J.
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MORNING arrived and with it a twinge of conscience. Veda had abandoned both the slate carvings and the Jewish music when she had run for the train and, although it was Saturday, and technically now she was off for the weekend, she still felt obliged to contact the Editor and apologise. She put on her jeans and a baggy grey sweater, threw tepid water over her face and went downstairs.
Over breakfast à la continente (a soggy bread roll with a scraping of butter and very strong coffee which smelt of liquorice and burnt toast), Veda failed to marshal her thoughts into a decent excuse. She decided to contact Anthea instead. Engaged. As usual. Veda replaced the receiver and turned away from the booth. Mr Jambres was standing about a yard from her left shoulder, pipe in one hand, huge fat book in the other. There was clearly to be no escape from the choral society and its rehearsal.
Jarrah Jambres, hotelier,
having previously been a conjuror of some repute, is the current proprietor of the Junction Hotel in Jarrow. Following a somewhat tragic episode, he has established himself as President of the local film society and was recently nominated as "Pipeman of the Week" by Pipesmoker's Gazette, a title his position in the community forced him to renounce when the paper's editor asked him to pose naked for the cover with only his pipe as a cover.
Jarrah Jambres, under the working title of The Great Jambres (or Grand Juggler), specialised for fourteen years in the production of large brown hares (and hairs) from black top hats, the ostentatious (and probably welcome) removal of bunched yellow flowers from people's ears and the sawing in quarters of trained assistants until the high cost of the insurance premiums forced him to discontinue this particular act. As The Great Jambres' then assistant and now wife and proprietress of the Junction Hotel had remarked as she left the premises, "They cut his career in half." The forced retirement came as a blow and The Great Jambres spent the next forty-two days staring wistfully at long wooden boxes.
The inevitable breakdown occurred at the funeral of Mrs Jambres' father, a local dignitary of some significance and a former Grand Wizard of the Free Masons1. The coffin containing the worthy man was kept for safe keeping on Jambres' kitchen table. But when the family, led by the undertakers, came to collect it, they found the coffin (constructed from the finest (and very expensive) stripped teak) painted maroon and liberally plastered with orange stars, moons and suns. Worse was to follow. In the church, Jambres went berserk, burst from his restraints and attacked the coffin with a saw shouting his father-in-law had been cut off in his prime and that he, the Great Ozmundo, would rescue the little wiggly pink ones from the wicked Emperor Zorg, a pan-dimensional being of exceptional cunning in the pay of the Free Masons who had manifested himself as a winding sheet and was proceeding to muffle the Grand Wizard's voice.
1 Free Masons - a group of activists established in 1966 with the aim of freeing Benny Mason the Baby Eater of Bromsgrove, who had recently been sent down for life, caught bang to rights and, as it were, red-handed dabbing his still glistening lips with the baby's bonnet, waving a bottle of tabasco sauce and saying "The leg was great but it could have done with a bit more kick", although the Free Masons claimed their man had been framed by a 'pig' with a grudge and a snout in the trough.
Jarrah Jambres was committed to an institution for forty-two weeks. On his release, he and his wife were given a share in the Junction Hotel by an anonymous benefactor. Jarrah Jambres' interest in choral music, conducting and large-scale, often grandiose nineteenth century oratoria began as part of his therapy and has continued unabated, allowing him to secure a sinecure as director of the local choral society. During his course of treatment, Jambres was subjected to no psychiatric or memory tests.
In addition to his hotel and musical interests, Jarrah Jambres studies the behaviour of bats in various cave systems throughout central Europe. His favoured technique is to squat in the opening of such a cavern and squeak whilst wielding a tape recorder on which a reply might be captured. The recording is then analysed and translated into Flemish. Jarrah Jambres is currently studying the lyrics of Eric Clapton's album Journeyman with a view to translating them into Pipistrelle. He is believed by some watchers to be somewhat batty.
The church hall was a forlorn venue. Draughts squeezed through the timber boards, ripped and ragged roof felt let the drizzle drip through the beams, blisters of orange and maroon paint burst from the worm-eaten wooden frames, and the signboard proclaiming
THE PAROCHIAL CHURCH HALL OF ST JAMES THE LESS
Minister : Rev. Adam McAdams, BTheol. MA
Sundays: Morning Prayer 8 am
Parish Eucharist10 am
Evensong 6 pm
was pocked with yellowish dust and brownish mud where it had been used as a target for the local stone- and clod-throwing brigade.
Forty or fifty middle-aged people milled round the hall. A stage at one end supported wooden seats and a fairly battered piano. The members of the choir were helping themselves to refreshments before their rehearsal.
Mr Jambres told Jerboa to look after Veda whilst he went across to the répétiteur (or "pianist") and a gaggle of women demanding decisions on the colour of dresses they would wear for the concert. Jerboa handed Veda a cup of tea and collected for himself a weak solution of orange and water. He was still chattering.
"Of the 1000 to 4000 eggs laid in a season by a female natterjack toad only 5 per cent will survive. The creature is found in the east and north-west of England, in mainly sandy coastal areas, selects shallower ponds in which to spawn and has been legally protected in Britain since 1975."
And
"The urodele, or giant salamander, which lives in the rivers of Japan, and which is related to the common newt, can grow to a metre and a half in length."
And
"The first diesel locomotive ran in 1894 in Hull. The engine was designed by W.D. Priestman and the compression-ignition engine developed by Dr Rudolf Diesel."
And
"The ostrich egg is the largest in the world. It takes forty-two minutes to hard-boil."
Jerboa sipped his orange and eyed Veda curiously. He had removed his anorak to reveal a rust brown polo neck sweater.
"Did you know...?" he began.
