Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  What I didn’t know at the time was the majority of the members had been prior service. The club had actually been started up by seven veterans who had been lost and flailing after coming home from Vietnam. They banded together to keep each other sane and to recreate the camaraderie they needed. Those feelings were what drew most of the members in. Yeah, most of us had issues, I ain’t gonna sugarcoat shit. But we understood each other. We were there for each other. No matter what.

  Gunny was the first one to suggest me joining the club when he saw my bike parked out in front of the store one day. At first I had rebelled and told him I didn’t want anything to do with them. I wanted to be alone. The only person I really talked to at the time was my buddy Kayde, who was still finishing up his enlistment. He had another couple of years left and had been talking about settling by me since I was more family than his own.

  That would be Joker. The day he was patched at the end of last year had been one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life. He was like my little brother already, and then he actually became my brother through the patch.

  Anyway, Gunny finally wore me down. He spent so much time talking to me, he started to bring small parts of me slowly back to life. Still, there were parts of me that were so black, I doubted anyone would ever find a light that could breach through the dark desolation I felt.

  That was until Kassi. She was that bright ray of sunshine I had been waiting my whole life for, and I chased her away. Straight into the arms of another man. It didn’t get any more cliché than that. Cliché or not, it still fucking hurt. Ripped out my heart. When Reaper had asked me if I loved her that night, he had planted a seed that took root, and I couldn’t eradicate it no matter how hard I tried.

  She was so deeply embedded in my mind, I thought I saw her everywhere, her scent followed me, and she infiltrated my dreams every night. Despite all of that, I was doing my best to let go and move on. Thoughts of her no longer brought me to my knees. Now I just felt a slight twinge in my chest. The true test would be to actually lay eyes on her. I wasn’t quite brave enough to test myself with that, so I avoided anywhere I thought she might be. Better safe than sorry, right?

  Reaper yelled out that chow was ready, and everyone made their way through the line, heaping food on their plates. Laughter and friendly voices filled the air as everyone ate and conversation flowed around the group. Some people didn’t understand the draw to an MC, but this was it. It was about family.

  “No date today, Hacker?” Joker laughed, and I wanted to punch him in his laughing damn face. That fucker could always seem to sense my thoughts, and I swore he said shit just to piss me off.

  “Fuck no. And where is your date, asshole?” There was a flash of something in his eyes before he laughed. I had a feeling there was something going on with him, but he hadn’t said anything. He had gone out of town unexpectedly last week, and he had been scarce around the clubhouse. Come to think of it, I had stopped by the Tattoo shop to have him touch up my ink and our other artist, Roy, said Joker called to have him reschedule his appointments for Monday and Tuesday.

  “Don’t laugh, fucker. If you don’t have a woman stashed somewhere, then where the hell did you run off to last week? What the hell’s up with you?” When I put him on the spot, he looked away and took a big drag of his E-cig. Do you even call it a drag on a fake cigarette? Hell, I didn’t know. Either way, I could tell I had touched on a nerve.

  Hollywood broke out in a giant grin before he shouldered Joker.

  “What the fuck? You holding out on us, Joker? You and Hacker both. Being all fucking mopey and shit. If this is about some chick, we need to find you each a good woman and get you settled down.” Hollywood tipped up his beer, but his laughing eyes told me he knew he was hitting nerves.

  “What the fuck ever.” I snorted in disgust. “I don’t need anything.” Fucker thought just because he was happily shackled, the rest of us wanted to be. Man, screw that.

  “Fuck.” The little voice rang out at a moment that seemed completely silent. Remi was sitting at a small table set up for the kids, with Reaper and Steph in chairs next to her. Reaper looked at me and mouthed “Really, fucker?” before he said, “Damn, man, y’all need to watch your fucking mouths. My little girl is copying your dumb asses.” Steph turned wide and chastising eyes on him.

  “Really, babe? Like you’re any better. Do you listen to yourself? That little girl will be able to cuss better than a sailor by the time she is in first grade!” We all groaned.

  “No! No sailor talk! That’s blasphemy!” My expression of indignation had everyone laughing.

