Coming Home to Seashell Cottage

by Jessica Redland

  I sighed. ‘Goodbye, Da.’

  Aisling met me at the bottom of the stairs. ‘How was it?’ she asked.

  ‘Reassuring.’

  She nodded. ‘You’ll be heading off now, won’t you?’ Her eyes showed sadness but I knew she understood why I couldn’t stay.

  ‘I’ve done what I came to do. Me being here’s awkward for everyone. Is there any chance you could run Father Doherty home? I know it’s a big favour but—’

  ‘It’s fine. I’ll see him home safe.’

  ‘Can you remind him to look for Daran’s ma’s address?’

  She nodded. ‘I’m assuming you won’t be back tomorrow but you will come on Saturday? To the funeral?’

  ‘I might slip in at the back and shoot away before the end, but I’ll come. I promise. I bought a new dress so I might as well wear it. It’s bright red, shows my cleavage and only just skims my arse. Appropriate, don’t you think?’

  Aisling giggled as she hugged me. ‘A tonic, so you are. An absolute tonic.’ She opened the door.

  ‘Bollocks!’ I said. ‘I’m such an eejit.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I won’t be getting too far if I don’t have my handbag with me, will I?’

  I reached for the door to the living room.

  ‘Don’t go—’

  But her warning came too late. I opened the door and came face to face with my mother.

  40

  ‘You!’ she spat. Clumps of wiry, grey hair had escaped from her chignon and streaks of mascara down her face gave her the appearance of a coal miner. A very angry coal miner. ‘I thought I made it clear that you’re not welcome here.’ She staggered then lifted the glass tumbler to her mouth. She frowned and staggered a bit more when she realised it was empty, then dropped the glass on the carpet, where it rolled under a chair.

  ‘I didn’t come to cause a scene,’ I said, my cheeks burning as I took in the curious faces around the room. They’d all stopped talking, eating and drinking, and were watching. Intently.

  ‘Cause a scene? Cause a scene?’ She laughed – a hollow, chilling sound. ‘You’ve caused a scene your whole life, Clare. From the day you were born, you caused a scene.’

  I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant by this, but a few nods and murmurs of ‘You tell her, Maeve’ from around the room suggested that others knew exactly what she meant.

  ‘I’m going. I just need to get my bag from the kitchen.’ I tried to sidestep her but she blocked me.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going, missy? This is my house. My house! And I don’t want you in it.’

  ‘I know that. But I can’t leave without my bag.’

  ‘I never wanted you, you know.’ I felt my stomach clench at her words and heard an audible gasp go around the room. ‘I thought two girls and two boys were enough,’ she continued, ‘but your da insisted on having you. The moment you were born with your blonde hair and big eyes, I knew you were trouble, and that’s all you’ve been. You’ve brought shame on this family.’ She lifted her hand towards her mouth, then must have registered she no longer had a glass in it. ‘Nia! Bring me a drink. Now.’

  ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Ma?’ whispered Aisling.

  ‘Siding with her, are you? I might have known she’d turn you against me.’

  ‘Ma! You’re being ridiculous. Clare hasn’t turned me against anyone.’

  ‘Nia! Drink!’

  Nia scuttled into the living room, shot a terrified look at me, handed Ma a tumbler of brandy, then darted back towards the kitchen.

  Ma took a couple of gulps, then exhaled. She was so close by this point that I could smell the fumes on her breath. I took a step backwards.

  ‘You still here?’ she demanded.

  ‘I need my bag. As soon as I have it, I’ll go. If you’ll just let me past.’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Aisling said, but Ma blocked her way too.

  ‘You see! You’re siding with her. I knew it. She always gets what she wants. Just look at her. She’s like a blonde Mary Magdalene. Bats her eyelashes and all men keel over and give her whatever she wants.’

  ‘Ma!’ Aisling cried. ‘Stop it!’

  Ma pointed at me, sloshing liquor over her hand. ‘You were always his favourite, but I knew you were trouble. I warned him, but he never saw it until it was too late. When you left, you took a piece of him with you. He was never the same. You did that to him.’

  ‘He threw me out. I had no choice.’

