“Screw you. I’m a great mother.”
“And there you go again, shooting the messenger.” Buckling his belt, he said, “I don’t want to argue in front of Corbin, so I’m going to leave now. Would you like me to take him with me so you can have some time to yourself?”
Her arms snapped out like a praying mantis, jerking Corbin off his feet and into her embrace. “Don’t you fucking dare. You’ve had your turn. He’s staying right here with me.”
“Because that’s what’s best for him?”
“Damn right it is!”
Lawrence stared at her, his expression unreadable, but didn’t reply. Bending, his hands on his knees, he looked down at Corbin. “See you later, buddy.”
“Daddy?” asked Corbin, extending his arm. Kate snatched it back and Lawrence cocked his head, dark eyes meeting hers. Straightening, he said, “Goodbye, Kate.”
She didn’t reply. He eyed her a moment longer, then turned and walked away.
“Daddy!” Corbin called, wriggling in her arms. She clutched him tighter, her embrace a straitjacket. She heard the door close and Lawrence’s car start up, the revs fading as he drove off. Corbin stopped squirming and she loosened her grip, resting her buttocks on her heels. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of his body against her skin, until his chest heaved as he drew a stuttering breath and she realised he was crying.
TWENTY-SEVEN
When Kate pulled into the carpark of the Mountain View Early Learning Centre the following Thursday, Corbin refused to get out of the car.
“No daycare,” he said, arms folded across his chest.
“Come on, Corbin.” She felt him stiffen beneath her, bracing against his seat. “All your friends will be there. Don’t you want to see your friends?”
He shook his head.
“What about Jackson? I’m pretty sure he comes on Thursdays. Don’t you want to play with Jackson?”
Corbin paused, looking thoughtful, then shook his head again.
Kate sighed, placed a hand in the middle of her back and stretched. A stiff westerly blew, grey clouds sliding overhead, moving fast. The first day of spring might have come and gone, but it seemed the message hadn’t got through to the high-country. “Okay, hun, how about this? What if Mummy comes in with you? Would you like that?”
Corbin stared at her, brows knitted. “Mummy play?”
She nodded, smiling. “Uh-huh.”
“Kay,” he said, the frown disappearing, and he slipped out of his seat.
Well, that was easy, she thought, helping him from the car, holding his hand as they walked up the path. Inside the cloak-room, she removed his hat and jacket and put them in his bag while he selected a cubby-hole, then led him into the play-room. Kiri saw them and approached, brown eyes bright, her lips glistening beneath a fresh coat of ruby lipstick. Kate felt a twinge of jealousy.
“Morena, Corbin,” said Kiri, bending down to him. “Come with me and we’ll wave goodbye to Mummy from the window.”
“It’s okay,” said Kate, “I’m going to stay with him for a while.”
“Really?” asked Kiri, eyes widening. She checked herself, blinking, then flashed a smile, revealing a red smudge on her teeth. “Great, he’ll love that.”
Kate felt a tug on her hand, and with a short nod to Kiri she followed Corbin to a nearby table, spattered with multicoloured globs of playdough. Two other children were seated at the table, squishing dough between their fingers, and Kate lowered herself into a child-sized seat next to them, Corbin at her side.
“What shall we make?” she asked him.
“Dinodaur!” he said, throwing his hands in the air and growling.
“Of course,” said Kate, ruffling his hair. “What else? Here — I’ll do the body and you do the legs.”
She selected a lump of purple dough, pinching four smaller lumps off it and sliding them towards Corbin. She rolled the bigger lump beneath her palm, showing him how to do the same.
They had made something that vaguely resembled a body with four legs when she saw Tracy enter the play-room with Hayley. Kate waved and Tracy strolled towards them, Hayley following. “Morning, Trace,” Kate said. “How are you?”
Tracy cocked her head, raising one eyebrow. “Better than you, by the looks of it.”
“Oh, come on,” said Kate, frowning. “Is it that obvious?”
“That you look like shit?” Tracy pulled out a chair and sat next to her, while Hayley grabbed a ball of dough, mashing it in her palm.
“Doh,” said Hayley, beaming, showing Tracy her handiwork.
