Open your eyes, it gets better.”

  Valerie shook her head no and redoubled her grip.

  “Don’t worry. I won’t let go.”

  Valerie cracked an eye open. As she caught a glimpse of the ground a few thousand feet below her eyes snapped wide. A moment of stark terror yielded to hushed amazement.

  “Oh God, Lauren it’s beautiful... “

  They flew in comfortable silence, the only sounds their shared heartbeats and the roar of the wind, which made normal conversation difficult. They were getting close when Lauren noticed that Valerie was shivering fiercely.

  “You ok?”

  “Mhmm.”

  Valerie nodded sleepily, but when she unburied her head to do so Lauren noticed that her lips were a deep purplish blue. On closer inspection, so were her fingers. The rest of her exposed skin was pale and cool.

  “Valerie? Valerie!”

  “S’cold…”

  Lauren dipped into a steep dive. How could she have been so stupid, of course it was nearly freezing up here. Every soaking wet wisp of cloud that she passed through had her kicking herself.

  Finally, the girls were soaring just above the treetops, the temperature at least 20 degrees warmer.

  “We’re ok, you’re ok. Almost there.”

  She repeated her reassuring mantra, juicing Valerie with healing energy as well.

  The last few minutes of their flight were hell on Lauren’s nerves. At last though, they touched down in the field behind Cherry Hills. Lauren came to a jogging stop right outside the door and shoved it none-too-gently open.

  “Caroline? Caroline it’s me, can you put some tea on please?”

  “Mmm I’li tea...”

  “I know baby, we’re gonna get you some ok?”

  Lauren went directly to Caroline’s room and set her soaked companion on the thick bedspread. A moment later Caroline appeared, concern etched on her face.

  “Lauren? Oh! Who is… well it’s none of my business I suppose. I’ve got the kettle on, let me get you some towels.”

  Caroline’s discretion was much appreciated and Lauren was grateful when she returned with a stack of dry fluffy towels. Caroline [2]slipped back out of the room after giving the pair of them a meaningful look and a wry smile.

  “Hey dear, we uh, we gotta get you out of these wet clothes ok?”

  Valerie was sleepily mumbling something, but Lauren’ couldn't catch what it was. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves.

  You’re just making sure she doesn’t catch a cold. This is fine, everything is fine.

  Lauren let out the breath and pulled Valerie to the edge of the bed. In her semi-conscious state Valerie was incredibly cooperative as Lauren peeled off her khakis.

  “Tha’s th’spirit. C’mere.”

  Valerie reached up, lips puckered as her head emerged from her polo when Lauren finished stripping it off of her. Lauren narrowly avoided her grasping hands. Putting a firm hand on her collarbone, Lauren pushed her back down on the bed.

  “You’re uh, not quite right in the head right now baby. Just lay back and rest ok?”

  Lauren’s cheeks burned as she put the dripping wet clothing in a small pile at the end of the bed. The garments were not only soaked, they were ice cold from the altitude.

  She took a pause to clear her head and turned back to Valerie with a towel in hand. She carefully laid the towel across Valerie’s midsection, covering her from her bust down past her hips.

  Now the challenging part.

  Lauren reached behind the towel, grabbing hold of Valerie’s underwear and sliding it quickly down her legs, carefully avoiding lingering anywhere she shouldn’t and being certain to keep her eyes averted lest something slip.

  After a similar encounter with Valerie’s bra, Lauren wrapped her up more thoroughly in towels and tucked her under the large comforter. Valerie’s resistance crumbled almost immediately and within a few minutes she was sound asleep and snoring softly. Lauren sat beside her, careful not to disturb her slumber.

  “She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?”

  Lauren started and turned, Caroline was standing in the doorway with two steaming mugs of chamomile. Lauren smiled so wide it hurt her face, and turned back to Valerie when she answered.

  “Yes. Yes, she is very beautiful.”

  Lauren tucked an errant strand of Valerie’s hair behind her ear, her finger hovering just a moment on her slowly warm
ing cheek.

  “I’m sure she will be fine, not only because of your powers either. When I was a young girl living in Nebraska I got hypothermia much worse than this and I’m happy to report that I made a full recovery. I was, however, delirious for hours.”

  Valerie chose that moment to softly mumble something about unicorns.

