Remember Us

by Lindsay Blake

  “You have an incredible family, Reese, but you barely appreciate what you have.”

  I glared at him and spun to stomp off.

  “I think it would be good for you to get on with your own life, to embrace the family you have, to live your own dreams.”

  “What do you really think?” I spit out the words, let them ring with bitterness.

  “I know you need to stop letting Charlie tell you what to do. You are enough, Reese. You have what it takes. Be you.”

  I snapped back around. “Be me? What does that even mean? And you don’t even know Charlie.”

  He shrugged. “I think maybe you are amazing at life, at taking risks, except when it comes to Charlie and photography.” It felt too close to everything I feared.

  “And I think you’re bossy, an Irish boy who is too scared to leave the farm and try your hand at real life. You say you’re a writer, but when was the last time you wrote a bloody thing? You’re waiting for life, for the world, to come to you, and you pretend you can’t do anything because your mom died.” And then I stopped, horrified at what I’d said.

  “Reese.” He ran his hand through his hair.

  Even I knew I’d gone too far. I couldn’t even say sorry, just turned and ran away like a ludicrous little baby.

  15

  Bernice

  “This should have been our number one stop all along.” I held Carl as we inspected the view. We’d made it to the Grand Canyon and wowee, she was a beaut. I visualized Carl and me building a little mansion right there on the edge, sipping our coffees with the warm tones of the Canyon around us each morning.

  “I’d take that with a side of pie.”

  “You want pie, sweetie?” Carl squeezed my hand. “I could use a big slice of chocolate myself.” He kissed the side of my face.

  “I’m dreaming over here.” Maybe not so close to the edge, in case Carl started to sleepwalk in his old age. I pictured him wandering about, shuffling in his slippers and naked under his robe, right over the edge of the Canyon at 2 a.m. That would be that, my dear. I imagined the white wood against this bronze background and my smile zoomed past the sides of my face.

  “Live here with me forever?” Drat, that’s not how I wanted to say it. Carl’s face wore a peculiar look, but he nodded and clung to my hand.

  “Oh yes, let’s live here.” His words were so low I almost lost them in the air between us.

  We were never the mushy type, but maybe we were turning over a new leaf. People do that, you know. Carl and I clasped each other for an hour right there beside the Canyon, letting the dust drift into all the inches our words left empty.

  This place spoke to me.

  Sometimes I imagined telling my children my side of the story. I dreamed I sat on them and made them listen until they finally understood.

  He stopped seeing me, stopped trying. He wasn’t there for our family. Everyone told me that was the way of it, that all marriages grew cold and dull. But not with us, not with him, I couldn’t stand for it.

  I’d almost left once before when you kids were little, two screaming babies, a mountain of diapers, and hardly three hours of sleep each night. Carl had been so excited to have children but something happened after your first birthday and he mentally checked out. He’d come home from work, sit on the couch for hours, not lift a finger to help. I begged, I pleaded, he stared past me. When I found five minutes to shower, I cried. When I went to bed, I cried. I was at the end of my tether, met myself coming and going. I thought I was going to lose my ever-loving mind. It lasted for six months and when spring came, Carl came back to me. I don’t know how to say it other than that. He’d left, he came back, and I almost imagined it had all been a bad dream. Until it happened again.

  The second time, I persevered for two years until I thought my very being would implode from agony. But he wouldn’t hear me. Now I think he couldn’t. So I did the one thing I knew would snap us out of it, the one thing I could do to save myself from going crazy: I left. At the time I told myself either my sanity or my body needed to have a time out, and I chose the latter. It was supposed to be for thirteen days, not thirteen years.

  I’d been parenting solo for two years. I thought that two days managing on his own would wake him up. And the man I knew and loved couldn’t be a day without me. I swear I thought he’d come after me. He’d find me, fight for me, no matter where I hid.

  But he didn’t.

  He didn’t fight for us, and I hated him for it.

  My phone calls were met with acid and disdain.

