Harlequin Historical July 2021--Box Set 2 of 2

by Madeline Martin

  She loved him, that was the truth. Gwen loved him with every part of her being, but she would not share her life with Ralph de Kinnerton. This she knew with clarity. Yet she would have this moment with him. Yes, this she could take.

  Then she would let him go. And keep the night close to her heart.

  ‘Kiss me, Ralph.’

  And he did more ardently, with more intensity than she could ever have imagined. God, but he made her feel boneless. She lay beside him with her hands on his shoulders, sliding them around his neck, pulling him close. They continued to stroke and touch him all around his back, before dipping around the curve of his back and on to his firm round buttocks, still covered by his hose.

  Oh, yes, she wanted him even though Ralph would never truly be hers. Gwen was resigned to that. But mayhap she could show him the constancy of her love, since she could not put these feelings to words. How thoughtless would that be to both of them, otherwise. No, she would let only this night guide her emotions, however sinful it might seem.

  Soon this part of her life would be all but over and she would have nothing left other than the empty shell of her heart. But what happened between them, she would remember for the rest of her days.

  Oh, yes, she could show him on this night what she truly felt about him. She would bare her soul to him. Only for tonight.

  Somehow, as they tumbled and touched, learning the secrets of one another, they had managed to divest every layer of clothing. They lay in each other’s arms with the novelty of having skin to skin, flesh to flesh. Was it her heart pounding against her ribs or his?

  Ralph shifted his body on top of her, nudging her legs apart and settling within. He lifted one leg and lightly kissed his way up, using his lips, the slide of his tongue and lightly nipping her with his teeth. He wrapped one leg around his body before touching and kissing her other leg, his fingers trailing over her sensitive skin. His large hands moved to her neck, grazing across her chest and along the slope of her breasts, moving lower and lower, circling over her stomach. Heavens above, Gwen didn’t know whether she could take much more as he flicked his tongue over her nipple, drawing one into his mouth and sucking lightly, before turning his attention on her other breast, his heavy hooded eyes fixed on to hers. His scent—a mix of soap, herbs and musk—was intoxicating.

  Something was unfolding and pooling within her core.

  ‘This may hurt a little,’ Ralph whispered, his lips against her skin.

  ‘Don’t stop.’ Gwen’s eyes flew open. ‘Please do not stop.’

  The light in the sconce and from the fire in the hearth flickered over their entwined bodies, adding its own luminous glow. She arched her back as he entered her body, stretching and filling her. Gwen felt a tug and pull and sharp burst of pain before it was replaced by another, altogether different sensation.

  ‘Gwen?’ Ralph stilled as he lifted himself up and watched her for a moment. ‘Are you...is everything well?’

  She opened her mouth, but the words dried on her lips. Instead, she smiled and nodded her head, her eyes filling with tears. They were joined as one, how could she not be? Yes, she was very well indeed.

  ‘Look at me.’ She felt Ralph’s hand caress her cheek. ‘I want to see you.’ Her eyes fluttered open to find that he was smiling at her with so much tenderness that it made her heart squeeze. ‘I love you, Gwenllian ferch Hywel.’

  ‘And I you.’

  ‘Yet there are tears?’

  She nodded. ‘Of joy.’

  ‘I feel the same.’ He leant forward and kissed her softly on her lips. ‘Are you in pain?’

  ‘No...no, I promise you I am well.’ Any lingering discomfort was slowly subsiding as she became more used to the feel of him.

  ‘I am glad to hear that.’ He kissed her neck, sliding his tongue along the length and nipping her earlobe. ‘Shall we resume?’

  ‘There’s more?’

  ‘Oh, yes, sweetheart.’ He lifted his head and grinned at her. ‘A lot more.’

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Ralph started to move inside her, covering her lips with his in a long sensual kiss. Her legs wrapped around him as he increased the pace. Soon they were finding their own way through the ebb and flow of the hazy, lush wonderment of their heightened passion. This giving and receiving of pleasure. They laced their fingers together, clinging on to one another. The fervour of their rapturous elation reached an unexpected height, a single, pure moment of ecstasy.

