Apathetic God

by Ian Withrow

  She wrinkled her nose at the unexpected taste. It was tangy yet mild, and not at all unpleasant.

  “Sorry!”

  Valerie wiped her mouth before sheepishly returning to Lauren. She kept a distance between their lips, looking uncomfortable.

  “N-no, no it’s ok it’s not bad just… different I guess?”

  Valerie smiled uncertainly, looking up through her lashes into Lauren’s eyes. One hand was resting gently on Lauren’s stomach, the other propping her head up as she lay beside her.

  “Lauren, I think I love you.”

  Lauren’s eyes widened and her heart slid off the rails. Her mind and body were singing in sync, flooding with endorphins and pushing her to respond. But the darkness inside her hissed like a coiled snake deep in the pit of her stomach. She ignored it, unwilling to let it taint the joy of the moment.

  “I think I love you too, Valerie.”

  The rumble in Lauren’s midsection intensified, culminating in a hard thump against her stomach wall. The impact was easily felt by Valerie, who jumped and pulled her hand back from Lauren’s stomach as though she’d been bitten.

  “W-what the heck was that?”

  Her gaze ping-ponged back and forth between Lauren’s face and her bar stomach. Lauren rested a hand protectively below her belly button, her eyes wide with surprise.

  “Valerie, I uh…”

  There it was, reality coming back to punch her in the chest. Lauren sat up as she broke into tears, clutching her stomach with both hands. Valerie wrapped her in her arms, sending Lauren further into hysterics.

  “Lauren, baby, what is it?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Lauren barely breathed the word, unwilling even to raise her voice to a whisper.

  Valerie stiffened, but didn’t let go.

  “P-preg...nant?”

  Lauren nodded, tears flowing freely from her chin down to the bedspread. She took shelter in Valerie’s arms, clung to them like a drowning woman to a life preserver. She felt suddenly filthy, unclean. The glow of their lovemaking was perverted, consumed by the shame of Weyland’s attentions. She hated herself for thinking of him in this moment, hated him for destroying her even now. She dove into the darkness within, and it embraced her with open arms. Immediately her pain began to cool and grow numb, along with every other sensation.

  Lauren could feel Valerie’s breathing change, her muscles tighten and release, even her heart changed it’s patterns. She held her breath, ready for the hammer to fall. But it never came..

  “Weyland?”

  Lauren flinched at his name, then nodded.

  Valerie tightened her grip, squeezing Lauren in her arms and pressing their foreheads together. Her simple act of comfort and protection was a lifeline for Lauren. She returned the embrace, her shoulders shaking with silent tears.

  “How long have you known?”

  “A week or so, I should have told you…”

  “I’m not sorry.”

  The conviction in her voice gave Lauren pause. She felt her chin lifted by Valerie’s strong hands and found herself staring intently into the blazing emeralds of Valerie’s eyes.

  “I’m not sorry. You shouldn’t be either. This may be your burden to bear, but it doesn’t have to be your burden to bear alone. You did nothing wrong.”

  Lauren broke eye contact.

  “I didn’t ask for.. to... for this. He-”

  She couldn’t finish her sentence, the word stuck in her throat and her eyes burned with shameful tears as comprehension dawned on Valerie’s face.

  Valerie’s voice dropped low and she reached a hand out to Lauren’s shoulder.

  “He... raped you, you mean?”

  Lauren nodded,

  “I don’t know h-how long I was… with him. He had me trapped, dreaming. When I woke up, this… this girl, Natalie, was p-putting burn cream on m-my-”

  Valerie wrapped her in a hug.

  “Hey hey, you’re ok, you’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

  “Sh-she s-said he came for me every morning, I didn’t want to believe it. He t-told me the dream was what I unconsciously wanted-”

  Their bodies shook with the power of Lauren’s sobs. Valerie broke their embrace and held Lauren at arm’s length.

  “Hey! You listen to me! You. Did. Nothing. Wrong. That monster did this to you. To you. You didn’t deserve this, you didn’t do anything that gave him the right to do this. This is his wrong, his crime.”

