Unmanageable

by Lavinia Kent

  That was what got her. If anything, Charlotte was normally professional, so what had happened? Why had Veronica had so little notice of what was coming? It made her want to scream. She couldn’t exactly call Charlotte and demand answers. Not when everyone was talking about how much her sister had to do.

  It didn’t help that her father had come in a couple of times to ask questions, questions about things she’d barely had a chance to open the folder on, much less read about.

  And it wasn’t like she’d slept well the night before. Her head was beginning to pound and the one thing she was glad of was that she didn’t have to face Brian tonight. She’d texted him early and explained the situation, asking him to keep Baxter until late. She wasn’t completely sure he’d fully believed her, but it had been the truth. Even if it was also true that there was no way she could have dealt with him calmly when she was feeling like this.

  When her father stopped in her door at the end of the day, she had to grit her teeth, prepared for another chide.

  Instead he smiled. “Hey, honey, you look pretty. I’m glad you’re keeping up. I know it can’t be easy. I am sure you’re looking forward to when this is all over.”

  Should she ask about what all over meant? Was he talking about Charlotte’s wedding or his own decisions? “I’m getting by. What can I do for you?”

  He was silent for a moment, just watching her.

  She wondered if he was going to say more.

  Finally, “You look happy.”

  She blinked. Happy? She had a killer headache and shadows under her eyes. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “I wasn’t sure when you wanted to come work here. It didn’t seem like a good job for you, but now I see that you fit, that you know how to put the work first. I thought you’d have given up and left to have babies before this—or even worse, wanted to work one of those adjusted schedules women want after they have children.”

  He was lucky that no one else could hear him. If he wasn’t careful, at some point he was going to end up in a discrimination lawsuit—although perhaps that was why he was thinking of retiring. Did he realize that the world he lived in was becoming outdated? And did his words mean that he was thinking of making her partner? A small glow of hope began to grow in her chest. Maybe everything would be worth it? “I do put work first. Surely you must know that after all these years. It’s part of why I want you to keep the Forbidden Cove office open. I think it serves our clients well. Why should they have to travel into the city from their summer places?”

  He was silent.

  Why was she such a coward? How hard could it be to ask him what his plans were? Was she afraid that if she knew the answer, she’d be disappointed? The glow began to dim. She really had to say something, putting it off was not winning her any points.

  “We can talk about that later,” he said before she could find the words. “I just wanted to check in with you. You know things will be changing after your sister’s wedding, and I wanted to be sure you were content. It’s good to see that you are.”

  And what did she say to that? She might have been feeling many things these last few days, but content was not particularly among them. “I’m keeping busy, seriously busy, but—”

  He cut her off before she could finally say what was on her mind. “That’s good. I wasn’t sure at first that there’d be enough work for you.”

  That made her blink. Where had that comment come from? She answered, almost by rote, “If you provide good service, people hear about it, and I’ve always worked to provide the best.”

  “I know you’ve tried, honey.” His face grew shadowed. “If your brother had lived, things would have been so different. You wouldn’t have had to try so hard to fill his place.”

  What? Her confusion was only increasing. What was her father trying to say? He had never talked to her like this. He’d barely mentioned Aaron since his death. “I’m not sure that’s what I’ve been doing, but I do miss him. It would have been great to work with him.”

  “Yes, it would have made everything so much easier. Seeing Charlotte getting married makes me realize how much I have to plan for the future—and how much the past has hurt us all. But don’t you worry, honey. I’ve got a plan that will set everything right. Leave you and your sister in a good place.” He smiled at her. “You simply have to trust me to know what’s best.”

  Trust him. She wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to. So why didn’t she? Still, she set a pleasant expression on her face. “I do need to finish going through these files. I’ve got to take a couple of meetings for Charlotte tomorrow—and I’m not quite up to snuff.”

  “Well, I’m sure you’ll do fine. You always do. Have a good night, honey.” He turned and left. She stared after him. That was as close to praise as she could ever remember receiving from him.

  Her phone beeped a reminder. If she didn’t leave soon, she’d need to spend the night in the city. That wasn’t a problem, but it was a decision.

  She picked up her phone, tapped the screen randomly. Did she text Brian? It wasn’t really a question. If she was staying, she needed to let him know to keep Baxter. If she wasn’t, she needed to tell him exactly when he should drop off Baxter.

  An image of him waiting for her filled her mind. How wonderful would it be to walk in and find him and Baxter relaxing on the couch? A light kiss. A brief cuddle. Falling asleep in his arms. It would be too good to be true.

  And yet she could probably make it be true. If she told him that was what she truly wanted, she was sure he’d be there. And equally sure that if she said all she wanted was a cuddle and sleep, no discussion, no sex, he’d be perfectly agreeable. He might want to talk, but he’d understand that it wasn’t something she could handle tonight.

  She tapped the screen again.

