He was only three pounds, fifteen ounces when he was born. A small chihuahua weighed more than him. As expected, he had lost weight, but was still doing well, all things considered. The staff had told me he would have to be over four pounds, able to maintain his temperature, and hopefully eating on his own, not from a tube, before he could go home. In other words, we had a long road ahead of us.
To top off the adversities he had overcome, he had his umbilical cord around his neck during birth. Had I been more coherent, I would have known the concern the nurses were exhibiting over the strips was my itty-bitty son experiencing prolonged late decels. Late decelerations of the baby’s heart rate during a contraction could signify compression of the umbilical cord, or other reasons that cause decreasing oxygen to the baby. Decelerations could be normal, but it depended on when they occurred, how long they lasted and if they then accelerated appropriately afterward.
Yeah, sometimes being a nurse paid off, but then again, sometimes that knowledge just led to more worry.
Anyway, there had been some concern over the effect that may have had on his brain. Though I didn’t consider myself a religious person, I certainly hadn’t had a shortage of prayers for little Sebastian’s continued positive progress.
Kylie, my nurse today, had just helped me get settled in my chariot, aka my crappy-ass hospital wheelchair. She was hanging my IV fluids from the hook she raised at the back. A warm blanket had been tucked around my legs, and I was impatiently waiting for her to get all of my monitors paused and everything temporarily disconnected before we left the room. Movement outside my room had me looking up.
My heart leapt in my throat as I recognized the leather vests with the patch of Hades on the back. The whimper, which snuck unbidden from my very core, occurred at the same time as a set of gray-blue eyes looked up from the floor where the three men stood talking in low tones.
Joker. His eyes widened the moment recognition set in.
If he was here, did that mean Erik was still here? In ICU?
“Joker!” I shouted in surprise. The poor nurse behind me must have thought I was losing my marbles because she stepped around to the front of my chair, blocking the men from view as she checked to see if I was okay.
“Ms. Donahue? Is everything okay?” Kylie had bent over to look me in the eye. I knew she was checking my pupils and my cognition as she spoke and assessed me. Once she had assured herself of my lucidity, she glanced over her shoulder, following my gaze out the doorway.
Her eyes widened in surprise and, if I read her correctly, more than a little fear at seeing a group of bikers out in the hall of her floor. It made me want to laugh at the obvious misconceptions she must have running through her head. “Do you know them?” she whispered in awe.
“Yeah….” My absent reply stretched out as the man I had first recognized knocked on my doorframe. His stormy-gray eyes left me briefly to check out my nurse’s ass, and I had to laugh. He unabashedly shrugged his shoulders as a grin spread across his face.
“Hey, beautiful. I didn’t know you were here. Everything okay with you?” He glanced with worry at my belly, then again at Kylie. He seemed to be gauging what he could say in front of her. Besides, no one wants to ask someone why they were in the ICU, but it wasn’t like it was a secret that I was pregnant. Embarrassment flooded me at the thought of all the guys knowing Erik hadn’t wanted us, though.
“Umm, well, as good as can be expected. Sebastian was premature, and he had… we had complications. But…” My words stuck in my throat. “Erik? Is he…?” No matter how hard I tried, the words wouldn’t come. The guys hadn’t looked jovial as they stood huddled in the hall. The thought that he was here so close and not doing well had my heart hammering in my chest.
“Shit, he was right,” he muttered. “Hacker’s okay, babe. He was beat up pretty bad, but he’s finally awake. Well, he was. They set him up with some pain meds, and now he’s out like a light again. Damn, that’s crazy that you guys are next door to each other. Small world. You sure you’re okay? You’re looking awful pale.” Concern etched his features.
“Yeah. I’m, uh, going to see Sebastian in NICU. This is Kylie, my nurse, she’s taking me down, but I can only be there for an hour today. Will you still be here?” God, I desperately wanted information on how Erik was doing, and I knew the nurses couldn’t tell me.
