“It’s okay. Go sit down,” I said to Ollie, and he dropped his head.
Seconds passed, and he finally stood and took his seat in his chair.
Everyone observed me as I stood and paced outside the circle. The glaring didn’t help and only made me more nervous. I walked over to the piano and strummed my fingers over the cold, shiny painted wood. My cast was finally off, and I took a seat and played. My nerves gradually dissipated with each note, each stroke of a key, allowing the song to take over me as my nerves finally calmed.
As the song finished, I dropped my hands from the keys and into my lap. They were no longer shaking. I glanced up to see Ollie watching me from the edge of his seat. He rested his chin in his hands.
This was it.
Ollie would never look at me this same way again.
I was sure of it.
“I was only eight years old,” I said, and everyone’s eyes were on me, “and from what I remember, I was a good girl. I never took more than I needed. I never lied, never stole. I never whined when I didn’t get my way, and never hurt anyone. I had everything a girl could want. I had both a father and mother who loved me for who I was, which is more than I can say for some of you …” My eyes met Jake’s, instant pain in his eyes.
“But I was a naïve and sheltered girl. Bad things didn’t happen in my world. They were only in Disney movies. Who knew a monster didn’t have horns or sharp teeth? They don’t, by the way. I learned the hard way. The monster who hurt me a long time ago paraded around as my uncle, and no one warned me your own family could hurt you in ways you never thought were possible.
“So, when he came into my room the first night, I thought the intentions behind it were different. I thought at first, he was coming to kiss me goodnight. Or maybe I had a nightmare, and he was coming to check on me. Hell, I didn’t know. But what he did do never crossed my mind because I was only eight years old at the time and I didn’t know any better. I thought family was supposed to love and take care of you.
“But every night, after my parents fell asleep, and all the lights were turned off, and the house was so quiet you could hear every little noise its old age made, is when the monster came. Every night for over a year, he raped me.
“The first night I thought I was being punished, like I’d done something to deserve it. Like my father whooped me with the paddle, this was my uncle’s way of punishing me for dropping his beer the day before. Or maybe it was because I’d said something wrong at dinner time. I didn’t know, and I couldn’t understand. But each night after, he took a piece of me with him.
“For exactly three hundred and ninety-four nights I cried, and no one heard me. No one bothered to help me, and as each night passed, I slowly died inside until the point I was nothing. Every morning, the sunrise would remind me I was not physically dead when I wished so badly I was so I wouldn’t have to suffer through another night.”
I paused to take in a deep breath. Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, and my vision blurred. I couldn’t look up. The room was silent, and my hands shook again. I dug my nails against my flesh to ease the pain in my heart and the shuddering in my breathing. The wave of the rage built back up as the sound of the gun firing echoed in my brain. The look on my uncle’s face flashed before my eyes and the tears finally fell.
“So, on the last night …” I wiped my tears with my trembling fingers “… I hid my father’s gun under my pillow. And when the door creaked open, and he leaned over me to see if my eyes were open, and he crawled in the bed beside me, and his fingers went under my nightgown to take off my panties, I pulled out the gun, and I shot him.”
I fought for air as I tried to get out the rest of the story. “I promised myself I would never cry again. I would never let anyone hurt me again. I never wanted to feel anything, ever, again. I didn’t want to feel pain, hurt, betrayal, not even love because it was all a lie. I wanted all of it gone.”
Through my strained and watery eyes, I saw Ollie. He hid his face in his hands, so I continued, “I had used up everything I had. For over a year, I used up all the tears, hope, prayers meant for a lifetime, and the moment I pulled the trigger, my mental switch flipped.
“So, no. It was my uncle I killed, not my mom, but I might as well have shot her, too. She took her own life, and the worst part is, I remembered thinking, ‘Good, you deserve it.’”
