Shit. “No, Oscar. That’s over. I’m not that person anymore.”
Oscar’s face fell, but a disbelief in his eyes rose. “People don’t change, Mia. You know you want it. Stop teasing me.” He took a step forward, and I backed away.
“You need to leave,” I choked out through a constricted throat.
Instead of obeying, he took steps toward me until I was flush against the wall. “Let’s get one thing straight—I take want I want.”
This wasn’t anything like the Oscar I thought I knew. Perhaps I never noticed it because I willingly gave myself to him.
Stunning both Oscar and myself, I raised my hand and struck his cheek. He brought his hand to his face and cocked his head. There was a look of confusion flashing in his eyes, but his confusion quickly transformed into a fury. He grabbed my wrists and slammed them against the padded wall. “You’re lucky you have what I need, but if you so much as hit me or disobey me again, I’ll drag your ass straight to the dean’s office.”
My eyes went wide. My body went numb. “What do you want from me?” I knew. God, I knew. I just didn’t want to believe it. Powerless.
All over again, powerless.
Oscar’s taunting smile grew. “Today, I only want to touch you, darling.” My jeans were yanked down to my knees. My body went rigid. “Only a little touching.” He pressed his hand over my panties and slid his hand back and forth. “I have a problem, Mia,” he admitted. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t find my voice—again, silently trapped. “Once you give it to me, you can’t take it back. You belong to me now.”
His fingers stayed over my panties as he continued to rub. “See, not so bad, right?” My throat tightened more, and I clenched my eyes closed. Frozen, I couldn’t even move my head in any direction. All I could do was stand against the wall as my past and his threats choked me.
“No one is going to believe you, you know. I’ve read your file. I know how fucked up you are … using sex as a weapon to get what you want, spreading your legs for strangers, getting caught fucking your previous doctor.” He chuckled and tightened his grip around both wrists as a tear ran down my cheek. “You’ll just be a girl crying wolf.”
He released my wrist and pushed off the wall. “I’ll see you around, darling.”
The door slammed behind him as I slid down the padded wall until my bottom hit the floor. I dropped my head into my hands as I let every tear fall, each one for each mistake I’d ever made. It hadn’t crossed my mind I would ever get to the point enough to care again, and now that point was here, facing all my mistakes, all my wrongs. It all came back to haunt me.
His hands had been on me, and bile came in my throat first when my mouth watered. The bathroom. Pulling up my pants, I rushed down the empty hall to the community bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet just in time to throw up.
I was different now, but still all the same. This situation was different, but still all the same. I was the same weak girl, and this world was just as cruel as before. If I told Ollie, he would do something to get himself kicked out. I couldn’t tell Ollie and risk anything happening to him. Oscar was right; because of my past, no one aside from Ollie would believe me, anyway. Eventually, Oscar would go away because he couldn’t do this forever—or maybe I was in denial.
If I hadn’t been through the abuse before, this would have taken a bigger toll on me. But because I’d been down this road, I had the tools to push it away and pretend it hadn’t happened. Instead of going to the mess hall for lunch, I took a shower instead, helping to erase the memory of Oscar’s hands on me.
I met with Dr. Conway that afternoon at our usual appointment time. Being back in the main building was strange. Everything seemed to have kept moving along without me. I was no one important. The world kept turning on its cruel axis.
Dr. Conway didn’t hide her agitation when I told her I’d skipped lunch, and ordered us take-out so she could babysit to make sure I ate. The full hour with her, eating fast food and talking about her stories from her college days, took a weight off my shoulders. For a full hour, I didn’t think about Oscar.
“So, how do you like the boys here?” she asked. “Anyone you’ve had your eye on?”
“W-w-whoa we’re not at that point yet, Doctor,” I teased.
She set her burger down and ran a napkin over her mouth. “So, there is someone.” She smiled. “What’s his name? Do I know him? Is it the same boy who kissed you before you punched the wall?”
I rolled my eyes. “The last thing I’m doing is telling you his name.”
“Oh, my God, you really like this guy …”
“Stop.”
Dr. Conway’s eyes grew wider. “Bloody hell, you’ve fallen in love with him.”
“You’ve been here way too long.” I laughed. “And no, you have to believe in love to fall.”
She held a finger up at me as she swallowed her last bite. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, you don’t have to believe in love for it to exist because love is not something you choose—love chooses you. And when love happens, you will know because there will be no other explanation.”
An awkward silence fell over us as I stared at her, trying to blink her advice away.
Nope, it was still there—in the air—swallowing me whole and spitting me back out.
“Just think about it,” she said with her palms in the air.
The thought of seeing Ollie kept me pacing my dorm room, all the while keeping an eye on the little hand as it slowly ticked by the second. I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous to see him. He’d told me he was in love with me. His words belonged in movies and romance novels. I didn’t deserve for those words to belong in my life, especially coming from him.
Ten more minutes, I told myself—only needed ten more minutes. No one knew I was back yet, and I’m sure everyone—maybe not Bria, but everyone else—would be happy to see me. But would they be glad to see the new Mia—the Mia who had feelings and shed tears? I was still trying to get to know my new self at the same time as sorting my past, sorting my feelings with Ollie, and sorting this torment with Oscar.
