by Laura Carter
From now on, whatever Rosalie did would be because it enriched her life, truly not superficially, or because it was kind to others. No more illusions of who she thought people were. No more trying to be something she wasn’t. No more leading a life to be more like others.
25
Hannah
Sofia handed a glass of wine to Hannah and took a seat in the opposite corner of her sofa, both of them tucking their feet up to the cushions. Smooth jazz played into the room from Sofia’s record collection – Hannah’s choice.
‘So, do you want to get it all off your chest?’ Hannah braved to ask.
‘How long have you got?’ Sofia asked, laughing shortly.
‘I’m here and I’m all yours for as long as you want me, Sofia.’ Hannah was always Andrea’s best friend first and a friend-cum-big sister to Sofia second. But part of Hannah felt like helping Sofia was, in a way, making up for not being able to help Andrea right now. If nothing else, she knew they were both hurting and a little woman-to-woman solidarity never hurt anyone.
Sofia sighed. ‘When Jay first turned up at the studio, I was just pleased he looked well. I’d wanted to see him in the clinic and though he had refused to speak to me or see me, I understood he needed time and space to get better. Yet, being close to him then, all I could think of was how he had slept with at least one other woman behind my back.’
‘So, had he discharged himself?’
Sofia sipped her wine and nodded. ‘A week early.’ She shook her head. ‘I told him he should have finished the programme. What was the point in taking eighty per cent of the steps he needed to take? But, of course, he told me he was fine. Clean.’ She shrugged. ‘He’ll never change, I see that now.
‘It was all so… off, you know? It felt, for the first time, like I was in a room with a total stranger and I could see it from someone else’s perspective. As if I weren’t me. Like I was you or Andrea, or Dad. I could see Jay for what he was and what he would never be.
‘So, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised when he said he wanted a divorce and he wanted me to buy him out of Sanfia. Cheeky fuck. He only ever had a share in the label because of me. He was so flippant. He just said, “I want a divorce, Soph. And I want out of the label, too.”’
Sofia rubbed her face with her hands. ‘I was shocked. I mean, I thought if anyone was having doubts, it was, rightly, me. When Jay left for rehab he said he wanted to get clean and make a go of things, so it didn’t fit.’
She took a large drink from her wine glass then stared into the chilled liquid, nursing the glass between her hands.
‘Then he said, “There’s something else I need to tell you.”’
Sofia looked up to Hannah, who felt like she was being scrutinised, asked silently whether she already knew what was coming. And as Hannah took a sip of her own wine, she had a feeling she did have a good idea.
‘Andi went to see Jay at the clinic,’ Sofia said.
And Hannah didn’t want any more lies between her and the people she cared about, so she confessed. ‘I knew that much.’
Sofia nodded, more, it seemed, in acknowledgement than anger. ‘Well, Jay said she wanted to buy his share of Sanfia. Or rather she wanted XM Music Group and the Stellar label to buy his share of Sanfia.’
Hannah watched as Sofia’s eyes filled with unshed tears. ‘He said she tried to poach the label from me, Han. Since Seth is doing so well, she wants to take Sanfia back.’ A tear broke free of Sofia’s eye and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand. ‘How could she do that to me? Isn’t it enough that she left, that I’ve had to mortgage my home to keep Sanfia afloat? That I work round the clock just… trying?
‘So, Jay said he was telling me so that I could stop it from happening. He said if I buy him out quickly, he won’t give up his share to Andrea.’ Sofia scoffed, then sobbed briefly, shaking her head to stop the onslaught of emotion. ‘I told him I don’t have the money and, do you know what he said? He said I would have to sell the apartment.’
‘Oh, Soph, come here,’ Hannah said, moving to Sofia’s side and draping an arm around her shoulders.
When Sofia composed herself, Hannah moved back to her own sofa, her heart breaking for her friend.
