Magic and Misrule (Mishap's Heroes Book 1)

by KM Merritt

  “Ew.” She stepped forward and lopped off the lump she assumed was its head. Finally, it stopped moving, then sagged into a pile of mud.

  “All right, easy enough.”

  Timing her strokes to take advantage of their jerky movement, she hacked at the other two, removing their lumpy heads until nothing remained of the attackers except a squishy pile of mud.

  Vola wiped her brow and examined her blade. That hadn’t been the worst fight in her life, but instead of blood, dirt covered her sword.

  A cry threaded through the trees and her stomach dropped. Sorrel and the others.

  Vola lunged back the way she’d come, dodging puddles and tree trunks, praying as she ran the short distance back to where she’d left them. “Please be okay, please be okay.”

  Between the trees, Lillie knelt beside Talon, shooting little fireballs at one assassin, covering Talon while the ranger rolled to their feet and drew a long knife with their good hand. Their other arm hung limp at their side. Sorrel faced off against two at once while Gruff hung from the arm of another, growling and snarling.

  Through the chaos, Vola glimpsed their swamp monster placidly chewing on a long strand of algae, watching the proceedings with a disinterested eye.

  Vola sprinted for one of Sorrel’s opponents. She leaped and brought her sword down on the enemy’s head, cleaving it in two. The lumpy halves fell away from each other with a squelchy thud.

  Lillie screamed short and sharp and then gulped. “Oh,” she said.

  “They’re mud, just like the ones in the town. Take their heads off and they melt.”

  Sorrel nodded, eyes wide, then planted her staff in the soft ground, swung around, and used it to kick the other attacker in the face. Its head snapped back and then snapped off.

  The whole figure fell to the ground and slumped into a harmless pile.

  “Neat,” Sorrel said. Then she pulled her staff from the ground and turned to face the attacker Lillie shot fireballs at. But Talon got there first.

  The ranger blocked a blow, ducked, and came up under the attacker’s guard. Then swung their knife to lodge firmly in the creation’s ear. It lurched to a stop and swayed a moment. Talon planted a foot in its gut and wrenched the knife around, twisting the construct’s head right off its shoulders.

  Gruff finished his off with a malicious growl while the swamp beast just stood there and chewed.

  Vola caught her breath and held a hand out to Lillie. But the wizard knelt in the mud to examine the remains of the constructs.

  “This was the same magic that made the illusions in town,” she said. “Covering up the same simulacra.”

  “Almost the same,” Sorrel said. “These didn’t break apart the moment the illusion was dispelled. They fought on.”

  “Yes, they are better constructed.” Lillie pointed out the sticks that served as primitive bones threading through the mud.

  “Great,” Vola said. “Now they’re stronger. And they’re trying to keep us from getting to the to—”

  Fire spouted through the trees, a rolling, roaring wave that made them all leap for cover.

  “What the…” Sorrel said. “I thought we got rid of them all.”

  “The spell caster is nearby,” Lillie called from the trunk where she’d taken refuge. “The one controlling these golems. I’ll bet there’s a limit to how far those things can go before they break down.”

  “Can you pinpoint him?” Vola flinched as another gout of flames hit her tree, making it shudder.

  Lillie’s lips thinned. “I’ll try.”

  She twisted her hands and mumbled a spell. Bright points of light sprang up, scattered around them, and Vola’s breath caught. They were surrounded.

  “Don’t move,” Lillie called. “I don’t think those are real.”

  “What?”

  “I think he’s using more illusions. The fire blasts are all coming from the other side.”

  Vola peeked around her tree trunk. Lillie was right. The scorch marks were all on that side. But which of the five points of magic was the bad guy?

  “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, face pulled in misery. “The spell only detects magic.”

  “And it’s all magic. Great, do you have any more useless spells?”

  Another blast hit the ground between them. Lillie screamed and covered her head with her arms.

  “Are you all right?” Vola called.

  “No!”

  “Neither are we,” Sorrel called from where she hid with Talon. The ranger slumped against the trunk, arrow still sticking from their shoulder.

