Falling into Place

by Sheryn Munir

  Keeping herself busy was her lifeline now. Because stopping meant being flooded with thoughts of Sameen, and that was somewhere Tara didn’t want to go.

  Sameen had been The One, and Tara had pushed her away. Finally and completely. Her silence proved that. Every minute, every hour, every day that passed since her last email to Sameen, was another nail in the coffin of what they could have had. Even though Tara had meant every word of what she’d said—that she was going to wait for Sameen—she’d had no idea how excruciating that would be. Worse was the knowledge that she’d had a chance with Sameen and blown it. Sameen had most likely gone back to Rohan. It was over.

  Barkha had been right—she was a coward. At least, she had been.

  How was she supposed to live without Sameen, never hearing her voice, and never seeing her laugh? But at least she knew now that Sameen had been right—their friendship could not be salvaged. In fact, it had stopped being a friendship a long time ago. It had been love. And now its only existence was a gnawing ache in Tara’s heart.

  She was nudged out of her rumination by a movement near the gates. The boarding announcement hadn’t happened yet, but the ground staff were getting ready.

  Then she saw why. The flight crew were heading towards the gate, the flight attendants in gaudy red and yellow, and the pilots in smart black and white. She inhaled sharply. Was that Milind?

  She racked her brains, trying to recall which airline he worked for, as she looked down and away, hoping that if it was Milind, he wouldn’t notice her. Thinking about the last time they’d spoken made her cringe; she still hadn’t got over the shame she had felt at Milind’s words.

  “Tara?”

  Damn. Did nothing go her way these days? Heart pounding, she looked up at him. And there he was, a hint of a smile on his face. Tara forced herself to look surprised and managed a smile back.

  “Oh, Milind, hi.”

  “Hi. Are you on my flight?”

  “Looks like it.”

  “So how are you?”

  “I’m fine. And you?”

  “I’m well too.”

  Someone from the crew called out to him.

  “Listen, I have to get going,” he said, “but can we talk? Will you meet me in Delhi after we land? There’s that bar right outside the airport.”

  “Um…uh… I don’t know…” The last thing Tara wanted was to spend time with him. The conversation would definitely veer towards Sameen, and she didn’t know if she could handle hearing about her and Rohan.

  “Please. It’s important.”

  It was hard to refuse Milind’s imploring look, and Tara had no energy to fight him. “Okay.”

  Three hours later, she was sitting in the bar, nursing a gin and tonic, when Milind arrived. He sat next to her on one of the tall stools.

  “Boy, that was a tough flight. I really need a drink.” He signalled to the bartender. “I’ll have what she’s having.”

  “So what important thing did you want to talk to me about?” Tara asked.

  He gave her a curious look. “You don’t believe in pleasantries, do you?”

  Tara felt a little sheepish.

  “Well, nothing much,” he continued. “Just wanted to catch up with you. The last time we talked, it was a bit…you know. I hope there are no hard feelings.”

  Tara’s smile was rueful. “That’s okay. You don’t need to explain yourself. I deserved every bit of it.” And because she couldn’t help herself, she asked, “How is…Sameen?”

  “She got back from Singapore last week.”

  “She was in Singapore? Visiting her brother?”

  “Yep.”

  With Rohan? But Tara couldn’t bring herself to ask him that.

  An awkward silence ensued.

  “So…what are you up to?” Milind asked her.

  She shrugged. “The usual.” She glanced at her drink, wishing she could drown herself in it.

  “Tara, are you really okay?”

  She sighed. “I’m trying.”

  This time the silence was so long that Tara had to look up to check if Milind was still there or if he’d legged it. He was, and he was staring at her. Even in the dim lighting of the bar, she could tell his eyes were narrowed like he was considering something serious. She was starting to get a little tired of people staring at her contemplatively these days.

  Finally, he tore his eyes away, diverting his gaze into his drink. Then he looked up again. “Far be it from me to interfere, but there is something I think I should tell you.”

  Chapter 29

  Sameen switched on the kettle and watched as tiny bubbles formed in the water. It was a Friday evening, and the thought of the weekend scared her. Outside, it was pouring with rain.

  When her tea was done, she took it over to the dining table where the jigsaw pieces were spread out. A corner of the movie poster of Casablanca was beginning to take shape. Sameen’s eyes blurred with tears.

  She had thought that she had come back from her three weeks in Singapore all sorted, and firm in her resolve to forget about Tara and get on with her life. But those last two emails from her and then the puzzle had smashed that resolve to smithereens.

  If this was how much keeping her distance was going to hurt, Sameen didn’t know how she was going to survive it. She didn’t know it was possible to feel this much pain without being physically injured.

  She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at the puzzle again. She reached out and fitted two pieces together, part of Ingrid Bergman. Her eyes filled with tears again.

  “Okay. That’s it.” She slapped her hands on the table and stood up. She brushed her tears away again.

  She slipped on her shoes, picked up her keys and umbrella, and was out of the house in less than half a minute.

