I shook my head and saw his Adam’s apple bob.
‘This isn’t going to be good, is it?’
‘You did mess up. Big time. You didn’t trust me and that was really hurtful.’
He nodded but said nothing, which I was glad of. He could only say sorry so much, and I already knew he meant it.
‘But, if we’re lucky, we learn from our mistakes. I’m pretty sure we’ll both learn something from this one.’
The smile that broke on his face was like a sunbeam bursting through the clouds after a storm. ‘Does that mean I haven’t screwed this up completely?’
‘It means you had a bloody good go but didn’t quite manage it. This time.’
He put a hand on his chest. ‘I swear to god, Lottie. There will not be a next time.’
‘See that there isn’t, soldier,’ I teased.
He flicked his eyebrows up. ‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘But I don’t understand. You’ve always seemed to cope so well.’
‘And I have. And until you showed up, I didn’t even realise there had been anything missing from my life. I’d turned things around, regained my life and my drive, and I thought I had everything. But your friendship showed I was wrong. Getting to know you, sharing so much with you – it’s brought something that I hadn’t even realised I was missing. But when you took it away… when I sent you away, it was like all the colour and warmth drained away too. I’ve had a week of nothing but grey and I never want to go back to it.’
I didn’t know what to say. But then Seb smiled and I could see no words were needed.
‘I want to make it up to you. Is there any way I can see you this weekend?’
‘Seb, there’s nothing to make up. Really. We’ve talked it over now and we’ve both agreed you acted like an arse and you’ve apologised. It’s done.’ I gave a little shrug and smiled as additional confirmation.
He grinned. ‘That is true, but I’d still love to see you. Maybe catch that hug I let you leave without last week.’
‘Well, tomorrow I’m heading off to a garden show with my parents, but I guess Sunday might be an option.’
‘Which garden show?’
I told him.
‘That’s great! I’m going to that too.’
‘You are?’ I said, surprise evident in my voice.
‘Yeah,’ he gave a small, lopsided smile. ‘With my dad.’
‘Oh… right.’ The surprises kept on coming.
‘Maybe we could all meet up?’ he suggested.
‘That sounds a brilliant idea. I’m sure my parents will get on really well with your dad, and obviously they still think you’re wonderful.’
He pulled a face. ‘Even after this week?’
‘Luckily for you, I’ve been kind of swamped and didn’t get a chance to call them and whinge.’
He gave an exaggerated mop of his brow.
‘I’ll message them in a minute. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to meet him.’ I stood and wandered out to the kitchen to flick the kettle on, taking my phone with me. ‘I have to say, I’m a little surprised to hear you’re going with your dad,’ I said, dropping a teabag in one of my largest mugs and pulling the milk out of the fridge ready. ‘Although it’s a good surprise.’
‘Thanks. I’m pretty happy about it too. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.’ Seb smiled and the happiness radiated out of him. There was a relaxation there when he spoke about his dad now that certainly hadn’t been there before, and I was intrigued to hear more. ‘Sounds good.’
32
The following morning, Mum, Dad, me and Humphrey all piled out of the car at the show and made our way to the area I’d arranged to meet up with Seb and his dad. Humphrey sensed them first, suddenly tugging at his lead. I looked up to see Seb give a command to Scooby, who was now standing beside his master, his feet dancing on the spot as his tail whizzed back and forth in a blur. Once upon them, we let the dogs say hello as Seb stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me in a huge hug, his head down by my shoulder and the softest whispered sorry drifted into my ear. His hug tightened and I reciprocated momentarily, acknowledging and forgiving. His eyes lingered for a moment as he pulled away, his hand brushing mine as he then quickly introduced his dad to my parents and they immediately began chatting.
I gave his dad a hug and told him how pleased I was to see him. He replied in kind and although unspoken, I could see something had changed between him and Seb. Not just by the fact they were here together but the atmosphere between them, their body language, their manner – everything was different and far more relaxed.
