I looked at the wrought-iron chairs but didn’t sit; far too much nervous energy for that. Pacing up and down the patio, I waited anxiously for Daran to appear. What would he look like? Grey? Bald? Or just as damned gorgeous as he’d been that first Sunday Mass when he’d stolen my heart?
The patio door slid open, and there he was. He’d filled out a little, his hair was receding slightly and he wore glasses, otherwise, he looked exactly how I remembered. My heart fluttered and a well of emotions threatened to overcome me. Daran was clearly shell-shocked. He didn’t move or speak for several moments, and I found that I couldn’t either.
Eventually, he said, ‘Clare? Is that really you? Or am I dreaming?’
‘It’s me, Daran. It’s been a long time.’
The next minute, we were in each other’s arms, holding on tightly. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I could hear Daran sobbing too as he stroked my hair and my back.
‘Where did they send you?’ he said, when we finally separated.
‘Cornwall. To my Great-Aunt Nuala’s house.’
‘I heard you’d gone to England but nobody mentioned Cornwall. Why did they do it? I know your da was angry that we were seeing each other, presumably because of your age and my vocation, but surely sending you away was a bit extreme.’
‘It wasn’t because we were seeing each other. It was because… Actually, I think you’d better sit down.’
Laurel was true to her word. She kept Daran’s children entertained and out of our way so Daran and I could talk. We sat on the patio initially but I couldn’t stop fidgeting so we went for a walk down the garden then across the fields.
He was stunned to hear about Shannon, especially as his suggestion that I might be pregnant had been so vehemently denied. I told him everything, from the moment my parents threw me out right up to the events of the last few days, including the return of my blocked memories.
‘I should never have left you alone that night,’ he said as we ambled side by side through a field full of grazing sheep.
‘Don’t do that,’ I said. ‘I’d been alone at night loads of times. You had a job to do and I told you to go. Jamie Doyle was determined. If it hadn’t been there, it would have been somewhere else.’
‘I remember you being distracted when I got back from the school trip. You said you’d had a huge argument with your parents and I believed you.’
‘Why wouldn’t you? My wounds had healed by then. Well, my physical ones had.’
‘When we made love that first night after I returned, you cried. You said it was with happiness at having me back. But it was because of what he’d done, wasn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, Clare! You have nothing to be sorry about. And you’ve only just remembered that this happened?’
I nodded again. ‘I didn’t block it out immediately, because I remember not telling you about the baby in case Jamie Doyle was the father, which, thankfully, he isn’t because he’s infertile. I’m wondering whether the loss of Shannon was the trigger for putting it in a box and hiding it in the back of my mind.’
‘Like one traumatic thing wiping out another?’
‘Something like that. I’ll ask the counsellor about it when I get home.’
‘I can relate to lost memories,’ he said.
Daran talked to me about his work in Thailand, before and after the tsunami, and what he could remember of the disaster itself. After the tsunami, he spent another four years in Thailand, helping rebuild communities, before returning to Ireland to live a low-key life. Soon after, he met a Finnish nurse called Freja. They married and had three children – two girls, now aged six and five, and a boy aged three. He awoke one morning to a note from Freja telling him that she’d gone back to Finland and he wasn’t to follow her.
‘Jesus, Daran! Why would she abandon her husband and kids just like that?’
‘She never really took to motherhood. She found it difficult showing affection towards the children.’
‘Yet you had three of them?’
Daran laughed. ‘Still the same Clare – as blunt as ever. It’s a valid point, so it is. I think she kept hoping she’d feel something different with each birth, but she just found it harder and harder. She said in her note that she couldn’t stay when she knew she’d never have the whole of my heart. She said I gave too much of it to our children and what was left had been given away a long time ago, leaving none for her.’
I stopped and faced him. ‘You mean, to me?’
He nodded. ‘Until the end of forever, remember?’