  Had she ever had someone she could depend on that way? Well, the better question was, had she ever had a man she could depend on that way. Sure, if she called Jordan and said she needed to talk, she knew she would be there for her.

  But a man?

  Her eyes turned to the doorway, to the remembrance of her father standing there, to even now wondering if his last statement actually had been a demonstration of pride. It hurt that she wasn’t sure, that even during that brief time when she’d been a welcome guest in his home, she had never felt like she came first, that she was a priority.

  Staying in the city tonight. Is that okay with you? Can you keep Baxter?

  Of course.

  Sure you don’t mind?

  Of course not. Dinner tomorrow?

  She hesitated. She knew they needed to talk—but she felt so unready, knew that she’d spend the next day fretting about it when she had so many other things to think about. For a moment she felt like saying she’d be back tonight, that she needed to get it over with.

  Her eyes fell on the pile of folders she still needed to go through.

  Sounds like a plan. I’ll order Chinese.

  It took a moment, but finally he replied, Let me know when you’ll be home. We’ll be there.

  She stared at the phone for a moment longer, wanting more but not knowing what. Then she turned to the stack of papers awaiting her attention.

  * * *

  —

  The next night, Brian let himself in the door to Veronica’s condo. Baxter ambled in after him and headed straight for the couch. Brian watched him, momentarily unsure what to do. Veronica had said he should just go in; he had the key so that he could take care of Baxter, but he still felt uncomfortable here without her. No, that wasn’t exactly right; he truthfully felt quite comfortable, but didn’t want to seem like he was making himself at home.

  He knew that Veronica would be fine if he helped himself to a beer and put his feet up on the couch, but after their last conversation it didn’t seem right. After pacing for a few moments, he sat beside Baxt
er on the couch and waited.

  It felt like forever before he heard her tread on the stairs. The door opened slowly, and then she entered the room. For the briefest of moments she simply stared at them, her face having the strangest expressions crossing over it. She shook her head for a moment as if trying to clear a thought, and then put down her bag and walked over to scratch Baxter’s ears. His tail thumped at a ridiculous pace.

  “Hi, boys,” she said softly.

  “Hi,” Brian replied.

  Baxter just kept wagging.

  “If you don’t mind, I’m going to slip upstairs and change into something more comfortable—and why does that phrase sound dirty, when I’m really dreaming of sweats and a T-shirt? I’ll order the Chinese while I’m there. Is there something that you want, or don’t like?”

  “I’m good with anything normal. No chicken feet or jellyfish salad.”

  She smiled, and it almost reached her eyes. “You’re safe. I was thinking more along the lines of Mongolian Beef and General Tsao’s Chicken.”

  “Sounds good.”

  And then she was gone, except for the patter of her feet as she wandered upstairs. She must have taken off her heels.

  He exhaled slowly, realizing that he had been holding his breath. He wasn’t quite sure what he had been expecting, but certainly not for everything to seem so normal.

  * * *

  —

  Should she take a fast shower? She always felt grubby at the end of a long day, but that would probably take more time than it should—and she certainly didn’t want Brian to hear the water running and think she was offering some type of invitation. The comment about slipping into something more comfortable had been bad enough.

  She quickly opened her laptop and placed the order, before pulling off her work clothes and tossing them on a chair. She hadn’t been kidding about the sweats, at least ten years old and two sizes too big. She matched them with an oversize football jersey. There was no way that any man would read invitation in this. Not that she was actually worried about that. Brian did a wonderful job of understanding what she was thinking, what she wanted.

  Her thighs clenched. Maybe she should take that shower. Although she wasn’t quite sure whether she wanted a cold one—or whether she hoped that he would read an invitation into it after all.

  Quickly running a hairbrush through her hair, she turned and determinedly went back downstairs. She was not going to put this off—or let sex distract her from the things that needed to be said.

  She stopped halfway down the stairs. Hadn’t letting sex be a distraction been the point of this whole thing? Considering what she’d decided, that was kind of ironic, but still it was true. Starting with wild sex might be fun, but there were things that needed to be said first.

  Well, now or never.

  “Can I get you a drink?” she asked, walking through the kitchen.

  “Do I need one?” Brian answered.

  She came and stood beside him. “I don’t know. So little of this has gone as I expected. And I know a lot of that is my own fault. I should have been more open to learning about you. Hell, I should have wanted to learn about you—and I did, but well…well, we’ll get to that in a few minutes. I am sorry I reacted so badly to finding out about your life. It’s just not anything I saw coming. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but somehow it was. It never entered my mind that you might be so successful. And fuck, I did it again, didn’t I. Of course there’s no reason you shouldn’t be—”

  He leaned forward on the couch, placing his hands on his knees, cutting her off, trying to give her a break. “It wouldn’t have occurred to most people—and it’s was a professional athlete, not is. Past tense.”

  “Shit, I don’t mean to be insensitive about that. I know it must be difficult for you—or rather, I don’t know, but I can sort of imagine if something happened and everything I’d planned for my life got turned upside down.”

