Halfway into the race, I looked out the window and saw a car pull into the driveway. “You expecting someone?”
“No,” he said before leaning his head out to see better. “Shit.”
“What?”
“It’s Farrah and her dumbass boyfriend.”
My pulse sped up as my fight-or-flight mode kicked in. “I thought you said she wasn’t coming home.”
“She told me she wasn’t.”
Damn it.
I’d never in my entire life wished for the power to magically disappear until now. I would’ve left if I’d known this might happen. Standing up from the couch, I braced myself. My heart felt ready to jump out of my chest as the door opened.
Farrah was the first to step inside. When she spotted me, she froze in her tracks.
She glared at Nathan as she spoke to me. “What are you doing here?”
“Nathan needed help fixing his car. I didn’t think you’d be home.”
“Why aren’t you in class?” Nathan asked.
“My professor was sick. They canceled it. Niles met me at school and took me out to lunch.”
When her boyfriend walked in, all of our heads turned toward him in unison. No one said anything. He was tall, with brown hair and a Roman nose—average-looking, at best. No one would ever be good enough for her in my mind, but after what Nathan had said about him, I disliked him before he’d even opened his mouth.
“What’s going on?” he said. Before anyone could answer, he bent to take the last slice of pizza from the box.
What a dick.
Farrah broke the ice. “Niles, this is my brother’s friend, Jace.”
“Hey,” he said with his mouth full. “That your truck parked outside?”
“Yeah.”
“You must love your fuel economy in that thing.” He snorted.
This dude can’t be serious.
I squinted at him, not even dignifying his rude comment with a response. I could immediately see why Nathan hated this guy. Even if he wasn’t condescending, I’d probably hate him no matter what. But now, I really hated him.
Farrah disappeared into the kitchen, but Niles—what a pompous name—decided to stay in the living room.
“So, Nate, have you given any thought to my job offer?”
Nathan and I gave each other the eye. He hated being called Nate. Something told me he’d corrected this douche plenty of times in the past.
“I already told you why I wouldn’t be taking that job.”
“Because you’d rather mooch off the government?”
Whoa. My fists tightened. If I didn’t think it would piss off Farrah, I might’ve actually punched him.
“You know I don’t drink alcohol. Why the fuck would I work in a liquor store?”
“Because you should put aside your weaknesses for a good opportunity. I told you, I could get you a managerial job.”
“And I told you I don’t want one. Why do you keep asking me?”
Farrah returned, looking annoyed. “Stop bugging my brother.”
He spoke with his mouth full again. “I’m only trying to help him.”
Farrah’s eyes locked with mine. The urge to get her alone, to talk to her, to make sure she was okay—especially given this asshole—overwhelmed me. All the things I’d needed to say to her the other day felt like they were choking me.
So, I did something I hoped she would understand, mouthing a message she had once given me. Please.
Farrah blinked. I was crazy for hoping she would entertain it. Several moments of silence passed.
But then…
She turned to her boyfriend. “Niles, I think I’m gonna take a nap before work. I’m not feeling that great.”
“You want me to lie down with you?”
The pizza turned in my stomach.
“No,” she said. “You should go help your grandmother with that thing she called you about anyway.”
Yeah. Go on and help your grandmother, dickhead.
“Okay.” He stood up, dumping his pizza crust in the box. “Have a good night at work, babe.”
When he walked over to give her a kiss, I had to turn away.
Relief washed over me the second the door closed behind him.
Chapter 20
* * *
Farrah
“Jace and I are going to talk.”
Nathan looked between Jace and me like he’d missed something. He had, of course. Because there’d been no conversation, just a secret message he had no clue about.
My brother stood. “Want me to leave? Give you some privacy?”
“No,” I said. “We’ll take a walk.” I looked up at Jace. “Come on.”
He followed me out the door. A gentle breeze blew my hair around as I took a deep breath in, feeling so gosh darn nervous and unprepared to be alone with him.
“Where do you wanna go?” he asked.
Moving some of my hair behind my ear, I said, “Around the block is good.”
We set off down the street.
Jace slipped his hands into his pockets. “Thank you for figuring out what I was asking.”
“Well, you stole my line.” I forced a smile.
“I did.” He grinned, seeming relieved.
As much as I tried to fight my feelings, the physical reaction I had to being next to him was no different than it used to be. Which was exactly why I needed to nip this in the bud.
“Nathan’s not crazy about your boyfriend,” he said. “And now I can see why.”
“Nathan’s not crazy about anyone who takes my attention away from him.”
“I think it’s more than that in this case. But as long as you’re happy.” He searched my eyes. “You are happy, right?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I wasn’t unhappy, but true happiness wasn’t something I’d felt for a very long time. Neither was it something I strived for or expected anymore.
“I’m at peace. Peace is more important to me than happiness. I made a vow to myself after you left that I wouldn’t allow my happiness to depend on other people. It has to come from within. I’m still working on it. But I don’t expect anyone else to make me happy—least of all a man.”
