He patted his belly. “Well, I fully intend on keeping up with tradition in that respect, but I was wondering if we had extra room at our table this year?”
I arched my brow. “For who?”
“For Jace and his dad. This is their first Thanksgiving without Faye. Neither of them can cook anything but pancakes. I asked him where they were eating, and he said he was planning on taking his dad to a restaurant. I thought it might be nice if they could have a homecooked meal with us—or at least a homecooked turkey.”
My mind began to whirl. I’d been looking forward to a low-key day of eating my feelings without any added stress. But how could I say no when I knew how difficult this holiday would be for Phil and Jace? Thinking about that brought back memories of my first Thanksgiving without our parents. Nathan had tried to cook a turkey for us and burned it. I’d broken down in tears, and we ended up having McDonald’s because it was the furthest thing from Thanksgiving food. That turned out to be what we both needed—to just forget the holidays altogether that first year.
I didn’t have the heart to say no. “I suppose it would be okay if they joined us.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, obviously you know it’s going to make me a little uncomfortable, but not enough to say no.”
Nathan’s mouth curved into a smile. “You’re the best. Thank you.”
“I won’t even have to order more food from Regina’s. We just won’t have a week of leftovers like normal.”
“You didn’t invite Niles, did you?”
“He’s having the main meal with his parents. They invited us to their house, but I knew you wouldn’t want to go. He’ll come by after dinner for dessert.”
“I guess I can deal with that.”
I smiled and suppressed a sigh. Now I’d just have to deal with this unsettled feeling in my stomach until Thanksgiving was over.
• • •
In the early afternoon on Thanksgiving Day, the doorbell rang. Showtime. I’d have to get my act together and keep it together for approximately three hours, maybe more.
When I opened the door, Jace and his dad were standing behind a gigantic bouquet of yellow and orange flowers.
“Wow. You didn’t have to do that,” I said, taking the arrangement from Jace.
He slipped his hands in his pockets. “Well, I had nothing to offer in the potluck department, so I figured flowers were safe.”
Intentionally avoiding looking Jace in the eyes, I hugged Phil before going to the kitchen to put the flowers in water.
Once I returned, I got my first good look at Jace. He wore a muscle-hugging, brown sweater rolled at his sleeves and smelled like musk and leather. His cologne brought back a plethora of memories, causing my body to come alive in an unwanted way. I willed my damn hormones to calm themselves.
Phil wandered the house a bit and peeked into the small dining room before making his way to the table. “Cute little setup you have here.”
I smiled. “Thankfully it’s just the four of us. I don’t think we could fit many more people at our table.”
His eyes looked glassy, as if he might cry. “I can’t thank you enough for having us. I couldn’t bear to be in our house. My wife always invited friends over and made a big to-do about this holiday. Today…the silence was deafening.”
It was hard to know the right thing to say. “I’m sure she’s with you in spirit. I always feel my parents with us during the holidays, even though they’re not physically here.”
He nodded. “You certainly do know what we’re going through, don’t you? So many people pretend to understand loss, but if you’ve never lost someone who was your entire world, you really don’t.”
Don’t I know it. I flashed a sympathetic smile.
Jace and Nathan walked into the dining room.
“Put my son to work, Farrah,” Phil told me.
“Actually, there’s not much to do. I’m only making the turkey and gravy. All the fixings are coming from Regina’s.”
“Well, I’m sure Jace will be happy to taste-test your gravy.” Phil smirked.
“I hear the senior center is putting on a free lunch today. Maybe I should drop you off?” Jace cracked.
We all laughed. At least having Phil here broke the ice somewhat.
Feeling flushed, I went toward the kitchen. “I made some appetizers. Let me grab them.”
About a minute later, Jace’s deep voice caused me to jump. “Can I help?”
When I turned, he was way too close for comfort. God, he looks so good.
“No. Thank you.”
Moving past him, I carried out a cheeseball covered in slivered almonds and a plate of raw vegetables and dip. I set them on the coffee table in the living room.
