The Nick guy pulled her closer and lifted his chin like Emery was some kind of a trophy.
Part of me wanted to just call it for the night and get a tight night of sleep in. The other part was feeling challenged. She thought he was ace? Maybe tonight he was. But guess who she’d be working with all summer? I couldn’t date her, but I couldn’t just let her make this kind of a mistake either. I had to help her see the truth about that guy. One way or another.
“Tucker?” Lauren asked, following my gaze. She sighed. “You’re into her, aren’t you?”
“What?” I frowned, testing my marshmallow. “No.”
She swallowed, shaking her head. “You know she’s barely legal, right?”
“I’m not dating this summer, Lauren.” I clamped my jaw, trying to pound that into my head. If I was, the age gap would be something to think about, but I’d heard of worse. “Even if I was, it’s really none of your business.”
She scoffed and set her stick down, dusting her hands on her jeans as she stood. “Know what? You’re right. I don’t know why I’m even trying to do this.” She shook her head and stormed back over to her group of friends.
Emery and her ex walked off together.
I returned my focus to the fire, turning the marshmallow inside until it was engulfed in flames.
“Tucker.” A familiar voice called from behind me. I turned to see June headed in my direction, saying something into the walkie talkie she was holding. “You have an urgent call in the office. It’s your brother.”
SIXTEEN
-Emery-
Nick walked me to my lodge after we left the bonfire, puffing his chest like he’d won some kind of prize. My heart swelled at the feel of his hand around mine again, but my head was clouded, doubt curling like cancerous tendrils through my logic. I shouldn’t believe a word he said, but he was so convincing . . . arguing that kissing Carly was a huge mistake, and he wouldn’t have gone to that party at all if he could go back. That his friends were stupid. That losing me made him realize how much he wanted to be with me, how much better he was when we were together. He wanted me to give him the summer to prove it. Maybe I really was being too harsh when I broke things off before.
He stopped outside my lodge and pulled me toward him. “I guess this is goodnight then?” he asked, huskily, holding me like he’d held me a million times before, looking down at me from beneath the bill of his hat. His hands locked around my waist and he pressed his body closer to mine, all the familiar longings returning with his warmth, fogging my mind. My heart raced.
I watched his lips as they lowered toward mine, so much of me aching to feel them again. But stronger than the familiar feel of his hands on my back, and the warm brush of his breath against my cheek, was the feel of her name wedged between us, growing like a thorny weed, choking out everything that should have been ours.
Carly. Carly. Carly. Carly. CARLY . . .
My brain wouldn’t let me forget. That look in his eyes wasn’t mine anymore. The feel of his touch. The scent of his cologne. She’d had it all, too, when he was supposed to belong to me.
I cleared my throat and pulled back, unhooking his arms to make space to think, my breaths pounding as fast as my thoughts.
“What?” he asked, brows wrinkling.
My eyes filled as he grabbed my hand.
“Emery. Don’t—”
“I can’t do this.” I turned my face, closing my eyes against the sting inside them, my heart imploding. “I’m sorry. I thought I could. I want to. I really want to. But I just . . . I can’t get it out of my mind.” I opened my eyes, setting them on his. “I can’t get her out of my mind, Nick.” I willed myself not to cry, but my eyes wouldn’t listen. Silent tears streamed down my face, and my lip trembled. “I can’t let go of the fact that it wasn’t just her in that video.”
“It was a stupid mistake, Emery. Come on. I kept it straight for two years before that. Two years!” He lifted his hat and swiped his hand over his head, repositioning it like a hat was the source of the problem, and not him. “You can’t just throw that kind of time away like it’s nothing.”
“No. I can’t. Every second of it meant something to me. And I know it meant something to you, too.” I shook my head again, wiping my tears away. “But I can’t throw away what you did either. As much as I wish we could go back. As much as I wish we could just let it happen again, I . . . I can’t.”
He stepped toward me and cupped my cheek, his touch so tempting, heightening the pain.
“Tell me it’s over then,” he whispered. “Tell me you don’t feel this, Emery. Tell me what we have doesn’t live inside your bones. That it doesn’t keep you up at night, make you wonder about the future.” He furrowed his brows, shaking his head. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
I wanted to believe he could love me the way he said he did. And even if he didn’t, wasn’t having him like this better than having no one at all?
It was tempting. I wasn’t the best at being alone. But, it wasn’t worth it. Even aside from the Carly thing, we were so different.
“It’s over,” I whispered, because I had to. I deserved better. It didn’t matter if it lived inside my bones, I’d find a way to get it out, because it didn’t belong.
He stepped toward me again, rubbing my arms. “Baby. Please . . . ”
The pain in his voice killed me. I wavered for an instant before crossing my arms and shaking my head. I was terrible at the game, and he didn’t play by the rules. He never had. “It’s really over this time. I’m sorry. I can’t get past it.”
He sighed, gnawing his bottom lip, nostrils flaring as I stepped back. Something changed in his eyes, shifting from want to dejection. “Is it really over, Emery? Because I’m not sure I believe it.”
