Ollie pulled me away and searched my face. “Mia, you’re crying,” he said through an exhale, and kissed a tear below the corner of my eye before it had a chance to fall. “Bloody hell, you love me.” Relief set in his eyes.
“But, I don’t believe in love,” I whispered.
“Then believe in me.” Ollie grinned. “Believe in us.”
Unfortunately, the cold air got us back into our clothes, and we lay over the mattress, entangled in one another. I didn’t tell Ollie how I had remembered my past. I couldn’t find the strength to tell him the truth—what had happened to me and what I was capable of doing. The worst possible case was if he’d look at me differently. The same way my father had looked at me. But this would be worse. Much, much worse.
I traced over the tattoos on his arms as he described each one to me.
“And the scissors?” I asked, dancing my fingers across his forearm. The intricate details from the handle of the scissors to the sharp tip looked perfectly curated.
“That was a cover-up tattoo.”
“What did you cover up?” I tried to look past the newer ink to make out the older behind it, but the artist was brilliant. You couldn’t even tell.
“I had a crest to represent brotherhood,” Ollie said with a distant depth of pain in his voice. “I got it with my brother when I was fourteen. It was stupid.”
Noticing the reluctance across his face, I placed my hand in his and gave it a squeeze.
“When I was younger, I looked up to him as a baby brother should, you know? I was blind growing up, saw the good in everyone, but I was naïve. And as I got older, I only got more confused by the actions of others and why people did the things they did. I couldn’t get a grasp on why there was so much evil in the world. And one day, I woke up and saw my brother for who he truly was. So, I got the scissors as a reminder I’d cut him out of my life completely. He’s like a vampire, slowly sucking the life out of me, taking everything I have. I hung on to him for so long because, well, he’s my brother, and wish he would change. Maybe that I could be a good influence for him.”
Ollie only paused to control his breathing. He ran his fingers through my hair and behind my ear. “We were … we didn’t have a good upbringing. Not saying others didn’t have it worse, but every day I did whatever I could to make sure my mum and brother were taken care of. A huge burden for someone like me. I carried both of their weight for so long with nothing in return. But never once did I expect anything. And as I got older, instead of me carrying him on my shoulders, he only dragged me down with him. He took advantage of me.”
My heart broke for him. Each word fell from his mouth was like it was skimming over the surface of a pond that was frozen over, afraid if once the ice broke, he would drown. “You know you can tell me, Ollie. You never have to hide from me. I’ll never think differently of you. You know that, don’t you?” I kissed the palm of his hand.
Ollie drew in a deep breath and nodded.
“Then talk to me. It’s your turn to let me in.”
“It was bad, Mia,” he choked out. “For years I watched my mum give herself away. She was a prostitute and kept my brother and me locked in a closet while she fucked some real low-lifes. I covered my ears as my brother watched. He was fucking sick, still is. Got off on it. He’s ten years older than me, and after he left home, she poisoned me a couple of times. Twice I died, drowned in my own vomit, but then I guess she changed her mind and brought me back. She said she loved me and was sorry. I’m very different from my brother—we don’t have the same father, and she said I reminded her of the man she despised. She just didn’t know how to handle me.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. This man lying beside me had been rejected his whole life, and he still walked around with a smile on his face. I’d never noticed the pain of his past until now. It was never inside him—he never allowed it to dim his light. More than ever, I wished someone had created the perfect words I could say to comfort him because I couldn’t think of a single one that seemed fitting.
“It wasn’t until I found out he was the one who took over the prostitution ring my mum was a part of when I cut him off entirely. Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, he beat my mum’s punter so bad for not paying, he’s now on life support and pinned the whole thing on me. He had a false alibi, and my history with EI didn’t help either. Now I’m here, and if I can’t make it here, I’ll go to prison. He faded out of the business and has been following me around ever since, making my life a living hell.”
Ollie never belonged here. “What’s EI?”
“Emotional Intensity. Basically, I feel too much, while you feel nothing.” Ollie dropped his head to see my reaction. “It’s as if this world is playing a cruel joke on us.” He laughed softly. “But I can’t help but know we belong together.” He moved his fingers up and down my arm. “And I refuse to take the medication. I don’t like the way I feel while I’m on it. It completely neutralizes me, makes me feel like I’m nothing.”
“They prescribed you medication?” Ollie didn’t need medication. How could feeling too much ever be considered a disorder?
“Yeah, they put me on it when I first got here over the summer. It was the worst. You would have certainly hated me, but something told me to stop accepting the meds, and I did. The transition was horrible. The dean had me in solitary confinement for weeks before classes started.”
“I wish I could feel things like you, Ollie. It’s a gift. There’s nothing wrong with you. I can’t imagine how you would be on medication. I guess you would be like how I was, and I don’t want that for you. Sometimes I believe you’re so good, not even this world deserves you—I don’t deserve you.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting all my life for you,” He smiled. “With you, I have to fucking pinch myself constantly because there’s no way I’m this lucky. When I first saw you in the mess hall, I kept staring, waiting for you to disappear.” He laughed lightly. “You are real, yeah? You aren’t some figment of my imagination. You’re a real girl who feels for me?” He closed one eye, and he couldn’t force his beautifully stupid smile away.