Veda felt a headache coming on. Away on the stage, the pianist was settling himself at the keyboard.
"....the proportion of people who drop their 'aitches' at the beginning of words such as 'hedge' is greater in Bradford than in Norwich?" Jerboa slurped another mouthful of juice. "In a recent study, it emerged that, of people who might be designated 'upper working class', the percentage of people who dropped their 'aitches' or 'haitches' was 67 % in Bradford and just 42% in Norwich."
"Jerboa!" Mr Jambres was calling him to join the ranks -
tenors (6)basses (24)
(reedy young men with (stocky, thick-set, white haired sandy hair and watery eyes)gents with claret-gorged veins ridging their noses)
contraltos (32) sopranos (42)
(large-bosomed matronly (twittery, jittery, highly strung
types with handbags as sticks in jumpers and jeans)
capacious as their hairdos)
piano
conductor
"The population of blacks in North America increased from about 2,500 in 1700 to about 100,000 by 1775 and as such far outnumbered the southern whites."
Mr Jambres conducted the warm-up with grandiose right hand flourishes, scales, and arpeggios sung to the words
mi
mimi
mimi
mi meeeeee
muuuuuuuuu
mumu
mumu
mumuuuuu
And a descending yawning F Major scale (pianissimo)
miyaaaaaa
miyaaaaaa
miyaaaaaaa
miyaaaaaaa
miyaaaaaaaa
miyaaaaaaa
miyaaaaaa miyaaaaaaaa
Veda picked up a fat burgundy hardback as the choir went into a profound unison
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
and opened it at the title page. There, in glorious Victorian script,
JACOB'S LADDER
A Sacred Oratorio
by
Sir Joseph Joshua Hubert Grundy, Bart.
copyright 1885 & 1906 Boosey and Co
To the memory of His glorious Majesty
On a sheet attached to the inside cover was a brief biographical note.
Grundy, [Joseph] Joshua Hubert 1854-1896. English composer and conductor, born in Jarrow. Sang in the choir of St John's Church before studying music at Jesus College Cambridge and then RCM where he was a contemporary and friend of C.V. Stanford for whom he played the solo part of the first piano concerto in Oxford's Sheldonian Theatre. Appointed as Master of Musick at St Julian's Collegiate Church, Charing Cross, 1882-94.
When Grundy left the Royal College of Music, he decided to discover the neglected folk music of his native England and set out in 1876 on a tour of Yorkshire, Northumbria, Cumberland and Westmoreland (no longer existing), carrying out extensive research by persuading farmhands and publicans to sing him their songs whilst he wrote notes and words in a form of musical dictation. The discoveries he made led to his foundation of the Jervaulx Festival in 1876. Grundy composed two concerti for violin (for Joseph Joachim, the leading violinist of the age), three for piano, and one each for oboe and clarinet, seven symphonies including "The Vikings" (No. 4) and "Pastoral" (No 5), the oratorios Jacob's Ladder (1885) and Jeremiah (1891), the opera The Jackdaw of Rheims (1876, as a student at the RCM) and church music and anthems including "Jubilate for St David" and "Vespers for Santiago della Compostella", and the dramatic cantata "The Liberation of Genoa 1512". He was knighted in 1893.
Joshua Grundy enjoyed considerable popularity. His works were performed all over the country. Jeremiah was premiered at the Leeds Festival, the "Pastoral" symphony in G major at the Venice Bicenntenial and the second piano concerto in E flat received its first performance in 1887 at the Royal Albert Hall as part of the concert put together for the golden jubilee of Queen Victoria, a concert which included works by Parry, Mendelssohn and Sir Arthur Sullivan. Grundy was such a prominent figure that Richard Wagner visited him at his Kilburn home during his 1877 London visit and wrote enthusiastically about Grundy's Jackdaw of Rheims to his father-in-law Liszt, who, on his last visit to London in 1886, visited "that charming and imaginative (composer) Joshua Grundy" to play his "variations on the jackdaw theme" (a series of 42 variations for piano, now, unfortunately, lost). Grundy visited Bayreuth twice, the second time for Wagner's funeral in 1883.
However, whilst he was feted in Europe, Grundy suffered a waning of interest at home in his large-scale choral works, in the grandiose often florid cadences, the solid linear counterpointing and dramatic gestures. The hitherto steady stream of performances and commissions slowly dried up and when tragedy struck in January 1895, Grundy was out of favour. The mysterious fire which blazed through St Julian's Church on the night of January 25th not only destroyed the building, but most of the manuscripts of Grundy's work. He never spoke a word again. He sank into bankruptcy, his health declined and, before he was committed to an Islington insane asylum, he was reported as "lurking on Hampstead Heath, all unshaven and unkempt, a rogue and a vagabond, smelling of spirits and eating soil." Joshua Grundy took his own life in March 1896, aged forty-two, when he drowned himself in a bathtub. His house at Kilburn now contains the offices of an insurance firm.
"And the Lord yielded to his entrrreaty," Jambres bawled in an off-key tune, "And Rebecca conceived. And the Lord... said..." A majestic sweep of the arm
Basses
tions in your womb ........... "
"Twoooo na
Tenors tions in your womb ........... "
"Twoooo na
Altos tions in your womb ........... "
"Twoooo na
Sops tions in your womb ........... "
"Twoooo na
The fugue rattled along ("Two nations in your womb, two nations, two na-a-a-a-ations, two na-a-a-ations in your womb, two people, two people, two peo-eo-eo-eo-eople, two people, shall go their ow-ow-ow-own, their own ways, shall go their own ways from the time of their birth, their birth, the ti-i-i-i--i-me
UNISONof their
biiiirrrrrr- th")