I nodded, trying to mean it with all of me, but it was like I was split in two, half of me wanting one thing, the other half of me dead-set on having him, and only him, forever. “Yes.”
He stiffened, staring at the ground between us. “All right then. I’m done trying.” He walked away, leaving me alone in front of the lodge, exposing me to the night’s chill, and the chill of losing him like this. And I knew he meant what he said. This was it. He’d come to win me back and lost.
Making my mind up a final time should have felt better than it did. I’d wanted to know what it would be like to have him back. Now I knew. It felt worse than making a clean cut. I forced my feet toward my room, one after the other, until I made it to my bed, and I collapsed.
-Tucker-
June pointed to her phone behind the counter in the office. “The door’s locked. Just hit the lights when you leave.”
“Thanks.” I picked up the receiver and cleared my throat. “Hello? Kyler?”
“Tucker? Is that you?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong?” A deep ache pulled in my chest.
“I just miss you.”
“That’s why you’re calling?” I frowned. “They said it was an emergency.”
“You said I could call you whenever I needed to.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, leaning against the front counter, one overhead halogen light flickering while the other one illuminated the front of the office. “You can. But, you scared me, Bud. I thought it was something bad.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
I swallowed. “So, how’s it going, Ky?”
“Way boring.”
“Boring? It’s summer. You should be having so much fun you can’t keep your eyes open.”
“I know, but Walker doesn’t want to take me anywhere. He’s been acting weird.”
“What do you mean?” A little jolt of panic shot through my chest. I’d heard the attitude in Walker’s voice when I called home the last time, but I’d just chalked it up to a typical sixteen-year-old’s tough act game.
“He’s never really home, and I’m kind of by myself all the time now.”
“Where’s Mom? I’m sure she’s hanging with you every minute she can.”
“S
he’s working all the time. And, when she gets home she goes straight to bed.”
That didn’t sound right. “After she makes dinner, and hangs out for a minute first, right?” I picked at the edge of the counter and ran a finger over my lips, scanning the stack of papers on the desk beside the phone.
“Not really. She’s been telling me to make soup a lot.”
Huh. That wasn’t like her. “Well, do the best you can to help her, Kyler. Things are really rough for her right now.”
“I know.”
“What about Dad? Have you seen him around lately?” I was taking a shot in the dark by asking, but better than taking no shot at all.
“No. I think he forgot about us.”
I grunted. “He didn’t forget about us. He’s just a little sick right now.” That ache pulled again. It wasn’t fair. None of this was. “Hey, what’s Mom doing? Can I talk to her?”
“Hold on. Let me check.” A soft click sounded and then a few footsteps followed. “Mama,” he said, softly. “Mama, Tucker’s on the phone.”
An incoherent mumble came through.
“He wants to talk to you.”
More mumbling.
“But, he’s on the phone right now.”
Footsteps again. And then, another set.
“Hello?” There she was.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, relieved to hear her voice, even if it was groggy. At least she was there. “Are you doing okay?”
She chuckled. “Sure. Yeah. Everything’s perfect in crazy land.”
I frowned. “I know it’s tough, but you’re not alone. I’m here. Aunty Ellen’s there.”
“I’m more alone than any of the little bunnies hopping around over there, Mijo. See them? Aren’t they so cute?”
Panic flooded my chest and my throat constricted. “Mom? Are you sleepwalking?”
“Mm hmm. Good night, baby. Love you.”
A loud clanging sounded, then some more muffled words. “Tucker?”
“Ky? How long has she been like that?”
“Like what?”
I swallowed. “Sounding crazy.”
“I don’t know. Every day when she gets home she goes to sleep in her room and that’s how she is when she comes out.”
Dang. It was so much worse than I thought. “Okay. Listen. I’m calling Aunty Ellen tonight to tell her how Mom’s doing, okay? And then I want you to call me tomorrow if she’s weird again.”
“It’s okay, Tucker. I’m eleven. I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can, but I don’t want Mom getting worse.”
“Okay.”
“Love you, man. Call the office again if you need anything. I’ll come the second you say to.”
“I will.”
“Good night, Ky.”
“‘Night, Tucker.”
I waited for him to hang up. I didn’t like any part of it, but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do about it from five hours away. I called Aunty Ellen and filled her in. She promised to swing by and check on things in the morning.
That put my worries at ease, a little. I tried to forget about it for the rest of the night, but it was more disturbing than I wanted to admit. And, Dad was just out there somewhere, acting like his family didn’t exist.
I stewed on that thought as I headed into my room, Nolan sitting on his bed, in the middle of tying his shoes.
It took him all of three seconds to tell that something was wrong with me. “What happened dude? I thought the bonfire’s going strong.”
“It is.”
“Why are you back already? They’re not putting the fire out yet, are they? I napped too long.”
“No. It’s still going.”
“So, why are you here?”
I swallowed, shaking my head. “I’m not into talking tonight, Nolan.”
He nodded and stood, stretching his hands overhead with a little groan. “Don’t hesitate if you change your mind, dude.”
