All Tangled Up

by Caitlin Ricci

  First dates were hard. I hadn’t had a real first date in years. I expected awkwardness anyway, but our situation pretty much guaranteed it.

  I wanted to give him an out. He didn’t need to push this, and I was fine with being treated like the cheating, lying, ex that I was. I deserved that. “You don’t have to go out with me. It’s okay to forget all about it.”

  Gavin’s face pinched. He almost looked frustrated with me as he came to sit back down beside me. “Look, it’s weird. When we first met, I definitely wanted to go on a date with you. And that hasn’t really changed. I don’t love knowing that you cheated on your ex, but the more important thing, to me at least, is that you realized it was a mistake. If you went around cheating on everyone and didn’t see that as a problem, we wouldn’t still be having this conversation. So, would you like to get coffee with me this week and then see where things go from there?”

  It was probably time that I took a chance. I mean, I couldn’t very well keep pining away for Cal, especially when he seemed so blissfully happy with someone else. I needed to get back out there and try dating again. It was just coffee, nothing more. No expectations at all for either of us. I nodded. “Coffee sounds good.” I pulled out my phone to get his number and give him mine.

  Once we had exchanged numbers, he moved in closer to me, which felt good. I was glad to know that the guy I was interested in could move past everything he already knew about me—most of it bad—to something better. Something where he could actually get to know who I really was, beyond just a guy who had cheated on the only man he’d ever loved.

  Gavin went right back teaching me how to knit again. It was like we’d gotten the personal stuff out of the way and we could focus back on what he loved, which was clearly everything to do with yarn.

  “Have you made any of the yarn here?” I asked him as he tried to show me how to put my loops from one needle to the other and keep the tension correct. He’d shown me this at least half a dozen times, but I still struggled to get it just right. My loops were often too loose, and then suddenly I’d get into this streak where everything was too tight.

  Gavin looked up for a moment and nodded. “Yeah. There’s a rack of my own wool. I’ll show it to you in a few minutes after you’ve done a few rows correctly. It takes a lot of work to go from the raw dirty wool on the sheep to getting something that can be easily worked with, but I enjoy the process.”

  He must have enjoyed it. I had no idea how it was done, or anything about it, but I imagined that making yarn was pretty time intensive. Especially if he was doing it by hand. I wasn’t sure if I had ever enjoyed something that much. I’d gone to college, I had my MBA, but I hadn’t actually enjoyed any of it. I’d gotten the education and a job that would best go with it, but I’d never actually liked any of it. “I’m kind of jealous of you.”

  Gavin laughed. “Really? Why?”

  I waved one of my knitting needles at the brightly stuffed shelves around us. “Because you have all of this. It’s clearly something you love.”

  “I do love it, but it never came without a lot of hard work and sacrifice, plus a good bit of help from my family in the beginning. I’ve only had this store for a few years. Before then I was mostly online. I’d do a few craft shows each year, and I was at the farmer’s market every Saturday, but there’s only so much you can do there before you eventually need to find a store that will sell your yarn, or make the store yourself. I talked to a few people about getting my yarn in their stores, but the cut they wanted was more than I was comfortable with, and I like to have the control that I do here. The hours are long and sometimes I do want to stay in bed and not get up to feed the sheep and then come in here, but overall I wouldn’t change anything.”

  I admired his dedication. I stayed with him for a few more hours, learning how to knit and admiring the wool his sheep had produced. I felt peaceful at the store. I enjoyed it. But I couldn’t stay there forever, taking up his time and feeling like I was bothering him. Gavin hadn’t said anything to make me think that, but I felt it anyway.

  So when a few women came in and began chatting with him about the best yarn to use for a baby set, I quietly slipped out. Maybe I should have said goodbye, but I did wave to him at least.