  Gwen had believed that tiny pieces of her soul were left in the decorative parchments and woven fabrics she created, but they were nothing quite like this—for she had exchanged a much larger part of herself tonight.

  Could Gwen ever have imagined that this—what she had just experienced on this bed—would turn out this way? No, how could she know? It was something that she only ever believed could be used to manipulate and control. To hurt and dominate.

  But not this. Never with Ralph. Not after what had passed between them, these feelings that centred around something so strong and so potent it blew everything else away, leaving only the most powerful and perfect canon of emotion. Love... And God above knew how much she loved the man who was holding her now so gently, kissing her damp forehead.

  ‘Saints above, but I have no words to describe what just happened.’

  ‘Nor I.’ She could feel him smile against her skin. He rolled over, twisting his head around to look at her, his fingers threading through her hair.

  ‘You are a beautiful woman, Gwen.’ He gathered her in his arms. ‘And I hope you appreciate how much this unexpected night together means to me.’

  ‘For me, too, Ralph.’ She flushed, leaning on her elbow as she touched and traced the fullness of his lips. ‘Our time together... I shall never forget it.’

  ‘I am glad to hear it, my lady.’ He caught her finger lightly between his teeth and winked, before swinging his long limbs around the bed. ‘Stay abed while I attend you, Gwen. You must be sore after what just happened.’

  He flashed her a quick, sheepish smile and walked towards the tall wooden coffer. He rung out a cloth from the large washing bowl filled with water and brought it back to her.

  ‘My thanks, Ralph. I shall take that.’ Gwen bit her lip as she sat up, her long hair tumbling around her. She pulled the coverlet higher to cover her nakedness and pressed the damp cloth along her thighs and between her legs where she did indeed ache.

  ‘This interlude this eventide has, I hope you appreciate, changed everything.’

  ‘I think not. I love you, Ralph, with every breath I have in my body. I want you to know that,’ she murmured as she reached out and cupped the scarred skin of his jaw, feeling the uneven, rough surface of his skin. ‘But my plans for the future remain unaltered.’

  He sat on the bed beside her, seemingly bewildered. ‘Even after what has just passed between us?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Even after that.’

  And just like that the harsh realities of finally succumbing to her desires for Ralph came to the fore. Even before the residual warmth from her body was only just receding. Too soon. It was far too soon for her to confront and face the decisions she had made.

  She looked up and caught him staring at her for a moment. A muscle twitched in his jaw.

  ‘I see.’ He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. ‘You are determined on your course then. To be alone?’

  ‘There is nothing else for it. Nothing that I can do.’

  ‘You can marry me as we both once wanted. We can bind our lives together as your father and mine had always planned. Hell’s teeth, Gwen, it’s what I had hoped you still wanted now that we have been reunited. And what I want more than anything in return.’

  There might have been a time when she had wanted the same, but not any longer. It could not be. She had reconciled herself to the fact it was impossible for them to
be together. Their show of love tonight was something she would never forget, but it was not enough to erase the shame that she had felt for allowing Stephen le Gros the liberties that he had taken with her. What that man stole from her from that bleak time could never be replaced or recovered. It would crawl and spread inside her like a dark humour, eating away at her. And it would eventually emerge, seeping out in all its contorted ugliness, and come between her and Ralph. And Gwen would not do that to him. She could not tie herself to Ralph, just to trap both of them in a marriage that would inevitably become a dreadful nightmare.

  ‘No, I... I no longer want that with you, or anyone else for that matter.’

  His eyebrows furrowed in the middle before he gave his head a shake. He stood up and began to dress. ‘You sat beside me, mopping my brow after what happened at the mêlée, you bought my horse back, you take me to your bed and you say you love me, Gwen. Yet you claim that you cannot marry me.’