  Vola rested her forehead against the rough bark of the tree trunk. Rushing across and randomly picking one of the points of light would only get her killed. But staying here would get them all incinerated. She thunked her head against the trunk. She was out of brilliant ideas.

  Which meant she had exactly one last option.

  “Lady,” she said under her breath. “Lady, I need help.”

  A breeze picked up, shushing through the leaves above them and brushing Vola’s cheek.

  A voice came out of the wind. “Are you going to keep denying me?”

  “Who was that?” Lillie asked.

  “I don’t deny you,” Vola whispered.

  “You avoid my name. You hide me from yourself and from everyone else.” This time the voice sounded like the sharp ring of metal against metal.

  Vola squeezed her eyes closed, her fingers gripping the bark of the tree. It was true.

  “Is someone there?” Sorrel called.

  Another blast of fire answered her, making her yelp and cover Talon’s body with her own.

  “It is your choice, Vola. I already made mine.”

  The third bright spot from the left lit up like a torch in the night, sending out sprays of light.

  “That one!” Vola called.

  Lillie leaned around her tree, spread her hands, and three hot white flashes flew from her fingers to strike the tree their attacker was using for cover. The enemy ducked back to avoid the sparks.

  Taking the opportunity, Vola lunged around her tree and sprinted for the enemy.

  Just as she drew up to the trunk, a masked man leaned around as if the shoot off another spell.

  Vola roared and swung her blade. He squeaked and dodged right so Vola’s sword cut into the tree instead of him. She yanked the blade free and kicked his knee.

  He grunted, and she swung one last time to cut him down. He collapsed on the roots.

  “Oh, great,” Sorrel said behind her. Vola heaved in a breath and turned to see the halfling trying to support the ranger across the intervening space while Lillie followed hands ready with a spell. “We could have kept him alive for questioning.”

  “I…” Vola started. “I didn’t think about that. I’m sorry.”

  Sorrel shrugged. “I’m not sure I’d know how to go about interrogating someone, anyway.”

  “Talk incessantly until they give in?” Talon said.

  Sorrel glared up at the ranger. “I’m the one holding you up, you know. What happens if I just walk away?”

  “Did anyone else hear a voice?” Lillie said. “It was like someone speaking out of thin air. And I think they lit up the real attacker so we could find him.”

  The breeze came out of nowhere and touched Vola’s cheek, raising goosebumps. The others straightened. Lillie frowned up at the shivering leaves.

  Vola sighed. “That would be my lady, Cleavah.” Vola noticed the blood dripping from the arrow in Talon’s shoulder and stepped forward to examine the wound. “My goddess.”

  “Oh,” Lillie said, mouth round.

  “As in Cleavah, goddess of vengeful housewives?” Sorrel said.

  “Wasn’t that the goddess Becky followed?” Lillie said. “I’ll admit I thought she was praying to some kind of kitchen utensil.”

  “Cleavah,” Vola said with a fierce frown. “It’s only coincidence that it sounds like cleaver.”

&nbs
p; “And not because it’s the favorite weapon of her followers,” Sorrel said, peering around as if waiting for the Lesser Virtue to step out from behind a tree.

  Vola gave her a quelling look before turning back to Talon. “Definitely not. And Cleavah is pretty selective about her followers.”

  “You have to be a housewife,” Sorrel said. “And vengeful.”

  “Or, I have to choose you,” the voice said in the rush of the wind.

  A hand gripped Vola’s shoulder, feeling like strong slender fingers.

  Lillie gasped, eyes wide, and Sorrel pulled herself up as if at attention.

  Vola didn’t bother turning to look. It always felt like her goddess stood at her shoulder, just a breath away. But Vola had never been able to see her. She’d tried but Cleavah never chose to manifest for her.

  Vola’s shoulders hunched. Might have something to do with the way Vola never chose to talk about her.

  “You have work to do, Vola,” Cleavah whispered in Vola’s ear, then the hand was removed and the breeze died, leaving only still air.