“We were actually taking off since Hacker is zonked, but I can come back. How about if I give you an hour and a half so you have time to make it back here and get settled before I come in to bother you?” He came closer and crouched in front of my wheelchair.
“Okay.” Eyes fighting tears, my voice shook a little, and it made me feel like a weakling. The back of my mind kept circling with the news that Erik was just next door to me. We had been breathing the same air, just feet from each other, for days and had no idea. Now that I knew, my skin tingled as if it had sent out a blast to locate him and the ripples of his energy had returned to caress the surface of my skin. Whispers of sensation. Feeling his frequency melding with mine. How I wished he wanted me the way I wanted him.
“Damn, Kassi, I fucking hate hospitals and I’ve been here every day since Hacker was admitted. But I’ll come back… just for you. And that stubborn asshole next door.” His smirk made me smile as much as his words. He had been so kind to me when I worked at the Shamrock and on that awful, fateful, gut-wrenching day at the clubhouse. It didn’t hurt that he sure was pretty to look at. Maybe not as beautiful as Erik, but I was hella biased.
His index finger reached out and gently tapped the end of my nose as he stood. “Be back later, kid.” He sauntered out the door and returned to Hollywood and Reaper. They all glanced quickly in my room, Reaper giving a head nod and Hollywood sending me that beautiful smile of his. Joker tossed me a wave, and they headed toward the exit.
What had I said before? Six degrees of separation? Damn, it was a small world.
“You ready, Ms. Donahue? That precious baby boy is waiting on his momma.” Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I absently nodded. Visions of my baby in my arms and against my chest were making my hands jittery in anticipation.
You never realized how uneven the floors are in a hospital until you were riding down the halls in a wheelchair. As we bumped along out my door and took a left, it was impossible not to let my eyes travel in the room next to me. A shaky, rapid inhalation was all I could manage as I saw his magnificent form covered in hospital linens, tubes, and wires. He was bandaged all up his arms, and I was afraid to see the damage he suffered. Normally a large, imposing man, he appeared so broken and fragile in that bed. Before I could take another breath, we had passed his room and were moving down the hall.
The next thing I knew, we were scrubbing for our full three minutes and Kylie pushed me in through the locked doors after the NICU nurses buzzed us in. My mind must have really spaced out on the way to the NICU. Amanda, the nurse caring for Sebastian today, took over as Kylie waved to me. “I’ll be back in an hour. If you need anything, have Amanda call me, okay?” My vision was filled with my tiny boy, but I nodded to Kylie.
“Yeah, okay, sure.”
My fingers itched to reach for him, but I knew the nurses had to settle him with me. They didn’t want me getting out of the chair or stretching, because they were still concerned I may start bleeding again. I had to fight to be able to come down to see him since I was still in ICU, as it was. Also, since he was a patient in the NICU, his nurses were responsible for him, so this first time, I had to wait for Amanda to get him. It sucked. Sitting in a wheelchair wasn’t the most comfortable seat in the world, even with the folded-up blanket under my ass with a chux pad over it, just in case.
It was so difficult to remain passive and patient. My eyes devoured every movement Amanda made as she prepared my itty-bitty boy for my arms. “He’s done really well this morning. He kept down every bit of milk you pumped.” With an encouraging smile, she instructed me to slip my gown down, and then she settled his small bod
y against my chest before she covered him with a soft flannel blanket.
If I had to pick the single most amazing moment of my life, graduating nursing school, holding my baby brother for the first time, my first kiss, even the first time I was with Erik, all paled compared to that moment when his warm, silky soft skin snuggled up against mine. His soft grunts and mewls as he acclimated to my shape were heavenly music to my ears. His wiggling movements were strange but so very sweet now that they were on the outside of me, compared to when he was rolling around inside. God, his scent… straight from angel’s wings.
