6. If the family does decide to move, how will it take advantage of the cross-cultural opportunities ahead?It’s a sad waste for families to live in another country and culture and not be enriched by the experience. Without some planning, it’s easy for life in the new place overseas to become as routine as it was in suburbia back home. Sadly, the vast resources for learning—whether it be about the history of this new country or the geographical and cultural differences they see around them—are often unthinkingly ignored. One ATCK environmentalist chided her mother, “Mom, we lived in the middle of a tropical rain forest, and you never taught me a thing about it.” The truth was that her mother had never thought a thing about the trees and plants in their host country any more than those in their home country. To her, they were simply the environment they lived in, not a rain forest to be studied.
7. What educational options are available in the new setting? This is a crucial matter to consider before accepting any particular assignment. In the early years of global mobility, schooling options were limited and most TCKs attended boarding school. This has largely changed, but it means parents need to think through even more options. In chapter 15 we look at the pros and cons of various educational choices, but this is a discussion that should happen in the decision-making process as parents consider an overseas assignment.
8. How will the family prepare to leave? Once parents decide to make the move, they must consider how to help their children through the transition process (see chapter 14 for a detailed discussion). Closure is as important to a child as it is to an adult. Leaving well has as profound an impact on the ability of children to enter well and adjust successfully as it does on adults.
Cross-cultural living can be a wonderful experience in countless ways, but it is far better when it begins with clear thinking and good planning rather than with naïve visions of a romantic adventure.
Foundation Blocks for Healthy TCKs
Once parents decide to move their family into a cross-cultural situation, it means that they have also decided to raise TCKs. Fortunately, this isn’t a malady they inflict on their children; in fact, in most situations it’s a great gift. And every parent we have met wants to know how they can help ensure that their children not only survive, but also thrive, in the upcoming adventure.
While there’s no perfect formula for “How to Raise TCKs 100 Percent Successfully,” the most basic principle is what we said earlier: never forget a TCK is still a kid and needs consistent, loving parenting like any other child. The following foundation blocks are reminders of other principles that will help parents build a foundation strong enough to support their children as they explore the new opportunities and challenges they will encounter while living and moving among many cultural worlds. While these guidelines are important for all children, for TCKs, whose world is in continual flux, they are critical.
PARENT-TO-PARENT RELATIONSHIP
We realize not all TCKs live with two biological parents. Some families are blended through marriage or adoption; other TCKs are raised in single-parent families. Regardless, the relationship between parents is of vital importance. There are three critical areas parents must examine.
1. Commitment to each other. Commitment. May be an unfashionable word to some these days, but it remains an important one. Commitment gets a couple through the days when they wonder if it’s worth sticking around. Commitment forces parents who may no longer live together to work out their differences in a way that considers the good of their child. Commitment is what keeps us going rather than throwing in the towel. It’s how we grow. Parents considering a change as major as a cross-cultural move need to make sure they are sufficiently committed to one another, their relationship, and their family to make the necessary personal sacrifices to achieve their common goals.
2. Respect and support for one another. These go hand in hand with commitment. When kids know their parents’ relationship is solid, they feel secure, particularly in the midst of the chaos of a move. They also need to see that their parents like each other. Small signs of affection—pecks on the cheek while passing or holding hands while watching TV—may not seem very important, but for children, these types of actions assure them that all is well with Mom and Dad. That’s one area they don’t have to worry about. If parents are no longer together, showing respect and not demeaning the other parent to any child is also important.
3. Willingness to nurture the relationship. A new cultural environment can change a couple’s traditional ways of nurturing their relationship. Elegant restaurants aren’t available for a lovely anniversary meal. Visitors pop in un-announced any time of the day or night, restricting the opportunities for quiet, private conversations. Couples in cross-cultural settings often have to find creative ways to keep their relationship vibrant, realizing this is vital to their family as well as themselves.
PARENT-TO-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
Parents are the most important caregivers in any child’s life. Indeed, researchers say that this relationship is the single most significant factor in determining how TCKs (or any kids) ultimately fare.2 This is where children form their first inklings of personal identity. They begin to discover where they belong, that they have value, and that someone believes in them. This profoundly important relationship must be nurtured intentionally, especially in the midst of cross-cultural stress or the chaos of moving.