  When I gobbled my dignity and showed up at the house he slammed the door in my face, told me I wasn’t welcome, wanted, or needed. I hated him almost as much as I hated myself for not taking you kids with me.

  I’d lost him and lost you; with that, I lost myself. Now it all sounds crazy, but then it was all we could see. We lost our way, which was much more complicated than it sounds.

  And now I lived with my decision in the eyes of my children, two grown adults who acted like strangers though I remembered the intricate details of them.

  I knew them.

  We all grow and change with time, but not that much. I told myself they were old enough to realize there were two sides to every story, the only consolation to which I could cling.

  For now, Carl and I had let each other back in and that was all that mattered. This extra chance at happiness was a lifeline, a second chance to dance and Mama was ready to tango. And maybe someday, when I had wrinkles around my eyes and held my grandbabies tight, they would listen to what I had to say. They—Reese—couldn’t shy away from this love forever. I would tell this to myself over and over until it rang true, until it let me sleep at night.

  We’d gathered our kids and Blake at the best vantage point we could find. My anticipation doubled by the minute.

  “Your father and I have something to say, and we’d like to say it here—”

  “So you can pre-visualize,” Carl interrupted me with a squeeze of the hand. “But, I’ll let you take it from here, honey.”

  “Picture this.” I drew them all to the view with a wide sweep of my hands.

  “Yes, we’re seeing it.” Reese plopped onto a rock.

  “Well, we’d like to renew our wedding vows right here. Tomorrow. At 5:12 a.m. So our love can shine with the brightness of sunrise, the new day.”

  All three kids stared back at us with glazed eyes.

  “And you’re all invited!” I wiped the corners of my eyes and went between them doling out hugs. “Do you have any questions? Need to know your assigned roles for the day?”

  “Um, congrats?” It sounded like a question. Blake shook Carl’s hand and gave me a small hug.

  “I hate to jump in here, but you have to be married before you can renew your vows,” Benjamin said.

  “Oh, that’s no problem.” I moved beside Carl.

  “I mean, I suppose you can do some sort of symbolic vow sharing and then take care of the legal paperwork later. You can probably go the day after we return to Omaha. Unless you want to wait and have your big wedding there?” Benjamin removed his glasses to mop the sweat from his forehead.

  “I mean, it’s no problem because we’re not divorced. We never filed one single paper.”

  Carl was giddy. I was giddy. Benjamin looked back and forth between us. “Huh.”

  “Come on, Benjamin, get excited with us.” I beamed at my son.

  “I’m trying. I’m just—” he shrugged and twisted toward me. “Okay. I’m having a vision of you arriving in a limousine.” He widened his hands to paint the picture.

  “That would be classy, and you know Classy is my middle name.”

  “I thought it was Sassy, but sure.”

  “Son, you’ve officially been promoted to my man of honor. We’ve always had a special bond, and this is my way of saying thanks.”

  “It doesn’t sound as nice as bowling.”

  “Oh Benjamin, I’ll have a list to you by 3 p.m. today.”
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  “Fine, I’ll do it as long as I can wear a top hat, black tie, and tails.”

  “Baby, we’ll talk details later.” I caressed his head.

  “Can we go now?” Reese sighed. “This was funny, haha, but I’m hungry.”

  “Reese, sweetie. You do know this is real, right?” Carl reached out to give her a hug.

  “No!” Reese stood, eyes on fire. “I thought this was all some sick joke Ben put you up to.”

  “I wondered why you’d kept quiet for so long.” Benjamin edged closer to his sister.

  “So this is actually happening?”

  “Yes,” Carl and I chorused together.

  Dust flew from Reese’s heels as she stormed away. Carl and I studied each other, then looked at Benjamin.

  “This is your bed, parents.” He shook his head.

  Carl squeezed my hand and headed toward our baby girl.

  Reese

  They’d managed to shock me again.

  Dad held me while I cried. When he finally spoke, the thunder in his voice surprised me.