I shook my head as the truth came from my lips and tears soaked my cheeks. “Why couldn’t she see what he was doing to me? Why hadn’t she heard my crying out for her at night? Why didn’t anyone care enough to save me? Most of all, why was it her who got the easy way out? Why had death chosen her when I’m the one who deserved it? Every night for over a year, I prayed his rape would somehow kill me, yet she was the one who was dead, and I stood over her body, not sad, but fucking jealous.”
Ollie looked up from his hands with bloodshot eyes, and no one else was in the room anymore. No one bothered to interrupt me when I so badly needed someone to stop me from talking. My mouth kept going. “Trapped in my own head for almost ten years, and on the outside, sure, I looked fine, but my subconscious was always there, screaming to come out and deal with this, and I kept pushing her down. And still, no one heard me.
“Ten years ago, my uncle stole everything from me. He stole my innocence, my childhood, my dreams, my ability to love, to be happy, my mother, or maybe this is all my fault because I wasn’t strong enough. If I were strong enough, I could have fought him off. I could have had the courage to fight back. This was all my fault …”
I broke piece by piece in front of everyone. Every thought exited my mouth, and no one had the nerve to shut me up. “My dad won’t even look me in the eyes! He sees the same person I see when I look in the mirror: a waste. I’m the monster, and I was so afraid to tell you.” I was shouting to Ollie now, and he bent over with his head in his hands as his shoulders shook. “I was so scared once you knew the truth, that I killed someone … that I was capable of ending someone else’s life and spent the rest of mine doing the only thing I was meant to do, which is to fuck, you would never look at me the same.
“Because my uncle screwed me in every way for over a year, then I killed him. His life flashed before my eyes, and I couldn’t even feel bad about it. I’m the monster, Ollie!” As my testimony finally left me, I stood from the piano bench as my legs wobbled beneath me. “I don’t even deserve to be looked at by you.” I turned to Arty, who sat stunned. “Is this what you wanted, Arty? Does my story get you off?”
Arty stammered in shock at my long-winded confession. “Mia, that’s not what this is …”
My eyes darted around, and the entire circle couldn’t even look at me as they all turned their heads away. Then my eyes fell on Ollie. He pulled the neckline of his shirt over his eyes, still unable to see me.
“Just forget it,” I shouted, and walked through the circle and out of the room.
My mind raced as my feet moved involuntarily in front of me. I found my way back to my dorm, and as soon as my door closed, I fell against my padded wall and sunk into a fetal position on the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath as my chest ached for air. With no tears left to cry, my eyes burned for relief.
The door to my room swung open, and I looked up to see Ollie. He collapsed on his knees before me. “Mia … I’m so sorry,” he cried. His chin trembled as he tried to hold it together. “I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to be strong for you.” I pulled his sweatshirt I was wearing over my head as I fought for air. My once dry and burning eyes found more tears as my nose ran into his hoodie. Hyperventilating, I pushed his hands away
“Go … go away. You don’t have to do this!” I choked out.
Ollie fought against me, and I soon surrendered as he pulled me close to his chest. My entire body went weak in his arms, and eventually, my breathing returned to normal as the rest of my tears drained. It felt like an hour had passed,
but it could have easily been minutes in his arms.
“Look at me,” Ollie insisted. “Look into my eyes and tell me I don’t see you differently, because if you say otherwise, you’re wrong.”
His eyes—broken, green, and beautiful as ever—stared back at me as the rest of his face proved this was affecting him just as much as it had affected me. He held my wet face and continued, “I’ll never look at you differently, Mia. I love all of you. Fuck. If you didn’t kill that bastard, I would be swimming across the Atlantic right now to do it myself. You’re not a monster. Do you hear me?”
I shook my head. I understood what he was saying, but I couldn’t accept it. How could he not see me differently? “I am a monster, Ollie.”
“No, love, far from it. You were a little girl who was put in an impossible situation, and having to deal with it all on your own for too long.” He paused and wiped his face across his sleeve. “You got through it the only way you knew how, and now you have me. You never have to go through it alone. Ever. I’m right here, Mia. I’ll never leave you. I’ll always hear you. I promise you. It’s going to be you and I, do you understand me?”