Children need to be valued. Knowing that what we think and feel makes a difference to those around us is part of feeling significant as a human being. That means someone must know us well enough to be sensitive to what we think and feel. That’s what parents do for children. Parents of TCKs communicate that they value their children in all the usual ways parents normally do: by listening when children talk, by asking good questions, by seeking clarification when a child speaks or acts in a way parents don’t quite understand, by giving a quiet hug. A special challenge for parents of TCKs, however, is that their children are often growing up in a different world from the one they knew as children. Because the parents are seeing this new world through adult eyes, they may not realize how stressful some cross-cultural situations can at least initially be to their children. Some ATCKs have told us of the extreme fear they felt when they first did such a normal thing as going to a local market—they were targets of constant attention and rude remarks simply because they were foreigners. When their parents said, “Don’t be silly; no one is going to hurt you,” as they continued walking through the crowd, the fear—and shame for being afraid—only increased. Others have known tremendous stress because of the political climate in the new country. Parents need to listen carefully and not brush off their child’s concern or behavior as silly until they understand the reason for it.
International businessman Byron. and his family survived a coup, seemingly unscathed in spite of machine gun fire in their front yard one night. Shortly after the coup, however, one daughter became panicked when the family car developed a flat tire and they stopped by the side of the road to fix it. After a second flat tire the very next day, this daughter refused to take any more car trips with the family.
Why did a simple flat tire cause her so much panic? When questioned, she said something about the “soldiers”; when questioned further, however, the cause of her panic finally became apparent: the first tire went flat near an army barracks, where soldiers walked around with guns prominently displayed. Their daughter had panicked, afraid that if the soldiers came after them or started to shoot, there would be no way for the family to escape because of the flat tire. With soldiers present throughout the city, she didn’t want to risk being caught in such a situation again.
Another way to let children know they are valued is to include them in the discussion of decisions that will affect them, such as the possibility of a global move. Sometimes parents try to protect their children and keep them from worrying by not telling them about an impending move until just before it happens. Despite the good intentions, such a delay prevents children
from having the time to process the changes that are ahead. Of course, kids don’t have the final say in their parents’ career choices, but when included early in discussions and preparations, they hear the all-important message that their needs are respected. They’ll know they are valued members of the family.
The following list of questions from cross-cultural educator Shirley Torstrick helps parents assess how well they have been listening to their child.3
What makes your child really angry?
Who is your child’s best friend?
What color would your child like his or her room to be?
Who is your child’s hero?
What embarrasses your child most?
What is your child’s biggest fear?
What is your child’s favorite subject in school?
What is the subject your child dislikes most?
What is your child’s favorite book?
What gift from you does your child cherish most?
What person outside your family has most influenced your child?
What is your child’s favorite music?
What is your child’s biggest complaint about the family?
Of what accomplishment is your child proudest?
Does your child feel too big or too small for his or her age?
If you could buy your child anything in the world, what would be his or her first choice?
What has been the biggest disappointment in your child’s life?
What does your child most like to do as a family?
When does your child prefer to do her or his homework?
What makes your child sad?
What does your child want to be as an adult?
It’s likely the more of these that parents can answer, the more their kids feel valued.
Children need to be special. A parent’s greatest gift to any child is letting them know beyond any doubt that there is somewhere in this world where they are unconditionally loved and accepted and that no one else could ever replace them. That place is in the family.
For many TCKs, however, the need to feel special is an area of particular vulnerability. Many have parents who are involved in important, high-energy, people-oriented jobs. Sometimes TCKs feel their needs are less important than those with whom their parents work, but this may not be expressed until years after the fact, and parents are surprised. Words like “I felt abandoned” or “I felt like an orphan” shock parents who never knew their kids wanted them to be more emotionally or physically present. Parents of TCKs need to make sure, as they are out dealing with the world, that there are spaces reserved for family time—no matter what other apparently urgent matters arise.
Children need to be protected. Everyone needs a sense of safety before they can move ahead in life. Children especially need to know this—and their main hope for safety is trusting that Mom and Dad will protect them in every way possible. Parents certainly agree; they want to protect their children as well.
For parents, however, protecting their children can be more complicated than they expect when they move to a place with different rules not only for what is acceptable, but also for what is safe. Walking alone to the store might be safe in one environment and risky in another. Parents used to the safety of public transportation in Japan never thought twice about putting their children in a taxi in another country during their vacation. Unfortunately, the taxi driver robbed the children and left them off in a totally different place from where the parents expected them to go.
