Falling into Place

by Sheryn Munir

  “Have you considered,” Milind said carefully, “not pushing it away?”

  She had. Of course she had. “I want to go home. Will you come with me?”

  “Sure.”

  Sameen texted her mother saying she wasn’t feeling well, and they took a taxi back. Milind was staying at her parents’ place as well.

  “You know,” she said, breaking the long silence on the drive home, “I never asked Rohan what his parents thought of me.”

  “Why is that?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because I didn’t want to hear the answer. What it would mean if they said they liked me.”

  “Sameen, do you love Rohan?”

  Yes, of course she loved him. But it wasn’t so simple. She was lucky to have him. But being married to him? Panic welled within Sameen at the thought. Neither of them had been in a hurry to get married, but the thought had never scared her in the past. It had seemed inevitable even, and not such a bad thing at all. But something had changed in the past few months, and it made her question everything she had taken for granted. It wasn’t just the kiss with Tara; it was something from before that. She didn’t know what that thing was, but it had made her wonder whether there was something else, something more that life had to offer. A feeling of “Is this it?”

  Despite the darkness, she knew that Milind was watching her. “Can you be in love with two people at the same time?” she asked.

  Milind didn’t move. It was as if he hadn’t heard her. Then he turned away, looking out the window as the buildings rolled by. “That’s what I was afraid of,” he said, his voice soft.

  “You knew?” Sameen asked incredulously.

  “It wasn’t rocket science. Seeing the two of you together, and especially on the night of the party. And then, this past month. I’ve never seen you so low, Sameen. And I know it’s not because of Rohan.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Sameen said. “He said he’ll wait for me till I figure it out.”

  “I know he is a great guy. But,” Milind turned back to her, “you have to be honest with yourself.”

  “What’s it like to be gay?” Sameen asked.

  Milind’s eyebrows rose. “What?”

  “I said—”

  “Yes, I heard what you said.” He exhaled loudly. “It feels, I don’t know, normal? If I were to guess, when it comes to falling for someone or being attracted to someone, I don’t suppose it feels any different from being straight.”

  After they reached home, Sameen went off to change out of her finery while Milind made some hot chocolate. When she came back dressed in her pyjamas, he’d switched on the lights in the dining room. They sat at the corner of the six-seater dining table.

  “Does it matter?” Milind asked.

  “Does what matter?”

  “What you call yourself. Gay, straight, bisexual, whatever.”

  “I don’t know. Does it matter to you?”

  “It’s complicated. It matters when I’m angry that the world at large recognizes only one form of love. I’m sad that my parents won’t talk to me. But when it really comes down to our everyday lives, Ashish’s and mine, it doesn’t. As long as we can make it work, I don’t really care what I call myself.”

  Sameen knew what he meant. Things hadn’t been easy for Milind ever since he’d decided he wasn’t going to lie to his parents anymore, even if it strained their relationship. On the other hand, he’d been more or less “adopted” by Ashish’s family even though Ashish wasn’t out to them. Welcoming Milind into their fold hadn’t stopped them from pestering Ashish to get married—they just hadn’t made the connection between Ashish’s refusal to consider marriage and Milind’s presence.

  It was ironic that the same space—the family—that could be so conservative could also be completely open to accepting one’s friends without hesitation. They hadn’t asked any questions or demanded any explanations—“any friend of our son’s is like our son too” was good enough. Ashish didn’t care what they thought because he didn’t think he owed anyone an explanation. The only thing that mattered was that Milind was accepted as part of his family.

  “Tara thinks same-sex relationships are not possible in this country.”

  “I wouldn’t say that,” Milind said. “Of course, it’s not a bed of roses either. It’s difficult everywhere in the world, more so in some places than others. But are you supposed to wait for things to get easier before living the life you want, or do you fight to make a better life for yourself? By ‘fight’ I don’t necessarily mean making a grand statement—which is also important—but that you work within the system and you make whatever little space you can for yourself. That itself is an act of pushing the boundaries. Knowing that in doing so you are making way for a different future, not just for yourself but for other people too. Even enabling people like Amma and Appa to see that there are other ways to be happy.”

  “I never knew you felt this way. You’ve never said anything.”

  “You never asked. And anyway, I thought you’d laugh at me.”

  “I could never laugh at you about something like this.” But the rest of it was true, she supposed. Strange how close she and Milind were, but she had never thought to ask him about such an important part of his life.

  “Think about it,” Milind said. “In some ways you and Rohan probably raise many more eyebrows than Ashish and I do. You are ‘living in sin’, whereas we are roommates for some people, good friends for some, and life partners for others.”

  Sameen gave a dry laugh. “That’s true.”

  “Sameen, let’s cut the crap, shall we? I’ve seen you swirl into a funk over the past weeks and I think it’s time for some straight talk.” Milind leaned forward, elbows on his knees, looking directly at her. “Stop thinking, stop trying to make sense of it. Just tell me what you feel.”

  Sameen stared back into his dark brown eyes. His gaze went straight into her, like he could see what was in her mind anyway.

