The Cheerleaders of Doom

by Michael Buckley

  b. MAD SCIENTIST (5 POINTS)

  c. WICKED STEPMOTHER (4 POINTS)

  d. AMBASSADOR TO OUR ALIEN CONQUERORS (10 POINTS)

  ______________

  4. WHAT DO YOU WEAR ON A TYPICAL DAY?

  a. A MASK TO HIDE MY HORRIBLY DISFIGURED FACE (8 POINTS)

  b. A CAPE, MONOCLE, AND WALKING STICK (4 POINTS)

  c. A TINFOIL HAT TO BLOCK MIND READERS (10 POINTS)

  d. A STRAITJACKET (10 POINTS)

  ______________

  5. WHICH WOULD MAKE YOU THE MOST AFRAID?

  a. A DARK ROOM (3 POINTS)

  b. A CONFINED SPACE (3 POINTS)

  c. HEIGHTS (2 POINTS)

  d. FRIED CHICKEN (10 POINTS)

  OK, NOW ADD UP THE POINTS AND WRITE DOWN THE TOTAL.

  EGAD! THAT’S A HIGH NUMBER. OK, DON’T PANIC. LET’S JUST MOVE ON. KEEP READING THIS CASE FILE WHILE I CALL A DOCTOR, OR THE POLICE, OR A SWAT TEAM.

  Gerdie carefully placed ten hot water bottles on her bed, then eased herself on top of them. She had never been so sore in her life and she knew why—the machine. She had been lugging it all over town for a week. Every time she turned it on, it sucked all the electricity out of the surrounding area, so she was constantly forced to find new locations to draw power. She guessed that the machine needed the energy to open the doorways to other worlds, but she couldn’t wrap her head around the math to fully understand. Once upon a time, her brain had been upgraded with nanobyte technology. Back then there was no mystery she couldn’t solve. Oh well. She was still smart enough to make herself beautiful.

  “We’ve both been working hard, and it’s time for our reward,” she said to the machine, which was propped up next to her bed. “We’re both getting makeovers! I’m getting the works and you’re going to get smaller and lighter. I know that our real beauty is on the inside, but who can see it through all these layers of ugly?”

  She gingerly sat up and scooped her phone off the nightstand. She tapped a few numbers into the keypad and waited for someone to answer.

  “Hello, this is the medical office of Thompson and Chase, Plastic Surgeons. How can I help you?”

  “I’d like to make an appointment,” Gerdie said.

  “Very good,” the receptionist said. “And exactly what procedure are you interested in?”

  Gerdie eyed herself in her mirror. “You name it.”

  “OK,” the receptionist said. “And can you give me your insurance information?”

  “No need,” Gerdie replied as she gazed around her room. It was filled with golden statues, great works of art, buckets of jewels, and exotic furs she had shoplifted during her trips to other worlds. “I’ll be paying in cash.”

  Matilda’s eyes fluttered open.

  “Gluestick! Is he alive? And what about the space station? Did I save it from the meteoroids?!”

  “She’s gone crazy,” a voice said. “If we have to send her away, I get her room.”

  Matilda looked around and found she was not in outer space but in her own bedroom, surrounded by her six older brothers: Marky, Max, Michael, Moses, Mickey, and Mobi.

  “Who says?” Moses cried.

  “I’m the biggest. I need the space,” Mickey shouted. “I should get the room.”

  “I’m the oldest,” Marky declared. “I’ve suffered the longest.”

  “No one is getting my room,” Matilda said, but they weren’t listening. As usual, the boys’ argument turned into a wrestling match, and six sets of legs and arms thumped around the room, carelessly jostling her prized possessions: her autographed photos of Muhammad Ali and Triple H, her authentic WWE World Heavyweight Championship Belt, a framed photograph of herself in the Ultimate Fighting octagon as her opponent tapped out. She leaped to her feet and stood over the boys with fists clenched. “If you losers break anything, I will deliver a world of hurt that you will never recover from.”

  The boys stared at her for a moment, laughed, then went back to their battle royal. Enraged, she leaped into the crowd and joined the fight.