We stress the importance of protection because of the deep expressions of pain we have heard from TCKs who have felt unprotected by parents or other caregivers. Sometimes they felt pushed out on their own too soon into a new school or community, especially when they didn’t know the new language yet. They felt it during leave when it seemed, to the TCKs, that they were put on display against their will for church congregations or relatives.
The worst stories, however, are from those who were left with a caregiver— whether a dorm parent in a boarding school, a domestic worker, a fellow expat in the host country, or a friend or relative in the home country—and were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by the person parents trusted to take care of them. The trauma is intensified, of course, if the parents refused to believe what had happened, sometimes sending their child back to that same situation. Although no parent would knowingly send a child to an abuser, the fact that often TCKs have been abused by the very people parents trusted can make it seem at some deep level that the parents themselves sanctioned the abuse. This is one reason it often takes years before the child (now an adult) will tell the parents what really happened.
Parents can help children not only feel, but be, protected. Children who will attend a school in a new language need to learn at least some words before they begin. TCKs who express resistance at being “little missionaries” or “little ambassadors” shouldn’t be forced into that role. Children are persons in their own right, not merely extensions of their parents. They need to be respected as such.
With fewer young children away at boarding schools, and with e-mail, instant messaging, Skype, and cell phones, it’s much easier to make sure there is a way for children to have direct contact with parents when they are away. Contact must be a priority when children are at school in more remote areas where some of this technology may not be as available. As for all children, it is important to teach TCKs concepts of personal safety and private body zones. Children need to be reminded that their parents will always believe them and protect them—no matter what anyone else might say. And then, if the child does report some potential or actual infringement, parents must be prepared to intervene on that child’s behalf—even if doing so may put their career at risk. Since the first edition of this book, the number of stories we have heard of child abuse has increased. We believe one reason may be that parents trust others in their expatriate or local communities they know and forget to take precautions they might in other situations.
Children need to be comforted. We talked about the importance of comfort in chapter 5. Being comforted communicates that parents care and understand, even if the situation can’t be changed. Parents should remember, particularly in any transition experience, that the quietest, most compliant child may be grieving and need comforting the most.
TCKS’ PERCEPTION OF PARENTS’ WORK
Nietzsche once said, “I can endure any how if I have a why.” TCKs who understand and value what their parents do are more willing to work through the challenges than those who don’t.
Many TCKs feel pride to have parents involved in careers that can make a difference in the world. They feel part-owners (and thus significant) in the process because their family traveled together so Mom or Dad could do the job. Any challenges are small compared to what is being accomplished.
Other TCKs, however, express great bitterness toward parents involved in international careers. What makes the difference? Certainly the parents’ attitude toward the job, the host country and culture, and the sincerity of the political or religious beliefs that motivated them to go abroad in the first place are critical factors. Parents who feel and act positively toward their situation and the host country people with whom they are working communicate that attitude to their children. On the other hand, the parent who shows disrespect for the people or culture of the host country can make the young TCK observer wonder why the family is there at all. When the going gets tough, the question can quickly change from “Why are we here?” to “Why don’t we go home?” Once that question is raised, the TCKs often begin acting out in ways that may be disruptive to the parent’s career: international business kids end up breaking local laws; foreign service kids start covering the embassy walls with graffiti; missionary kids blatantly smoke, drink, use drugs, or get pregnant; military kids may join an antiwar demonstration.
A particular irony can happen, however, when parents feel it’s time to repatriate. Some TCKs who have valued what their parents are doi
ng question how these parents could be “giving up.” For them, leaving casts a retrospective doubt on their whole experience. Once more, communication is important: parents should let children know of the upcoming move and the true reasons for it— even if the children have difficulty listening.
POSITIVE SPIRITUAl CORE
This foundation block is the child’s awareness that there is a stable spiritual core in their parents’ lives and in the life of the family as a whole. Barbara Schaetti talks about this as a final step in a TCK’s identity development.
Certainly it is valuable to be able to understand different truths as represented in different cultures, to withhold judgment and interpretation. This is part of the global nomad birthright. At the same time, however, it is important for the adult global nomad to plant his or her feet in personal truth, one not dependent on circumstance. “this is what I believe, regardless of the cultural context in which I find myself. I may alter my behavior according to changing circumstances, but my truth remains my truth.”4
In a world where moral values and practices can be radically different from one place to another, this block of maintaining a constancy of identifiable core beliefs and values is the key to true stability throughout life. When it is strongly in place, TCKs are equipped to remain on a steady course, no matter which culture or cultures they live in.
Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds Page 23