‘I’m pleased to hear it. I know Sarah was pretty devastated that you all pulled apart and I know that, despite the blasé comments, you were hurting too.’
‘I’m not blasé about everything, you know.’
Ben looked me in the eye for ages, before he whispered, ‘I know.’
It felt as if he could see into my soul. I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer and jumped up to get some water. ‘Won’t Lebony be wondering where you are?’ I turned the tap on and let it run for a bit.
‘No. She left earlier.’
‘Oh.’ I couldn’t stand there with the tap running forever, so I filled the glass and returned to the table. ‘She’s lovely, Ben. I can see why you’ve kept the long-distance thing going for so long.’
Ben didn’t say anything.
‘Why didn’t she stay?’ I asked.
‘She’s going back to France tomorrow… today. She needed to get down to Dover.’
Silence.
‘How’s Daran?’ he asked, after a while. ‘Are you looking forward to seeing him next week?’
‘Yeah. It’ll be grand. I can’t wait for him to meet Shannon.’
More silence.
‘Do you really think that people shouldn’t have secrets?’ Ben asked, eventually.
I thought for a moment. ‘Well, there are obviously things that you don’t want the world to know, but I don’t think there should be secrets between friends.’
‘Even if revealing the secrets could affect the friendship?’
‘If the situation with Sarah and Elise has taught me anything, it’s how not revealing the secrets can have a massive impact on the friendship, so surely revealing them can’t be any worse than that.’
Ben nodded slowly. ‘Clare, I—’
‘Looks like I’m not the only one who can’t sleep,’ Chris said, stepping into the kitchen. ‘It’s quite the party in here.’
‘Is Mum okay?’ Ben asked.
‘She’s fine. Thrilled to hear that Kay’s alive and not badly injured. I’ve managed to book some flights to Italy. We’re going this afternoon to find out how she is first-hand.’
Ben and Chris exchanged some small talk about flight times and travel arrangements, then Ben filled a glass with water and left the kitchen, followed by his dad.
I sat there for a few more minutes, thinking about the conversation we’d had just before Chris appeared. Had Ben been about to reveal a secret?
54
I needed to get back to Leeds to finish packing, so I got dressed, scribbled a note asking them to keep me posted, then left the house early on Thursday morning.
On Good Friday, Shannon, Callum and Luke caught the train to Whitsborough Bay while I drove across with a packed car. Stevie picked them up at the train station and got them settled into the holiday cottage – a lovely, old, stone detached property with a modern interior, set back from the main street – then helped me unload the car when I arrived twenty minutes later.
‘Are you looking forward to exploring tomorrow?’ I asked, as we sat down with a fish-and-chip supper that evening. It had taken us what was left of the afternoon to get unpacked and organised, so we hadn’t ventured further than the village chippy. The cot was up, though, and it felt like home, albeit a temporary one.
‘I can’t wait,’ Shannon said. ‘I’ve got a good feeling about this place.’ She glanced at the two wooden boxes she’d carefully placed on the wooden mantelpiece earlier. ‘Hopefully, we’ve found our forever place and I can finally scatter their ashes.’
‘I hope you have too, but shout if it’s not what you expected. We can keep looking.’ Although an image of Seashell Cottage popped into my head, flooding me with warmth. I really hoped they’d want to stay.
My mobile beeped as I finished my meal.
✉︎ From Sarah
Mum and Dad have found Kay and Philip. They’re covered in cuts and bruises and she’s dislocated her shoulder and broken her collarbone. Both very shaken. Two of the people who died were seated opposite them and they’d been talking to them when it happened. So awful. Thanks for yesterday. Sorry I missed you this morning. Hope you’re settled in OK. I’m at work tomorrow but free on Sunday and would love to meet your family if that fits in with your plans xx
* * *
✉︎ To Sarah
Such a relief! Send them my best. Cottage is lovely. Stevie helped us unpack. Sunday would be great. Will text tomorrow to make arrangements. Hope you sleep well tonight after a couple of difficult days xx
* * *
✉︎ From Ben
I’m staying in W’bro Bay for the rest of Easter weekend. Do you have any time to talk tomorrow?