  Lauren nodded, wiping her eyes and sniffling loudly.

  “Vee, what the hell am I going to do?”

  “Lauren, no one can decide that for you. No one should decide that for you.”

  Valerie was right, Lauren knew, but it did little to warm her heart. The peace and hope that had been building all last night and this morning were chilled by the darkness she’d welcomed back. Her split second of weakness had coated her soul once more with frost.

  Lauren shivered in the cool air. With the flames of passion reduced to embers, the chill of the morning brought goosebumps to her bare shoulders and legs.

  “Come on, let’s get you up! We can’t stay in bed all day, and I will be stunned if Caroline didn’t hear that last uh, tussle, of ours.”

  Lauren groaned, what on earth was she going to say to Caroline? Their climactic morning had been far from silent.

  “Oh god, I can’t. Just leave me here, go on without me.”

  She buried herself in blankets, burrowing into the relative safety of wool and cotton. She felt Valerie's hands in hot pursuit, chasing her feet through across the sheets in an attempt to rouse her from her nest.

  “Lauren! Come on, you’re too strong this isn’t fair!”

  Valerie finally caught hold of Lauren’s left ankle, but she could do nothing to slow her progress through the covers. Lauren had only to evade her a few moments longer when Valerie let go and seemed willing to surrender.

  She poked her face out of the blankets to get a better look at Valerie, but didn’t see her.

  Hmm.

  Lauren pulled her head free and looked around. she spotted Valerie, now standing beside the bed, just in time to see her gather the last of the corners of the blankets together and give them a mighty tug.

  “Hey!”

  But the very cloth she’d sought refuge in was the net within which she was now captured. She struggled to free herself but Valerie was too quick. She dragged Lauren from the bed to the floor where she fell with a loud thump.

  Valerie dropped the blankets and raised her fists in triumph. the action pulled her white tank top up over the waistband of her blue shorts, giving her the appearance of a 1970’s track star.

  A light tapping at the door, accompanied by Caroline’s soft voice, interrupted their mirth.

  “Are we decent, ladies?”

  Valerie looked at Lauren with embarrassment, her hands covering her smile and her cheeks burning.

  “Y-yes, yes ma’am!”

  The door slowly opened and Caroline peeked her head inside. She smiled at the unusual situation within but refrained from comment.

  “Your breakfast was getting rather cold, so I’ve put it in the oven for you when you’re ready.”

  “We’re ready!”

  Lauren’s response was muffled by the blankets she’d nearly escaped.

  “Oh! My first genuine American breakfast!”

  “Well dear it’s nothing fancy. Just grits, eggs, toast, bacon and potatoes and some sausage gravy. Cooking isn’t my strong suit, but I suppose we do alright, don’t we Lauren?”

  Lauren, who was by now standing sheepishly in her dress, crossed her arms to cover her partially exposed bust.

  “Give yourself some credit Caroline, you’re a wonderful cook.”

  Caroline looked over her glasses at the pair, a wry, grandmotherly smile on her lips.

  “Mhmm, well I’ll just pull the food back out and see you at the table shall I? Don’t forget to wash your hands.”

  Caroline ducked back
out of the room to an outburst of giggling from both women.

  Lauren felt lighter already. She looked curiously at Valerie, who noticed her staring and shuffled awkwardly from one foot to the other a moment before blushing and speaking out.

  “What?”

  “Nothing just, how do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Make me feel.”

  “You mean feel better?”

  Right.

  “Yeah, sorry, feel better. How do you do that?”

  Valerie smiled and held a hand out to Lauren.

  “I must have learned it from you love.”

  A few minutes later found the women, still holding hands, stepping into the kitchen. The small wooden dining table, designed for two, was set for three. The extra place setting gave the table an air of abundance and each plate was indeed piled high with food.

  “I hope you’re hungry!”

  They both answered in the affirmative and tucked into their plates of food. The room was fairly quiet while they ate, the sounds of sipped coffee and the clink of forks and knives mixing with birdsong and storms. Seconds, and thirds, later, when the plates were stacked into the sink and the pans and pots put away, Caroline spoke again..