‘I just can’t believe it,’ Sofia said. She took another large mouthful of wine. ‘The two people in the world who are supposed to love me the most and they’ve betrayed me. Then again, I really wasn’t anticipating what came next, either. God, what a day it was.’
‘So Rosalie flipped out big style, huh? It’s hardly surprising.’ Hannah shook her head. ‘I don’t know if Rosalie and Andi will come through this. I hope so but I’m just not sure.’
‘And if they don’t, it’s all on Andi,’ Sofia added.
Though Hannah was loath to ever not defend Andrea, she couldn’t deny that the fault was not with Rosalie. ‘Why was Ros at the studio anyway?’
‘Well, I’m not sure if she came to the studio to work – she’s been coming along to get experience for when her dad—’
‘Oh, yeah, I know about that.’ Hannah rolled her eyes. Another of Rosalie’s fads.
‘So maybe she was coming along for that reason and saw Andi there then flipped. But she was so angry, I think maybe she came to confront me.’
‘That wouldn’t be like Rosalie,’ Hannah mused.
‘I guess people do strange things when they find out their best friend has been screwing their dad.’
‘Good point,’ Hannah conceded.
‘I had been arguing with Jay and I told him to get out. Then when I was alone, all I could think about was how much I hated Andrea for what she did. I don’t know, I guess, I just saw red. I was storming out of the studio to go to confront Andi. As I walked out, Andi was there, talking to Seth and I figured she was trying to poach him from me. It all just hit me like a freight train. I lost it. Started screaming at Andi. Seth or Billy maybe, held me back because, honestly, Han, I think I could have murdered her in that moment. Then we hear these heels come tapping on the pavement and Rosalie is there.’
‘Oh God.’
‘Yup. She starts screaming at me, saying that I must have known about the affair and didn’t tell her. Then she’s screaming at Andi.’ Sofia drained the wine in her glass. ‘What a mess, huh?’
‘What a mess,’ Hannah repeated. The women fell into silence, contemplating just how huge a mess everything really was.
‘Thank you for helping me pack up Jay’s things, Hannah,’ Sofia said, eventually breaking the silence. ‘Clearing out Jay’s stuff at least feels like the first step toward the new normal – no husband, no sister, clinging onto Rosalie’s friendship by a strained thread.’ She looked around the apartment, retro bold colours, shelves of vinyls decorating the walls, a vintage record player a feature on a seventies-style sideboard. ‘It looks bare in here. Like those first days after you take the Christmas decorations down.’
‘Men have a lot of shit but they like to call us the hoarders.’
Sofia smiled. ‘It just feels so strange. I guess I had thought, despite our problems, I’d be married to Jay forever. For some bizarre reason, I thought that was in my control. Like, if we were broken, it was my job to fix us.’
‘It’s funny,’ Hannah said, ‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about just that, lately. I’ve always thought it was my job to keep our family together and happy. To look after the boys, and Rod, the house and work. To try and save Andrea from herself.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘But look how that worked out.’
‘I’m sorry about your job,’ Sofia said.
Hannah shrugged. ‘It’s actually been good in some ways to have some breathing space, though the longer I pretend to Rod, the worse it’s going to be to tell him.’
‘Hannah, it isn’t my place, but Rod should know.’
‘I know. I just… I feel like I’ve failed, you know? I feel like I need to resolve things and go to him with a solution, rather than a problem. In truth, I thought that the whole thing would have managed
to resolve by now and Andrea would have just given me my job back. Naïve, I know. I guess there’s also part of me that doesn’t want to give Rod a reason to fall out with Andi, too. I know, I know, you’re hating on her right now.’
Sofia’s mouth twisted. She was still hating on her sister and maybe she always would but… ‘I wouldn’t want you to leave her alone. She needs you.’
‘I used to think so. Now, I’m less sure. I think it’s time I gave you an apology for my part in all of this too, Soph.’
Sofia’s brows furrowed.