  “I fell in love with Tara,” she said softly. “Long before the kiss. I just didn’t know it. But I know she doesn’t want me and I don’t know how I can live with that.” A tear rolled down her cheek.

  Milind took her hand and pulled her into his arms. She held on to him with all her might, like she would sink without him. Her heart was weighed down with a grief she found too hard to bear, but her head felt light.

  If this was the famed year-round good weather of Bangalore, then the people here had a very warped definition of what good was, Tara thought. It was warm enough that she’d had to shed the layers she’d set out from Delhi in. She was now just down to a shirt. It was a change from not being able to feel your nose, but she hadn’t expected to be sweaty.

  Even though she was feeling slightly let down by the weather, there was something else about Bangalore Tara loved. That would be the people, who did not wait to find out who you knew and who you were friends with before deciding to be nice to you. This was unlike Delhi, which was bursting at the seams with snobs, especially if you happened to move in certain circles.

  This time, however, after weighing up all the pros and cons, Tara wished she was back in Delhi. She couldn’t stop thinking that Bangalore was Sameen’s hometown. That her parents lived in this city. Sameen had told Tara a little bit about her childhood, and the memory of those conversations had come flooding back as soon as she had stepped out of the plane the previous night. She wished the pain that usually accompanied thoughts of Sameen would spare her this time, but she’d had no such luck. It remained lodged in Tara’s heart.

  Since she had no choice but to get on with her day, Tara headed out of her room at the Garden Palace Hotel. She had an appointment with the former cricketer Rahul Dravid, who was going to meet her in the lobby in ten minutes and talk about the coaching school he was setting up. She was about to enter the lobby when she heard a familiar voice.

 
; “That was the worst buffet menu I’ve ever seen. Whatever possessed the alumni committee to choose this place?”

  Tara turned the corner and froze. Milind was standing in the corridor. With Sameen. She had her back to Tara, but Tara would know her anywhere.

  Tara had to be dreaming. The last person she’d expected to run into, the one person she thought was safely back in Delhi, couldn’t be standing in front of her on her first day in Bangalore. Could she? There were eight million people in this blasted city, for heaven’s sake.

  Or was Tara completely losing it?

  “Tara?” Milind said.

  Tara’s heart thudded against her ribcage as Sameen turned.

  “Hi,” said Tara as Sameen’s eyes widened.

  “Hi,” Sameen replied, looking bewildered.

  If Tara had let them, her knees would have buckled. Remaining upright took all her willpower. She drank in Sameen with her eyes. She wanted to reach out to her, to touch her and hold her. She wanted everything to stop—time, the world, the universe—so that this moment, this impossibly painful and yet completely wondrous moment, would remain eternally frozen, like a fly trapped in amber, giving her a “forever” with Sameen.

  “Tara, what a pleasant surprise!” Milind’s voice was full of incredulity, shattering Tara’s illusion and rudely dumping her back to reality. “What are you doing here in Bangalore?”

  She forced herself to look away from Sameen and addressed Milind. “Work. We’re doing a series on cricket coaching centres around the country…” She trailed off.

  “That’s nice,” Milind replied politely.

  An awkward pause followed as nobody looked at anyone else. Then Milind patted his jeans pocket.

  “I…think I left my phone in the bathroom. Be right back.”

  He walked away. Tara was pretty sure she had seen the outline of a phone when he had felt his pocket. Her eyes hungrily took in every familiar line, every curve on Sameen’s face.

  “How are you?” Sameen asked, breaking the silence.

  “Well,” lied Tara. “And you?”

  Sameen nodded. “Yeah.” Tara saw her swallow. Sameen had lost weight. She couldn’t exactly be described as slender, but she definitely looked diminished.

  “Are you visiting your parents?”

  “Yes. My cousin’s wedding.”

  “Oh, right. Shazia?”

  “Yes.”

  Tara nodded. “So…um…where’s the wedding?”

  “In court, on Monday.”

  “I see.”

  Tara struggled to find something else to say, but nothing came to mind.

  “Uh…I think I’ll go see if Milind’s found his phone,” said Sameen after a few seconds of strained silence. She stared at the floor between them. “It was nice to see you, Tara,” she said softly and turned in the direction Milind had headed.

  “Sameen, wait!” The words were out of Tara’s mouth before she could stop herself.

  Sameen turned back and looked at her with a questioning expression.

  “Will you have coffee with me?”

  Sameen frowned. “Why?”

  “We…we should talk.”

  “I called you. Several times. But you didn’t take my calls.”

  This time Tara could hear the controlled anger in Sameen’s voice.

  “Yes, I know. And I’m really sorry I didn’t call you back,” she said. “Will you please give me a chance to explain? Meet me for coffee. Please?”

  Sameen regarded her intently. Tara waited with bated breath for her decision.

  “All right. When and where?”

  Tara exhaled. “How about tomorrow? Matteo on CMH Road. Do you know it?”

  Sameen nodded. “What time?”