  “Man, shut the hell up. After all, you jarheads are just glorified sailors.” Hollywood snickered.

  When I jumped up out of my chair in his direction, he jumped up so fast his chair tipped backward, and he was scrambling back and laughing his ass off. Knowing I was coming after him, he quickly handed off his plate to Becca and started moving away from everyone.

  “Yeah, that’s right you little Army fucker, you better run.” I couldn’t keep a straight face anymore though, and I was laughing as hard as he was by the time I tackled him to the ground. We wrestled around for a few minutes before we both flopped back to the ground, staring up at the thick white clouds in the crystal-blue sky above with breathless laughter. Someone nudged me with a booted toe, and I glanced up to see Snow shaking his head at us.

  “You children finished? You’re setting a bad example for the actual kids.” He stood there with his arms crossed looking down at us.

  “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a young Clint Eastwood?” My question had him trying to hold back a smile.

  “Well, technically, he could be like Scott Eastwood, then,” Hollywood chimed in with his signature grin. He and I laughed, and Snow reached out a hand to help me up. After I was standing, I did the same for Hollywood.

  “You dumb asses got jokes, huh? I’ll remember that….” Though he was definitely trying to hide it, his smile broke through his stern mask as he walked off toward the coolers, shaking his head.

  “Love you, bro. You know I was just fuckin’ with you.” Hollywood reached an arm out to hook around my neck to pull me close. “We loved you jarheads. For real. Someone had to take our hand-me-downs.”

  Laughing, I replied, “Fuck off. You loved us because you little Army men needed heroes, too.”

  As we went back to eating, the good-natured ribbing went on for a while between those of us in the club who were veterans. No different than any other time. It never failed when we were all together. Though we gave each other shit, we respected each other regardless of the branch any of us served in, because ultimately, we all served. That was a bond no one could ever sever. Regardless, we each had a certain loyalty to our own branch.

  After I finished with my plate, I tossed it in the trash and sat back down by Reaper and Steph.

  “Dang, Erik, what the heck have you been doing? You’ve always been in shape, but you look like your muscles have muscles!” Steph poked my bicep with one finger.

  “Ha ha. Cute, Stephy. Just been spending more time at the gym.” Like every waking moment I wasn’t working my computer security business or working something for the club. It seemed to be help keep my mind off Kassi. At that point, I was desperate for any distractions I could get.

  “You need to make sure Colton goes with you. I wouldn’t want him to lose that sexy body I love so very much.” Winking at Reaper, she multitasked by trying to eat, hold a conversation with us, feed Wyatt, and keep his busy hands from upending her plate. Moms were pretty amazing like that.

  She was doing pretty good until little Wyatt decided he was done eating and was wiggling all over the place, trying to flip her plate, pull her blonde hair, and scoot down to the ground where his sister sat eating some grapes. Poor Steph was playing hell with him and trying to eat. Without thinking, I reached over and grabbed him from her, pulling him to my lap. At the dead silence that suddenly became unavoidably noticeable, I lo
oked up to see everyone staring at me like I had a dick coming out of my forehead.

  “What?” In confusion, I glanced around the group where every set of eyes was riveted to me, mouths open, catching flies. Wyatt used my distraction to his advantage and latched his little fingers into my beard. The fifteen-month-old was strong, and he held it in a killer grip.

  “Hey, you little beast. Easy on the beard, buddy.” Leaning close to him, I smelled sunshine and baby shampoo in his dark hair. His bright blue eyes, exactly like his daddy, looked at me with fascination as he continued to pet and pull on my beard. He felt so right in my arms. This… this was what I had missed out on. Fuck.

  “Well, fuck me. ¿Qué carajo?” The awestruck words came from Joker. He was the first to speak.

  “Are you feeling okay, Hacker?” Reaper was the next one to speak. Shit, these guys were acting like I had just said I was giving away my bike or something equally as shocking.

  Hollywood grinned that signature smirk and had to run his big mouth too. “Hacker, that’s the first time I’ve seen you come within ten feet of anyone’s kids… let alone hold one. We all thought you were maybe… allergic to babies.” He was so full of shit.

