Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

by David C. Pollock

  Once through with school (or after dropping out), a TCK who has moved often and regularly may feel it’s time to move even when it’s not. Some ATCKs can’t stay at one job long enough to build any sort of career. Just as they are anticipating a position of new responsibility and growth, that old rolling stone instinct kicks in. They submit their letter of resignation and off they go—again always thinking the next place will be “it.”

  Sylvia raced through life. In the ten years following her graduation from university, she acquired two master’s degrees, had seven career changes, and lived in four countries. One day it struck her that while she had a vast amount of broad knowledge and experience, her career was going nowhere. And she wasn’t sure she still wanted, or knew how, to settle down.

  Some feel almost an obligation to be far from their parents, siblings, or even their own children. When it is possible to live closer, these adult TCKs choose not to. They have spent so much time separated from family that they don’t know how to live in physical proximity—or don’t want to. Others, like Bernie, have learned to deal with interpersonal conflict, including family conflict, by separating from the situation. He said, “I loved growing up with high mobility. Every time there was a problem, all I had to do was wait and either the people causing the problem left or I left. I have handled all of my life’s conflicts the same way.” Camilla is another example of how this restlessness works.

  Camilla, a foreign service ATCK, attended twelve schools in sixteen years all around the globe. Now, every two years, an internal clock goes off that says, “this assignment is up. Time to move.” she has changed jobs, houses, cities, and— twice—husbands in response to that message.

  Unfortunately, her migratory instinct has affected Camilla’s children. Although she has noticed their insecurities developing as she perpetually uproots them, Camilla appears powerless to settle down. The overt reason for change always seems clear. “I don’t like the neighborhood we’re in,” or “My boss simply doesn’t understand me,” or “I have a nasty landlord.” it never occurs to her that she is replaying a very old tape that says, “No place can ever become permanent; don’t get too attached,” or “If you have a problem, just leave.” nor does she realize it might be possible to replace the old tape with a new one that plays a message that could serve her better in some of these situations—that she can also make a choice to stay.

  Some TCKs have an opposite response to their highly mobile background. They have moved so many times, in so many ways, and to so many places, they swear they will find a place to call their own, put up the white picket fence, and never, ever, move again. Lakisha, a non-TCK married to an ATCK, told us:

  When I met Antwayne, I think I fell in love with his passport as much as I did with him. I was intrigued with all the places he had been and everything he had seen. I envisioned a life of worldwide travel and living in all sorts of exotic places. Unfortunately, I assumed wrong. When my father surprised us with a lovely bungalow for our wedding present, Antwayne was thrilled. That was the first time he shared with me how he had always dreamed of finding a place to call his own and settle down. This was it. So i’m still reading my travel magazines and dreaming.

  Lessons from the TCK Petri Dish

  A few years ago, one ATCK’s father came to Ruth and said, “My daughter isn’t rootless and restless because she’s a TCK. She’s rootless and restless because she’s part of the Gen X generation.” Is that true? If we stop to consider what creates these two characteristics in TCKs, it’s not hard to see how it could be happening for countless others in today’s world. When a child is biracial, bicultural, and an immigrant and educational CCK all at the same time, where do his roots lie? If another child has moved time and again as a domestic CCK, she can easily develop the same patterns of restlessness for all the same reasons a traditional TCK does. This seems to be another area where lessons learned from the TCK experience can be more fully explored and applied to the broader range of fellow CCKs. Next we take a further look at how the TCK experience, including this rootlessness and restlessness shapes the patterns of TCK relationships.

  CHAPTER 10

  Relational Patterns

  Multiple separations tended to cause me to develop deeper relationships more quickly. Also, when I was with family or friends, we tended to talk about things that matter spiritually, emotionally, and so on. I still become impatient with [what I see as] superficiality.1

  —Response to an ATCK survey

  RELATIONSHIPS ARE ANOTHER AREA AFFECTED BY THE paradoxical nature of the TCK experience. The wealth of friends from so many places and backgrounds is often beyond measure, yet the chronic cycles of leaving add so much loss as well.

  As we’ve seen, TCKs often define their sense of rootedness in terms of relationships rather than geography. Because of that, many TCKs will go to greater lengths than some people might consider normal to nurture relational ties with others—be they family members, friends with whom the TCKs have shared boarding school years, or other important members of their third culture community. Unfortunately, the same mobility that creates such bonding can result in relationships being a source of great conflict and pain as well. The cycle of frequent good-byes inherent in a highly mobile lifestyle can lead TCKs and ATCKs to develop patterns of self-protection against the further pain of separations that may affect relationships throughout their lives.

  Large numbers of Relationships

  TCKs usually develop a wide range of relationships as they or people around them habitually come and go. New friends enter their lives while old friends become another entry in their burgeoning address books.