‘I knew about the affair with Hunter from the night of the Presley John concert. I guessed, she didn’t tell me. Then, I thought maybe if she just ended it, things would be fine. So, that’s what I tried to encourage her to do. And she did, for the record. Andrea broke things off with Hunter. She started seeing Tommy and I thought things would be okay, that maybe it was best if no one ever knew. Then, when she found out she was pregnant, I just couldn’t—’
Sofia spat her next mouthful of wine. ‘Come again?’
Hannah’s expression turned to one of horror.
‘My sister is pregnant?’
‘Oh, fuck. I assumed you knew.’
* * *
Hannah opened her front door with TJ on her hip, surprised to see Andrea on her doorstep.
‘Relax,’ Andrea said. ‘I’m not here to scream or yell, I’m here to apologise. You have every right to slam the door in my face and I would deserve it but I’m hoping you won’t.’
Hannah stared at her friend, who frankly looked like death. Her face was gaunt. Grey circles coloured the underneaths of her eyes and there was a light shadow on her cheek, which Hannah figured was from Rosalie having slapped her outside the studio, though Sofia hadn’t explained it had been quite as good a contact as it clearly had been.
‘Can I come in?’
Hannah stood aside to let Andrea step into the house, then led her through to the kitchen. Handing off TJ to Andrea, she asked, ‘Would you like tea?’
Andrea looked up from where she was rowing a boat with TJ on her lap on a chair at the dining table. ‘Please.’
When Hannah took a seat at the table, she placed down a plate of cookies and confirmed that Andrea could share hers with TJ.
Contented in Andrea’s lap, TJ’s eyes began to close and his head became floppy as he fell into his afternoon nap.
‘How are you?’ Hannah asked Andrea.
Andrea scoffed. ‘It’s me who should be asking you that.’
‘Sofia? Rosalie?’
Andrea shook her head, confirming that neither her sister nor her friend were speaking to her. ‘I can’t say I blame them either. But that’s not why I’m here,’ she said.
‘I guess there’s no better place to start than to tell you I’m sorry, Hannah. I’m sorry for the affair and putting you in a shitty situation with Rosalie and Sofia, even at work. I’m sorry for taking everything out on you when all you tried to do was help. And I’m sorrier than you can imagine that I fired you and for the way I did it, in front of people.’
It was Hannah’s instinct to accept the apology and go on to make excuses for Andrea’s behaviour but, for once, she wasn’t going to do that. She missed Andrea and she wanted her to know that she would always be there for her, especially knowing how much it would be killing Andrea that Sofia wasn’t speaking to her. Hannah knew that she shouldn’t have blurted out the affair to Rosalie in the manner she had, either, but none of that excused Andrea’s actions. Not this time.
‘The thing is, Hannah, I miss you. It’s like I’ve lost a piece of me without you around. You’ve always been there for me, when I needed it and even when I didn’t realise how much I needed you. Sometimes the truths you’ve told me have been brutal and sometimes so nice I couldn’t believe them. Well, now it’s my turn to tell you the truth – you’ve done too much to help me, Hannah, even sacrificed at home, and don’t say you haven’t. I’ve never told you that because I’m selfish and I’ve been scared to lose you as my assistant but I’m more scared not to have you in my life every day. The thought of going through everything without you,’ she glanced to her lower abdomen. ‘And without Sofia and Rosalie, too. I can’t bear it.
‘I’ve been horrible. Selfish and hateful, I know. But I need you, Hannah.
‘So, if you’ll have it, I’ve also come here to offer you your job back, if you would ever even consider working for me again, anyway.’
Hannah smiled because, for once, Andrea had shared with Hannah what Hannah always knew she felt. ‘You will never lose me from your life, Andi. No matter how big our fuck-ups. Just try it. I’d hunt you down and make you be my best friend.’
They shared a knowing smile.
‘But…’ This was harder than she thought it would be. ‘I don’t want my job back. I’ve done a lot of thinking recently about what I want from my life. It’s twofold. I want to have more flexibility to spend time with my family, to be home when my kids finish school, to have the chance to hear TJ’s first sentence and see his first real steps. But I also want, need more. I need to be stretched and I need to push myself, to see how much I’ve got in me. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like at the moment but I’m working on it.’
