Stuart shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d be disappointed, I guess? I’d rather explore it with you. If the choice was between doing it on my own and losing you…”
“You’d be willing to compromise on that?”
“I’d try,” Stuart said with a small sigh. “Knowing it wasn’t a secret between us would help. That’s been stressing me out a lot. I do worry that long-term it might not be a good choice. Not being able to share it with you, I mean.”
Malcolm nodded. “I’d worry about that, too. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t know that I can answer that question at this point. I have no idea how I’d feel about you wearing them. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of it. One minute, I was convinced you were cheating on me and now I know you aren’t, but I have absolutely no idea about a kink like this.” He shrugged, worry etched across his face.
“No, I get that. That’s how I felt about you telling me you were demisexual,” Stuart said. “I needed time for it to all settle in my mind and be sure I understood it.”
“Of course.” Malcolm sounded grateful. “And, hey, we’re still figuring that out.”
“Yeah, we are.” Some of the lingering tension eased out of Stuart at the reminder. They’d already dealt with big issues together and were stronger for it. Maybe this could be another one. He could only hope. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push you or anything.”
“I know.”
“I’ll give you as much time as you need.”
“Thanks.”
“Would you lie down with me?” Stuart asked. “It would be nice if we could just hold each other while we talk, if you’re okay with that.”
“Yes.” Malcolm gave him a small smile.
When they were stretched out on the bed full-length with their heads next to each other on a pillow, another wave of tension ebbed from Stuart’s body. Touching Malcolm like this helped. “Do you have any other questions?”
“Probably.” Malcolm looked a bit unsure, but he twined their fingers together on the bed between them.
“You don’t know what to ask or how?” Stuart guessed.
“Yeah.”
“Why don’t you just blurt out whatever pops into your head first and we’ll go from there.”
“Okay.” Malcolm hesitated for a moment. “How did you realize you were into this in the first place?”
Stuart turned onto his back, unable to look Malcolm in the eye as he said this aloud. He didn’t let go of Malcolm’s hand. “Um, this is embarrassing, but for as long as I could remember, I’ve been fascinated by women’s underwear,” he mumbled. His face felt hot as Malcolm draped an arm across Stuart’s chest, bringing their joined hands to rest against Stuart’s side. The weight of his arm anchored Stuart. He stared up at the ceiling.
“I was really into the feel of the fabrics when I saw them at the store. It’s not like most of it was even fancy or lacy. It was pretty utilitarian stuff for the most part but something about it intrigued me. Sometimes, we’d go to the bigger department stores and my mom would shop for nightgowns. Just the sight of the lingerie section made me feel all…” He struggled with how to put it into words. “It made me feel hot all over and when I got a little older, I’d get an erection if I brushed my arm against something with silk or lace.”
“Interesting.”
Stuart finally turned his head. “Is that good interesting or bad interesting? Are you horrified by all this?”
“I’m not horrified,” Malcolm said. He gently petted Stuart’s chest. “It’s not like I’m unaware of kinks and fetishes. God knows Jesse, Cam and Kyle aren’t shy about talking about all sorts of things. I just don’t have any personal experience with them and I’m trying to absorb it all. I’m barely turned on by people—being turned on by an inanimate object isn’t easy to wrap my brain around.”
Stuart chuckled. “I can understand that.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Malcolm’s forehead.
“So you realized the underwear were a turn-on pretty early?”
“Yes. It didn’t occur to me that I wanted to wear them at first. I assumed I was into the idea of women wearing them.”
“Sure, that makes sense.” Malcolm paused. “Do you think it has something to do with being Mormon? I mean, there’s a big emphasis on underwear, right?”
“You mean the temple garments that Mormons wear? Maybe. I have considered the connection before,” Stuart said. “The temple garments are basically a white undershirt and boxer briefs so the idea of something that’s made of black lace does seem far more taboo and exciting by comparison. I don’t know for sure.”
“I was just curious.”