* * *
✉︎ To Ben
We’re going to explore North Bay tomorrow if you fancy joining us
* * *
✉︎ From Ben
Sounds great, but I was hoping to catch you alone. Any chance you could meet me early evening?
* * *
✉︎ To Ben
I’m intrigued. 6pm? 6.30pm? Where do you suggest?
* * *
✉︎ From Ben
6pm. There’s a bluebell wood half a mile north of Little Sandby. Head north out of the village and you can’t miss it on your right. Meet me by the lake. Sleep well xx
I was early, just in case I got lost, but Ben had been right, as always – it was really well signposted. Plus, his car was parked in a lay-by next to the entrance stile, which was a slight giveaway.
Birds chirped their evening song and butterflies fluttered past. As I clambered over the stile, thankful that I was wearing jeans and canvas shoes, rather than a dress and heels, butterflies also fluttered in my stomach. Strange. I hadn’t had my dinner yet. It was obviously hunger pangs, not butterflies.
The woods were quite spectacular. The lowering sun penetrated through the gaps in the trees, like hundreds of spotlights on the bluebells. I followed a well-worn path through the flowers, rising slightly, then dipping back down towards the lake, where I could see Ben sitting on a bench beneath a giant old oak tree, staring at the water with his chin resting in his hands. He looked troubled. Hardly surprising, given the situation with Auntie Kay.
He turned round as I approached him and jumped to his feet. ‘You’re early!’
‘So are you. Are you okay, Ben?’
He nodded. ‘Just thinking. It’s a good place for it.’
‘It’s beautiful,’ I said, turning in a circle.
‘Mum and Dad used to bring us here when we were little. Sarah and I played hide-and-seek between the trees. She was rubbish at seeking so I used to let her find me.’
I smiled. That was so Ben, letting someone else win.
‘Come and sit down,’ he said. He waited for me to take a seat on the bench before sitting down himself. ‘I’m sorry for being all mysterious and luring you here, but there’s something I wanted to say to you on your own.’
‘You’re going to tell me I owe you sixteen grand in back rent, aren’t you?’
Ben smiled fleetingly, then frowned and bit his lip. ‘Okay. Here goes. You know we were talking in the early hours yesterday about being completely honest with friends, no matter how that might affect the relationship?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you still believe that?’
‘Definitely.’
‘Good. So, I haven’t been honest with you about two things. Two pretty big things.’
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach again my heartbeat quicken. ‘Go on…’
‘The first thing is my relationship with Lebony.’
My stomach churned at the mention of her name.
‘We’re not together. We split up.’
‘Jesus, Ben! When? Was it Thursday night? Was that why she didn’t stay over?’
He shook his head. ‘No. It wasn’t Thursday night. Lebony and I… we… well, we split up about six months ago.’
‘What?’
Ben lowered his eyes. ‘We’re just friends now.’
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‘But you Skype her and call her all the time. And she rushed to your side on Thursday. That was Lebony, wasn’t it? Not some actress?’
He laughed. ‘That was definitely Lebony and, yes, we do call and Skype regularly. She’s a good friend. She’s been giving me some advice recently.’
‘I don’t get it. Why make out that you’re still together when you’re not?’
Ben sighed. ‘That brings me on to the second big thing I’ve been lying about. The reason Lebony and I split up was because I’d fallen for someone else. Lebony knew it before I even realised it.’ He smiled. ‘I was stunned the day she pointed it out but, as soon as she did, it was like the biggest lightbulb moment ever.’
‘Do I know her? Or is it a he? After the Elise-and-Gary situation, I don’t want to assume.’
‘It’s a she.’
‘Does she know?’
‘No, but her sister guessed.’
My walk along The Headland with Aisling popped into my head. ‘Oh my God, Ben! Are you talking about me?’
‘We used to have such great craic, as you call it, every time you visited. For years, I thought of you as a friend, but it all changed when you moved in with me the first time round. I got to see the real you, the person who loves to remove her make-up and put on her PJs as soon as she’s home from work; the person who gets all emotional watching a film and pretends she’s bored by it so she doesn’t cry, and the person who’s spent years refusing to be beaten by a challenging past and can proudly declare herself as king of every moment.’