  ‘No, that I cannot do,’ she whispered as she exhaled a shaky breath. ‘Let me say that I would do all of that again if I had to. And, yes, I do love you and always will, Ralph de Kinnerton.’

  ‘Forgive me then, my lady, for I do not understand you.’ He dragged his tunic over his head and picked up his sword belt, tying it around his waist. ‘I do not comprehend what this night was about.’

  ‘It was about giving in to our carnal desires, our wants and needs.’

  ‘And nothing more than that?’ He crossed his arms across his chest. His eyes fixed on to hers. ‘Remember it is me you are talking to, Gwenllian ferch Hywel.’

  ‘I do not know what you want me to tell you.’

  He spoke after a long moment of silence. ‘The truth, Gwen. Surely you owe me that.’

  She lifted her head. ‘I have been nothing but honest with you.’

  ‘Are you certain about that, my lady?’

  ‘Yes.’ How in heavens had this evening descended to this quarrel? ‘I really do not comprehend what you mean.’

  ‘Do you not? God’s breath, Gwen, look at you.’ He stepped forward, standing in front of her. ‘You are the most beautiful, generous, intelligent, loyal woman I know. Your goodness knows no bounds, my lady, but let me speak freely here and say that you are not, nor have you ever been, meant for a life behind the walls of a convent.’

  ‘You do not know that, Ralph.’ Her head dropped low as a single tear fell to her cheek. She quickly brushed it away, annoyed with herself. ‘You know nothing of my life these past six years.’

  He got on his knees on the floor in front of her, lacing his fingers through hers, the pad of his thumb gently grazing her knuckles.

  ‘I do realise that, and I wish to learn more about you and the time we were parted, Gwen, in the hope that I can understand what made you change the direction of your life so drastically,’ he whispered softly. ‘It is this that I cannot understand. And now after what has unfolded between us tonight, I am even more convinced that you have not been forthright with me. For some reason you are convinced that you have no other option available to you then to take the veil and I am asking you to tell me why that is.’

  ‘I... I...’ She blinked, unable to answer him momentarily. ‘It is my calling, Ralph.’

  ‘I do not believe you.’ He grazed her cheek with his finger.

  ‘Then I am sorry that I cannot convince you. But it is, nevertheless, the truth.’

  He shook his head, frowning. ‘Will you not talk to me, Gwen and tell me the real reason behind all of this? Tell me what it is that you are afraid of.’

  She wanted to tell Ralph. She wanted to explain everything that happened and why she had not run away with him all those years ago, but somehow the words were stuck in her throat. She did not know how to voice them.

  ‘How did you protect me, Gwen?’ She looked up and found him watching her intently. ‘How did you protect me from Stephen le Gros, all those years ago? Besides the promise that you would marry him, which I wish you had never made, by the way. Indeed, I wish you had had more faith in me to protect you and had run away with me, instead.’

  If only it had been that simple. She screwed her eyes shut before opening them and shaking her head. ‘Oh, Ralph, do you not see it was impossible for me to do that? I could not take the risk of anything happening to you.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart, but at what cost?’ He rubbed his fingers on his forehead. ‘Forgive me for saying this, but I sense that there’s more in the way you protected me, and allowed my safe passage, than the promise of marriage to Stephen, which never came to pass, anyway.’

  Her stomach twisted and knotted in apprehension. This was a question he had asked before, on the night they had ridden in the moonlight. The night he had kissed her again. And just as then, Gwen could not answer him for the shame and guilt she still felt in her bones. But she knew now that Ralph’s suspicions regarding his cousin and her reluctance to answer him meant that she had little choice other to explain everything to him now.

  God, but how she hated having to revisit that awful moment in her life when fate had intervened adversely. But now after finding Ralph again here at this tournament, it almost seemed as though they had returned back to the beginning of that tumultuous time when both their lives changed indefinitely.

