“Fuck. Kass. Please, believe me. I know him better than anyone, and if he’d known you were pregnant, there would’ve been no shutting him up. Nor would he have turned you away. I can’t believe that.” His loyalty to his brother was admirable, but I was beyond caring about hurting his or anyone else’s feelings.
“Well, believe it. And if you don’t believe me, ask his blonde bimbo girlfriend. She’s the one who talked to him about it for me.” I knew my voice had turned bitter, but I was bitter. Bitter through and through.
“Wait. What? Girlfriend? Hacker has never had a girlfriend in the entire time that I’ve known him.” Perplexity swam in his eyes.
“Girlfriend. Bed warmer. Cum dumpster. Same thing.” Sarcasm didn’t suit me, and I hated that spiteful anger was beginning to simmer in my gut. Just the thought of him with her pissed me off. Yeah, call me a hypocrite because I had tried to move on with Hunter, but to know I had been tossed away so he could stick his dick in that nasty shit chapped my ass.
“So, wait. You’re telling me that the little baby boy in NICU is Hacker’s? And you spoke with a blonde woman about it? Where? Where did you talk to her?” The seriousness of his face and voice had my attention. I felt bad that I was taking this out on him. I also felt bad that I may have made trouble for Erik with his club, which was dumb, considering I shouldn’t have any feelings for him after everything he had done and said.
“At the clubhouse. How could you forget? I went there looking for him this past January? You’re the one who told me to go in. Don’t you remember? Well, I did go in and he was all over her. So, I left. Then he sent his floozy out to see what I wanted. He couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me.” I knew I had to be looking at him like he was a brain-dead dumbass, but he was truly whacked if he didn’t remember.
He was slowly shaking his head and blinking his eyes. “Kassi… look… that had to have been Gretchen. He has never messed with her like that. I know it was a dick move on his part to grab her when you went there that day, but I can assure you, he can’t stand her. I think he only did that to chase you away because he doesn’t feel he deserves you. He has a fucked-up sense of what he deserves. Top that with the guilt that he carries, he just punishes himself. Non-fucking-stop. But a baby… trust me, honey, that is a whole other story.”
“What kind of nonsense are you talking about? Guilt from what? And why would a baby make things different? I’m telling you, he didn’t want the baby. He even had her come out and tell me I should ‘take care of it,’ like my baby was trash to be taken to the curb. Well, fuck him.”
Joker threaded his fingers through his hair as he dropped his head. He began muttering, but all I caught was “¡Ay, Dios mio!” When he quit all his babbling I couldn’t understand, he looked at me, his eyes a dark storm-gray. “Sweetheart, I promise you, I will find that bitch and deal with her. If I have to, I’ll set the old ladies on her. She is a lying bitch, and she’s had a grudge against Hacker for a long time now because he refuses to touch her, and she wants him. She’s a spiteful woman who will no longer be welcome in the clubhouse. She’s gone too far now. Enough about her, tell me about what happened now that you’re here.”
Giving him the brief synopsis of what had happened, I watched his face run a gamut of emotions.
Standing, he leaned over and kissed my forehead as he tilted my head up at the chin. “We will straighten this out, nena. Okay? Don’t worry. Get better. Take care of Hacker’s… whoa… his son. I’ll be back later.” He then muttered, “!Chingados!” With a brief, sad smile, he left me wondering what rabbit hole I had fallen down.
And Joker spoke Spanish? Huh?
“Back From The Dead”—Skillet
DAMN, I’D BEEN SLEEPING so good I didn’t want to wake up yet. On the edge of my mind, I knew if I woke, things were going to be bad, but in my half-sleep state I couldn’t fathom why. And I had just slipped out of my dream when Kassi was on the precipice of a cosmic “O,” so my mind and body wanted that dream back. Bad. Unfortunately, sleep seemed to be receding quicker than I could hold onto it, and that dream was my gold at the end of the rainbow, getting farther and farther away, no matter how quickly I tried to move toward it.
Was it worse or better that my dreams lately had all been about Kassi? She wasn’t just in them. No, she starred in them, and they encompassed every wish and fantasy I had ever had of her. Like so damn real, I needed to check under the covers when I woke to make sure I didn’t fucking make a mess in my damn bed.