‘Hello,’ Seb said quietly, turning away from our parents, who had already begun to wander towards the first stalls, talking and laughing.
‘Hi,’ I smiled up.
‘I’m so glad you could come today.’
‘Likewise. I have to say it was kind of unexpected when you said what your plans were.’
‘I can see that. If you’d asked me a week ago if I thought this is what I’d be doing with my weekend, I’d have thought you’d been on the smarties.’
‘So?’ I asked, looking up at him as we wandered slowly along the first row, stopping occasionally for me to look at a plant and for Seb to nod with the encouragement of someone who has no clue what they’re looking at but is still happy to be there. It was wonderful. ‘What happened?’
He blew out a breath. ‘Well, once you left last weekend, I was not exactly the most popular person in that house.’ He glanced down. ‘My dad wouldn’t even look at me. Jamie’s always been the quieter one and has pretty much kept out of things between me and my dad. He and Olivia have always made sure we’re both included in family stuff, but the problems between me and Dad, as far as he was concerned, were between us and he, quite rightly, didn’t want to get involved. But once I came back inside from seeing you off, the tension was pretty high and he’d had enough.’
‘What happened?’ I asked, stroking the leaves of a chocolate variety of herb and holding my hand up for Seb to catch the scent.
‘Ooh, nice. What would you use that for?’
‘Literally no idea. I’d probably just plant it and give it a sniff each day.’
‘Sounds as good a reason as any.’ With that, he handed over some money to the stallholder, pointing at the plant as he did so.
The female stallholder gave him a wide smile and returned his change.
‘Seb. You don’t need to do that!’
He shrugged, shoving his wallet back in the inner pocket of the light jacket he wore. ‘I wanted to.’
‘You don’t have to make anything up to me.’
‘I know. It’s not for that.’
‘What is it for then?’
‘You.’
‘For?’
‘Does there have to be a reason?’
He had me there.
‘I guess not.’ I ran my fingers through the fringy leaves again, releasing the scent and then allowing Scooby and Humph to see what I’d bought, just so that they could be sure it wasn’t food for them. After a few sniffs, they were satisfied on this point and we all moved on. ‘So, Jamie?’
‘Right, yes. So, baby brother basically frogmarched me and our dad down to their summer house, away from the kids, and told us that it was about time we both said whatever it was that we needed to as all of this had gone on for way too long, and he and Olivia were sick of it.’
‘Oh. Gosh!’
‘Yeah, I know. I think Dad and I suddenly realised that we hadn’t really considered the impact our… whatever it was… was having on other people. We both just sort of thought so long as we weren’t arguing, it was all OK. Looking back now, I can see it must have been a bit of a trial for Jamie and Olivia, walking about on eggshells, trying to keep both of us happy. It wasn’t fair on them. He was right.’
‘So, you talked?’
‘Not immediately,’ Seb said, raising his hand in a wave to his dad, who had turned from further up the aisle to see where we were. He smiled
and waved in return before turning back to what seemed like an enjoyably in-depth conversation about something or other with my own dad. ‘Firstly, we both just stood there and stubbornly insisted that there was absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to talk about.’
‘Aah.’
‘Yeah… that didn’t exactly go down well. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen my brother lose his temper. I mean, like really lose it, but he’d had it up to here by then and he just let us have it and said something about being glad that Mum wasn’t there to see us both acting the way we were.’
‘You know, your dad said something very similar when we went up to the allotment. That it would have made her sad to see you two at odds.’
‘He was right. They both were. Of course, because of my hang-up that was kind of the wrong thing to say. Or maybe the right thing, depending on how you look at it.’
‘I’m thinking the fact that you’re here today means it was probably the right thing.’