Sorting.
Filling my lungs, I opened my door and walked out into the hallway. When I approached the mess hall, I paused under the archway to scan the room, but Ollie was nowhere in sight.
“Mia?!” A shriek bounced and I immediately knew it was Jake. He stood from his table with wide eyes and his mouth agape. In no time, his arms were around me. “You’re back!”
After he pulled away, he walked me over to the table as warm smiles greeted me from the rest of them.
“Was it as bad as everyone says it is?” Isaac asked.
“No, not really. Honestly, I was unconscious the majority of the time, so I don’t remember too much …” I trailed off as I scanned the room again impatiently.
“He’s not here,” Alicia said. “He hasn’t eaten with us since you left.”
“It’s fucking strange. I’ve never seen Ollie like this before,” Isaac added.
Bria sat in silence as she kept her eyes on the table before her.
“I’m going to go find him. I’ll see you guys later.”
My hands shook as I approached Ollie’s door, and I ran them down the front of my pants before waving them in the air to shake out my nerves. I knocked twice over his door, and his beautiful raspy voice came from the other end.
“Who’s there?”
His voice resurrected my Ollie-smile.
“Water,” I said, this time in my American accent.
Seconds passed, and I imagined seeing his lips turn up into his contagious smile.
“Water who?”
“Water you doing, love? Let me in …” I laughed.
The door opened, and Ollie stood in his black jeans, loose white tee, and a lopsided grin. His hair poked out from under his
beanie as he leaned against the open door. “I’m dreaming, yeah?” His body relaxed at the sight of me. “Because if I am, don’t you dare wake me up.” I closed the gap between us and reached for his hand before lacing my fingers in his. Ollie’s eyes closed as a slow exhale left his lips. “I was lost without you.”
He pulled my hand around his waist and wrapped his long arms over me, pinning me to his chest. And we stood like that for a while, holding each other in an affectionate silence, unwilling to let each other go. Burying my face into his chest, I knew Ollie had been the one to show me how to save myself.
He pressed his lips against my forehead before his chin rested over the top of my head. “I’m so sorry. I tried to get to you, but I couldn’t, and I don’t know what to do, Mia. Please, tell me this means you’re back …”
“I am, and it’s going to be different now.”
He dipped his head back to see my face. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t say anything before because I wasn’t sure myself, but Ollie, I remember everything that happened to me. But most importantly, I can feel, and it’s going to stay. I’m staying. All you asked was for me to believe in us, and I do. That belief turned into something beautiful, and now I understand.” My voice broke as my eyes watered. “I’m staying because with you I have a home, Ollie … it’s in here.” I rested my palm against his chest.
A single tear fell from his eye before he wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. “Emotional intensity …” he reminded me through a mutter as if crying in front of me would make me look at him differently.
I reached for his face and fixed his glossy eyes in front of me. “You should never be ashamed, Ollie, never in front of me. Your heart is beautiful. You’re beautiful.” He nodded as another tear fell and I stood on my toes to press my mouth against his salty lips.
His kiss in return was more firm and urgent, and his lashes were wet against mine as he pulled me away from the door and over the mattress on the floor.
We lay over his bed as he stroked my hair. “No one can know about us, Mia.”
“Why? Does this have to do with the whole Dolor’s anti-relationship clause?” Ollie didn’t laugh when I expected him to, which alerted me to sit up. My eyes searched his. “What happened?”
Ollie sat up with me and leaned his back against the wall, us side by side. “A lot of people here aren’t like Jake, you, or myself. When they see people happy in a relationship, it fuels them to do whatever they can to destroy it. They want to bring everyone down to their level. Basically, if they can’t have it, no one can.”
“I’m still not following the severity of this …”
“There’s a history, but I’ll tell you about the most recent: Thomas and Livy. Their relationship started at the beginning of school a year ago, much like we did. They were quickly in a close, committed relationship, despite the damn curse that came along with being in relationships here. They thought it was all nonsense. Until students fucked with them, spreading rumors, starting drama, doing little things to break them up. When that didn’t work, the people here brought it to the next level. It got so bad, Livy, who was Alicia’s best friend, was gang raped in her dorm—”
My hand moved over my mouth. “Oh, my god.”
“It gets worse. She ended up getting pregnant. Thomas went ballistic. He already had anger issues to begin with, but between the rape and the pregnancy, it sent him over the edge. He killed one of the guys who raped her and was sent away after. I believe he’s now in prison.”
“But what about Livy?”
“After Tommy’s dismissal, she couldn’t go on anymore. They found her in her room over the summer—” he paused and drew in an unsteady breath. “She killed herself, Mia.”
“No …”
“Yes … two lives destroyed because of a relationship. It’s sick.” Ollie grabbed my hand from my thigh and brought it into his lap. “The moment you walked through the mess hall, I knew I was fucking doomed. And, Christ, when we first kissed …” he shook his head. “I can’t go back to a time before you, Mia. We can never not be together.”