“It’s an interesting theory,” Stuart said. He tucked that idea away for later to consider more. “I was a teenager when I finally realized that I wanted to wear lingerie.” Stuart looked at the ceiling again. He’d never been this open with anyone before. “One of my sisters had a non-Mormon friend from college spend the night once. I went into the bathroom after she’d taken a shower. I found a pair of her panties on the floor. I remember they were purple. Silky with lace trim. They must have fallen out of her bag or something. I knew I shouldn’t, but I grabbed them and stuffed them in my pocket. I figured she’d be too embarrassed at losing them to ask where they were. I remember lying in my bed that night, wrapping them around myself and jerking off. I’d never felt anything like it before.”
“Wow.”
Stuart smiled faintly at the ceiling. “I did that for at least a week. I’d wash them off in the bathroom sink and hide them in the back of my closet when I wasn’t using them. Then one night, I was home alone. My sisters were both out and so were my parents and in the middle of jerking off, I got this urge to put them on. My hands were shaking as I slid them up over my hips. I was so hard and…” He gulped, feeling his cock begin to rise just thinking about it. “I’ve been wearing stuff like that ever since. When I was able to, anyway.”
“Could I see?”
Stuart looked over at Malcolm wide-eyed. “See?” Did Malcolm mean what Stuart thought he did?
“The lingerie? Not you in them. Not yet. I’m curious to see what you own, if you’re okay sharing?”
“Uh, sure.” So, no, not quite what Stuart had thought but a good first step. “Come here.”
Stuart got out of bed and held a hand out to Malcolm. Together, they went to the dresser and Stuart knelt beside it. Malcolm copied the motion, albeit more slowly. Stuart’s hands shook as he slid the drawer open to reveal the pile of soft, silky fabrics, many of them edged in lace.
“May I?” Malcolm reached toward them, then paused, his hand a few inches from the fabric.
Stuart nodded. He watched, heart in his throat, as Malcolm lifted several of the pieces up, inspecting them closely.
“They’re soft.” Malcolm rubbed a black silky pair between his fingertips. “I can see why you would like that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, definitely.” Malcolm offered him a smile. “I like textures, too. That part I know I’d be into.”
“That’s a good starting point,” Stuart said, his voice hoarse. Could Malcolm actually be open-minded enough to explore this with him? Stuart wanted it so badly he could hardly think straight. He didn’t want to push Malcolm, though.
“I used to like seeing Liz wearing lingerie.”
Stuart blinked. Malcolm so rarely shared anything sexual or about his ex-girlfriend. This was good. He liked Malcolm opening up. And it was an encouraging sign that he didn’t seem to see much difference between the idea of Liz wearing lingerie and Stuart doing it.
“Do you wear bras?” Malcolm continued.
“No, that’s never been my thing,” Stuart said. “Um, panties and stockings and garters mostly. Bras feel weird and I don’t really find them sexy.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to look feminine,” Stuart blurted out. “I mean, I don’t want to wear makeup or anything or be feminized—not that there’s anything wrong with that�
�it’s just…”
“Not you?”
“Exactly. I like that I’m a big, kinda hairy guy with a shitload of ink. I like that contrast with the underwear and—” Jesus, Stuart needed to stop talking before he really freaked Malcolm out. “Anyway, what’s in here is the extent of it.”
“Okay,” Malcolm said. “I can work with that. I mean, it’s something I’m willing to explore with you. I don’t know how I’ll feel about you wearing them, but I’ll give it a try.”
“So, we’re okay?” Stuart croaked, hardly daring to dream that Malcolm might understand even a little.
“Yeah, we’re okay.” Malcolm smiled at him. “Let’s take it one step at a time. I want to be with you, Stuart. And if that means figuring this out with you”—he held up a scrap of black lace and let it fall back into the drawer—“then I want to do that.”
“Thank you.” Stuart let out a sigh of relief that went clear down to his toes. He wrapped his arms around Malcolm and buried his head against his neck. His eyes stung with gratitude and love as Malcolm pulled him closer. “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. God, I love you, Malcolm.”