“I won’t.”
He left the room and I fell back onto my bed, balling the blankets in my fists, a thousand degrees of fire burning inside my chest.
Why did Dad have to do this to her?
Whatever his reason, it wasn’t good enough.
I rolled over onto my stomach and bowed my head, forcing my eyes closed as I whispered a prayer. Offering it all up to the only One with any power to do anything about it. “Please change it, God.”
SEVENTEEN
-Emery-
Memories of last night with Nick plagued me as I got ready for church and headed to the cafeteria. There were only two people there when I walked through the doors. I took a seat at an empty table and closed my eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to pray. What words do you say to God after a night like last night?
How stupid could I be?
I tried to eat something, but it was all tasteless.
“Emery?” A soft voice said, behind me. June slid into the seat next to mine, furrowing her brows. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
Her blue eyes searched my face, concern etched across her expression. “I heard you and your ex got back together. I must’ve heard wrong.”
I sighed. “Maybe for two seconds, but then I remembered why I broke up with him in the first place.”
“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.” She set a hand on my arm and shook her head.
I held her gaze. “Thanks, June.”
We ate our breakfast, the cafeteria filling up the longer we sat there. When Nick walked in, June and I headed out for the chapel.
June told me about a staffer she used to date. A guy who proposed to her before leaving on a mission trip to Africa, but he never came back. She told me she thought about following him, but she knew God had something different planned.
“Have you figured out what it was?” I asked, as she slid into a pew in the middle of the sanctuary.
She grinned, glancing to the stage where a lanky guy with glasses worked to set up a guitar and microphone. I think it was the same guy she was hanging out with at the bonfire last night.
“Nope. But I have a feeling I’m finding out pretty soon.” He looked out across the auditorium, narrowing his eyes until she waved at him. He smiled and came down from the stage, heading in our direction.
“That’s so cute,” I said, trying to inflate my voice with some type of feeling. Any feeling at all would be great.
“He’s so cute,” she whispered, her smile spreading across her face when he stopped in front of her, brushing his dark brown hair out of his eyes.
“Hey,” he said, opening his arms for a hug.
She gave him one and stepped back, nodding toward me. “This is my friend, Emery.”
He grinned. “I’m Philly.”
“Hey.” He turned back to June. “So, are you coming to the thing after?”
She nodded. “Of course. Why?”
“No reason.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll see you there?”
“Yup.” She played with the ends of her hair, eyes glowing like he was the cutest guy she’d ever seen. He made his way back to the stage as the guys from Maintenance filtered in, all of them dressed like lumberjack hipsters.
They filed into the pew two in front of ours. Tucker locked eyes with me once before he took his seat.
He probably thought I was brainless.
He wouldn’t be that far off.
June’s friends found their way to our pew, all of them making a point to say hi to me as the lights dimmed. The music started. Philly and his band played like it was their last day to live, their music and the words they sang sinking deep inside my soul, reminding me why I came here in the first place. I couldn’t help but notice Tucker’s hand lifted high, his face tilted toward the ceiling like God was hovering in the room, just waiting to hear his voice.
Chills coated my skin at the thought of God waiting to hear my voice, too.
I closed my eyes and joined in quietly, praying my words wouldn’t go
up in vain. I was so stupid listening to Nick last night, thinking I could have him when I already knew the truth behind the lie.
Whatever happened last night, I needed to re-focus. I needed to remember my reasons for coming, to center my heart on what mattered. To focus on where I was going from here. The team that was waiting for me on the other side of summer. And I really really needed to forget about guys for a while. My no-dating mantra was in place for a reason. Whatever came my way while I was here, I had to stick to my guns.
Church ended and we all filtered out.
“Hey, Emery,” a deep voice called from behind me as I passed through the front doors. I turned to see Tucker approaching, hands inside his pockets, brown eyes soft and searching. “Do you have a minute?”
I swallowed, the guilt of last night crashing through my chest again. I couldn’t believe he was even talking to me after how hard I was on him, when I was just as much of a hypocrite, probably more. “Sure.”
-Tucker-
The sun beat down on us as I walked with Emery toward the cafeteria, our pace slow and easy. I searched the crowd for her ex’s face, but he wasn’t around. A little spark of hope ignited in my chest, but I tamped it out. I’d heard the rumors at breakfast. They were back together.
This had nothing to do with any of that though. This was about being man enough to do the right thing.
“Listen, Emery. I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I’ve been stressed about stuff at home lately. Then that whole Lauren thing happened. And seeing you with your ex before work, when I know how low he brought you . . .” I shrugged, searching for the right words. “It kind of put me over the edge.” My chest tightened, but I said the next part in spite of the burning. “I don’t know why I was being so protective about it.” I sighed, stopping, turning to face her. “I think spending so much time with you’s making me feel like we’re closer than we are. I honestly didn’t want to see you get hurt. But, it’s your life, and you know him better than anyone. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I was wrong. I’m sorr—”
Falling in Fast Page 11