"Thank you," I said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. He nodded and took a step back.
We dropped Sophie off at her house and dropped Lucas's car at mine so we could go for a walk. I needed the fresh air to clear my head. He took my hand as we walked along the path. It was a gorgeous, warm morning and for the first time in ages I was looking forward to the day.
"So, how was it last night?"
"It was really good."
"Did you get drunk?"
I winced. "Yeah, a bit. I was nowhere near as bad as Sophie, though."
"Did Kai look after you?" I nodded. Where was this going? "You're pretty close, aren't you?"
"Yeah, he's a good friend." I watched him closely. His face was emotionless, blue eyes flat. I had no idea what he was thinking.
"I'm glad he was there for you," he said, smiling. It was a genuine smile, too.
We turned the corner and I froze, realising where we were. Lucas looked up and then back to me. "Are you okay? Do you want to go?" His voice sounded so far away.
Everything inside me hurt, I could barely breathe it was so painful. I could feel the water rising, lapping around my face, threatening to take me under.
Why did I come here? Those six words crushed me every time: In loving memory of Simon Pennells.
Chapter Thirty
Lucas
She stood so still and stared at his grave. I wish I had known where we were walking. "Tegan, baby, come on." I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms securely around her. "Do you want to go home?" I felt her nodding weakly against me chest. I took her face in my hands and kissed her forehead. She didn't look upset. She looked empty. I wasn't sure which one I prefered.
The walk back to her house was silent. I had so many questions but I wasn't sure where to start. "Do you think you should see a counsellor?" I asked.
Her grip on my hand loosened a fraction. "No."
I do. "They might be able to help."
"Will talking to someone bring my dad back?"
"Well, no, of course it-"
"Then it won't help."
"They can help you deal with it, babe."
"I am dealing with it, so please drop it."
"Tegan, I think-"
She shook her head. "No. Drop it. I don't want to talk, not to anyone so can we just forget it, go back to mine and watch a film."
Sighing, I caved in. "Yeah, we can do that." I couldn't help taking her not wanting to open up personally. She was my girlfriend, she should want to let me in and let me help her. But I wasn't going to give up; I cared about her too much to let her do this on her own.
Not knowing how to handle her right now, I followed her lead, watched a film and sat up when it finished and she untangled herself from me.
"Let's go out. You're not here for much longer and I want us to have fun."
"Where do you want to go?" I said, kissing her cheek, "And please don't say to the zoo."
She laughed and looked up at me in the mirror. "What if I wanted to go to the zoo?"
"Then I'd take you, I guess. But how about dinner and a movie?"
"Sounds perfect to me. I don't know what's on, though."
I shrugged. "Doesn't matter." We weren't going to pay a whole lot of attention to it anyway.
***
"Do you want to eat there?" I said, pointing towards a little restaurant off the main street.
"No!" she snapped and pulled me in a different direction. What was that all about? There was something, or someone, in there that she was avoiding and it bothered the shit out of me.
"Let's go here." She pointed to a Pizza Hut just up the road. It wasn't quite what I had in mind but at least it wasn't somewhere with tiny portions that left you hungry ten minutes later.
We were immediately seated in a small red booth. I reached over and held her hand. Time for more difficult questions. "Why didn't you want to go to the other restaurant? What's wrong with it?"
She gulped and her eyes emptied of what little emotion was left. "We went there for my sixteenth. Dad made a big speech and gave me this." She held up the heart charm on her necklace. I had looked at it before, engraved on the back in small letters were the words a daughter is a gift of love.
I nodded and squeezed her hand. Shit, now I felt like an arsehole for asking. "Do you want to talk about your dad?"
"I... I think so." Her voice was barely a whisper and her eyes looked so sad. She took a deep breath and let go of my hand. "I don't really know what to say, Luke."
I shuffled round and pulled her into my arms. "You miss him and that's okay. That's normal. You don't have to shut yourself off, you're allowed to feel however it is you feel."
"I wish I could have just one more minute with him. Just sixty seconds so I can tell him I love him." Her voice broke and I watched her focus hard. She took a long, deep breath and clamped her mouth together. She was good at keeping her emotions in check; I'd give her that.
That was sort of the problem, though. How long before she lost that control and it all poured out? I was fairly certain that it wasn't going to be pretty when it happened, which was why I was trying to get her to do it gradually now. I felt like I was trying to run underwater, though.
"You alright?" I asked, willing her to just let it out and shed a tear - to do something.
Leaning up, she kissed me. "Yeah, I'm fine. Are you having a starter?" I'd lost the chance again.
I moved back to my seat through dinner and Tegan acted like normal. There was no trace of the girl that was just sad over her dad's death. I didn't know how she was able to do it. I don't think I would be strong enough to lock something like that away. But perhaps it wasn't about strength; perhaps it was more about desperation.
"Have you thought anymore about sixth form?" I asked.
She picked up a slice of pizza. "Not really," she said, looking at the table, avoiding eye contact.
"You've not missed that much. You could catch up pretty quickly if that's what you're worried about? I can help you."
"It's not that. Everyone knows what happened and I can't stand people feeling sorry for me."