  Chapter Six

  Gavin

  We met for coffee the following Saturday. I’d asked Kyle to cover the store for me. He knew everything there was to know about how the sales system worked and enough about the yarn to be able to explain anything to any customer that came in. He couldn’t lead a class, but he could do the rest of what the store needed, so I felt comfortable with him being there.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about Travis, though. I liked him. But the idea of dating someone that I knew cheated on someone he cared about, that was a problem for me. This wasn’t a two-week fling that he’d decided to get out of early, though that would have been plenty bad as well. He and Cal had been together for five years. I didn’t know how to feel about that. Or even what to say. Part of me wanted to judge him badly for that, but part of me wanted to say that it wasn’t my relationship and Travis seemed to have realized his mistake, so maybe I could look past that.

  We sat down together, our coffees in our hands and a plate of mini lemon scones in front of us. They were my choice, and I was happy to share with him.

  “Thank you for meeting me for coffee,” he said. He smiled at me, looking relaxed even though I was on edge with nervousness.

  He offered me his hand, and I reached out to take it. “Thanks for meeting me,” I echoed him.

  Travis ran his fingers over my hand. He was clearly flirting with me, but I wasn’t sure how to respond. When I did nothing, eventually he pulled away. Maybe it was just as well. I wasn’t really sure what to do with my attraction to him. I wanted to get to know him. I had since I’d first spoken to him. But that was my way—I jumped in quickly. Too quickly, at times. I didn’t think before reacting, but I was trying to think now.

  “What’s wrong?” Travis asked me. He’d lost his smile and the warmth that had gone along with it.

  I could have brushed off his question. Maybe I should have lied to him. But if there was ever going to be anything else between us, then I wanted him to have the truth from me. I thought he deserved that, from one human being to another. “I like you,” I admitted.

  A hint of his smile came back. “I like you too. Then what’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know if I can date someone who cheated on someone they loved,” I admitted. I was being blunt, and I saw how he flinched at my words, but it was the truth.

  Travis slowly nodded. “I understand. I don’t know how to assure you that cheating on him was the worst thing I’ve ever done, or that I won’t ever cheat on another person again.”

  I didn’t know how he could either, but I wanted him to. I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to see him as more than the guy that had cheated on my cousin’s boyfriend. Sighing, I dropped my gaze and focused on the wisps of steam coming off of my tea.

  “What do you want?” Travis quietly asked me.

  What I wanted was a chance with him, back when I knew nothing about him except that he was some cute, sweet guy who had stepped into my yarn shop, but that wasn’t really fair. I tried not to judge people by their past mistakes. Or, at least, I was trying not to now. Previously I’d done that plenty. I’d judged my cousin, Asher, for being an alcoholic and nearly killing his brother, Dillon. I judged my son for being a dumb teenager occasionally. And I had judged Cal repeatedly for being a stripper.

  It was probably time that I change that. I leaned over and kissed Travis on his cheek. It was a small thing, but it made him smile in the biggest way. “I’d love to ignore what we may know about each other, and the baggage that comes with that knowledge, and be on a date,” I told him as I was pulling back.

  Travis leaned a little closer to me. “I’d like that too.”

  He kept holding my hand. I enjoyed his light to
uch, that connection that I felt with him. Before long, though, that didn’t seem to be enough for me. Our scones were only half gone, and our drinks weren’t empty either, but I still took his hand. I had a sudden urge to be alone with him, as crazy as that sounded, and thankfully Travis played along with me. We got up and walked next door to the bookstore, deep into the back shelves in the reference section where there was no one there to catch us as I lightly kissed him.

  I’d wanted to be alone with him, but being alone didn’t mean that I wanted everything from him. I wanted his gentle kisses and the way he slid his fingertips over my hips. I wanted the softness of his mouth and the taste of the scones on his tongue. We went no further. I was tempted to, and I was sure that he probably wanted to by the way he pulled me against him, but this was enough for me.

  Before long we were interrupted by a blushing girl wearing a big backpack and a Missouri State hoodie. I figured she was probably a student in need a textbook, and not a show. This time Travis took my hand, leading me away from the reference books and to the magazines. We stood quietly for a moment, both of us smiling in our sudden awkwardness.