  ‘I did everything I could to protect you back then, Ralph,’ she muttered, not quite knowing where to begin. ‘In the aftermath of your father’s death, Stephen had secured the whole of the Kinnerton garrison and he would have made good his promise and killed you and the few men loyal to you. I could not allow that to happen.’

  ‘And you have my thanks, now and back then. But there’s something missing here.’ He exhaled through his teeth. ‘Something that might explain your reticence to a future you once wanted.’

  ‘Life and circumstance ultimately change our perspectives and the very things we once wanted.’

  ‘And what were the circumstances that changed everything for you, Gwen? He brushed his fingers over her hand. ‘Can you not tell me whether you were obliged to promise more to ensure my safety back then? More than marriage.’

  She looked into his eyes which seemed far more cautious and pensive, but also hopeful and trusting.

  Oh, God...

  How would they change once she told him the truth? Would he look on her with contempt and half-veiled disgust after what she would tell him? Mayhap this was also a reason why she had given herself to him. Why she had wanted this one precious unsullied night with Ralph before the reality of their situation tumbled around them. Before the truth served to pull them apart as it surely would, with nothing but derision and scorn left between them.

  ‘Gwen?’ He lifted her chin with his fingers as he whispered softly, ‘What are you hiding?’

  They both jumped when a quick knock was followed by Brida opening the wooden door of their chamber and striding in. ‘Ah, poor Matilde has finally settled to sleep and I...’ Her friend suddenly realised that she was not alone as her eyes flicked from her to Ralph. ‘Oh, I apologise sincerely. I did not mean to intrude on your...well, allow me to remedy the situation. I’ll leave and return later.’

  ‘No need for that, Mistress Brida. Please come.’ Ralph sighed. ‘I was just leaving, myself.’ He leant forward so that only Gwen would hear. ‘I hope to continue this discourse later, my lady?’

  ‘Of course,’ she lied.

  ‘Until later, my lady. Mistress Brida.’ He sketched a deep bow. ‘I bid you both a pleasant night.’

  ‘Yes, goodnight, sir.’

  Gwen slumped back in the bed, unable to look at her friend and hoping the coverlet would swallow her whole from the embarrassment she felt with Brida catching her in such an exposed manner. She might be discreet, but how mortifying to be found in such a state of dishabille. What must Brida think of her? Yet none of it was as dreadful as having to continue the uncomfortable conversation with Ralph de Kinnerton.
She groaned inwardly. How had this night come to pass in the way it had?

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  How had Ralph managed to handle the previous evening with Gwen as badly as he had? He felt like a dolt in the way in which he had behaved in the warm aftermath of their lovemaking. The whole evening had been a surprising pleasure-bound journey of discovery where they had explored one another in the most intimate manner. Yet, somehow, it had ended with Ralph enquiring as to the real reasons why Gwen would not be true to her heart and marry him just as she had always intended. He had beseeched her for the truth about how she had protected him from his cousin six long years ago, instead of running away with him, because he knew it had to be more than her promise to marry Stephen.

  He had made perfectly valid points, with perfectly legitimate questions. But immediately following their intimate relations?

  No. That had not been well done of him.

  Ralph could kick himself for being an inconsiderate fool. As well as being insensitive to her needs afterwards. Like a simpleton he had blundered his way into getting Gwen to explain her aversion to marriage to him or anyone else. Instead, he should have coaxed her to speak to him about it all at a later time—not that they had much time left at this tournament. Even so, after everything that had happened, Ralph should have behaved with far more decorum.

  God above, he would never forget how she had looked in the height of their passion or how she had given herself so completely. Whatever happened between them last night would be etched on his mind in perpetuity. The way her beautiful fair hair tumbled around her, the sweet scent of her soft skin that reminded him of a dewy summer night. The way she kissed him, explored his body and had responded to him, matching him in every way.

  Oh, yes, he would treasure last night for the rest of his days.

  ‘You are very quiet this morn, my friend.’ Tom tilted his head and gave him an impassive look.

  ‘Apologies, but there is much on my mind.’

  ‘I can well imagine.’