That was exactly what I was doing when I heard the low chuckle and laughing words. “Man, I’m pretty sure it’s still there, but I can call your nurse in to check for you, if you’re worried.” My eyes groggily focus on Joker sitting in the recliner of my room.
“Fuck you. Especially if it’s that loudmouth one again.” He laughed, then stood and walked over to close the door. When he dropped back into the chair, he sat with his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. “Everything okay, bro?”
When he looked up at me, his eyes were full of sadness and hesitation. “Shit, brother, I don’t even know where to begin.” His eyes scanned over to the wall behind him. Taking a deep breath, he looked me in the eye and said, “Kassi’s in the room next door to you.”
At his words, I react without thinking and tried to sit up and jump out of bed. Let me tell you, that was a big mistake. Pain shot through my aching body and stole my breath. Quicker than I was, he jumped up to the side of my bed. “¡Este güey me va a dar un cardiaco! Fuck, man. Calm down. You forget you were in a hospital for tumbling down the road? After you got shot.” Joker’s words sounded slightly muffled through my pain.
The agony that washed through my body like a tsunami started to subside. When I could breathe again, I demanded answers. “The fuck are you talking about? Is she okay? Wait, what happened? I need to go see her.” And just like that, she took over my world once again. Every little bit of her I had tried to forget slipped its way into my head, taking up space I swore would never be occupied again.
“Hacker, stop. She’s okay. Well, all things considered. ¡Que Mierda!” His hand covered his mouth as he dropped to the chair again. “This is a fucked-up mess, bro.”
This was a man I had known for a lot of years. He had joined the Marines from San Antonio, Texas and had tried to leave his past behind him. What I had noticed over the years was, when he was emotional or angry, bits of Spanish slipped out. Remnants of a chaotic childhood with his tiny Hispanic grandma being the only normal, sane, constant part of it. So now I knew whatever was bothering him was big. And it obviously had to do with Kassi.
Not making me feel any better….
“Kayde.” Because he had been my friend for a long damn time, I reserved his given name for moments when it was just us. “Come on, man, tell me. What the hell has you so worked up?” Christ, she better not have married that asshole. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t an asshole. He was probably a stand-up guy, but if he had her and I didn’t, he was an asshole. Joker’s eyes met mine once again before he let out a lungful of air and groaned.
“¡Jesús! This is hard. Okay. Here it is. Kassi’s next door because you were right, she was pregnant, but not now… She had her baby early.” My mind was rapidly doing the math. If she hooked up with this guy after she had come to see me at the clubhouse, then got pregnant, the baby was so early, it’s survival rate was pretty damn low. My poor Kassi. Shit.
“Hacker, there’s more. That baby… well… uh, so, he wasn’t as early as you might think.” Huh? “He was born at thirty-two weeks, roughly.” He raised his eyebrows at me as he could see me doing the math again. Even though I knew without calculating. I knew. Knew with every molecule in my body.
Holy shit.
My breathing turned shallow. My mind froze, and I stared at the ceiling. Praying. Praying for what, I didn’t know. Divine intervention to sweep in and straighten this clusterfuck out? Maybe.
“That’s impossible. No way. We used protection every time…. She even
had an IUD in place. We were safe. It doesn’t make sense! There’s no way that kid is mine.” My hand palmed my face, thumb and forefinger pressing into my eyelids before the pain at the movement registered. Stretching healing skin frigging hurt.
Flexing the fingers of my right hand, I preoccupied my mind with trying to get my left hand to do the same. The fingers barely wiggled. Dammit! Finally, knowing I couldn’t avoid it any longer, I met Joker’s eyes. The delayed response to his words could only be blamed on the damn pain meds. Or my concussion. Or all the shit on my mind vying for first place in my processing department. My file guy in my head was obviously on hiatus. “Wait. You said ‘he’? I have a son? Are you fucking serious? God in heaven. Where is he? NICU? How is he? Did she say? Take me to see Kassi. I want to see her, talk to her. I don’t care what you have to do, bro. I want to see her. Then I want to see my son.” Fuck. I have a son. This has got to be some crazy drug-induced dream. Kassi kept my baby from me? She has some explaining to do. Never in a million years would I have thought she could be that big of a bitch.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa… hold on there, cowboy. First, there are some things you need to know. And let me warn you, you aren’t going to like them.”