“It wouldn’t be a holiday without my sister’s cheeseball,” Nathan said as he reached for a cracker.
“Well, I love cheeseballs.” I smiled. “After all, I’ve lived with one all my life.”
Jace joined his dad on the sofa.
I turned to Phil. “Can I get you something to drink? We don’t keep alcohol in the house, but I have pretty much everything else. Soda, seltzer, sparkling cider?”
“I’d love a sparkling cider,” he said.
“We get wild in this house with the sparkling cider, thanks to me,” Nathan said.
Jace shrugged. “It’s fine.”
I returned to the kitchen to pour Phil’s drink.
When I returned, I checked the time on my phone. “I actually need to pick up the side dishes from Regina’s. I timed it so the turkey would be ready by the time I got back.”
Jace jumped up from the couch. “I’ll drive—help you carry everything.”
What am I supposed to say…no?
I shrugged. “Sure, if you want to.”
Jace tossed his keys into the air. “Nathan, take care of the old man while I’m gone, will ya?”
Phil lifted his glass. “I plan to get inebriated on this stuff.”
Jace and I walked out together. He disarmed his truck, and the moment I stepped inside, déjà vu set in—the smell of his cologne, the leather against my back, his closeness as he sat next to me. The only thing missing was the hint of cigar. This wasn’t the same truck from three years ago, but it might as well have been. It seemed like just yesterday when I’d been a lovesick twenty-one-year-old, lusting after my brother’s twenty-seven-year-old friend. Now I was twenty-four, trying with everything in me to fight the same feelings of lust for the same man, who was now thirty. It seemed the only thing that had changed was our ages.
“Put your seatbelt on. How many times do I have to tell you?” He winked.
“I’m a little distracted by the memories of being in your truck.”
“Most of them good, I hope.” In a seductive tone, he added, “I know we had some good times in my old truck.”
“All except for one.”
“Yeah,” he whispered.
The night Nathan caught us was one of the worst memories of my life.
He turned the key and backed out of the driveway.
About a half mile down the road, he glanced over at me. “I can’t tell you much I appreciate you having us over. I know I make you nervous. Even if you’re trying not to show it, Farrah, I see it in your body language. You’ve given up a peaceful holiday out of the goodness of your heart. I should’ve said no, but I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to distract Dad.” He paused. “And to see you.”
I fidgeted in my seat. “It’s my pleasure. It means a lot to Nathan, too.”
“I feel really lucky to have him as a friend again. He’s always felt more like a brother, though.”
“He’s a good brother, despite all of his faults.”
Jace nodded. “Where’s your boyfriend today?”
“Having dinner with his family. He’s coming over for dessert later.”
He swallowed. “I see.”
My eyes lingered on his Adam’s apple, wandered up to the cleft in his chin...then his l
ips.
“How long have you been dating him?” he asked.
“A little over a year.”
“How did you meet?”
“He struck up a conversation one day at his family’s liquor store. I was buying wine to bring over to a friend’s house—since I don’t drink anymore around Nathan.” I cleared my throat. “Nathan and Niles don’t get along that great, as you know. I don’t push the issue about him coming to our place. I could’ve gone to Niles’s family’s house today, but I’d rather spend Thanksgiving with my brother. It’s tradition.”
“I know traditions are important to you. Do you and Nathan still have movie night?”
“Actually, that’s the one thing we’ve faltered on. It’s more like every couple of months now.”
“Well, at least you try.”
As we approached the catering place, he slowed the truck. “Is this it?”
“Yup.”
Jace parked, and we both exited the vehicle.
After I gave my name to the woman at the counter, she informed me that my order wasn’t ready yet, that they were experiencing a slight delay due to one of their ovens breaking down. She suggested we return in thirty minutes.
“I guess we have to kill some time,” I said. “We’ll be cutting it close with the turkey. I might have to ask Nathan to take it out. But it’s not worth going all the way home and coming back.”
“No biggie. It looked like there was a café open next door. Let’s grab a coffee or something.”