  Lillie’s hands crept up to cover her mouth. “I’ve never met a goddess before. Is that usual? My family was never very religious.”

  “It’s pretty unusual for those of us who are, too,” Sorrel said. “Maxim’s never dropped in for dinner, for example.”

  “What did she mean, you have work?” Talon said.

  “This,” Vola said, and touched the arrow shaft. “Healing it will be easier without the hood.” The ranger had kept it up through the whole fight. From this distance, Vola would have thought she’d be able to make out some features, but not in the near-dark under the trees.

  Talon’s good hand flew to the edge of the hood as if to keep Vola from ripping it away. “No,” they said, voice going higher than usual.

  Gruff whined and padded forward to brace against Talon’s legs.

  “You know you don’t have to hide from us,” Vola said, trying to soften her normal growl.

  “Like you hid who you work for?”

  Heat beat in Vola’s cheeks. “That’s different.”

  “I’m not sure it is.” Talon hesitated before shaking their head. “It’s easier this way. Less questions.”

  “Will you answer one question?” Lillie said. “Just one?”

  “Not if it’s about my hood.”

  Lillie’s gaze never wavered. “It’s not. Would you prefer to be known as a male or a female?”

  Sorrel smacked her forehead, but Vola raised her eyebrows. Lillie might be a klutz but she did not lack for any bravery.

  Vola was close enough to Talon to catch the ranger’s gasp.

  “We didn’t want to assume,” Lillie said.

  Talon hesitated, shadowed eyes glancing between the three of them. “You didn’t?”

  Sorrel shrugged. “For most people, it’s not a question. You pick one or the other and there you go.”

  “Not all the time,” Lillie said. “Some cultures have more than two genders. The Empire in the east has thirty-six different identities to choose from.”

  “Thirty-six?” Talon said, and Vola got the impression they were a bit dazed. Either by the number or the conversation.

  “Maybe we should narrow that down,” Vola murmured.

  “If neither male nor female are comfortable,” Lillie said. “May we call you they? Or them?”

  “That…fits better than anything else right now,” Talon said.

  “Easy enough,” Vola said. “Now, hold still. This will hurt.”

  She snapped the arrow shaft in half, yanked it through as quickly as she could, and slapped her hand over the wound. “Lady bless.”

  Light flared and Talon’s flesh knitted while heat speared through Vola’s shoulder. She concentrated on breathing through her nose as the healing wave surged through her body. Through the rent in Talon’s cowl, their skin went pink and puckered, but healthy.

  “That’s…that’s all I’m going to be good for for a while,” Vola said as the world wavered. “How do you feel?” she asked Talon.

  The ranger cautiously flexed their arm and shoulder. They shook their head. “I won’t be drawing a bow anymore tonight.”

  Vola glanced at the others.

  Lillie winced. “I won’t be much use for anything big.”

  Sorrel stretched her arms over her head. “I’ll be fine with some rest.”

  Vola nodded decisively. “We’ll camp here then. We’ll be safe enough now that we’ve cleared out the assassins.”

  “Is that what he was?” Lillie asked. “Another assassin?”

  Sorrel knelt beside the body. The golems were already sinking into the muck of the swamp. “He’s dressed the same as the one that attacked Lord Arthorel. And he used the same magic, didn’t he?”

  Lillie nodded.

  “I think it’s safe to say we’re getting close enough that the kidnappers don’t want us coming any closer,” Vola said. “Unless the rest of you are expecting assassins to show up for you someday.”

  “Anyone coming after me will not bother to hide their identity,” Lillie said, indicating the man’s mask.

  Vola blinked at Lillie, but before she could ask for details, the wizard shook herself.

  “Should we…er…loot the body?” Lillie said. “Isn’t that a thing people do?”

  Vola and Sorrel both gave her a grimacing look.

  “Ew, no,” Sorrel said. “What sort of books have you been reading?”

  Lillie held up her hands in defense. “I just meant, perhaps he has something we can use.”