  ‘You had lots of choices, but you chose whoring.’ Another gasp went around the room. I flinched, but I’d heard it all before. Well, apart from being Da’s favourite. I’d never have guessed from the way he treated me, even before Daran. And her not wanting me was new information too, although not surprising in the least. She’d never shown much tenderness towards any of us, but least of all towards me.

  ‘Enough, Ma.’ Keenan appeared by her side with Éamonn just behind him. They must have arrived while I was upstairs and been out in the garden.

  She twisted around, slopping more brandy. ‘Ah! Keenan. The other embarrassment. Soon to be divorced. Just like that one.’ She twisted back around and pointed at Aisling.

  ‘Don’t be starting on Keenan and Aisling,’ Éamonn said, stepping forward and taking the glass from her hand. ‘Da’s laid out upstairs and this really isn’t the time or the place, is it now?’

  ‘But he loved her more than me,’ she cried.

  I flinched again. Really? But I couldn’t remember Da ever showing Ma any affection. Perhaps they’d stayed together to avoid the ‘shame’ of divorce but actually hated each other.

  ‘Nia,’ shouted Éamonn. ‘Can you get Clare’s bag for her, please?’

  Nia appeared from the kitchen a few moments later and handed me my bag. ‘Thanks, Nia,’ I said. ‘It was nice to see you today.’

  ‘And you,’ she whispered.

  ‘Don’t say that,’ shouted Ma. ‘Don’t be making friends with her. She’s an embarrassment to us all and I want her out of my house. NOW! Why’s nobody listening to me? Why are you all on her side?’

  ‘I’m going.’ I turned towards the door.

  ‘You’re not welcome tomorrow or at the funeral,’ Ma screeched. ‘Don’t you dare show your face. I’ll call the Guards if you do. I’ll have you removed. You ruined our lives, you little slut. I’ll never forgive you for—’

  I slammed the door on her shrieks and ran down the driveway as fast as my stupid heels would let me. I stumbled down the lane that ran alongside the house, where I’d parked the car, then leaned against the driver-side door, gulping in fresh air, waiting for the churning in my stomach to subside before I got in the car and left Ballykielty. For good. Forever.

  Gradually, my heartbeat slowed and my breathing regulated itself. For a moment there, I’d thought I might pass out. I unlocked the door and grabbed a bottle of water from the door compartment. I took a few greedy gulps, keeping an eye towards the end of the laneway, in case Ma decided she was ready to unleash another torrent of verbal abuse and I needed to dive into the car for safety. She’d said some nasty things in the past, but the venom with which she’d let go just now had been something else. Why did she hate me so much? I didn’t buy that bullshit about Da loving me more, because he’d never behaved as though he did. I remembered my childhood and teenage years as being filled with lectures, punishments and expressions of disappointment.

  I was about to get into the car when a figure appeared at the end of the laneway. Shit! I should have got away from the house and caught my breath outside the village borders. I squinted in the low sun. The figure was waving something. I shielded my eyes with my hand.

  Was that Nia? And was that…? I put my hand up to my neck. Of course! I’d removed my scarf in the kitchen because it kept dipping into the washing-up bowl. I closed the car door and headed down the laneway towards her. She took a few steps closer to me too, then she stopped abruptly and looked to her right as a gruff voice shouted, ‘Nia! What the feck
are you doing? Get back in the kitchen, where you belong. Christ, woman, what the hell was I thinking when I married you?’

  The sun in my eyes meant I couldn’t see his face, but I could make out the silhouette of a large bulk of a man staggering towards my sister. So that was the gobshite of a husband, was it? Poor Nia.

  ‘Sorry, Jim. It’s just that… well, I… It was Clare. She left her scarf behind. I just wanted… She was leaving and…’

  He grabbed at her arm and she yelped like a puppy. ‘I’ll give her that.’ He snatched my scarf out of Nia’s hand. ‘After all, Clare loves it when I give her things, don’t you, Clare?’

  I took another step closer, ready to do battle with Nia’s arsehole of a husband, but the sun dipped behind a cloud at that moment and I gasped. Jesus Christ!

  He released Nia and shoved her roughly in the direction of the house. Running one scabby hand through his greasy ginger hair, he raised my scarf up to his nose and sniffed.

  ‘You still wear the same perfume. I always did like that smell.’