“I love you, too.” Malcolm pressed a kiss to his hair. The words sent a pulse of relief through Stuart’s body. It occurred to him that this was only the second time they’d said those words to each other. And the first time they had both been panicking. “We’ll figure this out. Together. I promise.”
And for the first time, Stuart believed that might actually be true. Someone might really love him enough to accept every part of who he was.
Chapter Nineteen
Malcolm ran a hand over Stuart’s hair. “We should probably eat.”
“Not moving,” Stuart muttered. “Too comfortable.”
And hiding a little, Malcolm thought. He was struck by the seeming role reversal. Shyness was something Stuart so rarely showed. Not that Malcolm blamed him. Spilling a secret so big and complicated after literal decades of hiding had been gut wrenching, even to witness. Throw in the almost tortured nature of Stuart’s past relationships, especially with Becky and…well, Malcolm’s heart hurt for Stuart just thinking about it.
Now though, he bit his lip against a smile when Stuart’s stomach rumbled loudly.
“Jeez.” This time, he rubbed Stuart’s back. “C’mon.”
“Nope.” Amusement colored Stuart’s voice as he sprawled even farther over Malcolm, using the weight of his body to press him deeper into the mattress.
Malcolm couldn’t help his groan. Stuart knew he liked being held down. Knew he liked a mouth on his neck too, and already, Malcolm’s body was warm and thrumming. He swallowed a gasp when Stuart skimmed a hand along his ribs. Damn, he’d learned how to push all of Malcolm’s buttons, some Malcolm had never even known he had. As much as Malcolm loved connecting with Stuart physically, he didn’t feel right doing so now. Not when he knew there was still air to clear.
Moving one hand from around Stuart’s shoulder, he slid it between them, so it rested against Stuart’s chest then pushed, careful to keep the moment gentle. The last thing he wanted was for Stuart to feel rejected, and he knew his concern was valid when Stuart stiffened. Quickly, Malcolm pressed a kiss against his temple and used the arm still wrapped around Stuart to squeeze him tight.
“I’d like to talk some more,” he said with another kiss, “and I think maybe you do, too. Also, I’d like it if you ate something so you’re not tempted to eat my face while I sleep.”
The laugh that rolled out of Stuart softened his tense muscles. “All right.” Maneuvering onto his side, he propped his head on his elbow and while Malcolm missed the warmth and closeness, he’d needed to see Stuart’s face again. Especially since Stuart’s gaze kept skittering around the room like he wasn’t sure where to focus.
Malcolm reached for Stuart’s hand and twined their fingers together. “It’s still okay if I ask questions, right?”
“Shit. Of course, it’s okay.” That worried line worked its way between Stuart’s eyebrows. “I want to hear them.”
“Okay. So why do you look like you’re about to throw up?”
“Maybe because I still can’t believe you’re here after everything. Especially after the way you found out about the underwear.”
“That sucked—I won’t lie about that.” Malcolm shared a wince with Stuart. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thanks.” Stuart drew a deep breath in through his nose and sighed. “I guess I needed to hear that.”
“I get it.”
“I know you do.” A thoughtful expression crossed his face. “And even when you don’t get it, you try.”
“I figure that’s sort of the point of relationships. Romantic and otherwise.” Malcolm sat up and tugged Stuart’s hand until he followed suit. “Being there for one another. Learning about who we are. You’ve done a lot of work to figure out how to make a go of it with me, Stuart, and I want to do the same.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Stuart leaned in and brushed a kiss across Malcolm’s lips. “And I’m really glad that you’re still here.”
There were more kisses before they finally clambered out of bed and Malcolm stayed close as Stuart arranged a simple meal of cheeses, cured meats and fruit. Malcolm tasked himself with slicing bread, but set the knife down when he remembered one of the reasons he’d been so eager to talk to Stuart earlier in the day.
“I totally forgot to tell you—my mom got a job.”
Stuart’s jaw dropped. “Damn, I meant to ask you how it went. So lunch was good, I take it?”
