Lessons from the TCK Petri Dish
Perhaps the one essential reminder here is that parents of many types of CCKs face extra challenges as they try to steer their children through the often uncharted waters of new cultural patterns before them—ones unlike their own childhood experiences. It is good to remember that in the outward complexity of our cultural mixing world, the basics of what children need and want remain the same, both for CCKs and non-CCKs alike.
CHAPTER 14
Dealing with Transition
My husband, one-year-old, and I once traveled to Portugal with another couple. All the adults were over 5 feet 10 inches tall, and my friend was 6 months pregnant. We were a group of very large and imposing people walking down the small ancient streets. The townspeople looked at us rather warily. Then my daughter, wearing a straw hat, sitting happily in her backpack carrier, would poke her head around my husband’s and give a big, silly smile. The warmth spread through the street, and suddenly we felt welcomed.
Life abroad with an infant is different from life abroad in any other stage of life. Make it work for you!1
—Anne P. Copeland, from Global Baby
AS ANNE DISCOVERED, transition with TCKs often starts when they are infants. She writes, “The fact that I moved to London with a toddler and had a baby while there was the defining feature to my overseas assignment.”2 And think of what it did for her daughters. From their earliest Moments, they were living a global lifestyle.
Another part of building a strong foundation for TCKs is making sure highly mobile families learn to deal well with the entire process of transition. Parents and others in the community, including teachers and school staff, can work pro-actively to deal with the losses inherent in any transition experience, for their TCKs as well as for themselves. Families who learn to do this not only help their children be able to move ahead with confidence, but also give them great tools for living in an increasingly mobile world. We won’t be able to stop these new patterns of mobility—nor should we—but that’s why it’s so important to learn to navigate them well.
In chapter 5 we discussed the common characteristics of the five stages in any transition experience: involvement, leaving, transition, entering, and reinvolvement. Keep in mind that everyone in the family will go through these stages at different rates, and it’s not always a simple forward direction for anyone. It’s also important for those who will be remaining behind to be involved in positive plans for the upcoming transition. No one in the family or community escapes the impact of mobility. For simplicity’s sake, however, we will again offer suggestions mainly for making this as smooth an event as possible for the family who itself is leaving. Here, then, are some concrete ways parents and their TCKs can not only survive transition, but also grow in the process.
From Involvement through Leaving
The time has finally come. After carefully thinking through the pros and cons, the decision is made: the family will be moving to a new place and, for many TCKs, a new world. With that decision, each member of the family moves from the comfortable transition stage of involvement they have hopefully been in to the leaving stage. Whether this move is between countries or even to a new location in the same country, leaving is a critical stage for everyone to navigate well.
Some parents have asked us when is the best time to let the kids know. A few tell us they don’t want to let their children know at all.
After listening to Dave talk about transition at one conference, a woman came up to him and said, “Do you really believe it is better to let the kids know ahead of time? Our children had an awful time moving for our last relocation. My husband just found out we’ll be changing countries again and we’ve decided not to tell them ahead of time. We plan to send the children to my parents in another country, go back to our home, pack up, move, then get the kids again and take them to the new place. What’s wrong with that plan?”
Dave wanted to say, “Everything!!!” but he restrained himself and tried to remind this woman that no matter when the children discovered they were moving, it would be hard for them. But it would be a thousand times worse if they never had a chance to say good-bye to the world where they now lived. In addition, how would her children ever trust her or her husband again in the future any time they sent the children to visit their grandparents?
We believe that once parents know a move is on the horizon and it is okay for it to be public knowledge in the community, children should be told. Older children who can be trusted with knowledge a corporation or embassy may not yet want public about a parent’s assignment may, of course, be told when the parents first know. As we said earlier, knowing in advance gives everyone a good opportunity to begin the necessary process of both closure in the present environment and proper anticipation of the new.
This leaving stage is a critical one to do well if parents want not only to make the current transition as smooth as possible, but also to help their children grow in the process rather than become stuck in some of the challenges we have mentioned already. Since denials—of parents, TCKs, or those of friends around us—and Moments of special recognition, such as graduation or farewell ceremonies, don’t change the ultimate reality of this leave-taking, it’s essential that all involved—parents, TCKs, teachers, friends, others in the community—face and deal with the normal grief inherent in leaving a place and people we love. Doing this rather than running away from it will allow a healthy transition process to continue. We also need to look ahead realistically and optimistically. How can we do both: face our approaching losses squarely while still looking forward with hope? The best way is by making sure we go through proper closure during this leaving stage. Without that, the rest of the transition process can be very bumpy indeed, and settling on the other side will be much more difficult. Leaving right is a key to entering right.