Jace and I ordered two hot chocolates and took them to his car. The weather in Florida was finally cool enough to warrant a hot drink.
He put the music on low as we quietly sipped. I gazed out the window, but could feel his eyes on me.
He eventually broke the silence. “Do you still go to that bar for those confessionals?”
I shook my head. “I stopped going to The Iguana a while back, but from what I hear, they still do it once a week.”
“Whatever happened to your friend, Kellianne?”
“We’re still good friends. She’s married now, and she just had a baby girl.”
“Wow. That’s wild.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still write at night liked you used to?”
I looked down at my cup. “I haven’t written for myself in some time. And even if creativity struck, I don’t have a lot of time now between school and work.”
“I know we never spoke about it, but Nathan told me you’re majoring in criminal justice. I think that’s badass.”
I nodded. “For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. But when it came down to making a decision, criminal justice felt right—probably because of what happened to Mom and Dad.”
Jace’s eyes seared into mine. He swirled the liquid around in his cup. “You think you’ll go on to law school?”
“I haven’t ruled it out. There’s a lot I still haven’t decided.”
“Figuring out what you want to do with your life is no small decision. I’m still figuring it out, too. I’ve been wavering back and forth a lot lately.”
“How so?”
“Well, my father’s decision to sell the company had a lot to do with my mother. They were supposed to be traveling the world together in their retirement. Now that she’s gone, he doesn’t think he wants to retire quite yet. He needs something to focus on.”
“He’s thinking of backing out on the sale?”
“Yeah. But the thing is, he can’t handle it all alone anymore. He hasn’t asked me to help, but I feel like that’s what he wants—for me to stay here and run the business with him.”
An anxious feeling came over me at the prospect of Jace staying in Palm Creek. “Is that what you want?”
“I know I don’t want to leave Florida right now. He needs me. I’m also a little worried, to be honest. With my mother gone, he might fall into old habits.”
“The gambling, you mean.”
“Yep.” He sighed. “He never went back to it, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
“I can understand that fear.”
“So, I’m pretty sure I’m staying—permanently this time.” His eyes lingered on mine.
I sat there stone-faced, unsure of what to say. The thought of him leaving again scared me even more than his staying. I wasn’t about to analyze what that meant.
“What about your life back in Charlotte?” I asked.
He sighed and placed his cup in the holder. “There’s not much to go back to. Kaia and I had an okay relationship, but I’m not in love with her. Being away made me realize that even more. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. That relationship was something I should’ve ended before it got too serious. But I was comfortable with her, and that was good enough for a while.” He turned toward me. “Maybe you can relate. You said you felt…safe…with your boyfriend. That’s sort of how it was with Kaia.” He paused. “Feeling safe doesn’t always mean it’s right, though.”
I took a deep breath in as I continued to look out toward the street, refusing to look in his eyes so he couldn’t sense my weakness.
“You know,” he said. “When I first came back, I nearly had a heart attack when I drove by your old house—before I knew you guys had moved.”
My forehead wrinkled. “Why?”
“There was a little girl playing outside. She had black hair like mine. For a moment, I thought I’d left behind more than just my heart when I took off.”
It took me a few seconds to realize what he meant. “You thought I had your baby?”
“Only for, like, two minutes—the longest two minutes of my life. Then her mother came out and snatched her, thinking I was some kind of weirdo for staring at her little girl from the sidewalk.”
My mouth hung open. “Wow. I guess I can see how you might have thought that.” I looked at my lap. “After you left…my period was late.”
His eyes widened. “What?”
“I thought I was pregnant.”
“Shit,” he said. “That must have been scary.”
“It was.”
“You weren’t…pregnant, though?”
“No. It was probably stress or something. That can mess with your cycle. But I can relate to your little heart attack. Although, mine lasted for over a week.”
“Fuck.” He laid his head back and looked at me. “If that had happened, I would’ve come back. You know that, right? I would never have let you go through that alone.”
“At the time, I certainly wouldn’t have believed that.”
