Wrecked (Dirty Air Series Book 3)

by Lauren Asher

  “You’re not in the position to bargain. If you don’t share, then it’s not my problem what happens to her.” He shrugs, dismissing me.

  I weigh my decision carefully. A few deep breaths do nothing to ease the heaviness in my stomach. “I didn’t plan on ruining her chance at a job and her paychecks.”

  “Yet you did.” He taps his pen against the desk.

  One deep breath. Two deep breaths. Three—oh fuck this shit.

  “I took the genetic test.”

  Connor’s face shifts from anger to compassion. “Fuck.”

  “I didn’t get the results I was hoping.” I look away from Connor’s gaze, afraid to see his pity. Accepting others’ sympathy feels like a way of accepting my disease, and I’m not ready for that.

  “Shit, I’m sorry, Jax, even though my apology can never be enough for you. How can I help?”

  I swallow, fighting the thoughts threatening to consume me. I’ve avoided talking to everyone about it, including my parents because denial seems safer than accepting the bleak outcome of my life.

  The first thought I had yesterday was how I needed to push Elena away. Not because of my own selfish reasons, but because I couldn’t be selfish enough. And let’s face it—a lot of decisions in my life have been centered around myself. But ending things with Elena? That was 100% the most difficult thing I did to myself.

  “I want things to be normal. I don’t need anyone else knowing before the season ends. If I even decide to say anything.”

  “But is the pressure good for you? I don’t want F1 to put your body through more stress.”

  “This is all I have going for me. I’ve survived my whole life behind the wheel so I think I can handle the rest of the season.”

  Connor nods his head. “I’ll help Elena out. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Don’t tell her it’s because of me, please.”

  “You’re really letting her go?”

  I look away. “She was never mine to keep. Life with me would be like living in a gilded cage—pretty to look at, but a cage nonetheless.”

  I’ve never experienced a pain quite like breaking Elena’s heart. Learning about my diagnosis and ruining any chance of me having a future with the person I love all in twenty-four hours drained me. I fight everything in me to not call her and beg for a chance. To not fight for her and us because I can’t imagine not having her around.

  It takes a gross amount of strength to enter our bedroom after this morning’s fight.

  My bedroom.

  I take a shower to give myself something to do. Something in the trash bin catches my eye when I’m about to exit the bathroom. I grab the bin and tip it upside down. Every nightlight I bought Elena falls into the sink. The dull pain in my chest becomes a full-blown wound as I find her little purple notes she must’ve taken out of my bottle of pills.

  I struggle between wanting to smash my fist into the mirror and grabbing a mini bottle of alcohol from the fridge to drown my emotions. Fighting the urge, I vote against the two options, hoping I can control myself enough to get past this rough patch.

  I pluck the notes from the sink. Instead of returning them to the bin, I put them in my carry-on bag. My hands shake as I throw each nightlight back in the bin because I have no use for them.

  I lay in the dark, struggling to fall asleep for the first time without Elena. To avoid the temptation of calling her, I head to the bathroom to grab a drink of water. The bin filled with the lights taunts me once again. On a whim, I grab one and plug it into the outlet on Elena’s side of the bed.

  I stare at the F1 car and hope she can find it in her heart one day to love someone else. Causing her pain now rather than later seemed like the better option, but the reasoning behind my actions doesn’t ease the pain in my chest.

  I can’t imagine her pushing me around in a wheelchair or giving up her choice of having her own child. Her life has been plagued with sacrifice after sacrifice, and I can’t find it in me to be selfish enough to add to her misery.

  I close my eyes, accepting the heartbreak, knowing I made the right choice for her.

  Mum knocks on my door before coming into the hotel bedroom. “Your dad wanted me to ask if you were interested in grabbing dinner with us? We don’t want you going to bed hungry before your qualifier tomorrow.”