  “What the fu—uh…” Almost slipped out more damn cuss words in front of these impressionable little ears. “Uh, sorry, Stephy. That was close.” She was still staring at me with her plate suspended in the air and her mouth open.

  “I… uh, I guess I just haven’t wanted to before now.” My muttered response earned me a wry look of disbelief from those closest to me. There were still a few covert glances thrown my way, but everyone had pretty much resumed their conversations. Yeah, I was fully aware my grabbing Wyatt to help Steph out had been uncharacteristic of me, but I didn’t realize everyone had noticed my aversion to being close to their, well, any kids. Come to think of it, the only one I ever really had anything to do with was Remi, and she was five now and more like a mini adult. That little girl had everyone wrapped around her finger. Remi and I had been buddies since Steph came back from Des Moines with her. Then again, she was like one of my nieces and nephews. Of course, I never held any of them.

  I imagined Kassi with her belly distended with my child. She would be beautiful. Radiant. Glowing. Christ, I needed to stop thinking about her. But it was hard when we were all together with everyone’s family in attendance. Looking around at the brothers and their old ladies made me covetous. Not of their women, but of their relationships, the outpouring of love between them. Before Kassi, I couldn’t have given two shits about being at the family get-togethers alone. Dammit, this blows. She still took up too much real estate in my head.

  “I can take him now if you want.” Steph’s voice broke into my quiet introspection. Noticing Steph had finished with her food and Reaper had taken her plate from her, I handed Wyatt back to her. The pang at letting him go surprised me. The questions crept into my mind again. Seeping around my gray matter, they began overlapping, and even physically shaking my head couldn’t make them go away.

  Had it been a boy or a girl? Would he or she have had my dark hair or her light hair? Would I have been a good dad, like Reaper and Hollywood? Would I have loved them as deeply as the love I noticed in both my brothers’ eyes?

  Memories and guilt assailed my mind, on top of the repeating questions, and I needed to get away. Like immediately. The only thing that cleared my head when it got this bad was asphalt flying under my wheels and the wind in my face. So, doing the only thing I knew to clear my head, I told everyone I was taking off, said my goodbyes, and climbed on my bike.

  My pipes rumbled as I pulled out of the lot and onto the highway. It was mere seconds before I was exceeding the speed limit without a single, flying fuck that I could be arrested for how far over the limit I was going.

  When the roar of pipes came up behind me at an accelerated speed, I looked in my rearview and took a quick glance over my shoulder. My heart rate jumped at the possibility it could be someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart. Relieved breath left my body when I noted it was Joker on his black V-rod. Damn that motherfucker was fast.

  He pulled up next to me, and we followed the road up into Minnesota. Handlebar to handlebar, we navigated the twists and turns of the road. This was peace. No words, no worries, just the wind and the road. The best therapy on God’s green Earth.

  Hours had passed by the time we crossed back into Iowa. The sun was going down in a kaleidoscope-colored sunset just as we skirted Spirit Lake on 240th Avenue. Twinkling ahead were the lights of town. As I took the last curve at the south side of the lake and was approaching the turn to continue on 240th, there was a burning sensation in my arm.

  “Fuck!” Looking down at my arm, I noticed blood running from the painful area and knew some motherfucker had shot me. “What the every-loving fuck?” I shouted, causing Joker to look over at me. His eyes widened behind his helmet, and he had just signaled for us to pull over when my back tire broke loose. No matter what I would have done, there was no saving it. Joker had time to slam on his brakes and swerve away from me before my bike started to roll.

  Most people may think getting thrown off your bike and rolling down an asphalt road would be painful. Maybe it was, but whether it was adrenaline or I was checking out that fast, I didn’t feel a thing and the world spun by in near slow motion. By the time I stopped rolling, my vision was blurring and the sounds of Joker yelling were muffled.

  This just turned into a very bad day….

  “Second Chance”—Shinedown

  FLASHING LIGHTS AND SIRENS were present and visible before the ambulance pulled into the bay. The sirens shut off as they made the turn in to the hospital, but the lights continued to flash and spin as they came to a stop and the doors flew open.