He smiled, nodding in acceptance. ‘So, Jamie says that about Mum and it just flicks a switch and I yell something about how it’s nice to know that he blames me for Mum’s death too.’ He shook his head. ‘Poor Jamie. He looked so shocked and hurt and I watched all the colour drain out of my dad’s face. My brother asked me what I meant and, the next thing I know, everything was tumbling out. Everything I’d kept inside for so long. All that I told you and more – much more – came out. Stuff I didn’t even realise I was holding on to. It all just…’ he spread his hands, ‘got blurted out.’
He glanced around. Despite his size, Seb was softly spoken, but it was a personal conversation, and the confession had been hard fought. His expression now was one of relief but tinged with surprise, as though he still couldn’t quite believe he’d opened himself up as much as he clearly had.
‘I thought I’d dealt with a lot of this stuff, and I had really, in a lot of ways. But there was still that guilt as to how it had impacted my family. How I’d felt guilty for getting injured and causing my family trauma. Poor Olivia was pregnant at the time and the stress I put her and Jamie under was something I’d completely buried.’
I tucked my arm through Seb’s, suddenly wanting to show my support in any way I could.
‘I hadn’t realised I was still carrying around some survivors’ guilt. I’m not sure that will ever leave me, even though I’ve had counselling and all the rest. It’s a part of me, just as everything I’ve experienced is. But I’d never told my family that. I’d never told my dad – probably one of the few people on the “outside” who would understand. Someone who’d been there and could relate. But I never gave him the chance. I shut those memories away from them all until Sunday, when it all came out.’
I squeezed his arm, not wanting to interrupt but wanting him to know I was listening. That I was there for him too.
Seb let out a long breath between his teeth. ‘That day, my mate wasn’t supposed to be driving. I always drove. There was no reason, but it was just the way it was. I don’t know why that day was different, but my mate called me out on it and said he wanted to drive for once. It was one of those moments that seem insignificant at the time but minutes later can change your whole life, and the lives of those around you.’
‘You wouldn’t have seen the IED either though.’ I said, softly.
‘No. They bury those suckers pretty well. And that area was supposed to be clear. It’s still unknown as to whether it was one that was missed or if more had been put in place since the previous sweep. Either way…’ he left the sentence unfinished. The reality was that it didn’t matter why it was there, just that it had been. And they’d hit it. ‘But the driver’s side took the most impact.’ He shook his head. ‘Billy wasn’t supposed to be driving. That was my job.’
‘No,’ I said, trying to push back the tears that were raw in my throat. ‘You already said there was no reason why you always drove. It was just one of those things. It wasn’t your job to drive. Just as it wasn’t his. Someone has to drive and, that day, he chose to.’
‘I shouldn’t have let him.’
‘Did you outrank him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Were you that bothered about driving? Or about him not driving?’
‘No. On any other day, it wouldn’t even have registered.’
‘Exactly.’
‘But he had a wife, Lottie.’ His voice was soft and I let him lead me to the side, to a grassy hill that, if we turned our backs on the show, let us look out over the North Downs, green and verdant, rolling across the vista.
I nodded and the tears had now pushed their way up. One dropped down on to my cheek. I removed my arm from Seb’s in order to brush it away, but he turned as I did so and his brow wrinkled. He was back in the present, his face full of concern.
‘Oh, Lottie, please don’t cry,’ his hand was at my face, gently cupping my chin as the other thumb brushed the tear from my skin. Scooby sat looking up at us, the lead slack on his master’s arm. Humphrey sat and leant against his pal. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. God, that’s the last thing I want to do. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘No, you should!’ I said, catching his hand. ‘I want you to. I always want you to be able to talk to me. About anything. At any time. Promise you will?’ I gripped his wrist, but he remained silent. ‘Promise me!’ I said, a little more desperate.
‘I can’t bear to see you cry.’
‘Well, it’s going to happen sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not strong enough to hear it. Now, carry on.’ I nodded at him. ‘Please.’
‘Do you want to sit for a moment?’ he asked.
‘That’s a good idea.’ We’d long since lost our parents in the midst of the show, but I think Mum had already expected that to happen.