  I don’t bother getting up from the bed. After putting on a fake face during practice rounds, all I wanted to do was wallow in my feelings. “No thanks. I’m fine calling for a meal in a bit.”

  Mum moves to the other side of the bed and climbs onto it. She lies down and grabs my hand like I’m a little kid again. “Tell me how I can make this better. How can I fix it?”

  “There’s nothing to fix. It’s done because I destroyed everything.”

  She squeezes my hand tighter. “You can always apologize. If you regret it, it’s never too late to make things right with Elena. You’re in a vulnerable place right now. She would understand more than anyone how things can spiral out of control.”

  “No, she won’t. I made sure she wouldn’t want to be with me ever again, let alone speak to me. I used every secret and vulnerable moment she’s ever shared with me against her.”

  “Why?” Mum can’t help the sadness in her voice.

  “Because I’m not her knight in shining armor. I’m the grim fucking reaper, stealing away her goddamn future.”

  “I feel so guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you talk like this.” She turns her head. A few tears stream down her face onto my pillow.

  A cold sensation spreads through my body at my mum’s distress. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t help it. You’re my child, and I brought this upon you. It’s my fault.”

  “It was a fifty-fifty chance. The odds were stacked against me from the start.”

  “But you were happy.” She wipes away a few tears. “You were finally finding happiness. I should’ve discouraged you from taking the test. Instead I helped you, thinking it would be different. And now…”

  “Now I saved Elena from a life of pain. Not knowing would’ve eaten away at me eventually. Better to know now than later, after marriage and…”

  “Kids.” Mum nods her head in understanding.

  “I wouldn’t have been able to deny Elena that experience. If we ever got serious like that.”

  “Shouldn’t you let her decide that?”

  “She would decide to stand by me.”

  “Then that’s someone you want in your corner from the get-go.” Mum offers me a wobbly smile.

  “You don’t get it. I can’t carry that weight of her being unhappy with me. I would never have a child of my own, knowing I could pass on the gene. That and I wouldn’t want my girlfriend, or maybe wife one day, to take care of me while I waste away.”

  She recoils, her body tensing. “Is that how you think your dad feels about me?”

  “Shit. No. Dad loves you more than anything. But I’m not blind to the pain it causes him to see you upset and hurting.”

  Her lip trembles. “I beg you to reconsider your relationship with Elena. You don’t want to be making a serious decision when you’re emotional and lost. You received news that would turn anyone’s world upside down, and that’s not the time to make a life-changing decision.”

  “I ruined any chance of us getting back together either way. I had to do it. I honestly didn’t expect the test to be positive.” My voice chokes. “I thought I had a real chance because the tremors were better after switching medications and my anxiety was more controlled.”

  I did my job well, demolishing all of Elena’s hope toward having any kind of life with me. I embraced her hurt like it was my own, with each pained word escaping her mouth hitting me like a dagger to the chest.

  I had hope, for once. And like everything in my life, it was useless and temporary.

  Mum squeezes my hand harder. “I know. I was hoping it wasn’t. God, I prayed day and night after we booked the appointment.”

>   One tear leaks out of my eye. I’m not used to crying, but everything feels like it’s crashing down around me. Every single damn thing. “Where do I go from here?”

  “You’ll rise above this and take advantage of all those years you have left. I can’t answer what you want from life. Only you can.”

  “Everything I wanted or thought I wanted, seems impossible.” I stare up at the ceiling.

  “Only to you.” Mum remains quiet, keeping me company amidst my misery.

  Mum doesn’t say anything else. She holds my hand while I teeter on the edge of breaking, not wanting to push me over the edge.

  My sadness recedes, replaced by emptiness.

  Black, numbing emptiness.

  46

  Jax

  I take a deep breath as I walk up the steps of my private jet.

  “Hey jackass, are you planning on going inside or do you want to keep us waiting out here?” Liam calls out behind me.

  Sophie laughs.