My breath caught in my throat. As I stood face to face with Daran, looking deep into his eyes, the years seemed to melt away. We could easily have been standing in our meadow seventeen years ago. My heart thumped uncontrollably.
Daran reached out and tenderly cupped my face with his hand. ‘We haven’t reached the end of forever yet.’
He titled my head ever so gently as he moved closer and closer until his lips found mine. His kiss was so light and tender, and so full of love, that I couldn’t help but respond. As I wrapped my arms round his neck and pressed my body against his, Ben’s words came into my mind – Don’t rush into anything – swiftly followed by Laurel’s – Neither of you are the same people who fell in love back then. Was this a mistake? He was single. I was single. We were in a beautifully romantic setting. We were reminiscing about what might have been. The moment felt right. But was it just that – a moment? Could love really be rekindled after so many years apart, especially after what we’d both been through during those years?
Obviously sensing my hesitation, Daran pulled away. ‘Sorry. Probably too soon, isn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything. Until a couple of hours ago, I thought you were dead. Now you’re right here and we’re kissing, and you’ve got three kids and a life in Ireland, and I’ve got a home and family in England. Well, I don’t actually have a home, but I will and… and I’m babbling and going to stop talking right now.’
Daran laughed and gave me a quick hug. ‘You always did babble when you were nervous. I’m sorry if I’m the one making you nervous. I couldn’t help myself.’
‘You aren’t making me nervous, as such. My feelings are. I don’t know what to think or feel anymore.’
We set off walking again.
‘Is it because of him?’ Daran asked.
‘Who?’
‘The one who you said brought you here today. Ben, is it?’
‘Christ, no! He’s just a friend. Well, I say “just a friend”, but he’s so much more than that. Not in a friends-with-benefits way or anything. He’s just been unbelievably supportive since… well, for pretty much the whole time I’ve known him.’
‘Someone else, then?’
‘There isn’t anyone. Actually, there hasn’t been anyone since you, Daran.’
‘Anyone you’ve loved, you mean?’
‘Anyone, full stop. A few kisses when I’ve let my guard down, but that’s been it.’
‘Really? Why?’
‘Because the only two people I ever cared deeply about were taken away from me. Being sent away from you was heartbreaking, but I had our baby to focus on so I still had a little part of you, assuming she was yours. When I was told that she’d died, I’d never felt pain like it. I couldn’t put myself through that again. So I didn’t.’
We walked side by side in silence for a while.
‘When do you have to go back?’ Daran asked.
‘Tomorrow, assuming I can get a flight from Dublin. It’s pointless going all the way back to Cork.’
‘Any chance you can stay a bit longer?’
I shook my head. ‘I’ve been away for nearly a week already. I want to get back to Shannon and Luke. I need to explore where we’re going to live and think about getting some work.’
Darren stopped and took my hand. ‘You couldn’t make it Tuesday, could you? I know it’s a big ask, but I’d really like to see you again a
nd I think tonight would be too soon for you. You need a bit of space to get your head around things, don’t you?’
I considered for a moment. One more day? ‘Okay. Tuesday it is, but I absolutely can’t stay beyond that.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘Christ! We’ve been gone ages. Your kids will be thinking you’ve been kidnapped.’
‘I heard rumours of chocolate cake, so they probably haven’t noticed I’m gone.’
We turned and walked back towards the farmhouse. ‘I like your dress, by the way,’ Daran said. ‘It reminds me of our meadow.’
‘It reminded me of that too.’
We walked on a bit further and the farmhouse came into view. Laurel was pegging out washing on a lawn next to one of the hay barns. I could see three small children racing around, ducking between the sheets, presumably chasing Frodo, by the sounds of the excitable barks. How different their childhood would be from mine. They only had one parent, but he clearly adored them and made up for their lack of a mother. Laurel had told me that her children had all settled in the area and many worked on the farm so Daran’s kids were surrounded by aunties and uncles and had a granny with a farm on which they could run riot.
‘I see you’re still wearing my ring,’ Daran said.