“I know, sweetie. Your favourite,” said Tracy.
Kate reached into her handbag and took out her compact. “We were in such a hurry this morning I didn’t have time for make-up.” Flipping the lid, she looked in the mirror. Tracy was right, she did look like shit. The skin around her eyes was dark and saggy and her brow was lined with wrinkles. Her hair was a mess, stray ends tangled and flying, taking on lives of their own. She snapped the lid shut and gave a brittle smile. “Plus I’ve barely slept all week.”
“Why’s that? You been gettin’ hot an’ heavy with Evan?”
“I wish,” said Kate, sighing. “He dumped me.” Corbin handed her a ball of dough and she attached it to the dinosaur’s body, pinching it to form a snout. “Now he needs a tail.” Corbin nodded and got to work on another glob.
“What? Why?” asked Tracy.
“I told him I loved him.”
Tracy snorted. “You didn’t!”
Kate nodded. “I did.”
“What on earth possessed you to do that?”
“I was horny. We went snowboarding and were having such a great day. I…” She hesitated, wondering how much detail to go into. It was Tracy, after all — no matter how gory her description, Tracy wouldn’t judge. Shrugging, she continued in a conspiratorial whisper, leaning closer. “I gave him some head and it just kind of… popped out.”
To her surprise Tracy burst into laughter, a witch’s cackle, head raised to the ceiling. “You gave him a BJ and then told him you loved him? Kate, you’re hilarious.”
“Shhh! You don’t need to tell everyone.” Kate scowled, a finger raised to her lips.
“Oh, come on, you’ve got to admit that’s pretty funny. What happened then?”
“I told you, he dumped me.”
“What, right away?”
“Pretty much. He completely flipped out. Now he won’t even talk to me.”
Tracy shook her head, grinning. “Pity — he was hot. So, back to the batteries then, is it?”
“Not exactly,” said Kate, curling her lip. “I sort-of had sex with Lawrence on Sunday.”
“Wow!” said Tracy, jerking her head back. “You really have been busy. I thought you hated his guts.”
“So did I.”
Tracy stared at Kate, her smile gone. “And now you don’t?”
“I don’t know what I think. We had an argument afterwards. He said I was a bad mother.”
“Oh, Kate, you’re not a bad mum.”
“Aren’t I?” she said. “Since I found out about Lawrence, everything I’ve done…it’s all… I was only thinking about myself. Corbin barely came into the picture.”
“A girl can have fun, can’t she?”
“But I’m not a girl anymore, am I?” She studied Tracy — her lively brown eyes, pale pinched face spattered with freckles like a Jackson Pollock painting, framed by a blaze of fiery red hair. Tracy was the girl, a baby with a baby. She drew her hand down her face, clasping her chin. “I feel like an old woman.”
“You’re not that old.”
“I’m older than you, Trace. Old enough to know better.”
A cold voice behind her said, “You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”
Kate turned to see Suzanne glowering down at her, hands on her hips.
“Seems your revelation at church hasn’t influenced your choice of company.”
“Morning to you too,” said Kate, frowning. “Wha
t are you talking about?”
Suzanne dipped her head towards Tracy. “You’re sitting together as though everything’s cosy, but can’t you see? She’s the reason your life went off the rails.”
“Fuck off,” said Tracy.
“And there we go again.” Suzanne’s voice dripped with contempt. “You’re a real piece of work, Tracy.”
“Hey, leave off, Suzanne,” said Kate.
“No, I won’t. Someone needs to tell her to keep her big mouth shut, and if you’re not going to do it, then I will. Did you not take anything from Jim’s sermon?”
Kate pushed her chair back and stood to face Suzanne, her hand clenched around the doughy dinosaur. “More than you, clearly. The topic was forgiveness, if you remember, which of course you do since you set the whole thing up. The only one round here with a big mouth is you.”
Suzanne gasped. “Oh, that’s just great — some thanks that is. And I suppose you’ve forgiven Tracy now, have you?”
Shaking her head, Kate said, “There’s nothing to forgive her for.”