Jace turned his body toward mine and closed his eyes, readying himself to say something. “I made a huge mistake, Farrah. I left believing you would be better off without me because of my feelings toward myself. I felt so guilty for my involvement in what happened to your parents. I’d never dealt with any of it. And when Nathan unleashed my deepest secret like that, it caused me to spiral. Leaving you was a form of self-punishment. I ran so I didn’t have to face my guilt and shame. If I could go back, I would stay, endure the pain. I would’ve stood up to Nathan and for myself. I would’ve done everything I could to keep us together. But that’s a realization that’s only possible through hindsight. I’m paying for it now, because it hurts me to look at you and not see the joy you used to have in your eyes. It hurts me even more to feel like I took it away.”
As much as he was partially right, it wasn’t fair to let him feel like the entire burden was his to bear.
“I’m a stronger person for it,” I told him. “I needed to lose you to find myself—my inner strength. I’m tougher than I was. And I won’t let anyone destroy my heart like that again.”
Jace’s expression darkened, my words seeming to hit him where it hurt, though they weren’t meant to.
Feeling a need to escape, I looked at the time. “The food has got to be ready by now.”
He looked out toward the building. “Oh yeah. You’re right. It’s been way over a half hour.”
Jace and I went back ins
ide to retrieve two pies and five aluminum trays of food—sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, corn bread, and stuffing. I carried two trays back to the car, and Jace piled the rest into his arms.
The ride home was quiet. The tension in the air was still thick, but I felt more at ease around him after the conversation we’d had. It had felt good to let some of that out. As hard as it was to talk about what happened between us, in a strange way, I still felt like I could tell Jace anything.
Back at the house, the turkey was ready to come out of the oven. Jace volunteered to lift the heavy bird out for me. After that, he carved it and helped me set the table while Nathan continued to entertain Phil in the living room.
Later, Jace reached over me to place silverware at one of the settings near where I was arranging the sides. The contact gave me goose bumps. I’d been fighting my physical attraction to him all day. It was easy to convince myself he wasn’t right for me since he’d broken my trust. It was another ball game trying to stop my body from reacting anytime he was in the vicinity.
When the four of us finally sat down, Nathan and I were on one side of the table facing Jace and his dad, with Jace sitting directly across from me.
Nathan made an announcement. “Before we eat, we should all say what we’re thankful for. Mom would be disappointed if we didn’t.”
“I think Faye would have agreed,” Phil said.
We each took turns. Nathan spoke about how thankful he was to have reconnected with Jace, for his continued recovery from the accident, and as always, he was thankful for me. Phil went next and admitted it was hard to be thankful for much this year. But he was thankful for his belief that his wife was watching over him and the fact that he was sharing a meal with good people today.
Next it was Jace’s turn.
My eyes were fixed on him as he began to speak.
“This year brought a lot of unexpected things to my life. I lost my mother, who meant the world to me. That was definitely the lowest point. It was also a huge eye-opener about how life can change in an instant. You don’t have forever to make amends or to tell people you love them.” His eyes met mine for a moment before they traveled over to Nathan. “I never could’ve imagined that coming home during one of the darkest points in my life would have brought me unexpected peace and a second chance at friendship. The past three years away weren’t easy, but I learned a lot about myself, how I’d let guilt and fear take over my life for so long. I’ve made mistakes…but I never meant to hurt anyone. I’ve been working on forgiving myself.” He looked toward my brother again. “Nathan, your ability to forgive me so freely has helped in that process.” He paused. “So, what am I thankful for? I’m thankful to have my brother back.” Jace’s eyes traveled around the table. “I’m thankful to be sitting here with the three people who mean the most to me in the world.” He looked at Phil. “Dad, you’ve taught me a lot about strength since Mom died. You get up each day and push forward, even though I know that’s not easy for you.” He turned to me. “Nathan and Farrah, you’ve taught me about humility and putting aside pride in favor of forgiveness. Thank you again for opening your home to us. No matter what’s happened in the past, I will always be here for you, if you need me.”
The Crush Page 21