“I’m no longer the girl you fell in love with, Ollie. I’m broken now. I’m not strong anymore. I don’t have my walls up, or my flip switched.”
“How is the light supposed to shine through your walls, Mia?” He exhaled as another tear fell from his eye, and he looked up to the ceiling for composure or to find words. “You think that’s why I fell in love with you, yeah? Because you were tough? I saw straight through your bullshit from the beginning. You could never hide from me. Yeah, you tried to push me away, but I saw the truth in you. Around me, you are different because it’s us. And I fell in love with us.”
Chapter Twenty
“And if they knock you to your knees,
pull the rug out from under them.”
—Oliver Masters
IT WAS LATE October, with the holidays right around the corner. At Dolor, there was no going home for Christmas because they treated this as more of a prison sentence than a university. We hadn’t celebrated the holidays at home, anyhow, until Diane came along.
My father had started dating her around Thanksgiving. He’d cooked an entire meal for the first time in years, only to hide how dysfunctional we were. It had all been a façade. Same when Christmas came around. I’d laughed at him as I’d stood on the stairs while he dragged the tree into the house under his arm. What I’d never realized, until now, was how he’d only wanted to share those holidays with someone who was excited for them. When it had been only us two, I’d never bothered to care.
“Your dad coming in for Christmas?” Jake asked as we waited in line for lunch. I reached over my tray for a banana and my shirt slid across a heap of ketchup.
“Shit,” I moaned, looking down at Ollie’s shirt I was wearing. Not only would the ketchup stain, but now I had to wear my own clothes. “That’s a major negative. My dad doesn’t do well on planes, anyway. I couldn’t imagine him on a flight longer than two hours.”
Blowing out a breath, I dipped my napkin in my water to try to blot the ketchup off, only to find it spreading into a larger stain. I growled as Jake rambled on about Parents Day.
“My mum and dad are coming, possibly my brother and sisters, too. You’re more than welcome to join us for lunch off campus. I know Alicia’s coming since hers won’t be able to make it.”
Giving up on the shirt, I moved up the lunch line. The possibility to leave this place for an entire day sounded out of reach, like a dream meant to stay in a subconscious. But, I genuinely didn’t believe my father would make it, or if he even knew about it. Once a week, I had an opportunity to call him, but never did.
There was an awkwardness between Jake and me since I’d revealed my past in group therapy. People tip-toed around me like I was going to snap at any moment, scared I would lash out from a single noise directed at me. Jake made an effort to keep our conversation light. I knew he had so much his nosy-self wanted to ask, but was afraid of how to go about it.
“Apple?” he asked
I slammed my tray down. “Stop, this Jake.”
“Stop what?”
“Ever since I told the truth about my past, you’ve been different around me. I can’t take it.”
“Don’t take your ketchup mishap out on me, woman. I’m not acting different. It’s all in your head.” He patted the top of my head with raised brows. “We can talk about Parents Day another time, but seriously … do you want an apple or no?” His smirk grew, and I took the apple from him and dropped it on my tray. “I think we’re due for a get-together tonight. You need to take some edge off. What do you say?”
“No, Ollie won’t have it, and you know it.”
“Mia, Mia, Mia.” Jake shook his head. “I’m talking about in my room.”
I coughed out a laugh.
“What? I’m serious.” Jake placed his juice on the tray.
“I’m down,” Liam interjected, coming up behind me and bumping my shoulder with his. “It’s been a while since we got together, Mia. What do you say we have some fun tonight, yeah?”
My gaze dashed back and forth from Liam to Jake, and Jake flattened his lips together in a thin hard line.
“So, you guys hang out all of a sudden? Since when did this start happening?”
“Since you and Ollie went off in your own ‘Ollie and Mia world.’ You guys coupled up, and now you’re gayer than me.”
I dipped my head back at his accusations. Completely true accusations, but still. “Not true. No one could be gayer than you, for starters, and Ollie and I are not together like that.” We were, a thousand percent, but we still couldn’t have anyone know.