“Are you mad? Things went sour between you and Lawrence because you followed her advice. Set his stuff on fire, she said, and you were dumb enough to do it. If you’d have confided in me first you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“What on earth…” Kate stared. Suzanne’s face was livid, shining and red, like a freshly polished apple. There was no reason for her to be so upset. Not unless… “Wait… are you jealous?”
“Of her?” Suzanne’s lip curled into a sneer. “Please, give me some credit.”
“Oh, my God, you are.” Running a hand through her hair, Kate said, “I confided in Tracy because I knew she wouldn’t judge. You, on the other hand, can be a right judgemental bitch.”
“Wow, really? After everything I’ve done for you, that’s what you think of me?”
“I’ll admit you’ve been good to me, but it’s not about me, is it? You’re generous because that’s how you want people to see you. You want to be admired for it. You want to be significant.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I get it, Suze, I really do. You live in this place, surrounded by mountains and sky, the overwhelming sense of scale. Every time you open your eyes, it’s like being bludgeoned with your own insignificance, like an ant beneath a boot — like you could just disappear into the earth and no one would ever notice. I can see how a person might need to stamp their relevance on the landscape before it swallows them.”
Suzanne’s hands dropped to her sides, her mouth slackening. “What a load of crap! I’m your friend, Kate.”
“Are you? Maybe you were, when I fitted neatly into the nice little box you had for me. But now I’ve spilled out and made things untidy all you’ve done is attempt to shove me back in again.”
“I’m just trying to help. That’s what friends do.”
“No, they don’t. Friends listen, and they accept, and they don’t judge. Tracy’s been a better friend to me the last couple of months than you’ve ever been.”
Suzanne’s eyes boggled. Kate was suddenly aware of the hush that had spread through the room, the wide-eyed gaze of teachers and children alike turned in their direction. She lowered her head, coughing to break the silence.
“Well, if that’s how you feel, I’ll… I’ll…” Suzanne’s mouth oscillated, opening and closing soundlessly, like a goldfish, until she shook herself and said, “Don’t come running to me when your life goes to shit.” She lasered one last glare at Tracy, then stormed off.
With a bitter smile, Kate said, “It already has.”
The silence and stares slowly drifted away, replaced by chatter and action, the room returning to its usual atmosphere of structured chaos.
Tracy gawped at Kate. “Wow,” she said. “For once in my life, I think I’m lost for words.”
“She’ll get over it. She’s just not used to... Ooh!” Kate groaned, clapping her palms against her face, realisation dawning.
“What?” asked Tracy, one eyebrow raised.
“Just something Lawrence said to me the other night.” She felt bile rise in her throat and swallowed it back, grimacing as she recalled his acid voice, the words etching into her skull. Kate the martyr. She snorted — a short, harsh laugh. Were she and Suzanne really so similar? She peeled her hands away from her face, felt something cold pressed against the skin of her cheek. “Oh God,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Sorry, Corbin, but I think I’ve squashed your dinosaur.”
In the carpark, Tracy asked, “So, are you gonna get back with Lawrence?”
Kate waved at Corbin and Kiri through the window. Playing with him seemed to have worked — she had escaped without a fuss, and now he waved back happily. “I don’t know. I thought we could give it a go at least, see what happens — for Corbin’s sake if nothing else. I’ve been trying to call him, but he won’t answer. ”
“I’m sorry if I gave you bad advice,” said Tracy. “I didn’t mean to mess things up.”
Kate noted the pressed lips, the open, honest eyes. She suspected an apology from Tracy was a rare event indeed. “Don’t worry, you didn’t,” she said, the corners of her mouth lifting into a thin smile.
I managed that all by myself.
She watched as Tracy unlocked her car and climbed in. “Any plans for the weekend?”
“No, but I’m goin’ snowboardin’ for the first time on Tuesday.”
“How exciting.”
“I know. Davy got some cheap tickets — weekday special. He’s takin’ the day off work.”
“Are you taking Hayley too?”
“Nah, I’ve booked her into daycare. It’ll be just like a real date, ‘cept Davy won’t break up with me if I tell him I love him.” Tracy scratched her head, looking thoughtful. “Might die of shock though.”