  “Five?”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Sameen nodded again. “I’d better be going now. Bye.” She walked away.

  “Bye,” said Tara, but she couldn’t be sure if Sameen had heard her.

  Chapter 25

  Sameen entered Matteo on the dot of five. She glanced around to see whether Tara had arrived, then headed towards the far end of the coffee shop to grab a table near the window when she didn’t spot her. As she watched the cars whizzing by on the busy road outside, she wondered what she was doing here.

  After the initial shock of having come face-to-face with Tara, the anger she had been holding at bay flared again. It smashed through whatever bottle it had been stoppered in and flowed into every cell in her body. Yet even then, all it had taken was for Tara to look at her with her big, wide eyes, and here she was.

  How was it possible that the person who could make her so furious was also the person she couldn’t imagine her life without?

  She looked at the door as Tara walked in, and her heart skipped a beat. Strange how she’d never recognized her feelings for what they were before.

  “Hi.” Tara slipped into the seat across from her. “Have you been waiting long?”

  Sameen shook her head. “I only arrived a couple of minutes before you.”

  A server showed up to take their orders.

  “Just a cappuccino for me, please,” Tara said, then looked questioningly at Sameen.

  “Make that two.”

  They sat in silence for a few seconds before Tara said, “Thanks for coming. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”

  Sameen shrugged.

  Tara picked up the glass of water that the server had just placed in front of her, took a sip, and cleared her throat. “I’m not sure where to begin.”

  “How about you start with telling me what I’m doing here.”

  Tara’s finger made little circles on the table. “I thought we could talk about what…happened.”

  “You mean you want to talk about the kiss?”

  Tara shifted in her chair and clasped her hands together. “Um…uh…yes.”

  “Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that?”

  “Sameen…”

  “Why now? Where were you when I made so many attempts to get in touch, tried to call you so many times? Why didn’t you pick up the phone? Did you ever think about calling me? My whole world came apart after that kiss. Where were you then, when I needed my best friend to help me make sense of what had happened? Tell me what’s changed now?”

  Sameen looked around, aware that she needed to keep her voice low. But the object of her anger was finally in front of her and she couldn’t stop herself from lashing out.

  Tara seemed to be unable to meet her eyes. “I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am. Things happened between us that I couldn’t deal with. They scared me, and the only thing I could think to do was take myself away from the situation.”

  “So why are you here now?”

  “Because I miss you. I miss our friendship. I know my behaviour caused you a lot of distress and severely damaged our friendship, but I want to try and repair it if you’ll let me.”

  “Friendship? You don’t know the meaning of the word. Friends don’t get scared and run away when the going gets tough. They stick around and fight. They fight to keep the friendship alive. But you abandoned what we’d worked so hard to build. You abandoned me. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  “I do. I know. And that’s why I’m here. I made a colossal mistake. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t. All I can do is hope you will accept my apology.”

  “Cappuccino, ma’am,” the server interrupted. They sat in a tense silence while she placed their coffees before them.

  Sameen gripped her coffee mug hard, unmindful of how hot it was. The server’s arrival had halted the momentum of their conversation. Perhaps it was for the best.

  “So that’s what it was, then, a mistake?” she asked in a low voice.

  “We had a wond
erful friendship, and I wrecked it with that kiss. I’m so sorry, Sameen.”

  Sameen was shaking. A mistake. That’s what Tara thought it had been. A mistake. The words pounded inside her head. They filled her up, pushing against her skin and bones, fighting to come out and shred her to pieces.

  And then, she was seething all over again. None of Tara’s explanations made any sense. But Sameen couldn’t let Tara see how her words were ripping her apart. If she wanted to leave here with any semblance of dignity, she had to get a hold of herself.

  She took a deep breath and nodded. “If it was such a mistake, why did you let it ruin our friendship? Why did you run away?”

  “Because I fell in love with you,” Tara said. It seemed like the words were being wrenched from her.

  The pounding in her head was back, and this time it was for a different reason. Sameen was sure she’d heard wrong. Fell in love? Since the kiss, Sameen had hoped and dreamed about the moment when Tara would confess her love for her, but she had never in a million years thought it could become a reality in this manner. It seemed cruel. Like someone was playing a mean joke on her. And it still didn’t make any sense. If Tara loved her, why had she disappeared from her life?

  “I tried very hard to not love you” Tara’s voice shook as she went on. “But I failed. Remember that time when I became incommunicado for a bit after your accident? That’s when I started developing feelings for you. Then, when you came looking for me, I thought I could deal with my feelings by ignoring them. But our kiss happened and I knew that what I felt for you was beyond my control.”

  “So that’s your thing, then?” said Sameen, her voice shaking too. “Running away? Instead of just telling me?”

  “If I told you, it would’ve seemed like I was asking you to return my feelings, which I can assure you is not the case even now.”

  “Isn’t that for me to decide, whether I return your feelings or not?”

  “But it wouldn’t be fair.”

  “Why wouldn’t it be fair? After what happened at the party, you didn’t even think to ask me what I thought?”