  “So, tell me a little about yourself, Ms. Chatwick.”

  “Ah well, um, there’s not a whole lot that hasn’t been on television lately I’m sure…”

  Caroline quirked an eyebrow as she poured another round of coffee.

  “My dear I don’t believe half the nonsense I see on that wicked little box. Haven’t for years. Not, at least, since they started producing lies and blasphemies against our Sacred Lady.”

  Lauren choked on her coffee as Valerie gave her a very, very surprised look. Her raised eyebrows and wide eyes fell on Lauren’s blushing face just as she buried it in her mug once more.

  “Yes, I can imagine that would make it difficult to follow. I admit I’m a bit confused about the Sacred Lady myself.”

  Caroline took no offense to the surprise in Valerie’s tone, but sat quietly and waited for her guest to continue.

  “I’m a photographer and former journalist at the BBC. I was a global reporter, generally following large humanitarian pieces around the globe. Floods, famine, hurricanes, and then of course Weyland.”

  Caroline made the sign of the cross over her chest.

  “B-but I never spent any time in the States, really. Not very many crises, I suppose. More of the poorer countries and territories… places that couldn't help themselves, if that makes sense.”

  Caroline nodded, took a sip of coffee, and set her mug down.

  “Well, I must tell you, I admire your photography very much.”

  “Y-you’ve seen some of my work?”

  “Oh yes! It’s gotten quite famous as I’m sure you must know by now-”

  “Well I mean, I knew they’d caught on in London, and a few galleries were interested but… honestly most of the value is just because of the subject.”

  Lauren reached her foot out underneath the table and ran it up Valerie’s calf, making her jump.

  “No, no. While I agree that the subject is important I dare say that you have an incredible gift for photography. In fact, I have one of your prints hanging in the chapel right now.”

  “No…”

  “Yes! I do! In fact I was rather hoping you might, ah, sign it for me?”

  Valerie looked surprised and at the same time delighted.

  “Uh, yeah of course! I honestly don’t think anyone has ever asked me that before!”

  Caroline led Valerie from the table with Lauren trailing bemusedly behind them. She felt a spark of her former contentedness. The familiar warmth of a home and a family started to creep back into her heart.

  Valerie had just lifted the canvas down from the wall when Lauren strode through the doorway to the chapel and leaned against the frame, happy just to observe her two friends excitement.

  “... really don’t mind? I know it must be obnoxious of me to ask you, my guest-”

  “Mrs. Adams, it is my distinct pleasure to sign this for you.”

  Lauren’s stomach was full, but she felt the familiar rumble of another hunger within her. Her smile faltered and she felt a bead of sweat form at the base of her neck as the darkness stirred. Wasn’t she experiencing joy and love right now? Why wasn’t the beast within her content?

  Enticed, perhaps, by the lightness of her heart, oily tendrils reached up within her chest and tapped at her heart’s door. So far, she’d subsisted on the lives she’d taken in Chicago. Her stay here in Cherry Hills, and the peace surrounding it, was made possible in no small part because of the stockpile of memories she’d drained unintentionally from the heart of the city.

  But it had been days now since she consumed the last light from within her stolen memories.

  Lauren forced herself to remain calm, ignored the way her arms itched and her mouth watered. She dipped a toe into the haunting remnants of the fallen, searching out the familiar, delicious warmth she’d grown so dependent on. But she felt nothing but icy sadness, crushing anger, and boiling hate.

  The longer she searched the more desperate she became. Lauren scanned frantically through the minds of the dead, lowering her standards from love to simple happiness, debasing herself until even a shred of contentment would do.

  “Lauren? Lauren are you ok?”

  Valerie’s voice, sharp with concern, cut through the fog in her mind. Lauren wanted to respond, to reassure Valerie, but she couldn't break from her hunt. Not until she’d found something, anything.

  There.