The love that engulfed me was so overwhelming, tears sprung to my eyes. For a millisecond, I could have sworn I smelled my mother’s perfume, and the warmth that surrounded me left me breathless. “Isn’t he beautiful, Mom?” I whispered to the air around me. Maybe I imagined feeling my mother’s kiss on my cheek, or maybe she really found a way, but in that moment, I knew she had been with me. That she was proud of me and would always be there to watch over my little man when I needed her to.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I just breathed in the love that was my son. “Daddy wouldn’t be able to resist you if he could see you. I just know it.” My whispered words floated across his downy tuft of hair, and his lips curled into a little smile. The resemblance to his daddy was shocking, as a tiny dimple flashed on his cheek. He was purely irresistible, and my finger touched the tiny dimple before it trailed up along the curve of his cheek, then along his jaw.
“Here, he lost his hat when I moved him.” The little baby-beanie Amanda slipped on him seemed to dwarf his head. “To help him hold in body heat while he’s outside of the warmer. Even though he’s against your body heat, we want to give him every leg up we can.” Her soft-spoken words, along with the gentle care she showed him, told me she loved her job and allowed no room for my worry over the care he received on her shift.
She stayed with me for a few more minutes, offering guidance and education just as she had yesterday when I could only see and touch him in his warmer. My mind absorbed her words like a sponge, my need to be the best mom I could to him, tucking away each tidbit.
Time sped by, and too soon, Kylie was walking through the doors to take me away. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his head and my finger brushed over his delicate fingers. In a move that made me gasp, his fingers curled around the tip of mine and held tight. “Aww, look at that, Mommy. He’s trying to keep you here longer. Don’t worry, little man, she’ll be back again later.” Both nurses laughed softly as they watched my smile grow. In just a few short days, this pint-sized, precious baby boy had captured my heart. How it was possible to be so absolutely and positively in love with this little bundle in such a short time was a miracle of nature, and words could not describe it.
Back to the ICU we went. God willing, I would be out of there soon. More than anything—okay, that’s not true—more than a lot of things, I wanted a damn shower. Sponge baths didn’t even come close to being the same as a real bath or shower. Being a patient had given me an all new respect for caring for patients.
As we rolled past Erik’s room, I saw he was still sleeping peacefully. Which was good. His body needed rest if it was to heal properly.
Of course, that didn’t stop me from wanting to ask Kylie to stop. But I didn’t.
Sighing internally, my thoughts returned to how yucky I felt. Yes, being here as a patient definitely made me want to be a better nurse. Not that my nurses weren’t great, because they were. It just made me realize that we could maybe prepare the patients and their families better.
Speaking of families, as Kylie helped me back to bed after using the bathroom, I saw my cell phone lighting up. There was text message after text message from my little brother. He was home alone while I was here. Granted, Hunter stopped by and took him out for dinner the first night and checked on him. And yes, he was just shy of turning eighteen, but he was still my baby brother.
Matt: Hey sis! Just wanted to tell u I miss u and luv u! Give my new nephew luv
Matt: Thinking of coming to see you 2morrow after I get off work
Matt: Work breakfast shift 2morrow
Matt: Let me know if that’s ok. Miss you and want to see the small fry
My mouth curled into an affectionate smile as I typed out a reply.
Me: Luv you too! If you don’t think the drive is too much for you I’d luv to see you! And your nephew would too
Matt: Perfect. C u 2morrow! Luv u
Me: Luv u 2 the moon n back!
Matt: Same <3
“Well, that is a beautiful smile if I’ve ever seen one. You light up a room, Kass.” My eyes lifted to the deep voice rumbling from my doorway. Joker leaned against the frame with one of his hands tucked in the pocket of his cut.
He had always been kind to me. I was pretty sure it had something to do with his intuitive nature and knowing I was crazy about Hacker. Part of me was sure he felt sorry for me for being a fool for having feelings for someone who would never return them. Either way, he had been good to his word and returned to see me. “Come in!” Because I was so far from home, not many people had come to see me. The only visitors I had were Nancy, God love her, and of course Hunter on the days he was off. He had wanted to stay here with me, but I insisted he go back to work. I would have felt like shit if he ended up with financial difficulties because of me. He was disgruntled, to say the least, that I told him I wanted him to go back to work.