  “It certainly does make for an amusing story afterward though.”

  Lauren breathed a little easier. Hearing Caroline so relaxed about the situation eased the tension in her shoulders and let her relax as well.

  “You know, Lauren, invincible and unshakeable as you may be, if you continue to sit on that bedspread with soaked clothes you will be sleeping in wet blankets.”

  “Shit!”

  Lauren leapt up and looked down at her sopping sundress - and the wet splotch on the bed where she’d been sitting.

  “Ugh, dammit all.”

  I guess that will be my side of the bed.

  Lauren blushed, catching herself in the assumption that they would be sleeping together. Of course, she reminded herself, Caroline had made the same assumption. She knew it was too early for that, that the pair had a lot of ground to cover.

  “I’m gonna grab a shower, can you please let me know if she wakes up?”

  “Of course.”

  Even with her doubts, Lauren’s steps were lighter and she couldn’t help but smile as she headed for the bathroom.

  Unsure of how long she might take to recover, Lauren lingered longer than she needed to in the hot steam of her shower. She took the opportunity to contemplate exactly what it was she hoped to hear from Valerie, how her feelings for her had changed.

  And which had stayed the same.

  Lauren was wrapped in a towel, softly brushing and straightening her feathers with her long delicate fingers when she heard a soft tap at the door.

  “My lady?”

  Ah, Caroline. Lauren wondered at the tiny flutter of disappointment in her heart.

  “Come in.”

  “Ma’am, your guest is awake. I’ve given her some tea and she seems to be feeling much better. She would like to see you, I imagine.”

  Lauren beamed back at her host, nearly forgetting to reply out loud.

  “Great!”

  “I thought you might need this, since I didn’t see you grab anything when you came in.”

  Caroline presented a short purple dress. Strapless, and extending just past Lauren’s knees, the dress added a raven-like luster to Lauren’s dark, shiny wings. She turned a few times in the mirror, tousling her hair this way and that.

  Ok, you got this. Casual. Be casual.

  Caroline gave her a conspiratorial wink and excused herself. Lauren turned back to the mirror, smoothing non-existent wrinkles and lamenting the paleness of her complexion. She gave the bust of her dress a little shove, adding volume in just the right places, and carefully avoided admitting to herself why she’d done so.

  Really though, the only thing Lauren was accomplishing was delaying the inevitable. Finally she peeled her eyes off the mirror and forced herself to take several deep breaths and head back to the bedroom.

  Valerie was sitting up. She had a borrowed tank top on, and her lower half was still wrapped in a nest of blankets. In her hands she held a steaming mug that she was presently blowing on softly. She froze upon seeing Lauren in her dress, her wide, hungry eyes making Lauren blush.

  “Lauren!”

  She could feel the hesitation in her voice. Valerie’s uncertainty resonated within Lauren and she was suddenly unsure. Unsure of how she felt, how she should feel.

  And what she should say.

  Here at last they were alone together once more and rather than clear, her mind was muddy and confused.

  “Lauren I… I owe you an apology for how I acted at your house. That was very unfair of me.”

  Lauren grasped the life preserver of Valerie’s topic and clung to it.

  “It’s… ok. You seemed really upset though and honestly, I guess I thought you would be happy?”

  Valerie’s face crumpled in sadness.

  “Lauren I am happy, I’m happy for you. It’s just…”

  Valerie broke eye contact and wouldn't meet Lauren’s gaze, so she walked over and joined her companion on the bed, sitting cross-legged next to her.

  “Just what? I’m here, you can talk to me.”

  “It wasn’t that easy for all of us! We didn’t… we didn’t all get hugs and ‘I love you’ and acceptance.”

  “Oh.”

  Valerie was sobbing softly as a deep and hidden wound was laid bare. Lauren felt like an ass, her memories at Valerie’s house made much more sense now. What was it she had said?

  “St. Agnes. My family is very religious.”

  Lauren wrapped Valerie in a hug, letting her cry against her shoulder and wrapping her wings protectively around them both.

  “So your family, they didn’t...?”

  “Want anything to do with me.”

  “I’m so sorry, Valerie.”

  “I told my mother in the hospital, I wanted her to know before she… left. She got sick when we were still young, Colin and I, but she hid it until I was nearly done with finishing school. Colin was in his last year at Hamilton’s when we really realized how bad it was. I brought my camera with me, I wanted to capture the beauty of the moment. I was sure it would be beautiful...”