"Tegan, it's something you want to do, you can't let other people stop you. They're your friends so of course they're sympathetic. It's not a bad thing." Her eyebrow kicked up, telling me that to her it was a bad thing.
She thought for a minute and just when I assumed she was about to tell me to drop that too, she nodded. "Will you come with me to talk to the head of sixth form tomorrow?"
I almost fell off my chair. Her shutting me down I was prepared for, her agreeing with me I was not.
"Yeah, of course I'll go with you," I replied, unable to keep the smile off my face. It was a step in the right direction.
After dinner we went back to hers because she didn't feel like going to the cinema anymore. I was relieved because after today I was pretty beat.
"So what did you want to do instead of the cinema?" I asked, lying back on her bed. God, it felt good to be lying down.
She had a mischievous smile as she got on the bed. What's she up to? Her leg swung over and then she was straddling me. "Hmm," I said, gripping her thighs. "I like this plan."
Leaning over she kissed me, staying just within reach. I wanted to kiss her hard and deep and make us both forget our fucking names but she was playing.
"Stop teasing." I said as she lightly brushed her lips over mine again. I could just grab her and flip her over but I was very interested to find out what she was up to.
She sat up and yanked her top over her head. "No more going slow," she said, reaching for the zip on my jeans.
Chapter Thirty-One
Tegan
Lucas laid me back on the bed, kissing me the whole time. His lips left mine for about two seconds when I removed his shirt and that was it. He'd kissed me a lot before but this was different.
Lucas kissed down my neck at the same time he ran his hand over my stomach and hips. It was like he wanted to touch every single part of me, not that I ha
d any complaints.
"Luke," I whispered when he entered me so slowly I thought I was going to pass out from the feeling. Lucas made me feel safe again. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and tangled my fingers in his hair.
He groaned against my collarbone and then kissed me, dipping his tongue in my mouth. It felt so good. I bit down on his lip as he moved faster and that made him go harder.
"God, Tegan," he murmured into my mouth, curling his arms under my back and held me tight against him. He was all around me, literally, and in that moment I was completely with him.
He was softer, gentler with me than anyone else and even though I didn't want to claw at him it was perfect and intimate and just how I needed it to be.
I came apart, clutching his body and kissing him until long after we were spent.
***
I woke up alone, again. I really needed to talk to Mum about that. I didn't want to sleep in separate rooms. Logically I knew that at seventeen Mum was well within her right to say no, but I also knew it wouldn't be that hard to get her to agree.
Right now I had something else to worry about: school. I knew there would be questions and looks. I didn't want anyone to talk to me about the accident. That was inevitable though, so I had to find a way to deal with it or ignore it.
I'd called school and spoken to the head of Sixth Form, Mrs Baker. She was also my old English teacher who had been promoted over the summer holidays and was now in charge of helping a bunch of sixteen and seventeen-year-olds prepare for university. Mrs Baker was also the one that had phoned regularly and spoken to Mum about getting me to go back.
I got dressed and put on some make-up, trying to calm the churning in my stomach. I didn't do much to my face because I never used to and I didn't want to stand out anymore than I already would.
Once I was ready I went downstairs to eat something. Mum, Ava and Lucas hung over me as I ate and shoved my phone in my bag. It made me more nervous that they were nervous. Missing so much time had put me behind and apparently if I waited just another couple weeks I'd have to defer until next year. That I didn't want to do. Being a year behind all my friends, if they were still talking to me after I stopped talking to them, would suck.
"Good luck," Mum said, again, as I was about to walk out of the door.
I needed that luck. I just hoped that my friends would take the hint and appreciate that I didn't want to talk. "I will," I replied, brushing past as I felt her about to hug me. I couldn't let her hug me.
Lucas was taking me, because I couldn't possibly make the five-minute walk alone, so I got in his car and waited for him to follow. Honestly though, I kind of loved that he wanted to be there for me.
"In a rush?" he asked as he got in the driver side and started the engine.
"Just want to get it over with."
He smiled tightly. What now? The ride to school was done in silence. I could practically see about a million questions flying through his mind. It was only a matter of time before he started pushing harder for answers I wasn't even sure I had. He made things easier but at the same time he made it ten times harder.
"You ready to go in?" he asked as we stopped outside on the road.
"Yeah," I said, shaking my head no.
Laughing quietly, he replied, "It'll be fine. I'll wait here until you get out."
"Thank you," I said, opening the door. "You can come wait inside, though."
I took a deep breath and got out of the car and Lucas followed. He grabbed my hand as we walked to the building.
"Tegan," Josie and Laura called, running over to me from across the courtyard.
"Hey," I managed to get out as they attacked me in a huge, bone-crushing hug.
"You're coming back?" Josie asked.
I nodded and that brought on another round of hugging. Guess they didn't hate me for cutting them off when Dad died then.
Laura nodded to Luke. He stood just behind me with his hands shoved in his pockets. "This is my boyfriend. Lucas, these are my friends, Josie and Laura."
They exchanged a quick hello and then I had to get to my appointment.