  “Why did I invite you both again?” Clenching my fists, I enter the cabin. Memories flood my head as I check out the seat Elena always preferred. The emptiness in my chest shifts to longing as I assess the completed puzzle.

  “Because you’re a good friend and my jet needs a maintenance check,” Liam calls out behind me as he walks inside.

  “You should fly commercial.”

  Liam mockingly gasps. “You hate me that much?”

  I flop into a chair across from Elena’s old one.

  Sophie eyes the puzzle, tracing her finger along the edge. “Wow. This is impressive. I didn’t peg you as a puzzle person.”

  “He’s not.” Liam slides into the chair across from me.

  “Oh.” Sophie’s eyes flare with recognition.

  “The things we do for the ones we love.” Liam pats the chair next to him for Sophie to sit.

  “Why did you end things with Elena?” Sophie bites down on her bottom lip.

  “I’m not talking about this with you both. It’s not too late for you two to catch a flight.” Guilt destroys my mental clarity as I think up the real reason I ended things with Elena. I hate the unsolicited image infiltrating my head of her upset at me, holding back her tears as she lifts her chin in defiance.

  Most of all, I hate wondering if I will regret pushing Elena away for the rest of my life. It turns out inviting my friends on a flight is anything but helpful, instead making me frustrated while giving them an all-access pass to my hell.

  Liam frowns. “Don’t be a dick to us because you fucked up.”

  “Stop.” Sophie pinches Liam’s side.

  “No. What’s the use of pussy-footing around this?”

  “Because you don’t know other people’s reasons for what they do.”

  Yeah, Liam, listen to your girlfriend. I fumble with my headphones, pretending to ignore their conversation.

  “Based on how miserable he looks, I don’t think he made the right decision. Someone has to be the voice of reason around here.”

  Oh, fuck off. “You don’t know what the bloody hell you’re talking about,” I snap. “There’s a difference between making the right decision and making the easy one. Don’t cast judgments about shit you don’t understand.” Anger feels good. Anger feels so fucking good I want to hold on to the feeling rather than the anxiety pulling me under time and time again.

  Liam’s mouth drops open. “I’m sorry. I only want to help you.”

  “I don’t want anyone’s help, especially for shit you can’t begin to comprehend, let alone help with.”

  Hurt flashes across Liam’s face. “Listen, I can’t understand you if you don’t share what’s going on in the first place. We’re friends, and friends help one another.”

  “This isn’t something you can undo with a smile and a big take me back because I’m a total wanker without you speech. Not all of us can be Liam freaking Zander, king of fucking up and still getting what he wants in the end.” My skin becomes hot and irritated, and I rush to stand.

  My eyes land on the puzzle. Every emotion rushes through me, making my chest ache as I assess the hot-air balloons. The memory of taking Elena to the festival plagues my thoughts. An image of her—radiant as she smiles at the sky above with the same reverence she saves for me. Of how she kissed me until both our lips were swollen, whispering sweet words into the sky.

  The balloons remind me of that stupid, hopeful fool who agreed to a test because of love. Anger and sadness fuse together, replacing the memory with despair.

  Before anyone has a chance to stop me, I swipe my arm across the table. Hundreds of puzzle pieces fly through the air, scattering across the black carpet like snowflakes.

  Snow-fucking-flakes.

  Another memory of Elena’s snow globes assaults me like bullets from an automatic rifle. I clutch onto my shirt as if it can dull the pain echoing through my chest.

  I stomp across the puzzle pieces as I walk toward the bedroom at the rear of the cabin, snapping some unintentionally with my boots. The door slamming behind me matches the throb in my chest before I’m met with silence.

  Silence isn’t for the faint of heart. That’s where the demons come out and play.

  Welcome back, motherfucker.

  A soft knock wakes me up. I rise from the bed and open the door to find Sophie staring up at me.

  “Hey, can we talk?”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  Liam calls out from the front of the cabin. “No, you bet you don’t, you fucking asshole. And you better treat my girlfriend with respect or else I’ll smash that cocky-ass grin off your face.”