  “I could travel to almost any country in the world and stay with a friend,” Tom bragged after one transition seminar. This may sound like an exaggeration, but for many adult TCKs it’s the truth. With friends from their childhood now in countless places, TCKs build a rich international network that is useful for all sorts of things—from finding cheap room and board while traveling to setting up business connections later in life.

  The problem with having this many relationships, however, is that eventually they simply can’t all be maintained—even on Facebook. Renee learned this the hard way.

  ATCK Renee’s list of friends on Facebook grew to over 800 names. Each time she posted her information, many friends replied. She tried to answer each one personally with a short note, but in the end, no matter how hard she tried to keep up, her messages to answer always exceeded the time available to do so. She fell farther and farther behind on individual answers, but presumed her friends would understand she was thinking of them through her general postings.

  Then she attended a wedding and met an african friend from her five years in Malawi. When Renee rushed to greet him warmly, his response was exceedingly cool.

  “Seems like you’ve forgotten us,” he said.

  Renee was dumbfounded. “How can you say that?”

  “Well, you haven’t called for months, and you don’t write us personally anymore. My wife and I have been wondering what we’ve done to offend you.”

  Of course, Renee felt terrible that she had hurt her friends, but finally had to accept the sad reality that she wasn’t going to be able to keep up with every wonderful person she had ever met—even in today’s high-tech age.

  Deep and Valued Relationships

  Throughout the world, relationships move through various levels of communication as people get to know each other. While there are undoubtedly different ways this happens in various cultures, here is a common pattern for how relationships are established.

  1. Superficial level: This involves conversation generally referred to as “small talk.”How are you? Where are you from? The weather or today’s headlines.

  2. “Still safe” level: This is an exchange of no-risk facts. Where did you go on vacation last year? What sights did you see?

  3. Judgmental level: Here, we begin to risk a few statements about our opinions on politics, religion, or other matte
rs about which our new friend might disagree with us.

  4. Emotional level: We begin sharing how we feel about life, ourselves, and others (e.g., that we’re sad, glad, worried, or depressed).

  5. Disclosure level: We reveal our most private thoughts and feelings to another person, confessing secret dreams as well as painful failures.This stage involves an honesty and vulnerability that lead to true intimacy. Most of us only have a few people in our lives with whom we share at this level. Some people have no one to share such a place.

  One common complaint from at least Canadian and U.S. American TCKs is that they feel people in their home cultures are “shallow.” Conversations with peers seem boring, and the TCKs long for the good old days with their international friends. Why is this such a common complaint?

  It has to do with these levels of relationships. People in different cultures not only enter but move through the various levels at different paces. Some cultures jump past the small talk quickly and treat strangers like long-lost cousins, inviting them to stay the night, eat what they want, and come as often as they wish. In other cultures nobody bothers to go next door to say hello to the family that just moved in from who knows where.

  For various reasons, TCKs seem prone to passing quickly through levels 1 and 2 and getting immediately into topics that fall into level 3. In other words, while others are still at the “polite” stages, TCKs are offering opinions on and asking what others think about such topics as how the president’s term is going, what the government should do on its immigration policy, or whether the United Nations should intervene in some new world crisis. When others either don’t seem to care about such things or don’t want to express their opinions, TCKs deem them shallow—and who knows what those others think of the TCKs?

  Why do TCKs often jump into these at least supposedly deeper levels of communication faster than others? There are a number of reasons. One of these is cultural habit. On an Internet chat group for TCKs, this matter of relational levels became a hot topic of discussion. An interesting response came from a Dutch ATCK, Ard A. Louis, who grew up in Gabon and now lives in New York. He wrote:

  At least among educated Europeans, it’s very common to discuss politics or other potentially divisive topics upon a first encounter. In fact, sometimes we look for something to argue about on purpose. Part of being “educated” is being able to talk about art, philosophy, politics, etc. . . . And argue your points if need be.

  This is very different with Americans, who seem always to look for points of common interest. For example, how often when you meet someone do they ask where you’re from and then try to find some point of commonality like “I’ve been there” or “Do you know so and so?”

  Another very common topic of discussion is pop culture, especially movies/TV shows most people have seen. (Pop culture is the great unifying factor in the U.S.—and being well versed in its history helps tremendously in fitting in.) thus, a very common first impression of Europeans arriving in the U.S. is that Americans are superficial because they seem to have no opinions about even their own political situation, let alone what’s happening in the rest of the world.2

  Ard’s point is that the methods and styles of relating to one another differ from culture to culture according to cultural habit. When we discuss entering relationships at a “deeper level,” perhaps this is only in comparison to particular cultures, as Ard discusses in his impression of U.S. Culture. In reality, discussing politics in some cultures may be no closer to true intimacy than talking about the weather in other cultures. This, of course, calls into question the universality of how the levels themselves are defined.