  Valerie’s voice took on a razor edge.

  “So, I told her. My father and brother as well. My father had a meltdown, chased me out of the hospital before I could say goodbye, before I even heard her response at all. I had to take a bus home from the city, and when I got there the house was locked. I must have beat on that door for hours before I gave up.”

  “He locked you out of your own house?”

  “He made no bones about it, he had no daughter. Certainly not some queer girl.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “That first night I slept on Sir Warvington’s porch. He found me about five in the morning when he headed over to our place. He fixed me breakfast, made sure I had a bed, and dried my tears. I think it was the only day he missed work in all the years of my life.”

  She let out an unexpected laugh.

  “He met my father that day in the driveway of our home, with me tucked away in the backseat of his old car. He screamed at my father so loud it scared the birds out of the field. Split his lip as well, and swore he’d never set foot at the Chatwick estate so long as his Vee wasn’t welcome there.”

  Lauren thought of the kind old man she’d met outside London. It was hard to imagine him in a fight of any kind, let alone with someone half his age.

  “And he was true to his word.”

  Her face fell again.

  “Three days I spent with Sir Warvington. I had a place to sleep, but I was homeless. My mother was dead, and I was dead to the only family I knew. The only reason I knew about the funeral at all is because it was in the paper. Word gets around in a small town, after all. Sir Warvington and I showed up to this…. hideous silence. I remember everything was black. The clothes, the veil, the casket…”

  Valerie’s gaze lengthened into a thousand yard stare. Her volume dropped and her tone flattened as Lauren listened.

  “I... brought my camera with me. I’m not sure why, other than it was the only thing I had with me when I was kicked out… and of course it was my very favorite gift I’d received from her. It seemed like the only thing I had left, really. I remember thinking if I could just get one last photo of her, I’d have something to hold on to. I set up the shot, I was looking through my lens at her. She looked, so beautiful. Like a porcelain doll. But I couldn’t take the shot. I don’t know why. Something held me back. Well, my father fixed that. I didn’t even hear him coming up behind me. He knocked me to the ground, knocked my camera to the ground too. I heard she shutter snap and the next thing I remember my brother had him in a headlock. People were shouting, my uncles were holding Sir Warvington back, C
olin had father on the ground… it was quite unbecoming of a proper British family.”

  Silence.

  Lauren was enraptured. She felt every word of the story, lived and breathed them as though they were her own.

  “What… what happened next?”

  “I grabbed my camera and ran. By the time I could think straight I was a fews miles away, clutching the cracked frame and shattered lens of my most prized possession. The entire roll of film was ruined, of course. All but that frame. Washed out, with burn marks all over it, it’s still the single most important photograph I will ever take, and my greatest regret.”

  Lauren sat with goosebumps on her arms despite the warm air of the bedroom. She considered what she’d heard. Valerie was stronger than she’d ever imagined, and her story also put Lauren’s own life in better perspective.

  They sat in silence once again while Lauren processed internally.

  “Lauren, I never meant to hurt you.”

  Lauren blinked in surprise, the sudden shift giving her a moment’s pause.

  “Deep down I think I know that, but you did.”

  Valerie looked crestfallen.

  “I just… I want to understand why you would tell your boss about us? Why you would tell the world-”

  “Lauren I didn’t! I swear on my life I didn’t! I didn’t know that Reggie had cameras at his dock, and I never suspected he’d release that footage…”

  Ah shit.

  With Valerie cleared of wrongdoing, Lauren was once again the ‘bad guy.’ At least in her own mind. The unfamiliar weight of remorse fell heavy on her shoulders and prompted an uncomfortable realization. When had she stopped caring? It was hard to pinpoint.

  The reality of what she’d done over the past few days felt subdued. She tried to feel guilty for the lives she’d taken, to stir up some semblance of a normal reaction, but she felt only the inky darkness.

  Lurking.

  Waiting.

  Simmering gently beneath the surface of her heart.

  She’d killed people. A lot of people. And Valerie hadn’t even done anything wrong. She was supposed to feel… something, right? So why didn’t she? A deep, unnerving feeling of ‘wrongness’ tried to find purchase in her hardened heart.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”