“So, you’re saying that guy doesn’t make you happy, then…”
I sighed. “Niles is not perfect. But he’s what I need right now. It’s easy with him. I don’t want to be with someone who’ll leave me devastated and take my heart and soul when he goes.”
Jace’s breath hitched. “So you’re saying you’re with this guy because you don’t care one way or the other if things work out?”
“It feels safe.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.”
Jace searched my eyes. “Listen, I didn’t ask you to make time for me so I could undermine your decisions. I just want to say what I needed to say to you the other day before my nerves got the best of me.”
I stopped walking. “What is there left to say? Nothing is going to change what happened.”
As we stood face to face, the sun reflected in Jace’s blue eyes. “I just…want you to know that if I could do everything over again, I would’ve stayed. I know that’s not what you want to hear. And it’s too little too late. But I still want to explain myself.” He kicked the ground a bit, looking tormented. “My guilt was off the charts back then. I let it rule my decisions. And of course, I thought Nathan didn’t have the capacity to forgive me. Everything I see now, in retrospect, makes me even more sorry I didn’t follow my heart and stay with you. There was no part of me that wanted to leave. At the time, I felt like I was doing you a favor. I know it’s too late to change the past, but I want you to know how damn sorry I am that I hurt you.”
His eyes were filled with regret. I did believe he was sorry. It just didn’t change anything for me. I could forgive him, but I couldn’t trust him.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I don’t harbor any ill will toward you, Jace.” I rubbed over my arms and gazed out at the street before looking back at hi
m. “But I’ve worked really hard to come out of the darkness I fell into after you left. I was lovesick. The way I overcame that was to train myself not to feel anything. When you practice being numb for long enough, it actually sticks. That’s sort of where I am right now.”
“That breaks my fucking heart,” he said.
“Well, mine broke a long time ago. But whaddya know…I’ve figured out that you don’t actually need one to function.”
Jace shook his head. “Nathan told me how tough things were after his accident. The way you got him through that and managed to land on your feet is commendable. I’m proud of you for that and for enrolling in school, too.”
“There’s nothing commendable about starting college late.” I chuckled. “But thanks.”
Jace exhaled, seeming frustrated. “Farrah, tell me what to do. Tell me what you need from me. Is it to not come around again? I only agreed to come over today because I thought you weren’t going to be here. I don’t want to upset you.”
There was no simple answer to that question, but telling him to stay away wasn’t right.
“I don’t want you to stop being there for Nathan, even if it’s hard for me to see you. My brother needs you. He needs that friendship back.” I paused, thinking back to Nathan’s accident and how I’d thought I was going to lose him. My voice trembled. “He almost died. And as much as you say you’re proud of me, I’m ten times prouder of him. I’ve forgiven him for what he did to me—to us. And I forgive you for leaving, too, okay? But one thing I can’t do is be the girl I was when you left. She’s gone.”
He looked at me for the longest time as he processed my words.
“Fair enough.” He nodded as he looked down at his shoes. “I understand, Farrah. Thank you for saying you forgive me. That means more to me than you realize.”
When he met my eyes again, the intensity of his stare caused me to look away. “You still don’t know how long you’re staying?” I asked.
“I don’t feel ready to go back. My father is not in a good place mentally. He needs my help. Honestly, anything I’d be going back to in Charlotte is more in shambles than what’s here. And that’s saying a lot.”
I had so many questions about that girlfriend of his—about his life over the past few years. “You said your girlfriend…broke up with you?”
“She thinks I have unfinished business here. She says I won’t be able to move on with my life until I’ve settled it. She chose to give me the freedom to do that.”
That made me anxious. What was left to settle? I needed to get out of this conversation. “I’d better get back,” I said. “I’m going to be late for work.”
“Yeah. Of course. I’ve got to get home and check on Dad anyway.”
We walked back to the house in tense silence. When we stopped in front of Jace’s truck, once again he looked deeply into my eyes. I was terrified that he might try to hug me, and I prayed he didn’t, because I didn’t want to feel all of the emotions I knew being touched by him would elicit.
He kept his distance and simply said, “Have a good night at work.”
“Thanks.”
Turning around, I walked to the house without looking back.
Inside, my brother was still sitting on the couch.
“What was that all about?” he asked.
“Nothing you need to be concerned with. Jace and I haven’t seen much of each other since he’s been back. We needed to talk. He mainly wanted to make sure I was okay with his coming around here to see you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him it was fine. I’m not going to stop you guys from rebuilding your friendship. I know how much he meant to you at one time, even if you did single-handedly ruin that relationship.”
A look of genuine sadness crossed Nathan’s face. “Listen…I know how much he meant to you, too. And I fucked that up. I’ve told you countless times how sorry I am about the way I reacted. But watching you today, I realized how much Jace being here is affecting you. If it upsets you, I won’t bring him here anymore.”
My muscles tensed. I didn’t like that Nathan had noticed how affected I was—almost as much as I didn’t like the fact that Jace still had an effect on me at all.