I shoved him in the shoulder. “It’s terrifying, though. I’m so afraid that, at any moment, my mental switch will flip again and there won’t be anything I can do about it.”
He picked up my hand from between us and brought it back to his face. “Embrace it, Mia. Every moment, no matter how long it lasts, it’s all worth it, yeah?”
I nodded.
“Let me do all the worrying. You only focus on living in the moments we do have. If you ever get lost, I’ll always find you.”
Ollie pulled me closer, and I rested my head over his chest. He ran his fingers through my locks as I thought about everything he’d gone through. Even after his past, Ollie refused to shut off his breaker or take medication. He still wanted to feel.
He always wanted to love, he just never had anyone to love him back.
“What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get out of here?” he asked.
“Put my toes in the water. What about you?”
“Find you … then take you to the ocean.” He couldn’t see, but I was smiling. “I want a life with you, Mia. I’ve never wanted anything more. Do you think we can survive the next two years? Think we’ll be able to make it?”
I sighed. “God, I hope so.”
There was a sudden skip in his breathing. “I can’t lose you,” he whispered.
“You won’t.”
The rising of his chest and the beating of his heart soothed me as my eyelids grew heavy.
“I have to leave soon,” he hesitantly said.
“Wait until I fall asleep. I can’t watch you walk out the door.”
“I should have brought The Notebook.” He laughed lightly.
“I’m serious, Ollie.”
“I know, I know …” He l
eaned down and pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Do me a favor, go to recreation tomorrow. There’s a fenced-in area out back, and I’ll be waiting for you on the other side.”
“Okay,” I breathed, my eyelids closing again as I began to drift.
“And Mia?”
“Mmhmm?”
“Stay with me, even when I’m gone.”
“Promise.”
Chapter Seventeen
“We were meant to be together, but
this lifetime wasn’t meant for us.”
—Oliver Masters
“BREAKFAST!” SOMEONE YELLED and pounded on my door, managing to wake me the following morning. My eyes opened to find Ollie gone, his presence replaced with an ache in my chest. It had been six days before I was able to see him, and waiting another six days wasn’t possible. Another pound at the door brought me to my feet.
“Dr. Conway insists you eat your breakfast,” the man said, holding a tray out to me as he stood beside a cart. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made the extra effort.”
“When’s recreation?” I asked, disregarding everything he’d said.
“Recreation will be inside today after breakfast. It’s pouring rain.”
My eyes dropped to the floor and I closed the door without taking the tray. I turned to scan the room behind me, looking for any evidence of Ollie. Unfortunately, there was nothing of him left in here. Not even his smell on a pillow or sheet because there was none—only the fucking mattress.
Dr. Conway finally showed up not too long after, bringing nagging along with her. “You need to eat, Mia. You can’t keep doing this.” She sat in a black folding chair, clearly uncomfortable as she balanced her clipboard over her lap. We were in a small office somewhere in the psych ward, and a small window displayed it was raining.
I fell back into the plastic-covered couch. “I remember,” I whispered as I stared out at the weather keeping me away from Ollie. “I remember everything.”
Dr. Conway arched a brow as she moved the clipboard over to the table beside her before scooting the chair closer to me. She dressed casually, wearing jeans, flats, and a plain blue shirt, but her black hair was teased high and unmoving from all the hairspray, and her makeup was heavy. She was the typical Greek from Boston, and neither the United Kingdom, nor Dolor, had taken that away from her.
“What do you remember?” Her tone was calm and steady.
“Don’t do that. Don’t go all doctor on me.” I shook my head.
“Fine, you want me to be real?” She stood and took a seat next to me on the couch. “I’m livid. I’ve been working with you for a whole month, and the moment you go to a psych ward, then you remember …” She slapped her thighs. “Talk about a blow to the stomach. I may as well quit my job.”
I pressed my brows together the same time she pursed her lips, and we both burst into a full fit of laughter. I laughed to the point no sound could escape, and tears fell from the corners of my eyes, but eventually, the laughter faded, and those once happy tears turned into the ugly ones.
“Oh, Mia, come here.” Dr. Conway pulled me into her chest, her large breasts swallowing me whole, though it was comforting in a way. She held me tight as tears fell freely and I gasped for breath.
“I’m so angry,” I cried out, my words muffled by her shirt. “Why didn’t anyone help me? Why didn’t anyone hear me? Why couldn’t anyone care enough to save me?” Each question brought out more cries into her hair, more tears longing to fall, and more built-up confessions escaping as she held me close. “I was locked away in my own personal prison. Me! I did that! Clawing and punching to feel again, but no one fucking heard me!” I pulled away from her. “Do you have any idea how that feels? To silently be trapped?” I lowered my head into my hands, gasping for more air.
“Mia, look at me,” Dr. Conway insisted. I lifted my head to see her sad and forgiving eyes before she continued, “You are so strong. You’re a fighter—
“No, I’m not a fighter. I’m weak. If I was strong, I wouldn’t have pushed my past away and flipped the damn switch. I would have fought through it.”