“I already don’t.”
By the time he finished filling me in, I was ready to climb up out of bed, fucked-up body and all, and track Gretchen’s dumb ass down and throat punch her. I’m talking bury her ass six feet under. My momma didn’t raise me to disrespect or lay hands on ladies, but she was definitely no lady. Every time I thought about how Kassi could have aborted our baby because Gretchen told her I said she should, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to scream, throw up, or kill someone. God in heaven, what if she would’ve done that? It would’ve been my worst nightmare on repeat.
“Fucking hell, bro. What the every-loving fuck? That fucking, heartless bitch Gretchen… How could anyone think that is okay? Jesus. What Kassi must have gone through. And me an unknowing accomplice to it all with the way I acted that day. Shit, she must hate me.” The feelings that were eating me up inside were running out of room, and it was like I was drowning. Suffocating in emotion. In trying to protect my own heart, I had destroyed hers. Once again, I was reminded of what an asshole I was.
“I think you hurt her, Erik. Deeply. She’s moved on, and it sounds like he’s a really good guy. The feeling I got was she still worries about you, especially with you being the father of her kid. If you asked me, there is definitely room for y’all to talk about shit and at least be an active participant in your son’s life. You know? But for sure y’all will need to talk.” It was another dig to my soul that he said I could be an active participant in my son’s life. And active participant. Really?
No. I wanted to be his father.
Pounding crept up from the back of my skull and wrapped around my head, tightening like a vice. Closing my eyes to block out the light didn’t help one fucking bit. It finally registered that my entire body was feeling that throbbing, aching torture. My hand blindly felt around for that fucking little red button that delivered my pain meds. It was set gently in my fumbling fingers. Cracking my eyes open, I saw Joker standing by my bed, holding the side rail. “I’m here for you, mi carnal.” He put his hand on my shoulder.
The pain was just beginning to feel like it had been turned down a notch when I heard a voice that made me smile. “Hey, baby boy. The nurse told us you woke up. Now I feel bad that I made your father take me to get something to eat. We missed being here.” My mom walked briskly to the side of my bed opposite Joker. When her kiss touched my temple, it felt like I was eight years old again and had just scraped my knee.
“Hey, Mom. Dad.” My dad, normally gruff and tough, leaned over and gently hugged my head to his.
“Hey, Mrs. Sheila. Mr. Gordie.” Only my mom called my dad Gordon. It was her thing for all of us, I guess. No nicknames for her. Joker had been to my parents’ house with me when he came to visit after I got out and he was on leave. He had also been over to enough suppers with me since he moved to Grantsville, so he knew them both pretty well, and my mom took him in like another son.
“Hello, Kayde. Thank you again for staying here with him. He’s been so lucky to have you as a friend.” My mom had no idea the bond we shared went way beyond friendship.
“God, son, you know how to scare the shit out of us. We’ve been here every day because your mother said if we weren’t here, that… well, never mind. Your brothers and sister send their love. They were all here the first day, but we told them there was no need for them to stay when you were pretty stable and we were just playing the waiting game for your head.” That’s when my mom burst into the conversation again.
“Jesus, Erikson. I wish you boys would quit riding those damn motorcycles. My heart can’t take crap like this very often.” Joker had the nerve to look chastised. The little shit. He was such a kiss ass when it came to my mom. Not that she would, but I think if she told him to sell his bike, he might do it to keep her from being mad at him.
At my snort of disbelief at my chickenshit friend, my mom’s focus returned to me. “The least you could do is wear your damn helmet, Erikson. A mother can only take so many scares, and when it comes to possibly losing one of her children, that’s grounds for a nervous breakdown.” My mom’s lecture lost much of its bluster when she started sniffling and she raised my good hand—uh, better hand—to her face. Her hurt made me hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause pain to the woman who gave birth to me. My mom was what I measured all women by. She was that important to me, and I loved her that much.
“Mom, I swear, I never intended to scare you or make you worry. We weren’t even being reckless at all. We were just enjoying a relaxing Sunday evening ride. It was a freak accident.” My hand cupped her cheek, and she placed her hands over mine. “Don’t cry, Mom.” My words fell on deaf ears as tears coursed down her cheeks.