  “I haven’t made out in a bookstore in years,” Travis quietly confided in me.

  I let out a little laugh. “I haven’t either.” It had been fun though. Unexpected fun with someone I couldn’t help but like.

  Things were complicated between us. I didn’t know how to proceed from here, but I was more than willing to try.

  “So...”

  I grinned. “Yeah. I know.”

  “I hear you have a big family.” Travis was clearly grasping at something to say.

  I nodded. Maybe he would meet them someday. I realized something else as well. “Will you be okay seeing Cal whenever the family gets together? It happens fairly frequently. Every Saturday night, in fact. We have family game night, and have done that for years.”

  Travis smirked. “I haven’t been to a game night in years. Cal and I...”

  He trailed off. I didn’t really want to hear about all the wonderful things that he and Cal had done when they were together, but I was still willing to listen to him. Cal had been a big part of his life. I couldn’t pretend otherwise, not if I was really interested in him.

  Travis let out a slow, pain filled sigh. “What’s it like seeing them together? Dillon and Cal, I mean?”

  His voice had hitched on my cousin’s name. I figured he probably didn’t like Dillon very much, for his own reasons. Dillon could be blunt, and honest, but he was never intentionally mean. He just wasn’t like that. My cousin was quiet and tried to make everyone happy. He was a lot like Kyle in that way, which was probably why I still sometimes had a hard time with Dillon and Cal being together.

  “Do you really want to know?” I asked him.

  He really didn’t look like he did. His face was scrunched and he was only barely breathing, but he nodded anyway. “I still care about Cal. We’re trying to be friends, even though it’s strained a lot of the time right now. I’ve seen them together, but that’s been at Cal’s house. He keeps trying to get me to go to a movie or something with them, but I have no idea how I’d handle that. And it’s not even like Dillon is doing anything to upset me. It’s more like him just being around, just being in Cal’s life, is the issue for me. But I think anyone being in my former place would be a problem for me, not just him. His age really doesn’t help though.”

  I chuckled. “The age difference does bother me, though I’m trying to be better about it. If Dillon was in his thirties and Cal was in his fifties, maybe I wouldn’t care so much. Actually, no, I probably wouldn’t care at all. But Dillon’s a teenager. He’s not even legally allowed to be in the place that his boyfriend works at. If he was my son, I’d be pissed. I’d probably forbid it, and then he’d probably do it anyway and eventually move in with him just to spite me. Which is why I’m being very careful about not telling Kyle no right now unless it’s something I absolutely would never allow.

  “For the most part, they’re fine when they’re together with us. I know they’re having sex, but they don’t make a big deal out of it when they’re around everyone else. They hold hands, and sometimes they kiss, but it’s not like they’re all over each other. Accepting their relationship was huge for Dillon in regards to the rest of the family. If we didn’t accept him, I don’t think we’d see him as much as we do, and none of us were okay with that. But that doesn’t mean I’m totally fine with seeing a grown man with my teenage cousin. I’m better about it, but I’d still prefer to see him dating someone much closer to his own age. Like twenty. I’d be okay with that.”

  “Too bad you can’t tell him what to do. I’m trying to be better about being angry with Dillon.” Travis took a deep breath. “At first, I hated him. I know that’s horrible to say, but I did. I saw it as Cal leaving me for a teenager. I’m better about accepting the fact that Cal left me for me now, and that Dillon was just there afterward.”

  I didn’t mind that Travis had hated Dillon. Maybe I should have, but I understood, in a way. It was hard for me to see them together. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him.

  “He’s not a bad guy,” I said, quietly defending my cousin even though I knew there was no reason to.

  “I know he’s not. He didn’t come in and break up my relationship. I did that myself.” He pulled out his phone and looked at it for a moment. “I should probably be going. Can I see you again?”

  “Yes.” I didn’t even hesitate.