  “ENOUGH!” a voice cried. Their mother had entered the room, and from her tone, she was angry. The fighting stopped and the seven Choi children lay on the floor, breathing hard and staring up at their mother like she was a four-star general.

  Matilda’s mother’s real name was Mi-sun, but she went by Molly. She was small in stature, with long dark hair and murky brown eyes. When she smiled, she was like a flower opening for the first time, but when she was angry, she looked more like a dragon with smoke escaping from her nose.

  “You’re lucky Mom showed up,” Mobi muttered.

  “When I was finished with you guys, the tooth fairy would have had to file for bankruptcy!” Matilda whispered back.

  “Boys, disappear,” Molly said. “I want to see how your sister is feeling and you are making her crazy.”

  When her brothers were gone, Molly crossed the room and stopped at the window. Resting on the sill was a hareubang: a small stone creature shaped like a totem pole with a mushroom hat. It had bulging eyes and a kindly smile. Molly had given Matilda the statue for “protection.” It was supposed to ward off evil spirits. Unfortunately, it had no power over her brothers, unless, of course, she threw it at them.

  “The lunch lady from school brought you home yesterday. You’ve been asleep ever since,” Molly said. “She is a very odd lady with a very deep voice. What were you doing at school? It’s summer vacation.”

  Matilda gulped. What was she supposed to say? I live a double-life as a secret agent? I have superpowers? My school has a secret headquarters in the basement? The lunch lady isn’t really a lunch lady but a spy who flies a rocket hidden under the gym floor? And … he’s not really a lady?

  “I’m taking summer classes,” Matilda lied. “If I want to get into a good college, I have to get ahead.”

  “You are eleven!” Molly said. “College is a long way off.”

  Matilda could see the doubt in her mother’s face. Molly’s suspicions were growing daily. Her mom knew nothing about Matilda’s secret life—only her explanations about “after-school sports” and “detentions”—but she wasn’t dumb. Too many times Matilda’s two worlds had collided, and it was just a matter of time before her second life as a secret agent would be revealed.

  She watched her mom pick up the stone idol. “What do you think, old grandfather? Old grandfather sees everything, Matilda. He looks after you and grants wishes. Your grandmother gave him to me before I moved to America with your father. We wished for a baby. Clearly, it works. In fact, I may have to send old grandfather away. No more babies, old grandfather.

  “Someday, he will help you when it is your time to lead this family.”

  “Mother!”

  Molly laughed. Her ancestors were from a small island at the southern tip of South Korea called Jeju-do. Molly had told Matilda the island had three things in abundance: rocks, wind, and women. Women, like Matilda’s grandmother, Tammora, were the heads of households. They managed the families and the finances and made most of the decisions in the local government. Molly had been raised to do the same. It seemed to work in their family, as Matilda’s father was a scatterbrained artist who couldn’t balance his checkbook.

  “Your brothers tease you, but eventually they will look to you for guidance. They will need it, too. A few of them are knuckleheads—sweet, lovable, but knuckleheads. But I worry about you, little M. You live a life of mystery, and your words are thick with secrets. Sometimes you tell me things that are not true.”

  Matilda looked out the window rather than meet her mother’s gaze.

  “I should punish you … but I believe there is an important reason behind your lies. Perhaps you fight evil like old grandfather? He chases off devils, dark creatures, monsters, and invaders from other worlds.”

  “More Old Grandfather, Molly?” a voice said from the doorway. Matilda turned to see her father, Ben Choi. Though his ancestors were from Korea, he had grown up in San Francisco. Ben met Molly when he vis
ited her island. He saw her in the street and asked to take her picture. It was love at first snapshot. But lately things had been tense. Matilda’s parents had been arguing for months. “How are you, pea pod?”

  “I’m fine, really!” Matilda said. “Maybe old grandfather can tell me how to get my parents to stop arguing?”

  Molly set the stone guardian back in its place on the windowsill and turned to Ben. “Have you had breakfast?”

  He shook his head.

  “Good, then you can cook,” Molly said.

  Ben laughed.

  Matilda’s heart filled with hope. They were the first smiles she had seen on her parents’ faces in a long time. Just then she let loose a sneeze so strong it ruffled her blankets. Matilda frowned. She didn’t have a cold. Her sneeze was caused by the comlink implant in her nose. It wasn’t long before she could hear Agent Brand’s voice in her ear.