“Here we go again, you making light of your relationship ….” Jake trailed off.
“Wait, so you and Ollie aren’t together?” Liam asked, confused.
“No. Definitely not together …” It pained me saying the words out loud.
“Then it’s settled. You come to Jake’s, then,” Liam said, then grabbed my ass and whispered, “Make sure you’re ready for me, darling.”
I pushed him off me with my shoulder, and he quickly released me before turning and strolling away.
Ollie was in viewing distance in his normal seat. I looked over my shoulder to see him, eyes blazing, jaw ticking, and leaning over the table on the brink of pouncing. Returning my attention in front of me, I let out a drawn-out exhale and said to Jake, “I can’t believe I ever had sex with Liam.”
After lifting my tray, I walked away from Jake, irritated, and sat across from Zeke in my usual spot.
“I’m going to kill him,” Ollie said, climbing into the seat next to me. I pressed my fork in the direction of Zeke who sat in a trance, eyes fixed in front of him. “Right … hey, mate.” Ollie flashed Zeke a smile before turning back to me. “He’s dead, Mia. I can’t stand this shit anymore. You think I fancy seeing you being groped right in front of me?”
“You know what will happen once everyone finds out.” And it was true. Ollie had told me what happened last year between Thomas and Livy. Once everyone had found out they were together, the claws came out, and it was everyone’s main agenda to tear them apart whichever way they could. Life at Dolor was pretty dull, for the most part, so anytime there was a hint of a challenge, people would take it and run with it, beat it to the ground until there was nothing left. No one here wanted to see the next person happy.
Ollie ran his palm up his forehead and through his hair. “Don’t let him touch you again. You let it slip, he’ll keep doing it. I’m trying hard to stay away, but if you don’t do anything about it, I will.”
There was a pause in the air between us, the kind where a conversation could go one of two ways. The pause sat there, teetering back and forth on the highest point of a mountain, and I noticed the debating across Ollie’s face. “
Shit. I’m sorry … I sound like a fucking prick, yeah? I swear it’s not me staking a claim on you, it’s everything you’ve been thro—
“Ollie.” I grabbed his empty hand on his lap underneath the table and gave it a small squeeze. “It happened so fast, but there won’t be a next time …” I flashed him a small smile to try to ease his troubled mind.
But in truth, he was right.
Though Oscar had strangled me with threats, I still hadn’t done anything about it, which only made that situation worse. Hearing Ollie say he would handle Liam only made me scared of him finding out how Oscar, the ex-trainee turned security guard, was tormenting me. Certain Ollie would do something to send himself to prison. I knew I was hiding the situation only to protect him.
“Jake is expecting me at his place tonight,” I said, changing the subject. “Apparently, he’s throwing parties now—one’s that Liam attend. They cornered me, and I didn’t know what else to say. Will you go with me?”
“Bloody hell.” Ollie rolled his eyes. “You think I’m letting you walk into a den of hungry wolves? Of course, I’m going with you.” Ollie’s smile reappeared. He looked over at Zeke, who had his eyes glued to the tray in front of him before he turned back to me. “Close your eyes, love.”
Every time Ollie asked me to close my eyes, my heart skipped against my ribcage. It was the little sacred moments in crowded rooms when he couldn’t give me the affection he wanted but still tried to make it known how he felt before separating from me.
Shortly after I closed my eyes, I felt his long fingers trail up the side of my thigh before grabbing my hand from my lap, always breaking his own rule of no touching. He brought it to his lips and kissed the inside of my palm before returning my hand over my thigh. I counted to ten mentally, imagining Ollie kissing me goodbye the way he actually kissed because he was already a fantastic kisser, and I opened my eyes as soon as he turned the corner out of the mess hall.
After switching Ollie’s stained shirt out for a fresh one, I strolled into the last class late and paused under the doorway at the view before me. In front of Ollie, in my chair, was Maddie. Ollie immediately averted his head from me, reluctant to meet my gaze.
Stay With Me (Stay With Me Series Book 1) Page 24