  “Reese, I love that you are a strong girl.” He paused and cleared his throat. “You are a strong woman. A woman who knows her own mind and has well-formed opinions.”

  “Dad, stop.”

  “You remind me so, so much of another beauty in this family. Every day you remind me of her in a hundred ways. Mother and daughter with stares so defiant, mirror images of determination.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  He ignored my grimace and held me as I struggled to get away. “But you are wrong about your mom.”

  “Dad, I’m not wrong—”

  “I know your heart is closed off toward her, but you don’t know her half as well as you think you do. Yes, your mom left me all those years ago. But I don’t blame her; I would have left me too.”

  “Dad, don’t be silly.”

  “Back then, we didn’t have labels, but mine may have been depression. Bernice tried to help me climb out, but I pushed her out and locked the door.”

  “Dad.” I bit my lip.

  “For so many years I didn’t even know how to reach her, but she’s here now, and I love her. I never stopped loving her.”

  I shook my head so hard it hurt. “No.”

  “I always have, and I always will. I know you don’t understand what happened between us—heck, I don’t understand all of it either. But what you need to know, Reese, is that your mom forgave me and I forgave her.”

  I couldn’t meet his gaze.

  “Celebrate our happiness with us. After her love, you and Benjamin are the very best gifts your mother ever gave me.” Eyes glistening, he reached out for a hug. “And I need to tell you one more thing—”

  But I turned and headed to the horizon.

  “This was a bad idea.” Two hours later my shirt had darkened a full shade with sweat, and I sat down in the middle of the trail. Mom and Dad were on a wedding planning date this afternoon, so Blake, Ben, and I had voted to take on a section of the North Kaibab Trail. The Arizona sun beat down on us without mercy. “I give up. We’ve already hiked, what, eight miles give or take?”

  “Try take. Reese, we started half an hour ago.” Ben pulled his Superman T-shirt over his head and slung it across his shoulders.

  “No, I don’t believe you; I already have blisters.”

  “He’s right, Reese.” Blake sat on a boulder several feet away and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. I didn’t look in his direction—we’d hardly talked since our fight.

  “Are you guys giving up? I can leave you two here and sojourn on alone,” Ben said.

  “No!” Blake and I were in agreement for the first time all day.

  “Come sit down for five minutes, Ben. Help me plan how we’re going to stop the wedding.”

  “I don’t want to stop the wedding. I think we should leave them be.”

  “Leaving it be is not exactly my forte.”

  “Not exactly?”

  “Why is it so easy for you to get on board with them and their insanity? Why aren’t you angry too?” My words ran together and I kicked the dust at my feet.

  “Reese, you’re obviously upset. Let’s all get into a yoga pose. On the count of three: one, two—”

  “Stop it, Ben.”

  “Okay!” Blake’s worried expression was almost endearing. “Cersei, Jaime, you need to stay on opposite sides of the trail, and we can all enjoy a nice time out.”

  “I suppose there is always The Red Wedding route.” Ben fanned himself with his shirt.

  “That’s a bit harsh, mate.” Blake leaned forward. “Side note: did you know they filmed a lot of those episodes in Northern Ireland?”

  “Yeah, I was reading that.”

  “Uh, guys. Please stop geeking out on me and focus.” I threw a pebble at each of them.

  “I’m a Tyrion man, what about you?” Blake said it like a challenge. “Though of course I’m a Snow fan too.”

  “You know nothing, Jon Snow. What about Daenerys? Since book slash season one, Maya has been shouting out theories about the two of them getting together, even though she says they’re surely related—you’d know something about that, Reese—and ruling forevermore.”

  “Guys!”

  “Are you caught up?” Blake squinted at Ben.

  “Nah, I’m a couple of seasons behind. I read the books before I watch the corresponding season. It’s annoying, but it’s my thing. I wish winter would come now.” Ben mopped his forehead.

  “Are you guys talking about Frozen?” I glanced between them.

