Weed

by Peter Ponzo

  Chapter 48

  "Okay, so I was preoccupied with the situation," I said. We were sitting in the kitchen, snacking on Charles' Mexican pizza: nachos, pepperoni, salsa and gobs of cheese, melted in the microwave. It seemed we were always sitting in the kitchen, snacking. A bottle of sweating Chardonnay sat untouched on the table. Charles was in bed. Josey was stuffing handfuls of nachos into her capacious maw.

  "Preoccupied, y'all say," Boone said. "With what? Ape rape? Fess up, ma'am. Y'all was mesmerized, watching them do their thing. Ol' Hans 'n Miss Cowley, they was—"

  "Oh shut up!" I said. It was embarassing. I was enchanted with the scene. I had even laid my cleaver down … somewhere. I was without a weapon, naked and cold. "At least we know that Hans is still attracted to Josey," I said, trying to steer the conversation.

  "You can bet on it," Josey said, cheese dripping from her lips. "It was good, ya know? I didn't think it would be, but it was good. Better'n when Hans was … well, just Hans. He's got—"

  "Yes, yes, we all know what he's got," I said, disgusted by the whole situation. I turned to Boone. "So, what now, cowboy? Anything worthwhile to contribute to this conversation, or are you just filled with such mirth that all cerebral activity has ceased."

  Boone sat back and stared at me, smiling. I was draped in a blanket and sniffling. I sneezed. That damn cold.

  "Y'all look like ya bin rode hard and put up wet," he said. "T'ain't good weather. In Texas, it'd be hotter 'n a rat in a wool sock, 'cept when we git a blue norther. Anyway, when the warning bell rang in mah room—" he began.

  "Warning bell? What warning bell?" I asked.

  "When something broke the beam it sent a signal to mah room and—"

  "Beam? What beam?"

  "Ah had me a laser beam running 'crosst yer yard. When is was broke, mah bell rang 'n Ah phoned Charles, then came a-runnin' right quick. Ah was staying at that motel up the road aways. Y'all was sleepin' at the time. When Ah gits here, Charles is waitin' out front 'n lets me in. That's when we heard the noise in the cellar … growling, grunting 'n the like. We knew Josey was down there, 'cause that was the plan. But the gruntin' 'n all? That wasn't part o' the plan."

  Josey looked up from her Mexican feasting. "Lordy, no," she said with gusto. "That was an extra."

  "Plan? Did you say plan? And why wasn't I informed of this … this plan?" I said. I was angry. "Shit! It's my house. It's my basement. It's my—"

  "Charles said y'all were in no shape to discuss the plan, what with yer cold 'n all," Boone said. "He figured you'd best rest and—"

  Josey moaned. "Yes, Miss Fran, we figured you needed the rest. You might object to my waiting in the basement. I was willing and able, but, in your condition, you might want to get too involved and—"

  "Damn it all!" I shouted, rising from the table. "I should have been told! I could have been killed, mawled by that wild beast, torn into—"

  "Truth, thet gorilla looked strong 'nough to stick his funger up his ass and hold hisself at arm's length," Boone drawled, a smug grin on his ugly face. He was obviously enjoying this whole scene. "But Ah'd say y'all was enjoyin' the situation. Besides, Josey was a-waitin' and she'd come betwixt you 'n—"

  "Betwixt!" I shouted. "Josey got screwed, plain and simple. Is that betwixt? What good was she with her ass in the air and a smile on her face?"

  "Is was good, Miss Fran," Josey volunteered. "Lordy, yes."

  Boone stood up and thrust his stetson on his head. He was so tall that we stopped arguing and stared up at the Texan. "That's 'bout enough!" he said, with such authority that the room went quiet. Even the fridge stopped humming. "If'n we're to catch a ape, we gotta have a plan … another plan. Hans ain't gonna come back through a plywood window no more. Let's set and think … hard!" He sat, hard, and I could hear the wooden chair groan.

  There was complete silence for several minutes. I was thoroughly impressed with this cowboy. Maybe, if he stayed over a night or two, I could get him into bed … again.

  "I'd be willin' to do it again," Josey said, in little more than a whisper. "For the sake of our plan, of course," she added quickly. "Maybe Hans wouldn't come through the basement window, but maybe he'd come to my room, if he knew where my room was. Maybe I could leave the window open and the light on and strut about …" She stopped talking when she saw me scowl.

  "Good idee," Boonie boy said. "Let's go with it! Thet plywood window got pole-axed and c'ain't be fixed with duct tape so we need a whole nuther thing." He turned to me. "If'n it's okay with y'all, I'd like to stay here, jest in case. It takes awhile to git here from the motel. Ah jest need to warsh mah socks 'n—"

  "Okay!" I said, perhaps too quickly. "Uh … I guess so. You could use the room next to mine." I flashed my best smile, all teeth and lips and fluttering eyelids—then sneezed into the nachos.