I held out my right hand in front of me but dropped it quickly when I realised it was shaking. ‘I’ve never taken it off, other than to swap hands, of course. If Great-Aunt Nuala had thought it was an engagement ring, she’d have confiscated it.’ It had been the genuine reason at first, but I could have swapped it back at any point. Why hadn’t I?
‘Thank you for keeping it.’
‘It was until the end of forever for me too, you know.’
‘Was… or still is?’ Daran paused by the gate.
I shook my head. ‘I can’t answer that at the moment.’
He smiled. ‘Sorry. Far too pushy. I promised to give you time. Freja was right, though, my heart always was – and still is – yours.’
He pulled on the metal bar to open the gate and we stepped into the farmyard.
‘Daddy!’ Two dark-haired little girls rushed towards him.
‘My princesses!’ he cried, gathering them in his arms. ‘Where’s your brother?’
‘Pretending he’s a dog.’ The taller one pointed to where a small boy was rolling around on the grass with Frodo.
‘This is Clare, Erin, and Ethan,’ Daran said. ‘Girls, this is an old friend of Daddy’s. She’s also called Clare. Say hello.’
Both girls looked up at me, squinting.
‘Your dress is very pretty,’ Clare said.
‘I like your hair,’ Erin added. ‘It’s yellow like the sun.’
‘Thank you,’ I whispered, as they ran off to join Ethan and Frodo.
I turned to Daran, my eyebrows raised. ‘You named your firstborn after me?’
He bit his lip. ‘Freja wasn’t too impressed when she found out. We were planning to call her Katelyn and I changed it when I registered the birth. Freja went mad. She threw a vase at me.’ Daran pointed to a faint scar close to his hairline.
‘I’m not surprised. If I’d been her, I’d have thrown ten vases at you.’
‘It wasn’t one of my finest moments. It was probably the beginning of the end for us.’
Ethan launched himself at Daran’s legs at that moment, and Daran picked him up and swung him in the air, ending the conversation. Poor Freja. I’d started off feeling bitterness towards a woman who could abandon her husband and three young children by leaving a note. Now I just felt sorry for her. The poor woman had been living under my shadow for the whole of her marriage. No wonder she’d fled.
49
The next day, I awoke a little after nine to the sounds of birds chirping and cows mooing. Sunlight streamed through my window. Rolling onto my back, I stretched. It had been the early hours before I’d managed to fall asleep, although I’d slept soundly once I’d finally managed to stop my mind from whirring.
I showered and dressed before crossing the farmyard to the main house. The top half of the kitchen door was open and the delectable smell of bacon and eggs wafted out to me as I approached.
‘Good morning!’ Laurel said, as I unlatched the bottom half of the door. ‘The boys have just been in for their mid-morning snack and I’m about to put some more bacon on. Sit yourself down.’
‘Can I help?’
‘No, no!’ She shooed me towards the table. ‘You’re a guest.’
I’d no sooner sat down than my phone started ringing. I glanced at the screen. Aisling. ‘It’s my sister. Do you mind if I take this?’
‘Help yourself. Reception’s not great in here. You’re better in the yard. I’ll wait till you’re back before I put the bacon on.’
I accepted the call as I headed into the yard. ‘Aisling! I meant to call you yesterday but things got a little crazy. I’m so sorry for interfering between you and Finn. I shouldn’t have said anything. I thought I was helping but I should have engaged brain before mouth, as usual.’
‘It’s grand. I’m glad you interfered.’
I sat down on a wooden bench. ‘Really? Has something happened?’
‘Let’s just say that it’s taken two kids, a divorce, a few booty calls, as you put it, and a long-distance friendship to make my husband finally fall in love with me.’
‘Oh my God, Aisling, that’s amazing! But how?’
‘After she left him, he realised that he was more upset about her getting him to move away from his kids than he was about losing her. He said he missed my company more than hers and, when the kids visited, he found himself looking forward to seeing me as much as them. He’d thought that love and friendship were two separate things and that our relationship hadn’t worked because we’d started out as friends, but it struck him that he actually loved me because of our friendship.’