“You were eight years old, Mia. Cut yourself some slack. Not everyone can shut it out, but you did. At eight years old at that. Could you imagine if you hadn’t, having to deal at such a young age? You’re much older now, and you have the strength to heal, and Mia, it’s time. You have to let it all out. You have to start talking about your experience. You can’t keep it all inside any longer.”
“But it hurts … it hurts so bad.”
“And I promise you, after you get through the pain, there is a light at the end of all this.”
She pulled my head back into her chest and ran her palm up my forehead. “I think it’s time for you to return to the main campus. What do you think?”
The following two weeks were the slowest two weeks of my life; too many emotions kept me up at night, thinking of all the horrible things I had done over the last ten years. Regret kept water in my eyes as I thought back at all the people I’d hurt. The way I’d hurt myself. My head bounced from pointing blame to everyone else, back to feeling remorse for what I’d caused, back to blaming it on the world. I was a casualty of the war in my head, and this had all started with the actions of my uncle.
I tried to remember what I’d been like before him—before the first night he’d come into my room. What my favorite color was, what I liked to eat, and most of all, my favorite song to play on the piano. But that girl no longer existed; she’d been destroyed the night her uncle stole her innocence, but her death had been a slow and painful one. At least that little girl had the audacity to give him a quick and painless death. He hadn’t deserved a death so gracious.
Then my irrational thoughts traveled to what I could have possibly done to ask for it. Had I given my uncle any indication I wanted it? Was I Mayella in To Kill a Mockingbird, and would Ollie see me the same way Atticus saw Mayella? I sighed to myself at the similarity. All along, Dr. Conway had put me through stupid assignments, but only in an effort to remind me.
Clever, Dr. Conway.
Maddie always took the opportunity to talk to me during dinner. We played poker every breakfast and twenty-one every dinner. Each time she brought up the main campus, I changed the subject.
“Dr. Conway is discharging me from here,” I said to her. Maddie continued to play with the deck in her hand as I studied the expression on her face. Not a damn change. She was good.
“So, you’re leaving Dolor for good, then?” she asked.
“No, I’m going back to the main campus.”
Maddie slid two cards across the table in front of me. “I’ve never met Dr. Conway, but it sounds like she really likes you, ya?”
“Yeah, we’ve grown close since I arrived.”
“Maybe I can request her.”
“She normally doesn’t work over here on this side, so I doubt it.” Why was I getting territorial with Dr. Conway? “Hit me.”
Maddie flipped over a ten of hearts, and I threw my head back and groaned.
“You lose, as always. You have the worst bloody luck,” she said through a laugh.
I smiled at her choice of words. “No, trust me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”
Because I have Ollie.
Monday morning, I was discharged from the Looney Bin and processed back into the system on the main campus. It had been two and a half weeks since I’d seen Ollie. Every night, I waited for him to come back, but he never showed. Terrified, I wondered if he’d gotten caught because of me. Did they have him in solitary confinement or had they forced him off campus? Was he in prison? Too many thoughts ran through my head, and all I needed was to see him and make sure he was okay.
First, I suffered through another meeting with Dean Lynch, but this time with Dr. Conway by my side. She explained my breakthrough, and I sat quietly beside he
r as she went over the next steps in the healing process.
“She needs to be back to seeing me twice a week, and involved in group therapy again,” Dr. Conway insisted. “She needs to interact with her friends, get back into a regular routine. Mia has been living in isolation long enough.”
Dean Lynch agreed, but with conditions.
Dr. Conway, Dean Lynch, and I exited the office to find Oscar waiting outside with my suitcase in hand. He wore an official security guard uniform with his black hair gelled back and a small smirk over his smug face. Flashes of our sex-fests from the beginning of the school year swam around in my brain.
“Where’s Stanley?” I asked, glancing over to Dr. Conway. My stomach twisted at the reminder of my indecency.
Dr. Conway opened her mouth, but Dean Lynch interjected, “Stanley is no longer with us. However, Oscar has been in training for four months now and is familiar with our commitment. He’s more than capable of taking care of you.”
Oscar’s smirk grew into a devilish smile, full of white pearly teeth. “As the Dean said, I’ll take great care of you, Mia.”
If the Dean weren’t standing right beside me, I would have punched the smile off his face, but instead, I gave a single nod before he escorted me back to my room.
The halls were empty since everyone was in class, and when I entered my dorm, I was surprised to find the room had changed. White padding covered my walls, and my bed was stripped down to a mattress on the floor with a clean stack of clothes lying on top. No desk to climb on to get to Ollie. The door closed behind me, causing me to flinch.
I turned at the waist as Oscar propped my suitcase against the wall. He untucked his shirt and began undoing his belt. My mouth went dry, but I still managed to speak. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“What do you think I’m doing?” The belt was gone, and he unclasped the button on his slacks. “I’m going to fuck your brains out.”
Stay With Me (Stay With Me Series Book 1) Page 20