  Vola hesitated. “I guess we should see if he has anything to tell us who the kidnappers are. What they’re doing here.”

  Sorrel made another face. “If you say so.”

  When no one moved, she rolled her eyes. “Oh, you meant me.”

  “I mean, not specifically,” Vola said. “But if you’re volunteering…”

  “Bleh.” Sorrel knelt beside the body and gingerly took his sleeve between two fingers. Her face twisted in several iterations of disgust as she rifled through his clothes. “Ew, ew, ew.”

  “It’s just a dead body,” Vola said. “You should be making plenty of these if you’re doing your job right.”

  “That doesn’t mean I want to play around with them afterward. And I don’t see you doing any looting either.”

  After a moment of grimacing, Sorrel looked up at them again. “What exactly am I looking for, anyway?”

  Lillie and Vola looked at each other.

  “Um, gold?” Lillie said.

  “Armor, weapons, things we can sell,” Vola said. Then after a moment’s thought, added, “And written orders. Something that tells us who they are and what they’re doing here. That would be very convenient.”

  “Too convenient,” Sorrel said, removing her hand from the dead man’s clothes. “Yuck. He’s got nothing. Come to think of it, isn’t that a little unusual? Shouldn’t he have something in his pockets? A firestarter? Or dice? Even some lint?”

  “Maybe he didn’t want anything to lead back to his leader in case he was caught or killed,” Vola said. “Let’s just roll him off to the side.”

  Talon snorted and went to set up the tent.

  Lillie and Sorrel gingerly took care of the body while Talon finished pulling the tent cords taut. Vola took charge of the swamp creature since Talon was busy. It stood placidly munching on something that crunched. The fight didn’t seem to have bothered it in the least.

  Vola reached for the lead rope dangling over the back of its neck, and it lunged, jaw snapping inches from her hand.

  “Ah!” She yanked herself back.

  The beast eyed her balefully. If she looked closely, Vola could swear she saw two pinpricks of red whirling deep in its black eyes.

  “Listen, you. I’m a lot bigger and meaner than you. If you want this to work out, you’d better not bite the hand that feeds you.” She glared at it.

  It seemed to subside for the moment, and Vola grabbed the lead rop
e without a problem. She turned to tie it to one of the tent stakes so it wouldn’t wander off in the night.

  As she walked away, the beast’s narrow head snaked back and then lashed forward, teeth closing on Vola’s rear end.

  “Ouch!”

  She leaped forward clapping her hands to her butt.

  The beast munched contentedly, probably eating a piece of her. She rubbed her rear end. Her chain mail didn’t quite come down far enough to cover the giant hole in her pants.

  “You were definitely not worth it. And we got you for free.”

  No one had the wherewithal that night to light a fire and cook dinner. Inside the tent, Lillie passed out strips of dried meat and Becky’s bread, which was going stale on one side and growing mold on the other.

  “I think that swamp thing is secretly evil,” Vola said, pulling her chain mail up and twisting around to get a good look at the hole in her trousers.

  Talon already snored in the corner.

  “What do you mean secretly?” Sorrel said.

  Lillie’s mouth dropped open. “It can’t be that bad,” she said. “No creature is inherently evil.”

  “That one is,” Vola said.

  “Most creatures just need to be shown a little love and they’ll blossom. What if we give it a name?”

  “You think that’s going to make it not evil?” Sorrel said.

  “What about Frank?” Lillie said.

  “What about Floppy?”

  “What’s floppy about it?”

  Vola finished piling her armor in the corner and fell into her bedroll. She didn’t remember anything after that.

  Fifteen

  Vola came awake suddenly with the complete and gut-sinking knowledge that she’d forgotten to set a watch.

  Sludgy water climbed up her body, and she splashed to a sitting position.

  “Holy—” The tent was already half a foot deep in water and it seemed to be rising rapidly.

  “Wake up!” She reached across to shake Talon with one hand and Sorrel with the other. Lillie snored and rolled over, her hair floating around her head like some sort of poetic damsel in distress.