BUILDING A “RAFT”
The easiest way to remember what’s needed for healthy closure is to imagine building a raft. By lashing four basic “logs” together, we will be able to keep the raft afloat and get safely to the other side.
• Reconciliation
• Affirmation
• Farewells
• Think destination
Reconciliation. Any time we face a move from one place to another, it’s easy to deal with tensions in relationships by ignoring them. We think, “In two weeks I’ll be gone and never see that friend again anyway. Why bother trying to work out this misunderstanding?” Children can do the same in their own ways, particularly if they have begun to withdraw emotionally from the current place.
Unfortunately, when we refuse to resolve interpersonal conflicts from the past or new conflicts that arise as we unconsciously “lean away,” two things can happen. First, we are so focused on how good it will be to get away from this problem that we not only skip over the reconciliation needed for good closure, but we also ignore the total process of closure and don’t move on to building the rest of the RAFT. Second, the difficulties don’t go away when we move. Instead, as we leave, we carry with us our mental baggage of unresolved problems. This is a poor choice for three reasons: bitterness is never healthy for anyone; the old discontentment can interfere with starting new relationships; and if we ever move back to this same place and have to face these people again, it will be much harder to resolve the issues then. We’ve met some ATCKs who refuse to attend school reunions because they still don’t want to meet certain people who hurt them or whom they know they also hurt. What a sad memory to carry throughout a lifetime.
Reconciliation includes both the need to forgive and to be forgiven. How that happens may vary among cultures. In one culture, it might mean going directly to the person with whom we have a conflict and addressing the issues. In another culture, it may mean using an intermediary. Obviously, true reconciliation depends on the cooperation and response of the other party as well, but we at least need to do all we can to reconcile any broken relationships before leaving. For children, it can be diff
erent from adults. If parents or others see that children have an unresolved conflict, they will likely have to try to help the child toward some sort of resolution. Perhaps simply talking with the child, seeing if there might be a time to get the child together with the friend or teacher with whom they are struggling, or finding some other way to help that child see the other person in a new light can be helpful in the long term of that child’s life. It’s amazing how long children can remember the particular pain of the shame from a teacher or bullying from a fellow student in a way that keeps them bound with anger for years.
Affirmation. Relationships are built and maintained through affirmation— the acknowledgment that each person in this relationship matters. Again, styles or customs of affirmation vary from culture to culture and may be expressed differently according to the age of each child, but in every culture, in every age bracket, an important part of closure is to let others know we respect and appreciate them. Here are several suggestions for ways families can do this.
1. Have children identify who their special teachers or other favorite adults in the community are. Encourage them to use pictures from a magazine to make a collage or have them draw a picture showing something they like best about being in this teacher’s class or why this other adult is such a favorite.
2. Encourage children to think of something they might like to give a friend as a small memento to represent a special time they have shared or that represents their special friendship.
3. As a family, send a note with a small gift to your neighbors to let them know what you’ve learned about kindness, faith, love, or perseverance through your interactions with them.
4. When leaving family members behind, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, help children write specific reasons they appreciate being that person’s grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin, and then deliver the note with some owers the children help to pick out.
Obviously, there are countless other ways to show affirmation. The point is that acknowledging others helps us as well as those we affirm. It not only solidifies our relationships for future contact, but in expressing what they have meant to us, we are reminded of what we have gained from living in this place. Part of good closure is acknowledging our blessings—both to rejoice in them and to properly mourn their passing.
Farewells. Saying good-bye to people, places, pets, and possessions in culturally and age-appropriate ways is important if we don’t want to have deep regrets later. We need to schedule time for these farewells during the last few weeks and days.
One woman forgot to take into account that in the local culture everyone must come to the departing friend’s house on the last day to bid a final farewell. In order not to offend the countless people who streamed in all day long, she visited with each one in turn. By the end of the day, her bags still weren’t packed and she missed her flight!
Here are some suggestions for saying farewell in four key areas (all of which just happen to begin with p): people, places, pets, possessions
• People: Farewells to significant people in our lives are crucial. Parents should take special care to help their children say good-bye to people with whom they have had meaningful relationships in the past as well as the present, including those from the local community who may have been caregivers. Helping kids say good-bye may include things like baking a few cookies with them to give to that special person. Brave parents sometimes schedule a party or overnight so their children can have a final chance to say good-bye to close friends. When times are planned for intentionally saying farewell, anticipating those special times can go a long way toward helping children avoid the excessive pulling away that can lead to those long-term consequences we discussed earlier.