  Sophie mouths sorry.

  I pop my head out from the bedroom and meet Liam’s gaze. “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier.”

  His eyes soften. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don’t go getting all teary-eyed on me.” He smiles back as he wipes under his eyes with his middle finger.

  I let out a laugh as I open the door wider for Sophie to enter. “Come on in.”

  “And keep the door open, Sophie Marie Mitchell! You know the rule about other boys.” Liam’s voice echoes.

  She bites down on her lip to hide her laugh. I ignore Liam’s protest as I shut the door behind me.

  “I’m sorry for freaking out earlier.” I sit in a chair across from the bed.

  “And I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.” Sophie copies me, sitting on the edge of the mattress.

  “I still shouldn’t react like that. I’m better than letting an angry outburst control me.”

  “We all have emotions. Honestly, I’m grateful you expressed yourself, anger and all, because I think you’ve spent too long hiding how you feel.”

  I tilt my head at her. “Why do you say that?”

  “Because I’ve been around you for almost two years. Everyone knows what lingers behind the playboy facade is never pretty.”

  “And what made you come to this conclusion?”

  “I compared how happy you seemed with Elena to how you are now without her.”

  I take a deep breath in an attempt to ease my growing worry about Sophie poking into my head. “And?”

  “And it’s obvious you love her enough to feel miserable in her absence.”

  “Can we not talk abou—”

  Sophie stands and walks up to me. She bends down to wrap her arms around my body and tug me into her. “I don’t know why you broke up with her, but you don’t have to face your sadness or anxiety alone. Don’t take the pills. Let us be there for you, and please don’t push us away. Especially Liam. He cares a lot about you and only wants to support you if you let him.”

  “I don’t know how to start explaining myself.”

  She pulls away and smiles. “That’s the beauty of friendship. We’ll stick around, with or without a full understanding of what’s going on.”

  For the first time in a few days, I feel relief. I have friends who care enough about me to not let me fall back into a vicious cycle of pills and drinking to combat overwhelming feeling
s.

  And with relief comes the tiniest flame of hope that I will get through this.

  I’ve made it my personal mission to make sure my mistake doesn’t cause Elena any more harm. After fixing her finances with Connor, I need to make connections for her. I start with the team I know best and plan to work my way from there.

  Liam set me up to meet with James Mitchell, Bandini’s team principal, and the man who basically runs the show there. He may have graying hair and a few wrinkles, but the man is an absolute beast. I reckon he can out bench press me any day of the week.

  James looks at me with stern green eyes before they drop to the paper in front of him. He crosses his legs and leans back in his office chair, hitting me with a scowl. “Why her?”

  “Noah told me he doesn’t like the Bandini PR reps. I thought I might as well solve your problem while fixing mine.”

  Okay, more like Noah gave in after I explained Elena’s situation because of my mistake, but James doesn’t need to know that.

  He raises a dark brow. “Let me get this straight: you fucked up and got her fired, yet you want another company to hire her. I wonder why that is.”

  On the outside, I’m the usual Jax, cold and uncaring. But on the inside, I cringe at how far my mess up went that even James knows about it. “She’s a hard worker and knows her shit. My actions don’t reflect her work ethic. Quite the opposite seeing as she lasted almost a whole season around me.”

  “Yet you’re the one with a high-paying job while she’s out of one. Funny how the world works.”

  “It’s not funny. If you don’t want to hire her, fine. I’ll take her references to Sauvage.”

  “I didn’t say that. But tell me, why do you care if I hire her?” He remains stoic except for the smallest twitch in his lips.

  “Do I have to spell it out for you?”

  “Please and say it slowly to make sure I hear it all. I’m getting old.”

  I’m tempted to flip him off but refrain because Elena being hired is more important than my twitchy middle finger. “Liam told me about you.”