  “Wheezer, we have an emergency mission. Can you get to the roof?”

  “The roof? Right now?” Matilda grumbled.

  Her mother cocked an eyebrow then turned to her father. “The child is so odd. She speaks to herself. I blame you. You have crazies on your side of the family.”

  Her dad frowned. “You’re the one talking to statues.”

  Matilda led them both to her door. “I’m really not feeling well enough for breakfast. I’ll just go back to bed, but you two go have some fun.”

  “We gave up fun about seven kids ago,” Ben said.

  Matilda ushered them into the hall then closed the door. She quickly changed into a black shirt and a pair of neon purple pants, then pulled on her favorite pair of combat boots. She took a quick peek in the mirror. Her hair was a little too neat, so she messed it up until she looked like she had been mugged. Perfect!

  She opened her bedroom window and climbed out on to the trellis that led to the roof. There she found a rope ladder hanging down from above. She looked up and saw a big yellow jet plane hovering silently over her home. She climbed the rope rung by rung and found the school bus at the top. Agent Brand pulled her into the ship.

  “I hope you know I’m skipping a very important breakfast with my parents for this,” she said.

  “Sorry if saving the world got in the way of your Rice Krispies,” he replied.

  Matilda sighed. No one knew her troubles at home. For so long she had hoped her parents’ fighting would go away. Now it seemed to be getting worse. Her only real break from it came from her work as a spy.

  She strapped herself into her seat just as the ship aimed its nose toward the heavens. With an ear-popping blast, its engines shot them all into the stratosphere. She looked over and noticed Duncan sitting beside her. She gave him a smile and got one back.

  “Thanks for saving my life,” he said.

  “You’re welcome. Who saved mine?”

  “That would be me,” Jackson said from his seat behind them. “I used my braces to cling to the ship and found you floating around like a rubber ducky in a bathtub. Thank-yous can be sent as cash gifts.”

  Matilda laughed. “What’s the big, important mission now?”

  Pufferfish shrugged. “All I know is we’re going to Akron, Ohio.”

  “Akron, Ohio? What could possibly happen there?”

  “If the reports are true, it’s something very unsettling,” Agent Brand said. “I’ll let the chief of police explain.”

  Ten minutes later the ship was rocketing back through the atmosphere. Ms. Holiday opened the hatch, then handed the children their parachutes. Matilda was the first to leap out into the sky, and she studied Akron from above. It seemed utterly ordinary—not the kind of place that needed the assistance of a team of superspies.

  She landed a block from a police station. Her teammates followed, and together they gathered their gear before anyone noticed them. At the station, Wheezer spotted a handwritten sign taped to the front door. It explained that the station was currently without electricity.

  Pufferfish showed the desk sergeant her badge. Not many people had ever seen a National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society I.D., and the police officer laughed. “This is a joke, right? Hey, everybody, the federal agents they sent are here. Do we have any juice boxes?”

  The officer nearly fell over laughing.

  “You’re kids?” a portly man said as he entered the room. “Oh, well, it’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen today. I’m Chief Chris Churchill. I’ll show you the … um, problem.”

  He escorted the team into the basement lockup using only a flashlight.

  “So you kids are spies, huh?”

  “Sorry, you don’t have security clearance high enough to know that,” Wheezer said.

  Chief Churchill shrugged. “Listen, I’m going to warn you. What we have down here is a bit on the weird side. I’ve got a couple officers who have had to take the day off to get over it.”

  “It’s a monster, isn’t it?” Flinch said, rubbing his hands together in satisfaction.

  “You’ll have to judge that for yourself,” Churchill said as he led them into a small office where three dogs—a golden retriever, a poodle, and a Chihuahua—were held in a cage.

  “This is what has gotten you so worked up, Chief?” Matilda asked. “Are you afraid of fleas?”

  “Listen, kids, we found them wandering the streets and thought they were a bunch of strays until …”

  Suddenly, Matilda got the shock of her life.

  “Let me out of here. I have my rights!” the golden retriever cried.