‘So why didn’t he say anything?’
‘He was worried that I didn’t feel the same way. He knew he’d hurt me and he’d expected me to shout and scream at him or beg him to stay. When I didn’t, he assumed it was because I didn’t really care. What you said in the pub and my reaction to it made him dare to hope.’
‘Aw, Aisling. I’m so thrilled for you both. What happens next?’
‘He had to be back for work this morning but it’s the Easter holidays starting next week. The kids were going over anyway so we’re extending our trip and I’m staying the whole time and, well, a move to the UK wouldn’t be off the cards. We’re not going to rush into anything, though.’
‘I bet you’ll be living there by the summer.’
Aisling laughed. ‘I bet you’re right. I’m so happy and it’s all thanks to you. If you were still in Ireland right now, I’d come and give you a huge hug.’
‘Actually, I am still in Ireland, only you won’t believe where.’
A bell sounded in the background. ‘Damn. Break’s over. Tell me!’
‘Daran’s mum’s farmhouse in Wicklow. And you won’t believe what’s happened.’ I ran my fingers through my hair, still struggling to get my head round the unexpected turn of events. ‘Daran’s not dead. I saw him yesterday.’
‘Feck off!’
‘I know! Shocker, eh?’
‘Clare! This is huge. Look, I’ve got to go but we’ll speak later, yeah?’
‘Yeah. Enjoy your class.’
I hung up and sat back on the bench and closed my eyes. Had I really seen Daran yesterday or had it been a dream? But I could still feel his lips on mine, his hands in my hair, the closeness of his body. Definitely real. And very, very confusing.
I’d run out of clothes. I frantically rummaged through my suitcase. Seriously. Everything, whether clean or in need of a wash, was completely unsuitable.
‘I’ve got a problem,’ I said to Laurel, over a spot of lunch. ‘I’ve got no clothes for tonight. Is there a town I can get to round here?’
She shook her head. ‘Nowhere close with any decent clothes shops. I could put a wash on.’
‘Th
at’s very kind but I don’t actually have anything nice with me that I didn’t wear for a funeral.’
Laurel smiled gently. ‘I’m sure our Aoife will lend you something. I’ll give her a ring and ask her to bring you some options.’
As soon as she arrived, Aoife gave me a huge hug. ‘So you’re the one who stole my big brother’s heart. I can see why. Come on, let’s get you fixed up. I’ve got just the thing.’ She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to a bright-yellow van. She opened the passenger-side door and rummaged through a pile of clothes. ‘You’re welcome to look at the others, but I think this one’s you.’ She thrust a navy dress on a hanger at me. ‘Do you have shoes? Ma didn’t say to bring any.’
‘I have shoes,’ I said, holding the dress out in front of me. It had a ruched bodice and a short, flared, lacy overskirt. Not too casual and not too dressy. My nude heels would be perfect with it. ‘I love it. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She closed the door and leaned against it. ‘He’s still besotted with you, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘If anything, absence has made the heart grow fonder for him. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be the same for you.’ She moved round me, opened the back of the van, and lifted a vacuum cleaner out. ‘The kids are staying with me so you won’t be disturbed. Enjoy tonight. You’ll look stunning in that.’
‘Thank you for lending it to me.’
She picked up the vacuum, walked towards one of the barn conversions, then stopped and turned round. ‘I love my brother, Clare, but I know what he can be like. Don’t let him talk you into anything you don’t want. Sometimes the past is called the past because it’s already passed.’
I stood in the middle of the farmyard with a dress draped over my arm, wondering if I should have stuck to my original plan and caught a flight back to England instead of staying another night.
50
‘Was it strange, seeing him again after so much time?’ Ben asked, as we tucked into an Indian takeaway the following night. It felt so good to be home and back to normality.
Coming Home to Seashell Cottage Page 28