Hannah braced herself for Andrea’s reaction and the one she received, she should have expected. Andrea smiled and reached out to take Hannah’s hand.
‘You know something else I’ve never told you, Hannah? You could be anything you want to be. You’re smart and organised, funny and great with people. Your taste in music is almost as good as mine.’
Hannah chuckled.
‘I’m going to hate not working with you every day, Han. Not because I need you to run around after me, which, let’s face it, I do, because I’m a hot mess without you.’
The both laughed.
‘I’ll hate not working with you because you’re my family and I love you.’ Andrea’s eyes glazed over, which Hannah briefly noticed before her own vision clouded. ‘I’m also glad that you’re not going to take your job back. You deserve to have more. Everything. So, when you decided what it is that you want to do, and if that happens to be using your talents to manage in the music industry, I think you’d be great at it, FYI, I’m going to write you the best resumé and references anyone in the world has ever written.’
Hannah sipped her tea, trying to hide behind her cup how nice it felt to have Andrea’s endorsement. ‘Do you really think management would be a good idea for me?’
Andrea squeezed Hannah’s hand. ‘I think you’d kick ass at it.’
Hannah felt as if her chest physically filled with pride. ‘Thank you. It means a lot coming from you, Andi. But before I deal with any of that, I really need to tell Rod that I’m currently unemployed.’
‘You haven’t told him yet?’ Andrea asked, her surprise evident.
‘Oh, please, like you’re one to judge,’ Hannah said with good humour, making them laugh again.
‘Good point, well made. Seriously, you do need to tell him, though,’ Andrea said.
‘I know. I will.’
Andrea bent to reach into her purse, being careful not to wake TJ, who was now snoring. She took out an envelope and handed it to Hannah. ‘This is your final pay slip. I anticipated you throwing my job offer back in my face, just not quite as politely as you have done.’ She smiled, uncommonly bashful. ‘You’ve been paid in lieu of notice, straight into your account.’
Hannah opened the envelope. ‘Andi, this is six months’ pay.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m hoping you don’t sue my ass.’
Hannah held her finger tips to her lips. ‘Thank you.’
‘It’s only what you deserve.’
They spent an hour catching up on the fallout with Sofia, Rosalie’s breakdown in the middle of the sidewalk outside of Sanfia Records when she bumped into Andrea, how Andrea was feeling in pregnancy and that she and Tommy were trying to make a go of things. Hannah relayed her weight loss from walking with TJ every day and
how being at home had taught her, with certainty, that she could not be a full-time, stay-at-home mom.
‘As they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side,’ she confessed.
Then, a very tired-looking Andrea headed back to her office.
Things were far from perfect in Hannah’s life. Neither she nor Andrea would easily forget what had happened in recent weeks. But things felt more right after Andrea’s visit than they had before and for that she was grateful.
* * *
Later that day, Hannah had decided to stop pretending that she was still working. Instead, she spent the afternoon preparing a three-course meal for Rod. When Luke and Jackson came home from school, she told them they would be on babysitting duties for the night and that she and Rod were having a date night downstairs.
By the time that Rod came home from post-school training, she had slipped into a little black dress that she hadn’t worn a for very long time. She had even taken the trouble to shave her legs. Oh yes, she knew how to handle her husband. Feed him, give him beer, drop the bombshell, then seduce him.
Sitting at the kitchen table, their favourite smooth jazz playing in the background, two bottles of beer (Rod) and two glasses of wine (Hannah) under their skin, Hannah was about to break her news to Rod, when he asked, ‘So, is all this a pre-empt to you telling me why you’ve been staying home for the last week?’
‘You knew?’
‘Mrs Schinken said she’d seen you and TJ out walking a couple of days and Luke asked why you were really home in the evenings. I figured you’d fallen out with Andi. Am I right?’