“What’s done is done, Nathan. You rebuilding a friendship with him isn’t going to change anything between him and me.” I’m determined to make sure of it.
“Will you at least promise to be honest with me?” he asked. “I don’t want to fuck anything up for you again. Shit, if you told me today that you wanted to pursue something with Jace, I’d be a hell of a lot happier to see you with him than that asshat you’re dating.”
It surprised me to hear him say that. It also made me a little bitter. Actually, a lot bitter. But I wouldn’t acknowledge it.
Instead, I said, “Can you not call Niles an asshat? I realize he’s not always on the mark, and he certainly doesn’t understand what you’re going through, but he got me out of a dark place. No one’s perfect.”
• • •
Three weeks had passed since my walk with Jace. I hadn’t seen or heard from him, even though I knew he and Nathan had hung out a few times. They’d specifically done so when I was working or otherwise not home—not that I was keeping track, but I’d expected to run into him at least once in all this time.
The hiatus from Jace ended one evening at work. It was a particularly busy night at Mayaka, and we’d had to seat people from different parties together at the same hibachi tables. One minute there was a family with three kids at table ten; the next minute I looked over to find Jace and his dad sitting at the far end next to them. Jace looked extremely out of place, sandwiched tightly between his father and a little girl who was trying to get him to show her how to use chopsticks. Despite my sudden nerves, the sight warmed my heart a little.
Putting on my big-girl panties, I moved my shoulders back and headed over to them.
“Mr. Muldoon, it’s so good to see you.”
“Likewise, gorgeous.” Jace’s dad smiled. “And please call me Phil.”
Jace patted his shoulder. “Pipe down, old man.”
Blowing a breath up into my hair, I asked, “What brings you two here?”
“My son said he was in the mood for some Japanese, but I think he was really just in the mood to look at your pretty face.”
“Jesus…” Jace rolled his eyes. “I can’t take this guy anywhere.”
As much as them being here made me uncomfortable, I had to laugh at how red Jace’s face turned after that comment.
I took the order of the entire table and gave it to the chef, and I appreciated the respite returning to the kitchen provided as I got waters for everyone.
When I returned to the dining area, the chef had begun chopping vegetables and working his usual magic: tossing an egg into the air before it landed on the grill, searing all of the meat and seafood with beautiful precision. Beyond the shooting flames, I could see Jace’s smile, which made my chest ache. His dad was smiling, too, and I was happy to see that. The little girl seemed to be egging the chef on. She volunteered Jace to catch some food in his mouth. Jace complied. After three tries, he finally caught a piece of chicken before lifting his arms in victory as the entire table cheered. Then he high-fived the little girl. My heart fluttered, because I’d never seen Jace interact with a child before. It made me wonder what he’d be like as a father, whether that was even something he wanted. We’d never discussed it. I wondered how close he’d come to getting married to that girlfriend he had back in North Carolina, what might have happened had he not been forced to return here. I shook the thoughts out of my head, reminding myself that these questions were irrelevant. I shouldn’t have been so concerned with the answers.
Although he stole glances in my direction, I didn’t stop to make conversation with Jace and his father. I was glad we were so busy tonight. Eventually, though, the other family at Jace’s table paid their bill and left. Jace and his dad lingered, so I forced myself to go over
there to see if they wanted anything else.
“Can I get you some dessert?”
“My son would definitely like a piece of your pie, but he’s too proud to ask.”
Jace shut his eyes, looking mortified.
I cleared my throat. “You mean apple pie a la mode?”
“Whatever you have.” Phil winked.
“Coming right up.”
In the kitchen, I prepared a piece of pie, putting extra whipped cream on top, remembering that Jace used to eat it straight out of the can when he’d lived with us.
I walked it over to their table and placed it in between them with two forks.
“Hope you enjoy.” I also set their check down. “And no rush. Just wanted to leave this here for whenever you’re ready.”
Before I could escape again, I felt Jace’s hand around my wrist. It sent what felt like shockwaves through my body.
He looked into my eyes. “Thank you.”
Jace released my wrist gently. I nodded, wishing it were the nearby flames that had made me so damn hot. I felt unbalanced as I walked to the other side of the dining room.
After that, I focused so intently on serving another table that I didn’t notice Jace and his father leave. Looking over at their empty seats, I felt a mix of relief and strangely…emptiness. Maybe his departure reminded me of another sudden exit three years ago. Either way, I was better off now that he was gone. I could concentrate on my job.
When I went to their table to retrieve the bill, I noticed Jace had left cash, along with an unreasonably large tip. That didn’t surprise me. But the message written on the receipt did.
You’re so beautiful it hurts.
Chapter 21
* * *
Farrah
Nathan caught me in the kitchen after I came home from class. “What are we doing for Thanksgiving?”
“The usual. You know, I make a turkey, and we order sides from Regina’s. I placed the order a while ago. Then you eat so much dessert that you’re rubbing your stomach for the rest of the night. Why?”
The Crush Page 20