I led Lucas into the Sixth Form building and headed to Mrs Baker's office. There were seats outside so Luke sat down and grinned up at me. He looked proud and although I liked that it felt loaded. If he was proud of me I could let him down and I didn't need that responsibility.
"Tegan, welcome back," Mrs Baker said, opening the door. She stepped aside and let me in. I didn't look back at Lucas because I couldn't handle it right now. I already felt the weight of not disappointing him, something that would probably happen eventually, crushing me.
She sat at her scratched-to—hell desk and I sat on the faded red chair opposite.
"How have you been?" she asked, tilting her head.
Seriously, if I had a pound for every time I'd heard that...
"I'm doing okay," I replied. "I'd like to start back as soon as possible. Do you think my teachers would give me the work I missed?" I asked.
She smiled, pushing her bleached blonde hair behind her ears. "We're getting straight to it, I see." Yeah, I didn't want sympathetic small talk. "Of course we can arrange to get you the missed work. Catching up isn't going to be easy. I've compiled a list of what you'd need to do and it's a lot. We're all behind you though, and I have no doubt that you can do it. Now because you've missed so much I suggest you drop one subject now and stick with the three you want to take through to A level. That's Psychology and taking Music, English Literature and Sociology, yes?"
I nodded. I still wasn't sure on Music. A few months ago that was the only one I was one hundred per cent sure of. Something was forcing me to stick with it and I liked to think it was Dad.
"Alright. Well, it's half term break next week so why don't I get you some work posted to your house to complete over the break and can come back the Monday after with whatever you've completed."
This was getting real.
I licked my lips. "Okay."
"Now, your first period is free so if you come straight here Monday morning we'll use that hour to go through everything that you may still need to do."
"Thank you."
"You're very welcome, Tegan. I can't tell you how pleased we all are that you've decided to come back. You're a bright young girl and it'd be a shame to see that potential go to waste."
I didn't feel bright, capable or full of potential, not anymore.
"Thanks," I repeated, not really knowing what else to say.
She nodded and clapped her hands together. "Well, we'll see you on Monday then."
I stood up. "You will."
"Have a good weekend, Tegan."
"You, too."
I left as quickly as I could so I wouldn't change my mind. Lucas was on his feet the second I opened the door.
"That was quick," he said.
"Yep. Going back on Monday."
"That's great," he said like it was the answer to all my problems. If he thought that was suddenly going to make everything alright again he was going to be hugely disappointed. I already felt like I'd let him down.
***
"You guys ready?" Jake asked, tapping his foot on the floor.
"Yes!" I replied, squirming as Lucas kissed my neck. Me, Lucas, Jake, Grace and Ava were going to Robbie and Gino's pub. Kai, Holly and James were going to be there, too, so it was guaranteed to be a good night.
"Bella!" Gino shouted as I walked through the door. God, I loved that man.
"Hey, Gino."
I hugged James and Holly while Lucas, Jake, Grace and Ava sat at the bar ordering drinks. Jake and Grace liked me about as much as Ava did. They put up with me but I could see in their eyes they wanted Lucas to run. He probably should.
"Where's Kai?" I asked.
"Pissing," James replied.
I turned my nose up. "Lovely. Thanks."
James shrugged and walked off to the pool table.
"Want to play doubles?" Holly asked, nodding to the table.
&n
bsp; "Um, in a minute I will." Probably shouldn't leave everyone five seconds after walking through the door.
"Okay," she said and walked over to James.
I turned around just as Kai came out of the bathroom. He smiled and winked as he saw me. I felt like I could breathe again. There was at least one person that wasn't actively trying to change me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kai
I walked out of the bathroom and my eyes instantly fell on Tegan - like fucking always. She looked stunning - like fucking always. I couldn't believe she was self-conscious about how she looked. But I knew what it was like to be so broken you didn't feel there was anything good about yourself anymore.
She looked up and smiled. Yeah, just friends isn't enough.
I walked over and pulled her into my arms, giving her a friendly hug, just as I'd done with Holly. Her petite body pressed against mine and I wanted to groan. I didn't get to touch her nearly as much as I wanted to or where I really wanted to.
Lucas looked less than pleased that I'd given her a hug. It lasted a second and he was the one that got to take her to bed - he could sit the fuck down!
He had no idea how bloody lucky he was. Although I knew she liked him - and she thought she loved him - he wasn't good for her. He didn't understand how lost and angry she was right now. Hell, Tegan barely understood it. I'd wanted to ask her out, properly, about two seconds after meeting her but I knew straight away how broken she was. I could see it in her empty green eyes, feel it in the way she forced a smile on her face.
I'd been there and I knew distractions were the only way you coped and no one could fix you but yourself. If I'd steamed in there like him and tried to make everything better I'd have doomed us from the start.
She clearly wasn't ready to deal with it yet and Lucas trying to 'help' her do it was only going to screw him over in the long run. He had her now but I'd rather have her forever.
Ava and Jake had sat down either side of Lucas on the bench. I wasn't sure if they were picking sides but if they were they'd just made a big mistake - the only place for Tegan was now next to me.
"I'm starting sixth form on the Monday after the break," she said.
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