Grabbing his hand from his lap, I dropped my head over his shoulder. “We can’t. We won’t.”
Ollie released a breath and kissed the top of my head. “So, we have two options. We can either say ‘to hell with everyone’ and it will always be us against them until we leave this place, or we can keep us hidden—no one knowing. Both will be equally hard for me, and I wish things were different. But they’re not. I’m okay with whatever you choose. All that matters is you and I, alright?”
First, our disorders tried keeping us apart, and now it would be Dolor. I was sure of Ollie. I was sure what we had was strong, but sometimes the easiest decision isn’t always the right one. “We have to stay undercover.” The risk wasn’t worth it.
Ollie exhaled. “Come here,” he said, picking me up and planting me over his lap. “Then we can’t tell anyone about us …” he sighed.
“I know.”
“I can’t show you affection when I want to …”
“I know.”
“I’m going to fuck this up because I can’t help myself …”
“Yeah, I know.”
Ollie grinned.
Dinner was cumbersome with Ollie being so far away after spending weeks without him. He said he doesn’t fuck, but the way his eyes were on me, told me differently. He sent me a wink, and my head did the stupid shake like always when I didn’t know what else to do.
He mouthed words even a porn director would not approve of, and my mouth dropped open. Ollie laughed silently, and I rolled my eyes with a stupefied smile.
“Eat,” I mouthed back, and he took the entire spoon into his mouth before licking it clean. My head fell in my hands, and I had to turn away. “Zeke, remind me to kick his ass later,” I said as Zeke watched us with amusement.
Minutes passed, and Ollie slid in the chair beside me. He pressed his forehead to the side of my head and mine leaned into it like a reflex. “How do we say goodbye if I can’t kiss you?” His breath in my ear, the graze of his nose, and the closeness of his body all violated rules from our conversation earlier.
“Easy. We don’t say goodbye.”
Ollie pulled away and the frown lines between his eyes deepened. “I can’t leave a room without thanking you for your presence, Mia.”
I grinned from ear to ear. “Well I have a hard time watching you walk away from me, so I suppose that makes us even.”
“I don’t want even. I want a solution,” He growled and turned his whole body to face me. His eyes looked past me out the window as he licked his lips, in deep thought. The beanie had disappeared since I came back, and I wondered if it symbolized his mood. Every time he’d worn the beanie, it was only while he was upset, as if it hid him from the world or blanketed his worries.
“Alright, I have an idea.” His eyes met mine and a smile emerged from his gleaming lips. “You know how I always ask you to close your eyes?” I nodded. “When one of us has to part from the other, I’ll tell you to close your eyes. We imagine we’re kissing—and in your mind, I’m a fucking fantastic kisser, by the way—but we don’t say goodbye, and you count to ten before you open your eyes again so you won’t have to watch me walk away.”
The way his eyes lit up, I couldn’t say how ridiculous it sounded. “Okay.”
Ollie squeezed my thigh. “Close your eyes, Mia.”
Chapter Eighteen
“How do you do it, my love?
My haven is in your heart and
my shelter is in your arms.
When your eyes find mine,
they give me refuge from the storm.
Did you know I’m homesick without you?”
—Oliver Masters
LATER THAT NIGHT, Ollie reached for my good hand to pull me up through the vent to go back to his r
oom. I couldn’t wait for my hand to heal completely. Two more weeks.
“You ready?” Ollie asked as he propped himself up on his hands and knees in the vent. His hair was in chaos since he’d showered earlier; not an ounce of grease held it down. He wore his gray joggers and a black tee, but his perfect white smile was the best look on him.
I sat up, and he crawled over me until my back met the foundation. “I have to steal moments where I can,” he whispered, and after patiently waiting to be alone together, two pairs of longing lips touched in urgency from holding back for too long.
His mouth moved eagerly, seizing his moments and giving me life all at once. His tongue brushed mine greedily, yet savored the taste of me as he rushed then slowed his speed, unable to make a decision. He was fierce and calm concurrently. He tugged my bottom lip, sucked and kissed before crashing his tongue to mine once more as quiet moans came from his throat.
Ice and fire. Winter and summer. Ollie and Mia.
He brushed his nose against mine, and across my cheek until he found my neck.
“Okay, I think we’re ready now.” I giggled as he breathed into my hair.
“No. I don’t want to go back. Let’s hang out in your room. Fuck, I’ll stay right here all night. Who cares about them, anyway.”
Not me. Well, Jake had grown on me. “If we don’t show, they’ll know something is up.”
Ollie groaned into my neck before raising himself by his arms. “Our first night back together of not being together …” He hung his head before picking it back up to face me. “I know it will be really hard, but you have to keep your hands off me. And don’t tempt me, my love. I struggle to hold myself together around you as is.”
This made me laugh and blush all at once. “Oh, yeah?”
Ollie smiled. “Yeah, and if I come on strong, you have to push me away. You have to. You’re stronger than me.” I knew he was serious, but he couldn’t force away his smile even if he wanted to. “Or, we can always get drunk and blame it on the alcohol.”
He was happy—we were happy.
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