  He let out a long sigh. “You weren’t insensitive. And yes, it was difficult, still is difficult, but I’m starting to move past it—despite my oversensitivity to how you see me. I didn’t actually grow up wanting to be a hockey player. Most kids who go on to play in the NHL did, but for me, while I loved it, it was always only a game—and then one day, when I was entering high school, a scout talked to my parents and everything changed.”

  “And what did you want to be before that?” She was going to try to make up for all the questions she had not asked previously—and she really did want to know.

  Brian turned away from her and petted the dog. Was he still avoiding her questions? “I’ll answer that, but let’s not avoid the real issue. Where do we stand? Are we still a couple, assuming we ever had reached couple status?”

  She moved and sat in the chair across from him, wishing she’d gotten herself a glass of wine. It wasn’t so much the wine itself she wanted, as that she wanted to have the glass to fidget with—although she sure wouldn’t have minded the wine either. “I’d like us to be. I think we were…are. I’m not about to…to break up with you—assuming that we were together enough for it to even be a breakup.”

  “I think we were.”

  “Damn, this is all so hard because everything was so undefined, and I admit that was my choice, which makes the next thing I have to say even harder.”

  His head swung back to her, his shoulders drawing tight, the muscles in his arms bulging. “What?”

  “I should have waited for the food.”

  “Just spit it out.”

  “My gut tells me that I do want to keep seeing you, sleeping with you, having sex with you—and yes, I do see sleep and sex as two separate things.”

  He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

  “But…but I do want to keep things a little undefined—I am not sure about so much right now. I still need a little more time for all this to settle in my mind, and the stuff with my dad’s firm has me feeling even more confused.”

  “So you want us to keep being fuck buddies?” It was clear he was trying to joke, repeating her term from the other night, but a little too much feeling had slipped into his voice.

  “Are we fuck buddies now?” She stood and began to pace, trying to figure out her own reaction to his words. “Is that how you see us? I have to say that it’s not what I think. We’ve had too many nights that we’ve simply fallen into bed and cuddled and slept.”

  “Too many nights or two nights?”

  Why was this so hard? “You’re actually proving my point—although you know it was more than that. We haven’t been together for long. It’s amazing how deep my feelings are considering that, and it scares me. Can’t you just let it be?” She was saying far too much, saying things she hadn’t even realized she thought.

  “Caring scares you?”

  “Frankly, it terrifies me.” She hadn’t meant to say that, and she saw the wave of shock roll over his face. He stood and came to stand near her. Baxter raised his head, clearly trying to decide if he needed to get up too. His head went back down.

  “Why?”

  “You’ve heard my family story. Caring has never brought any reward. It’s why I didn’t want to know about you. I felt so much safer when I thought there was no possibility that we could be together. It meant I was safe being with you even when I was much too drawn to you. You can believe that or not. I know it sounds too convenient, but it explains things I’ve never understood myself—I’ve certainly never laid out rules for a relationship before—so I know deep down that it’s true.”

  He stood still. It felt like the air between them had turned solid. “You are right. It does sound pretty convenient.”

  Chapter 19

  “I know,” she said, just standing and waiting.

  “And we do have a problem, because I don’t want to leave things undefined,” he said firmly. He might not know quite
what he wanted, but he knew he didn’t want to stay trapped in no-man’s-land. “I want to know where I stand with you.”

  “What does that mean? What exactly do you need to know? Need to define?”

  And he was saved by the bell, literally. “The food’s here.”

  That got Baxter off the couch.

  Veronica laughed genuinely. Her face softened as she looked at her hound. “Let me get my purse. They ask to see the credit card.” She moved toward her bag, laying on the floor where she’d left it.

  “I can—”

  She cut him off. “One thing I’ll define is that if I order dinner, I pay for it. I don’t mind you paying your share. I was happy that you brought the steaks. But if I order, I pay, unless we already have some other arrangement agreed to.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Another genuine smile.

  “Can I at least carry the food?”

  “That I’ll let you do.”

  A few minutes later the food was on the table and Baxter had been given his own scoop of kibble, although Brian knew that as soon as he was finished, soulful eyes would be aimed at the table.

  They served themselves, and Veronica took a bite of the beef. Her eyes closed in enjoyment, but then she opened them and turned back to him. “Well?”

  “Well?”

  “Well, what do you need from me?”

  He should have known she would not be distracted for long. He took a moment to put his feelings into words. This was too important to get wrong. “I want to know that we’re together. If you don’t want to give that a title, that’s fine. But I want it clear that we are together.”

  She took another bite, chewed, her forehead tight with thought. “I think I’m okay with that. It seems to be true, whatever I might want to say. But what exactly do you mean?”

  “Monogamy.”

  “Do you know, I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship where that was actually stated.”

  Really? He thought it was a pretty standard step these days, although he couldn’t say that he’d ever had it spelled out.