• Places:Everyone has places that evoke an emotional response. It may be a spot tied to a special Moment in our lives (our engagement, for instance) or where we go when we are upset or where certain events always occur. These are the places we come back to visit and show our children years later. Part of healthy closure includes visiting such sites to reminisce and say farewell. This is particularly important for TCKs who may be losing their whole world with next week’s plane ride. Many TCKs we have talked to mourn for the favorite tree they used to climb years after they have left the land of their childhood. People say good-bye to places in different ways. Some plant a tree that will grow long after they are gone, symbolizing a living, ongoing connection to this part of their lives. Others leave a hidden secret message or “treasure” to look for in case they should return. No matter how it is done, openly acknowledging this time as a true good-bye is important, as is recognizing that this stage in life and all that these places represent to us are passing.
• Pets:Pets aren’t equally important in every culture, but they can be significant when it comes to good-byes. TCKs need to know how their pets will be cared for and who will love them. If the pet must be put to sleep, everyone who cares for that pet, particularly children, should say good-bye. Some TCKs tell us how devastated they were after parents promised their pet would be happy in a new home, only to find out months or years later that the dog was euthanized or the chicken given to someone for food.
• Possessions: One problem (some might say blessing!) international sojourners face is that they can rarely take all their possessions with them when they move. Parents may delight in the chance to throw out a child’s dirty rock collection, never realizing how precious those rocks were to their child. Certainly, we realize part of life is letting go, but parents should talk with their children about what to take and what to leave as they pack. Everyone in the family needs to carry some treasured items to the new location. These become part of the collection of sacred objects that help connect one part of a global nomad’s life to the next. But sometimes even treasures must be left behind. When that happens, it’s important to part with them consciously. Placing a precious object in the hands of someone else as a gift or taking photographs of it are two ways to say good-bye to an inanimate but important old friend.
The celebratory rituals of farewell commonly associated with certain types of transitions, such as graduations or retirement parties, are another important part of building this raft. Taking the time for “rites of passage” gives us markers for remembering meaningful places and people and directly addressing the fact that we are saying farewell.
This normal pattern can be complicated for internationally mobile families. Many of them permanently return to their home country after the oldest child graduates from secondary school abroad. The graduating TCK goes through the rites of passage—the graduation ceremony, and the “wailing wall” afterward, where all line up and say good-bye to one another. However, the needs of the younger children for the same types of closure when they leave for the passport country are often overlooked. This can later add greatly to the younger child’s sense of “unfinished business,” while the older TCK in the same family is off and running once he or she gets to the homeland. Remember, every member of the family needs to build the RAFT during any leaving process.
Think destination. Even as we are saying the good-byes and processing the sad reality of those good-byes, we need to think realistically about our destination: Where are we going? What are some of the positives and negatives we can expect to find once we get there? Will we have electricity and running water? How will we learn to drive on the other side of the road? Do we need to take a transformer with us to keep our 110-volt appliances from burning out on a 220-volt electrical system?
This is also the time to look at our external (e.g., finances, family support structure) and internal (e.g., ability to deal with stress or change) resources for coping with problems we might encounter. What resources will we find in the new location and what will we need to take with us? Who can help us adjust to the new culture when we get there? This is the best time to find out from the sponsoring agency who will meet us at the airport, where we will stay until housing is located, and what that housing will be.
> While these are primarily the concerns parents need to consider, thinking destination is equally important for children. Practical things such as maps, pictures of the next house or school, details of the upcoming itinerary, and places that may be visited along the way are all helpful tools parents can use to help children think and plan ahead. Increasingly, there are books like those Beverly Roman and others have written for preteens and young children in this leaving stage to use in this process, such as The League of Super Movers and My Family Is Moving. If at all possible, this is also a great time to try to make contact with other families or children who are in the new place or are already attending the new school so that mentors are already being put in place.
If we don’t think through some of these issues, the adjustment for all members of the family may be rockier than it needs to be once we arrive at the new destination. If we are expecting too much, we’ll be disappointed. If we don’t expect enough, we may not use the resources available, thereby making life more complicated than necessary. Of course, we can never have a perfect picture of what life in the new place will be like, and we must always recognize that each member of the family will go through the stages of transition at a different pace, but doing our best to prepare beforehand can prevent a lot of problems later on.
After all of this thorough preparation in the leaving stage, it’s time to move on into the transition stage itself.
Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds Page 24