“It was great,” Malcolm said. “We talked—like, really talked—about Mom’s money problems and her behavior and how she wants to do right by Jack and me. Honestly, it felt like the first truly adult conversation we’ve had in a couple of years.”
“That’s fantastic.” Stuart gave him a huge smile. “Congratulations!”
Malcolm snorted out a laugh and went back to slicing bread. “I didn’t do anything. Mom’s the one who did all the hard work this time.”
They set up another picnic on the braided rug by Stuart’s bed and chatted about Kim and the Kinship Fund, which naturally led to talk of Will and David’s involvement.
“I can’t believe David’s planning to leave office,” Stuart said. He set his empty plate down, a slight frown on his face, and Malcolm cocked his head
“I thought you disapproved of his Republican-ness?”
“Oh, I do. David’s a good man, though. Committed to doing what he believes are the right things for people and making their lives better. I liked knowing he was fighting the good fight from inside the GOP.”
“He opened up a lot of people’s opinions and minds,” Malcolm said, “inside and outside of the Senate.”
“And that right there is what I mean.” Stuart ran a hand over his beard. “I also hate to think his seat could go to someone who doesn’t have the best interests of people like us at heart. The next senator from District Eight may not care about our community the way David does.”
“I’ve never considered it that way.” Malcolm fixed his eyes on his socked feet. “In a way, I’m still getting used to the idea of being a part of the LGBTQIA community. Not everyone believes people like me have a place there.”
“People who are on the ace spectrum, you mean?”
“Yes. Being with you changed everything, of course.”
Stuart chuckled. “Relationships with the gays will do that.”
Malcolm smiled in reply. The changes in him ran deeper than a simple switch from dating women to dating men. Malcolm had fallen in love with a man—this man—and couldn’t imagine his life without Stuart in it. And that thought shifted Malcolm’s focus from the tips of his toes to the bottom drawer of Stuart’s dresser.
Malcolm had meant what he’d said—he wasn’t going anywhere. If they were in this for the long haul, though, he needed to figure out how Stuart’s kink figured into their relationship. Or if Stuart had other secrets that needed te
lling.
“I meant what I said.”
Stuart’s careful tone caught Malcolm’s attention, and his expression was sober when Malcolm turned his way. “What do you mean?”
“It’s okay to ask questions about my kink.” Stuart tipped his head toward the dresser. “Since you were trying to burn a hole through that thing with your eyes for almost a minute, I’m guessing you’ve been thinking about what’s in it.”
Malcolm smiled. “You’re right, I have. But I also wondered if there was anything else you’re keeping from me.”
“Anything else?” Stuart’s brow furrowed.
“Secrets. Things you’re not saying because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Malcolm drew his knees in so he could sit crossed legged. “When I found the…well, your underwear, my first instinct was to assume you’d been with somebody else. There’s stuff I need to unpack there, but a big reason is because you’d lied to me before about not telling the speakeasy guys about my money problems.
“You weren’t the only one bending the truth,” he hastened to add when Stuart bit out a curse. “I gave you all kinds of bullshit reasons for not going out because I didn’t want you to know I was broke.”
“Not really the same thing, Mal.”
“Maybe. The result was the same, though—we weren’t truthful with each other. Some of my reaction today was about me, but a bigger part was about the lying. I don’t want that for either of us. Suspicion and hiding things from each other—”
“—the way I hid things from Becky,” Stuart cut in. His words sent Malcolm’s stomach tumbling to the floor.
“I wasn’t going to say that.”
“I believe you.” Stuart’s expression was grim. “I’m saying it. I did lie and hide things from my ex. I’m not going to do that anymore. We won’t do that to each other, okay?” He fell silent a moment, then frowned even more. “What did you mean when you said some of your reaction today was about you?”
“Oh.” Malcolm grimaced. “I don’t know if I want to talk about that right now.”
“Malcolm, I think you should.” Stuart ran a hand up and down Malcolm’s arm. “What did you mean?”
Straight Up Page 27