Seb eased himself down and I sat next to him, the dogs around us, our backs to the show and the new leaves of an ancient oak shading us from the strengthening spring sun. He looked down at me, and then gently wrapped an arm around me, and I leant into him, feeling his strength and his vulnerability. There was more too, but things were emotional enough right now and I wasn’t about to give myself any more to think about, so I pushed that away.
‘I am sorry about your friend.’ I shook my head. ‘That sounds so trite. I don’t know what else to say though.’
‘It’s not. And I know. There isn’t much to say. I went to see his widow and sorry was all I could say then too.’
‘She didn’t blame you though.’
‘No. She didn’t. She was angry still, obviously, and grieving. But she told me he was doing the only thing he’d ever wanted to do and she’d known the risks when she’d married him. She’s a strong woman.’
I swallowed, not sure I would have been able to find the strength that this woman had. ‘But you still blamed yourself?’
‘I just kept turning over why I hadn’t insisted I drive that day? Then he’d still be here.’
‘Do you know that for sure?’ I asked. ‘I mean, if you’d hit that device slightly differently, it might have just taken you both. Isn’t that possible?’
Seb looked out across the sweeping view, but I had a feeling his mind was somewhere far less beautiful. ‘I suppose that’s possible, yes.’
‘But you’re still here,’ I said, my voice wobbling more than I had planned. ‘I know you wish that your friend was too, but none of it was your fault. The “if onlys” can take us in circles, but generally they don’t take us anywhere good.’
He rested his head on mine but remained silent.
‘I’m so glad you’re still here,’ I whispered and he dropped a kiss on the top of my head.
We stayed like that for a few more minutes as we both collected our thoughts and memories.
‘So, what happened next? I mean, last Sunday? Once you’d got on your roll.’
Seb shifted position and Scooby laid his dark head across his owner’s thigh. ‘Jamie asked me what I meant about him blaming me too, and I told
him. Them. All about how I felt that the worry of me being deployed each time had affected Mum’s health, and then getting injured… That’s a parent’s worst nightmare, isn’t it? I guess it doesn’t matter how old your kid is. Being told something has happened to them? I just…’ he shrugged. ‘I just felt that all of that contributed to Mum’s heart condition and ultimately the attack. My brother and I have always been close and he and Mum – they were so alike. Peas in a pod, my dad always said. And then she was gone. And I had to look at this little brother I adored and know that I contributed to him losing someone he was so close to. Who meant the world to him. And then, of course, there was Dad.’
He shook his head slowly and smiled. ‘I’d let loose this absolute torrent of confession and anger and guilt and he was just looking at me. He’d taken a seat by this time and was just looking at me, no colour in his face. His expression was… the only word I can think of is “shattered”. I’d seen it before on the faces of men and women who’ve seen things you would never wish to. And I’d seen it once on Dad too. When the surgeon came out from the Emergency Department theatre where they’d rushed Mum. Dad knew. We all knew. But I guess they still have to say something. On Sunday, I just looked at Dad and told him what I’d truly felt. That I’d stood there that day and watched the light go out in his eyes. People think he’s this tough old soldier, that nothing bothers him, but, god, he adored my mum. He would have done anything for her.’
I thought back to what his dad had said about considering quitting the army life for his wife and boys and knew that Seb was right.
‘I told him I felt responsible for putting that light out and I didn’t know what to do about it. How to handle having been instrumental in taking the woman he adored from his life. Preventing Jamie’s kids from ever really knowing their grandmother. I didn’t know how to make up for that. Jamie and Olivia kept me close and the kids helped, but I’d shoved this wedge between me and Dad and neither of us knew how to remove it.’
‘What happened then?’
Seb let out a little huff of air that was sort of a laugh. ‘I just sort of flopped into a chair. Turns out emotional downloads can be pretty exhausting.’
My Year of Saying No Page 27