  “No way!” shouted Braceface.

  “Incredible!” Gluestick said.

  “Better than monsters!” Flinch laughed.

  “You can’t keep us,” the Chihuahua barked. “I’m a lawyer. I’ll sue you for every penny you have.”

  “I demand a phone call!” the poodle cried.

  Pufferfish bent down to get a closer look at the dogs. “Um, how did you get so smart?”

  The retriever snarled. “What kind of a stupid question is that?”

  “Dogs don’t talk,” she said.

  “Yeah, on what planet?” the poodle barked.

  “This one,” Matilda replied. The whole conversation was making her feel nauseated. “Are you part of some secret experiment?”

  The poodle stepped forward. “Kid, I’m an accountant. I got a boyfriend, and he’s probably worried about me.”

  “Are you saying you came from some place where all dogs can talk? How did you get here?”

  The Chihuahua whined. “There was this light, then this tearing sound, and then all of a sudden you people are staring at us like we’re freaks in a carnival.”

  “Are they saying you came from another world?” Pufferfish asked.

  “I’m not saying anything,” the retriever responded. “You’re saying that. We’re from Earth, a place where all dogs talk—cats, too! And a few squirrels and fish. What’s this place called?”

  Matilda turned back to face her team. They all had the same stunned expression. “Chief, if you’ve had any other weird events in this town lately, we’d like to hear about them.”

  Officer: When was the last time you saw Gerdie?

  Linda: Easy. She came down to the backyard yesterday to ruin our lives!

  Officer: Pardon?

  Luanne: We were in the backyard practicing for the NCA Junior All-Star tryouts when—

  Officer: NCA?

  Luanne: Cheerleading! Geez, don’t you know anything? The National Cheerleading Association. The tryouts for one of the national squads are in a few days!

  Officer: OK. How did she ruin your lives?

  Linda: She came out in her crazy costume right in the middle of our pyramid.

  Officer: Huh?

  Wendy: A pyramid is a cheerleading stunt where the girls stack on top of one another. It’s shaped liked a—

  Officer: I know what a pyramid is! What was the costume?

  Luanne: She came down in one of our cheerleading outfits and her freak mask.

  Wendy: It�
��s not a freak mask, girls.

  Luanne: That’s what you’ve been calling it behind her back.

  Wendy: Luanne, that … um … that’s not true.

  Linda: Yes it is. You said it five seconds before the cops showed up.

  Officer: Freak mask?

  Wendy: Gerdie recently had some cosmetic surgery, and her face has been wrapped in bandages for the last four weeks.

  Linda: So she should be easy to find. Just look for a girl who looks like a mummy wearing a cheerleading outfit.

  Luanne: And the big machine strapped to her back. That should be easy to spot.

  Officer: Big machine?

  Linda: Yes, it had these big tubes and all these lights. It looked like it weighed a ton.

  Officer: What kind of game are you playing?

  Wendy: Excuse me?

  Officer: You know there’s a lot of crime out there in this city. We’ve had these crazy blackouts that are causing all kinds of problems. You can’t call the police with some silly story—

  Wendy: We’re not making this up! She’s wearing a cheerleading outfit. Her face is wrapped in bandages. She’s got something as big as a trash can tied to her back.

  Luanne: You have to take this seriously. She ruined our lives. I want you to find her, arrest her, and make her break rocks in jail.

  Officer: OK, let’s just assume what you’re telling me isn’t the result of a gas leak in your home. How did this disfigured cheerleader ruin your lives?

  Linda: She scared the pyramid. Everyone fell. My sister broke her collarbone. I have a sprained ankle. Everyone on the squad was injured. We’ll never make one of the national squads now. We might even lose our spots on the local team!

  Luanne: Plus, she stood over us and said the harshest things. She said we were a lousy family. She said we were jerks and she was going to the NCA tryouts herself to take our spots. Then she said we weren’t pretty enough to be cheerleaders!

  Linda: That’s just mean!

  Officer: OK, I think I’ve heard enough.

  Wendy: So you have enough information to find my daughter?

  Officer: No, but I have enough information to have the three of you arrested. You have the right to remain silent and I suggest you embrace that right. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law—