  She half walked, half ran down the lane, dodging the puddles, taking all the shortcuts that had become so familiar over the past months. She kept her head down against the driving rain, thankful that having to concentrate on finding a dry path through the puddle-filled potholes was keeping her from thinking about what she had set out to do.

  But when she reached the gate, unlatched it, crossed the courtyard, and reached for the doorbell, she noticed the big lock on the door.

  Sameen’s legs were suddenly jelly. She sat down heavily on the stairs. The adrenaline rush drained away, leaving her spent.

  What was I thinking anyway?

  The walk back took much longer even though the rain had eased to a steady drizzle. She climbed the stairs to her flat listlessly, the thought of going back in there almost too unbearable.

  She climbed the last few steps and was reaching for the light switch on the landing when a movement caught her eye.

  Tara was sitting on the floor with her back against the door. She was completely drenched and had a small travel bag by her side.

  For a few seconds, Sameen gaped at her visitor, who unfolded herself and stood. She was shivering.

  “Y-you’re soaked,” was all Sameen managed when she finally spoke.

  “Yes.” Tara looked down at herself, like she hadn’t noticed it.

  “You should get warm,” Sameen said. Yet she found herself immobile. She felt like she had fallen down a rabbit hole. Not ten minutes ago she had run to Tara’s house to…to do what exactly? And now Tara was standing at her door.

  Was it a sign of some sort? Or was she actually dreaming?

  “I suppose I should,” Tara replied.

  That roused Sameen out of her daze. “Um, what?”

  “What you said, that I should get warm.”

  “Oh, of course.” Sameen fumbled for her key. “Come in, I’ll get you some clothes.” She unlocked the door and led Tara in. “You know where the towels are?”

  Tara nodded. She slipped off her shoes and walked towards the bathroom. She wai
ted, dripping on the floor mat, shivering, until Sameen got her some clothes.

  Still in a state of disbelief, Sameen mopped up the trail of water Tara had left across the house while Tara changed in the bathroom. Sameen then went back into the kitchen and made them both a cup of tea. Her head was buzzing with questions. What was Tara doing here? What did she want?

  Sameen carried the mugs into the living room and placed them on the dining table, as Tara appeared at the door, now dry and apparently warm.

  “I made some tea.” Sameen pointed towards the mugs.

  “Thanks.” Tara picked one up, and came and stood next to Sameen. The proximity made Sameen’s heart race. The urge to touch her was almost irresistible. Despite her bemusement over Tara’s sudden appearance at her doorstep, it was all she could do not to turn towards her and close the distance between them.

  “So you’re working on it again?” Tara asked.

  “I wanted to see if I could finish it.”

  Sameen watched as Tara picked up a piece of Ingrid Bergman’s hat and slid it into its place in the puzzle. Sameen followed suit with another one that filled the hole in her shoulder. A few more puzzle pieces found their home in silence.

  “Are you going to tell me why you’re here?” Sameen asked finally.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what?”

  “About Rohan.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “I bumped into Milind at the airport today.”

  Sameen sipped from her mug without replying.

  “So why didn’t you tell me that you broke up with Rohan?” Tara asked again. “You told me you were working things out with him.”

  Sameen found she couldn’t focus on the jigsaw anymore. She moved to sit on the sofa and placed her mug on the coffee table.

  “I think you misunderstood. What I meant was that it was becoming clear to me that I could no longer be with him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it wouldn’t be fair either to him or me to pretend I still loved him.”

  She glanced towards Tara, who was still near the table, fingering one of the jigsaw pieces. From her expression, it was clear she had no interest in the puzzle.

  “But what I don’t understand,” Sameen said, “is what changed for you. You clearly said you didn’t want a relationship. So I spent the better part of last month trying to come to terms with a life that didn’t have you in it. And then I came back and saw the emails and everything else you had been sending me. What do you want, Tara? Why are you messing with my head?”

  Tara put the jigsaw piece in her hand back on the table and stared at it for a few seconds. Then she started to talk, hesitantly at first, and then with more and more confidence.

  “For a long time, I thought I could control my emotions, not fall in love if I didn’t want to, and push all attraction aside. After many years of living like that, I had even managed to convince myself that I was in charge. Then you came along and everything changed. I don’t know when and I don’t know how. I tried so hard and so many times to stamp out my feelings, but everything I did only fanned the fire, and each time it grew bigger and more powerful. Before I knew it, I had fallen deeply, madly in love with you. It terrified me. That’s when I ran.”

  Tara laughed mirthlessly. “So imagine my shock when I realized there was no place I could go to get away from you, from my feelings for you. They were with me everywhere, following me around like a shadow. I couldn’t take one step without you. I couldn’t breathe. How did I ever think I could forget you? That I could live without you?” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “When you told me you loved me, that’s when I knew what an idiot I’d been. I’d singlehandedly destroyed the one thing that is most precious to me in the entire world. I thought I’d lost you forever when you refused to take my calls or answer my emails. But after I met Milind today and he told me about Rohan, I knew I had to come talk to you.