  “Or imagine if Daenerys could storm in, pun intended, and take over all seven kingdoms in one fell swoop. She doesn’t need a man to help her rule.” Ben could talk about his nerd stuff for hours. “I know I’m enough of a feminist to write that in, but what about George? I have my doubts.”

  “I like what you’re thinking.” Blake looked amused.

  “Maya was so proud when I told her I’m a feminist. She tells her girls every time they come over for wine.”

  “Seriously, can we have one adult conversation?” I sprang to my feet.

  “What, are you upset because you’re not the only feminist here?”

  “Right now I’m a silent feminist. You should try it. I’m never really in the mood to wave my bra around, and besides, I loathe labels.” We were so far off topic.

  “Reese, what are you talking about? Bra waving can be so freeing.”

  Blake poked a stick into the dirt. “In my world, feminism is so much less about the bra demonstrations and so much more about the world believing a girl is as intelligent and capable as any dude in the known universe. Girls can kick arse out there, if they’d let themselves.” His words were tight, clipped. “Or if others would let them.”

  “Maybe it’s not always a sexist issue, maybe sometimes the girl isn’t as good.” My jaw stuck out on its own.

  Ben cleared his throat.

  “Or maybe she should try and see what she’s capable of creating.” Blake’s voice held an edge, and we were definitely close to uncovering a nuclear war.

  Ben cleared his throat again. “Okay, okay, feminism is a huge issue. We can answer any questions you may have, sister.”

  “Whatever, Ben. Let’s just hike. And when your parents come crawling back to us in three months because the adrenaline has worn off, and they realize they’ve made a dreadful mistake, I will conveniently be out of the country. You get to help them sort the pieces.”

  “Reese, don’t you worry your pretty little head. I believe in a thing called love.”

  “Just listen to the rhythm of my heart!” Blake fell to his knees.

  “Fine. My family is clearly mad.”

  As I huffed down the trail, Ben called after me, “I honestly think this is their happy ever after. But please make sure you shower before the ceremony tomorrow or you’ll kill the mood.”

  Bernice

  I am a goddess.

  I’d purchased one
hundred candles the previous night and I prepared myself by their golden glow through the morning hours. I swiped on layers of purple eyeshadow as Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” played with majesty. I asked Reese to join me, but she preferred her beauty sleep. Carl and I had agreed to wear our matching flamingo shirts, and my last look in the mirror told me my cheeks were pink, my lips shiny.

  We arrived separately at the Grand Canyon, the old-fashioned way, and I handed Rocky to Benjamin as I floated out of the taxi. “Don’t let him fall over the edge, and don’t let her throw us over either.” I nodded at Reese who’d surprisingly shown up, but didn’t look like she was ready to go all Shirley Temple on us either.

  I glided toward Carl. Despite its early hour, the morning was hot, like our first time around the marriage corner, only not as humid. When I reached his arms, we both breathed a sigh of relief and let the tears gather in our eyes. I’d been terrified he would change his mind at the last minute.

  “Well, here we are all these years later—second chance at my life, second chance with my wife,” he murmured.

  “Let’s do this, sugar.” I rubbed his bicep, and he offered me his arm.

  “Okay, since we agreed to write out our vows, I need you to stand there so I can see your eyes, and you can know I mean my words.” Carl moved me to face him. “Sharing my feelings has never been easy—”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  “I remember the days when I could grunt and walk out of a room. I miss those days. But maybe they were part of the problem too, at least to hear you explain it.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “So here we go, hold on tight.” He fished two folded pieces of paper from his front pocket. “Bernice, I have two pieces of paper here. This one right here has been on my person since you gave it to me over three decades ago. Do you know what it says?”

  I already had tears in my eyes as I shook my head.

  “It says, ‘I miss you. I’m blue.’ This has been true every single day of the last thirteen years without you.”

  I miss you. I’m blue. I mouthed the words back to him as the tears coursed down my cheeks. I grabbed his hand and out of the corner of my sight, I noticed Blake furiously rubbing his eyes.