  “Here we go, Kassi.” Hunter and I were both trauma junkies. Not that we wished for people to get hurt, but we were all over that shit, getting them fixed up or patched up when they did.

  As the paramedic began relaying the patient’s current stats, vitals, and condition to us, we were all rushing as one to the doors leading to the trauma room. Thankfully, they had resuscitated him by the time they arrived. Many don’t make it back from a code situation. To make it worse, it was hard to assess him at a glance because he was covered in blood. In my mind, I was already anticipating this poor guy would need at least two pints of blood; he looked like he’d lost a lot.

  As we transferred him from the gurney to the trauma bed, his tattooed forearm and hand flopped out from under the blanket. My eyes studied that arm as I helped tuck it safely on the bed. My mind spun, a niggling, a wisp of something, but just on the fringes of my mind, memory struggled to surface. By rote, I transferred the fluid bag to the hook on our trauma bed.

  In a split second, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Stumbling backward and bumping into Hunter, my gaze shot to the patient’s face. That’s when I noted the beard, though it hadn’t registered initially, as it was covered in blood and an oxygen mask. With shaking hands, I attached the oxygen and set the rate at the doctor’s instructions.

  “Kassi, you okay? You’re white as a sheet.” Hunter’s voice sounded as if it came from a hundred miles away as I robotically went through the motions to care for the patient I now knew was Erik. “Kassi! Look at me!” He spun me to face him, and it snapped me out of my emotional trance.

  “I’m good.” My voice only betrayed a slight waver as I answered. Clearing my throat, I repeated in a voice I was proud to say was firmer, “Really, I’m good.”

  I’d never know if it was Hunter yelling my name that stirred him or the sound of my voice, but as I stood there, my arm was seized by a firm, sticky hand. Looking down, I saw it was Erik’s bloody hand. His head and neck were still stabilized by the C-collar, so he couldn’t turn his head to me, but his eyes bore into me with fear and question. The blue seemed to glow bright turquoise in contrast to the darkened, dried blood covering his face. His eyes widened further as they took in my obviously pregnant belly
, but before I could say anything, they rolled up in his head, and I heard the most dreaded phrase to be uttered in a trauma.

  “We’re losing him!”

  Snapping back into my zone, I compartmentalized the fact that this was the father of my baby dying on the bed. The rest of the trauma team and I ran through the situation like we were trained. It was fast, furious, but precise. Truthfully, I should have excused myself because of the personal aspect of this case. My charge nurse wouldn’t have held it against me, but deep down, I knew I was good at my job and he needed me.

  We had just defibrillated him after getting a shockable rhythm. Everyone cheered momentarily and took a relieved breath when he returned to a normal sinus rhythm. We went back to work stabilizing his injuries, and it wasn’t long before we received the notification that CareFlight had landed and we were on the move, rolling to get him transported to Sioux Falls.

  The whole incident took way less than an hour but felt like a lifetime from start to finish. When I watched them load him up into the helicopter and rise into the air, my heart was on the chopper with all of them. My emotions had run through an emotional blender tonight, and my ability to compartmentalize deteriorated the moment he was in the air.

  When I dropped to my knees, the wind whipping my hair loose from my braid and covering my face, Hunter was there to wrap his arms around me.

  “It’s okay, baby. It’s tough when we get them and they’re so touch and go, but you can’t let it get to you personally. You’re going to burn yourself out.” His lips pressed into my hair on top of my head. For a few moments, we sat there silently, and he let me just cry. Even though Erik had pushed me away and said he didn’t want anything to do with either me or our baby, the shock I saw in his eyes when he saw my belly gave me pause. He knew, but maybe it was a shock to be faced with us?

  Either way, seeing him on the verge of death, not knowing if he would make it, tore my heart to shreds before it lifted off with him. The love I had tried to bury resurfaced to take my entire world and psyche by storm. He was a sudden tornado from clear skies, and I didn’t have a clue how to handle it because I hadn’t had time to prepare. Oh, I thought I had, but little did I know there was no preparing for that.