  “I’ve wasted so much time, Sameen. Time we could’ve had together if it hadn’t been for my pig-headedness. I don’t want to do that anymore. Not for one more second.”

  She moved towards Sameen and sat next to her, taking her hands. Sameen didn’t move. She couldn’t have even if she’d wanted to.

  “Will you please forgive me? Will you let me back in your life?”

  Sameen stared at Tara, unable to stop her own tears from spilling out. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

  “Do you know where I’ve just been?” she asked.

  Tara looked at her quizzically.

  “To your house,” Sameen replied. “I went there to talk to you. When I saw the lock on the door, I thought it was a sign or something. I came back home, and there you were, sitting on my doorstep like a drowned rat.”

  Tara uttered what sounded like a chuckle, but Sameen could see the apprehension on her face. Sameen looked down at their joined hands.

  “Will you promise me something?” she asked.

  “Anything.”

  “Promise me that the next time you run, you’ll take me with you.”

  Tara’s eyes filled with tears again, but this time Sameen knew they were no longer sad.

  “I promise.”

  Tara leaned forward and her lips brushed against Sameen’s. A warmth spread through Sameen’s body. She reached for Tara, one hand weaving through the back of Tara’s hair, the other curling around Tara’s neck, pulling her closer. There was a pounding in her ears—she couldn’t tell if that was her own heart or Tara’s.

  It started off as a gentle kiss, and then it was as though the floodwaters had broken through, unleashing the pent-up emotions of the past weeks. They kissed with an urgency, the crush of their bodies and the frenzy of their mouths making it seem as if this moment was all they had. To Sameen it felt like a gift, one that she had never thought she could have, but now that she did, she knew she could never have enough. Her world was tumbling forward head over heels and she felt wonderful.

  They were both breathing hard when they broke apart. Sameen opened her eyes to catch a glimpse of Tara’s long eyelashes that tickled her own. Tara opened her eyes and let their foreheads touch.

  “I’ve been wanting to kiss you again since the New Year’s party,” Sameen said softly as she caressed the side of Tara’s mouth with her thumb.

  “You know how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Since the evening of the book launch.”

  “No. Really?”

  “Yep.”

  “We have a lot of catching up to do then.” Sameen moved her lips to Tara’s again, then stopped abruptly.

  “Aren’t you going to call your mother?” she asked.

  “Huh? What?”

  “Don’t you think you should let her know you won’t be coming home tonight?”

  “Sounds like a very good idea.” Tara’s tone was teasing. “But you should know that this means I’ll have to get up from this sofa, fish out the phone from my bag, dial her number, and answer her many questions before she lets me go.”

  Tara made to get up, but Sameen pulled her back. “Maybe later.”

  This is the first day of the rest of my life. The thought floated into Tara’s head as she watched the edge of the sky starting to turn a lighter grey. The first day. Of the rest of my life.

  She repeated the words to herself. As trite as they sounded, there was a ring of truth to them. Tara had chosen happiness. Finally. It settled around her shoulders like a whisper, like a delicate shawl so soft that it felt weightless against her body, yet it wrapped her in a warmth that seeped into her bones and made her feel safe.

  But “happiness” was such an inadequate term. It had a certain sharpness to it, an edge, a coarseness. Happy was about being pleased, like when she wrote an incisive match report. A
n evening out with friends could make her happy. She could be happy about getting a good deal on Amazon.

  What she felt having Sameen next to her, knowing she could reach out and touch her, aware they could have the rest of their lives together, was a very different feeling altogether. It was deep and soft and subtle. It filled her senses and it filled her physical body. It made her feel invincible.

  “Contentment”. Maybe that described it a whole lot better.

  Or maybe there wasn’t a word for it.

  Tara pulled her arms out from under the quilt and folded them under her head. She shifted slightly to get a better view of Sameen, fast asleep, the quilt pulled up almost to her nose, rising and falling as she breathed, her frizzy hair fanned out on the pillow.

  It was cold—winter was being kind to them this year, having decided to stay a bit longer than usual—and Tara’s arms were covered in goosebumps in seconds. But she didn’t mind. She was a Delhi girl—she liked the cold; she could handle it.

  She turned on her side and draped her arm lightly over Sameen. Despite her best efforts to be gentle, Sameen stirred.

  She opened her eyes and smiled sleepily. “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  “Sleep well?”

  Tara propped herself up on an elbow. “I’m not sure. A certain someone kept me awake most of the night.” She smiled down at Sameen and reached up to brush the hair away from her face.

  “Really, now, who might that be?” Sameen said, her voice low. She closed her eyes at Tara’s touch.

  “It’s all a bit of a blur. I’m not sure I remember much.”

  Sameen popped open one eye. “Would you like some help jogging your memory?”

  “Yes, I think I’ll take you up on that offer,” Tara murmured.

  Sameen’s mouth twitched. “I like this new you.”

  “You do, do you? Why is that?”

  “Because it’s good to see that you’ve embraced your lesbosity back wholeheartedly.”

  Tara laughed. “And you seem to have accepted yours with admirable equanimity.”

  “Were you expecting me to have a crisis?”