“What, you’re not in the habit of saying you love him?”
“Only if I know he’s feelin’ guilty about somethin’. I like to turn the screws.”
TWENTY-EIGHT
It was Monday — pizza night. Yumiko heaved herself up from the couch and reached for another slice. It came slowly, the web of mozzarella fighting against release, and when she took a bite she wasn’t sure it had been worth the effort. It tasted like cardboard, the smothering of soggy cheese doing nothing to enhance the flavour. Living out of a bag at Noemie’s with a kitchen full of empty cupboards, she’d ordered pizza rather than make it from scratch, but this pale imitation barely deserved the name.
She wondered what Evan was doing. Had he gone to the trouble of making one? She doubted it — more likely he’d made himself a sandwich, or perhaps grilled cheese on toast — he got so lazy when she wasn’t around.
The TV was on but she wasn’t paying attention. Noemie was at work and Jamie was out somewhere. Noemie’s two other flatmates — Japanese snowboarders — had gone to bed. They spoke little English and mostly kept to themselves. Even when she talked to them in Japanese, they were reticent.
She took another bite of pizza, shivering as she washed it down with a swig from her bottle of Coke. Although a fire burnt in the hearth, the fireplace was old and most of the heat leaked out the chimney. She’d hoped it might make the room more cheerful, but the effort of tending to it had been beyond her and it had dwindled, mirroring the way she felt inside. She finished her slice of pizza and lay back on the couch, pulling her blanket up over her shoulders. I should just go to bed, she thought, staring at the ceiling. In the middle, a lone bulb dangled from the centre of the rose, wan and naked and dusty, encircled by an intertwining relief of petals and leaves, the plaster cracked and flaking.
She still didn’t know what to do with Evan’s proposal. Noemie had offered platitudes and comfort, but little in the way of practical advice. Follow your heart, she’d said. Such a cliché, and nowhere near as easy to do as it sounded. She loved Evan, yet she couldn’t ignore the alarm bells that sounded when she considered Jamie’s comments. She didn’t want to believe Evan was cheating on her, but she couldn’
t dismiss his recent odd behaviour, nor the volatility of their relationship over the last few months. As much as she loved the idea, marriage would be a disaster if they didn’t sort out their underlying issues.
The front door slammed, startling her. There was shuffling in the hallway, then Jamie’s head poked into the room.
“Hey, Yumi,” he said, lips parting to reveal nicotine-stained teeth. His body followed his head and he shut the door behind him. “Whatcha doing?”
“Not much,” said Yumiko. “You’re home early.”
Jamie shrugged. “Yeah, a guy needs to sleep some time.” He held up the black plastic bag he was carrying. “Got a six-pack though. You want one?”
She shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m not in the mood for drinking.”
He sauntered to the couch. “Shiv over,” he said, and she pulled her legs up so he could sit down next to her. He placed the six-pack on the floor and pulled out a bottle, twisting it open and taking a gulp. Wiping his lip, he said, “Whatcha watching?”
“Shortland Street. But don’t ask me what’s happening. I haven’t been paying attention.”
Jamie reached for the pizza box, pulling it closer. “What flavour?”
“Barbecue chicken. Help yourself.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking a slice. “So, if you’re not watching TV what are you doing?”
“Thinking.”
“About what?”
“Evan. And his marriage proposal.”
Jamie spoke through a mouthful of pizza. “I still can’t believe he did that.”
“Why not?” she said, frowning.
“Well, he’s not exactly the commitment type, is he?”
There was a long pause before she murmured, “He hasn’t been, no.”
The fire smoked in the grate. Pointing to it, Jamie said, “That’s a pretty sad fire you got going there. Want me to stoke it?”
She shrugged, but Jamie set his beer aside and added a few sticks to the fire, then blew on the embers. They burst into flame, and once the kindling was burning steadily he placed a couple of larger logs on top. “Landlord needs to put a proper wood-burner in this place. This thing’s bloody useless.” He returned to his seat, helping himself to another slice of pizza. “So, you’re not convinced he’s cheating on you?”
Taking the Plunge Page 20