“If you all don’t mind, I’m probably gonna crash for a bit. These pain meds help, but damn, they kick my ass.” They didn’t seem to hit me as hard this time, but they were weighing down my eyelids with a quickness. “Joker, we’ll finish talking later. Be here.” No, he wasn’t a prospect anymore, and it wasn’t my place to order him around, but he understood what I was saying.
“I gotcha, bro. See you later.” My mind barely registered murmured voices of Joker speaking with my parents. Fuck I was tired. So tired, but Kassi was still next door. I almost forgot I wanted to go see her. But how was I gonna do that? Shit.
“Oh, heyyy… you’re grannn baby isss here, and Ima get that girl to be mine, Momma. Goddamn I itch… fuggin morphine.” My words fought to come out sounding normal, but I was pretty sure they slurred, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I had even actually spoken them. Fucking pain meds. Sleep pulled me in and lured me like a siren toward dreams filled with the beautiful girl next door to me.
“Into The Ocean”—Blue October
BEFORE SHE LEFT FOR lunch, Kylie told me they were moving me tomorrow. Visiting hours weren’t over for hours yet, but already people were leaving. Joker entered my room after a couple passed by, the woman crying as the man held his arm around her and whispered in her ear.
“Hey, beautiful. You mind if I talk to you for a minute?” He stood at the foot of my bed with his hands in his pockets. The usually smiling, laughing, gorgeous man was somber. It sent frissons of fear down my spine. God, please don’t let… I couldn’t even think the words.
“Erik?”
“No, he’s actually doing really well. Well, physically. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Okay. Um, you wanna sit?” My heart was pounding in trepidation of what he was about to say. Had he told Erik? Even though he had already turned his back on us once, I was so hopeful, now that Sebastian was here, he would rethink at least being in his son’s life. So, while it was killing me slowly that he didn’t want me, I would accept my heart wilting day by day if it meant Sebastian would have his father.
&
nbsp; He dropped into the chair by my bed, much as he had earlier. This time he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Joker, are you okay? You don’t seem yourself, at all.”
“There’s been a lot on my mind, chica. Too much. First Hacker, now you and your little one. And some other stuff I have going on. It’s just… yeah, it’s a lot, but don’t worry, I’ll be all right.” He scrubbed his hands on his face before ruffling his hair. “Look, you and Hacker need to talk. He wants to see his son. The problem is, he’s angry at himself. He thinks you’ll keep him from his son because he wasn’t there to help you during your pregnancy, even though you now know Gretchen’s bitch-ass was involved. He’s beating himself up pretty bad, and on top of the shit he already carries with him… well, let’s just say it’s weighing on him pretty heavy.”
Breath left me in a rush. “You told him…?” Then my heart raced as the realization that he told Erik and he wanted his son sank in. After that, the rest of what he said followed. “Wait… what do you mean, the shit he already carries with him? What happened to him?”
“It’s not my story to tell. But I think you need to get him to tell you. Find a way to make him tell you. Just know that he carries a lot of blame and guilt that he shouldn’t and doesn’t need to, but hell if I’ve ever been able to convince him of that. When you both get out if here, you need to sit down and talk. Work out a schedule for your son that works for you both. Don’t let the past rule that little guy’s future. And in case you’re worried, I’ll talk to him and make sure he won’t do or say anything to fuck shit up with you and your old man. Now, I’m not trying to be a prick, but I can tell you he won’t take kindly to his son calling someone else ‘dad,’ that’s for damn sure. Just a heads up, chica.”
“Hunter would never want to take Erik’s place in Sebastian’s life. He’s a really good man, Joker. He’s been there for me through all of this, and now he’s been here for Sebastian, but I don’t think he’d ever expect to replace Erik. He’s not like that.” Part of me felt like I was selling Hunter to Joker with my vehement words—and a little to myself. Not that I didn’t truly believe he was one damn fine man, because I sure as hell did. I actually hated myself for not being all-in with him. Nothing seemed to be able to stop me from feeling like Hunter was getting the short end of the stick with me. That he was only getting half of me, and it was the half of me without a heart.
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