Waving Joker to sit in the reclining chair in my room, I sat up further in my bed. “Thank you for coming back.” That was when I noticed he had his other hand behind his back. He pulled it around front as he stood in the doorway of the room. The full bouquet of blue flowers in a little blue bootie vase was adorable.
“They said you can’t have it in here, but I could show it to you and it has to stay at the nurses’ station. Sorry. I didn’t know.” He looked so contrite my heart went out to him, and I couldn’t help but smile at him again.
“It’s the thought that counts. Thank you so much!” He walked back out to the nurses’ station to set it on the counter but plucked the card from the little plastic pitchfork they used in flower bouquets.
He handed the card to me and sat down in the chair next to me. As he got comfortable, I read the little blue card.
Congratulations on your new baby boy.
All our best,
The Demented Sons MC
Tears gathered in my eyes. I had been afraid they all hated me for quitting so suddenly. Not to mention, the mess between me and Erik.
“Aww, thank you. That was so nice of everyone to do that, but since I know you’re not all here, thank you for thinking of it.” Brushing away my tears, I propped it on the table that extended over my bed.
“It was actually Snow who told me to get it for you from all of us. But if it gets me brownie points, I’ll take credit.” His mischievous grin was endearing. My mind ran through people I could set him up with, not that he would probably appreciate that. Just the thought of it made me giggle.
“Now what’s so funny?”
Getting my laughter under control, I told him, “Nothing, I was just thinking of who I could set your pretty self up with.” His expression transformed to one of comical horror.
“Good God in heaven, don’t you fucking dare!” Seeing a big tough guy like him recoil in mock terror at being set up on a blind date was hilarious, and I couldn’t contain the laughter that bubbled forth from his actions.
“Ohhh, sure. Laugh it up. Chuckle. Chuckle. How about I set you up instead?” Not that he meant to, but his joking words sobered me in a heartbeat. My quick inhalation had his jovial expression morphing to a serious one. “Hey, babe. I was just teasing you. I know you have an old man already. Can’t say I like it or agree with it, but I get where you’re coming from. Hacker is a dumb fucker.”
The blood rushed to my face at the mention of his name. Joker cleared his throat. “Um, so y’all’s baby was early? Everything okay with him? How’s
Daddy handling it?” His words confused me, and I drew my head back in question. What the hell was he talking about?
“Uh, maybe you should ask him when he comes out of his pain-med-induced coma.” God help me, I tried not to have my words sound petty and nasty, but it was hard. Lord, was it hard. Pretty sure I wasn’t successful either.
“The fuck? What in the hell are you talking about?” The honest surprise on his face was strange. This was getting weirder and weirder.
“Erik didn’t—” He interrupted me before I could get the rest of my sentence out.
“Babe, please tell me that you aren’t saying that baby you just had is Hacker’s.” His eyes were wide and full of shock. Well, shit. Maybe he didn’t tell anyone after all. Great.
“Look, I don’t want anything from him. I swear. I’m sorry I said anything. Please forget I did. Okay? I’m not trying to make trouble. Honest.” The last thing I wanted was his club being pissed at me, thinking I was trying to get something from him or them. Or for them to go all moral on his ass and making him have something to do with the son he didn’t want.
“No. No. Kassi, if he was the father, there’s no way he wouldn’t have told me. Trust me on this.” He glanced at the doorway, and I imagined he was debating whether he could cut our visit off and get away from me and my “accusations,” as he must now see them.
“Yeah, well, he is. I guess not only didn’t he want me or Sebastian, he didn’t want you all to know. So… like I said, just forget I said anything. If you want to leave, I’ll understand.” My fingers rolled the cotton blanket, and my eyes couldn’t make contact with his any longer. Shit, why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut?
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