  Another ATCK recounted how this mix-up of culturally appropriate relationship styles caught him unaware.

  I’d never met this Israeli businessman before that evening, but during supper I asked him how the political situation in Israel was doing. Another U.S. American, Lisa, who was also eating with us almost spit out her food and instantly changed the subject of conversation. When we finished that new topic and I went back to my original question, Lisa had the same reaction. Afterwards she told me how horribly rude I’d been to ask such a question of someone I barely knew. Frankly, I was stunned. Here was a guy with lots of information about key world issues and Lisa thought I shouldn’t talk about it. So I asked her why. She told me in her family you were never allowed to talk about religion or politics because that always caused trouble and I wondered: What else would you talk about? until I heard about these different levels of communication and personal relationships, I couldn’t understand why I shouldn’t start with political questions.3

  There are three other reasons TCKs may jump more quickly than others into what we are calling deeper levels of relationship:

  1. Practice: Many TCKs know how to get into relationships fairly quickly when.they want to simply because they have had to start so many.They have learned to observe the dynamics of a situation, ask questions that can help open a door, hopefully be sensitive to cultural cues of what is or is not appropriate for this group, and respond appropriately when others approach them.

  2. Content: The store of knowledge from the various experiences they have had.feeds into many different topics, so they often at least think they have something relevant to say.Because of their parents’ careers, TCKs often grow up in homes where discussions on a current political crisis, starving children, religious views, or solutions to the economic woes of the country are standard fare. To express opinions on these topics is normal and people around them seem interested because the TCK’s firsthand insights may help others understand the complexity of issues in the newspaper or on television that are happening an ocean away.

  3. Sense of urgency: TCKs may also jump into deeper levels of communication . quickly because there is little time to develop a particular relationship.They understand that if something doesn’t happen now, perhaps it never will. TCKs routinely meet people of incredible diversity who can teach them so much about their part of the world. Why waste time in small talk? In one sense, almost everyone can be an instant friend. Because they have connected at a relatively deep level, many of these quick relationships do become long-term friendships—or at least part of that bulging address book for occasional telephone calls, Facebook list, and yearly letters.

  In Military Brats, Mary Edwards Wertsch discusses the “forced extroversion” the military lifestyle fosters because time is too short to wait to make friends. She says one technique she used to break into new groups was the “confessional impulse.” In quickly spilling family secrets (a level 4 or 5 disclosure), she sent a message that she wanted to invest in a new friendship. Often her confession was met by a mutual confession from the new friend. Wertsch also says that military kids might be more willing to be open than their civilian counterparts because they probably won’t be around to deal with any negative consequences from these confessions.4

  Non-TCKs who are used to staying at the first or second level of relationships for relatively long periods may misread TCKs who jump in at a deeper level. This type of confusion happened at a camp where Dave Pollock served as a seminar leader.

  Several days after camp started, a group of tearful, non-TCK young women sought Dave out. They felt completely confused by actions of the tck males. A young man would engage one of these young women in, to them, deep and meaningful conversation, and she would think he was interested in her. But the next day he would do the same with someone else. After three days the young women were confused, angry with each other, and angry at the young men.

  When Dave spoke to the guys, they were shocked that these girls thought they had even considered anything more than a friendship for this week at camp. The TCK young men said they had no romantic presuppositions whatsoever. They just wanted to get to know these young women, find out what they thought about life, the world, their faith, and other assorted interesting topics. It seemed like a perfect chance to understand more about non-TCK Americans. But the seriousness of the convers
ation communicated a level of warmth and relationship that meant something quite different to the young women.

  TCKs usually place a high value on their relationships—especially those from their TCK world. Often the style and intensity of friendship within the international third culture is quite different from the types of friendship they have in their home country. Most expatriate families live far from relatives and tend to reach out to one another as surrogate families in times of need. When there is a coup, it’s the friends in this international community who are together in the fear, the packing, the wondering, and the leaving. Without doubt, a great deal of bonding that lasts a lifetime takes place at such times.

  Relationships—both with friends and family at home as well as with friends from their third culture world—are also valued because they give the TCKs a sense of connectedness. These relationships are the one place TCKs can say, “Do you remember when . . . ?” and someone actually does!

  A TCK’s wedding is usually quite a sight. When Robin married Kevin, her high school sweetheart from boarding school, you would have thought you were in Africa rather than in New York. Papier mâché palm trees framing a painted mural of a tropical beach decorated the reception hall. Kevin and his groomsmen all wore flowing robes from Sierra Leone. Robin’s dad wore a country-cloth chief’s robe as he walked her down the aisle. Friends came from far and near, filling the pews with equally colorful attire. The wedding had turned into a mini-reunion. Watching these TCKs chatter unceasingly throughout the reception was like watching long-lost family members reunite. There was no question about how they viewed their relationships from the past.