  Travis smiled and leaned over to kiss my cheek. I wanted more than that from him, but it was probably better that we take it slow.

  Chapter Seven

  Travis

  I needed friends. That much was obvious when I tried to think of who I could tell about liking Gavin and the only person that came to mind was Cal. We’d been so close, but it felt wrong to go to him with this good news of mine. I didn’t doubt that he would be happy for me, but at the same time, it wouldn’t be right to tell him in a way I wasn’t quite sure how to explain.

  I had my therapist, and even though she was helpful, this didn’t really feel like a therapy kind of question. The reality of it was that I had Cal or I had no one, and I needed to talk to someone. So, the following day once I got off work, I went home and sat in my tiny apartment that made me miss him and the life we’d had together even more, and I called him.

  “Hey, what’s up?” He’d answered on the third ring, which probably meant that he was busy. He’d always been a first ring kind of guy.

  “Are you busy?” I asked, just to be safe. I wasn’t going to try to make him talk to me if he had other things to do.

  I heard the oven beep in the background. He was probably making dinner for the two of them.

  “Not really, just heating up a pizza. How are you?”

  We were friendly, but we were also awkward and a bit formal and I didn’t know how to move past that even though I desperately wanted to. “I’d really like to talk to you about something, if you’ve got time.”

  “It sounds serious.”

  Maybe it was, but not really for him. “It’s a personal kind of issue. Nothing that has to be done face to face, but you’re my only friend and...” I swallowed thickly. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to listen to me.

  “I’m listening. Whatever you want to talk about, however bad you think it is, I’m here. We’re trying to be friends, and that’s what friends do for each other.”

  He was right. That was what friends did. “Have you met Dillon’s cousin yet?” Maybe that was as good of a way to start this conversation as anything else.

  Cal laughed. “Which one? He’s got a few. I’ve met them all. They do game night every Saturday night, and I try to get to them whenever I’m off, because it’s sort of expected that Dillon be there.”

  That sounded nice, in a way, and maybe also a bit of a pain too. I wasn’t great with familial expectations, probably because I routinely ended up disappoin
ting people like I had with him. “Gavin?”

  “Yeah, I’ve met Gavin. Dillon said that he saw you at his yarn store. Did something happen? Is that what’s wrong?”

  I should have figured that Dillon would mention me being there. Not because I expected him to report on me to Cal or anything like that, but seeing your boyfriend’s ex at your cousin’s store might be noteworthy. “How would you feel about me going on a date with Gavin?”

  “He’s kind of a pain in the ass, at least to me, but since you’re not going to be dating his cousin, maybe he’ll be nicer to you. If you like him, go for it. You don’t need my permission to date anyone.”

  He was right. I didn’t need it. Because we weren’t together anymore. That was a jab that I knew I’d invented in my own mind, but it still hurt all the same. “Okay. Thanks,” I mumbled.

  “I figure you’ve gone on dates before now. Are you asking just because he’s Dillon’s cousin and that might be weird for us at family dinners or something?”

  I wished that I could tell him that I’d been on plenty of dates, but that wasn’t the truth. “This would be my first date since our break up.”

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t blame him for sounding stunned. I was too. I’d never really been the most popular guy ever, that had been Cal, but I’d still had my moments. I took a breath and let it out slowly. “So, you’d be okay with this? With me dating Gavin?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  I shrugged and, since he didn’t seem to care one way or the other, I wondered why I’d made such a big deal about calling him in the first place. “I dunno. I guess I was just being stupid about it.” He didn’t correct me, which made me feel even worse. “So I guess I’ll see you later or talk to you soon or something.”

  “Yeah. Maybe we’ll see each other at the next game night.”

  He sounded so calm, so casual about that. I figured since it really didn’t matter to him what I did or who I was with, that he would be casual about me dating his boyfriend’s cousin. “Sure. See you.” I hung up on him. I wanted to have one conversation with him that didn’t feel awkward and forced, but I had no idea when that would be—it certainly wasn’t right now.