  A tiny ember of warmth nestled within the ashy remnants caught her attention. She dove into the glowing coal of light and found herself at a fifth grade talent show. She was watching a little girl, her niece? No. Daughter. Her daughter was playing the violin in the middle of a stage in a half-filled school auditorium. Her host’s chest swelled with pride as the spritely blonde girl flawlessly executed a difficult piece of baroque composition.

  Lauren devoured that pride, cringing internally at the precious recollection she was destroying, but utterly incapable of stopping herself.

  It wasn’t much, but it was enough to trust herself re-engaging the real world. She snapped her eyes open to reveal Valerie and Caroline worriedly examining her. Lauren was covered in cold sweat, her hands cold and clammy against the warmth of Valerie’s palm.

  “Hey, you scared us. What’s wrong? Do you need to lie down?”

  Lauren shook her head no and took a few deep breaths. Her heart was no longer racing, and the monster was back in it’s cage. For now.

  “I’m ok, I think I just need some fresh air.”

  Valerie nodded solemnly and practically dragged her by the hand to the door of the church.

  “Come on, we’ll go for a walk-”

  “No!”

  Valerie looked like she’d been slapped.

  “Wha-why?”

  “Sorry um, I’m just gonna take a lap or two. I don’t want you to catch a chill again, that’s all.”

  “Lauren, I want to be there for you, I want-”

  “Sweetie you’re here for me, I know you are. I’ll be back I promise I just need an hour or so-”

  “An hour! I’m supposed to sit here and worry about you for an hour?”

  Valerie’s indignance would, in any other context, be adorable. Unfortunately, Lauren’s hunger was already clamoring for release once again.

  “Baby please, I need this. I’ll be right back.”

  Lauren left a kiss on Valerie’s cheek as she extricated her hand and leapt into the sky. Lightning illuminated her shadowy form as she rose through the rain. Every downbeat seemed to stir the storm into action and by the time she hit the clouds the rain was coming in sideways.

  Within moments Cherry Hills was a tiny dot in the distance. Like some great hawk Lauren soared above the trees, each of her magnified senses straining, hunting. Lauren headed southeast until she hit the Ohio River
, then followed it’s winding path eastward. The river split a few miles from where she began, and she was unsure where it went from there. She chose the right fork at random, hunger making it difficult to think straight.

  The miserable weather keep the roadways beside the river fairly clear, but even as the mild morning whipped into a torrential storm she could see the occasional vehicle.

  Alone.

  Isolated.

  Vulnerable.

  She shook her head, determined that innocents wouldn't die for her hunger. For her fix. There had to be another way.

  Lauren caught sight of a bus on the horizon below her.

  Then again, she reasoned with herself, was anyone truly innocent?

  Her wings tucked and she plummeted from the sky, a silent arrow of darkness. She pulled her dive high and tight, rocketing through the air and easily outpacing the cumbersome vehicle. Lauren cut into a deep turn, circling her prey.

  KY DEPT OF CORRECTIONS

  Jackpot.

  The darkness inside her roared to life. All doubt and guilt fled and she banked her turn and landed softly, silently, atop the moving vehicle. Lauren raised a hand and brought it crashing down on the metal shell of the bus. Her hand easily pierced the thin metal sheeting and she peeled back a large section of the roof.

  In an instant she was inside, her eyes blinded by hunger and her arms glowing an eldritch silver. Her victims never even had a chance to scream, her power poured through the metal frame and by the time the bus skidded to a halt a few hundred feet down the road, it’s lifeless occupants were nothing but dried husks.

  Fourteen souls to appease the beast.

  Lauren noted the guard uniforms worn by three of the men, but felt nothing. Her muscles flexed and tightened as pure, unfiltered carnal pleasure rebounded through her body. She shivered, not from the cold but from the ecstasy of devouring their lives.

  Her need was sated, but not her desire.

  She had the wherewithal to know she needed to dispose of her kill or risk the safety of her home, so she exited the vehicle the same way she entered. Lauren picked up some altitude, scouting a reasonable location to dump the evidence, and caught sight of a large body of water a few miles distant.