  I stared at him, then at Nia hovering awkwardly nearby. ‘This is my husband, Jim,’ she said. ‘I think you knew him as Jamie.’

  ‘Jamie Doyle,’ I whispered, still staring at Nia. ‘Cullen. You said your name’s Cullen.’

  Jamie laughed and I shuddered at the chilling sound. I knew that laugh. It reminded me of… What was it? I closed my eyes tightly, trying to think.

  ‘The Guards took my da away again,’ Jamie said, his voice dripping with bitterness.

  I opened my eyes to see him lifting a bottle of whiskey to his mouth and taking a swig.

  ‘Ma changed our names to wipe us clean of him, stupid cow. Couldn’t change my blood, though. Bad blood runs through my veins, doesn’t it, Clare?’

  He lifted my scarf up to his nose again and inhaled deeply, closing his eyes momentarily. ‘Brings back memories, so it does. Good memories.’

  Memories? My breathing quickened. The shadows. The shapes. It was…

  ‘Jim? What are you doing?’ I heard fear in Nia’s voice, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Jamie’s face. There was something so familiar…

  ‘None of your business. Get inside, Nia.’

  ‘But, Jim…’

  ‘Now! Unless you want my fist to connect with your face again, you useless bitch.’

  I wanted to yell at him to leave my sister alone but I couldn’t seem to form any words. I couldn’t move either. What was happening to me?

  Gravel crunched as Nia turned and ran. Jamie took another glug of whiskey, then let the empty bottle drop to the ground with a smash. He slowly wound my scarf around his left hand, then twisted it around his right, before pulling his hands apart so that the material was stretched between them. He laughed that sinister laugh again. ‘This would make a good gag, wouldn’t it, Clare? Not that we really needed the one we used before. Who was going to hear screams from a deserted farmhouse in the middle of a meadow?’

  Oh my God! Sweet Jesus. The shadows. The shapes. The fear. It had been him. It had been Jamie Doyle.

  41

  Seventeen and a Half Years Earlier

  Daran pulled on his boxer shorts and jeans after we’d made love for a third time on my sixteenth birthday. The second time had been slow and tender, and the third more frantic and daring as we started to understand each other’s bodies. ‘I really don’t want to leave you, but I have to get back to Mrs Murphy and see whether old Carrig is still with us. I promised her.’

  ‘I wish you could stay here all night with me, but I understand. They need you.’ I reluctantly picked up Aisling’s bra and fastened it then pulled on my dress.

  Seeing Daran glancing at his watch, I smiled. ‘Go. I’ll find the rest of my clothes and tidy up in here.’

  ‘I can wait for you.’

  ‘No, you can’t. You’re already late for a dying man. I won’t be the one who stops you doing God’s work. See you here tomorrow night?’

  Daran held me tightly. ‘I can’t. Remember, I’m going away in the morning.’

  I pouted. ‘I was trying to forget about that. I don’t know if I can last ten days without you.’ Daran was going on a school trip to Jerusalem, returning via Vatican City.

  ‘I wish I didn’t have to go, especially after what we’ve just done. I’ll be thinking of nothing else for the full ten days.’

  ‘Me too. I’ll miss you so much.’

  He kissed me tenderly. ‘I’ll be counting down the hours. Happy birthday, fiancée. Don’t forget that I’ll love you till the end of forever.’

  ‘And I’ll love you for longer than that.’

  ‘Don’t stay long. It’s a quarter to eight now, so you only have about half an hour till sunset.’

  ‘I’ll be grand. Ten minutes should sort things out.’ I blew him kisses as he headed for the doorway, then disappeared into the meadow.

  Five minutes later, I’d cleared away the drinks and was rummaging through the straw trying to find my panties. ‘I always knew you were a dirty girl,’ a voice sneered.

  I leapt up. ‘Jamie Doyle! What the hell are you doing here?’

  ‘Watching you.’ He took a few steps closer, his dark eyes boring into my skin.

  ‘For how long?’

  ‘Long enough.’

  My stomach churned. ‘Long enough for what?’

  ‘To see you and the Father doing things a priest shouldn’t even be thinking about, let alone doing.’

  I shuddered at the thought of him being a voyeur. ‘He’s not a priest and it was private. You shouldn’t have been watching.’

  ‘And you shouldn’t have been doing it.’ He took another couple of steps closer. ‘At least I know why you kept turning me down. You were already getting your needs serviced elsewhere.’

  I backed away a couple of paces, my heart racing. ‘I turned you down because I’m not interested in you in that way.’

  ‘Why not?’ He took another step closer. Too close. I could smell alcohol on his breath again and see that gross foam at the corners of his mouth.

  I shrugged. ‘I’m just not. I’m sorry, Jamie, but we can’t control who we fall for. I need to be getting home now, so I’ll say goodnight if you’ll just let me pass.’

  ‘You’re not going anywhere.’

  ‘Come on, now. You don’t mean that.’

  He took another step closer and reached out. ‘Such beautiful hair.’ He ran his fingers down a blonde tress and I froze. ‘Don’t ever get it cut. Because, if you did, I wouldn’t be able to do this.’ He grabbed most of my hair and yanked it, pulling me down onto my knees in front of him.

  I squealed as my left knee scraped against a stone and pain shot through my ankle. ‘You’re hurting me, Jamie.’

  ‘Considering what I saw during your last go with the Father, you quite like it rough. It’s my turn now.’

  ‘No, Jamie, don’t,’ I whimpered.

  But he unzipped his fly and released himself. ‘Suck,’ he ordered, thrusting my head towards his crotch. I gagged at the unwashed aroma and tried to clamber to my feet, but he had one hand entwined in my hair and the other on the back of my head, holding me down and pulling me towards him. I couldn’t move.

  ‘You take my dick in your mouth and suck it or I’ll tell everyone in the village about your dirty little secret. You’ll be ruined and your beloved Daran McInnery will be shipped abroad where you’ll never see him again.’

  ‘You wouldn’t do that.’ I knew he would. Even if I did as he demanded.

  ‘Are you prepared to take the risk?’

  Finding some courage from God alone knows where, I pushed at his legs, but he held his ground and laughed. I slapped at them, but he laughed harder – a cold, sinister sound.

  ‘I’ll tell you something really funny, will I, Jamie? You put that thing in my mouth and I swear to God I’ll bite it off.’

  He looked down in horror. ‘You wouldn’t.’

  ‘Are you prepared to take the risk?’

  ‘You whore.
’ He released my hair and I tried to scramble to my feet, but the punch to my left eye sent me crashing to the floor. ‘You asked for that,’ he yelled.

  I tried to scramble to my feet again, but my left ankle wouldn’t hold and I fell to my knees again. Another punch knocked me onto my back. My dress flipped up and Jamie’s eyes widened. Before I had time to move, he’d pounced on top of me. Pinning my arms above my head, he laughed as I screamed. ‘You’re in the middle of nowhere, slut. There’s nobody to hear you. But just in case. Ah! What have we here? A pair of panties? Perfect as a gag.’ He stuffed them into my mouth. ‘We don’t want anyone disturbing us.’

  And he was right – nobody disturbed us, and nobody heard as I cried for help while I staggered across the meadow and fields in the darkness. Nobody heard as I limped through the village. Nobody heard as I crawled into bed at home shortly before midnight. Yet they all heard when I claimed I’d ‘tripped’ in the darkness. They heard that I was a ‘clumsy eejit’ while the nurse bandaged my twisted ankle and stitched my cheek back together. They heard that I wanted to get my beautiful, long locks cropped into a short bob because I ‘fancied a change, now I’m sixteen and all grown up’. Because that was all they wanted to hear – the simple explanations muttered with fearful, downcast eyes and a tone that begged them to say, ‘Are you sure?’ But nobody really heard. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted to. Rape wasn’t something that happened in a good God-fearing community like Ballykielty.

  42

  Present Day

  I could hear whispering and opened my eyes but the room was in darkness. I was laid on my back in a bed. Fanning my arms out either side of me, I soon touched the wall with my left hand and the edge of the bed with my right. It was a single bed, which meant I wasn’t in my hotel room. So, where the hell was I? I tried to sit up, but my head hurt and I quickly lay back on the pillow again. I reached out my right hand and touched some sort of bedside table, which thankfully had a lamp on it.