Tears pricked my eyes. I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe.
‘I didn’t think it was possible to care for you any more than I already did, but when I saw how you were with Luke and Shannon, I fell even deeper. I’d never have said anything while you were living with me. I’d never have risked you feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Lebony gave me a lecture on Thursday. She insisted I tell you how I feel, especially as you were moving out anyway. So, here I am, telling you that, last September, you didn’t just become the owner of my spare room, you also became the owner of my heart.’
My heart raced. Oh. My. God! I didn’t know what I’d expected Ben to say, but it certainly hadn’t been that. So Aisling had been right about him! How did I feel? He was looking at me intently, waiting for me to speak. But what could I say? What could I offer him in return? I’d shut myself off to love for seventeen years. I’d even struggled to let Daran back in and he’d been the person I’d believed I’d love until the end of forever.
Ben reached across and tenderly caught a tear rolling down my cheek with his finger. I hadn’t even realised I was crying.
‘You don’t have to say anything,’ he said. ‘I’m not expecting some grand declaration of love in return. I just wanted to be honest with you, in case there was the slightest possibility that you may feel something towards me at some point in the future. I just hope that I haven’t jeopardised our friendship and you never want to see me again.’
The thought of not spending time with Ben filled me with panic. I shook my head quickly. ‘You haven’t jeopardised anything. I’ll always want you in my life. It’s just that…’
He nodded. ‘I know. It’s completely out of the blue, it’s a lot to take in, and you’ve got so much going on at the moment.’
‘I wish I could say I feel exactly the same,’ I whispered.
He lowered his eyes. ‘But you don’t. And that’s fine. It’s good. I expected it.’
‘It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that I swore I’d never love anyone ever again. The thing is—’
But I didn’t get to tell him what the thing was. Someone called my name. I jumped up, startled. The next moment, Daran had hold of me and was spinning me round, just like he used to in our farmhouse.
55
‘I hope you don’t mind me coming early,’ Daran said. ‘The kids were so excited about going on an airplane that I thought, “Why not change the flights?”
‘Oh. So here you are.’
‘Here I am. Surprise!’
It certainly was, and not necessarily a good one. He could have warned me. I’d have liked to have been there when he arrived. I’d been looking forward to seeing everyone’s reaction and I’d missed it because he’d been impulsive again. I didn’t remember him being like that back in Ballykielty. I’d been the impulsive one back then and he’d been the cautious one.
‘Where are the kids?’ I asked, hoping I’d managed to keep the frustration out of my voice. They’d met and I’d missed it and no amount of sulking was going to change that.
‘Shannon and Callum have taken them to the park. Our daughter’s gorgeous, Clare, and our grandson is adorable. I’m so proud of you.’ He certainly looked it, with a beam from ear to ear and his eyes sparkling. ‘Oh my goodness, it’s so good to see you.’ He grabbed me and kissed me. Startled, I glanced over at Ben. He smiled, but his sad eyes told of his devastation. ‘I’ll go,’ he mouthed.
Awkward. I pulled away from Daran, giggling nervously. ‘Emm. We’re being rude. This is Ben. He’s…’ I paused. How could I describe Ben? ‘Friend’ actually seemed so inadequate for what he really meant to me. My throat felt tight as I said, ‘Well, he’s just amazing.’
Daran grinned and shook Ben’s hand enthusiastically. ‘So, you’re Ben. It’s so great to meet you. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for this one.’ He flung his arm round my shoulder. ‘She never stops talking about you. I thought you were her boyfriend at first, but she says you’re just a friend.’
Ben nodded. ‘That’s me. Just a friend.’
‘I haven’t interrupted anything, have I?’ Daran asked. ‘Shannon said you were catching up about your auntie. There’s been some sort of accident?’
I nodded. Of course. I’d told Shannon that I was meeting Ben to hear the latest on Kay and Philip and I’d told her where. She’d had no reason to believe we couldn’t be disturbed, and I could guarantee that Daran would have nagged her to let him surprise me if she’d tried to make him wait.
‘I’d better go,’ Ben said. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’
‘We’ll walk with you,’ I suggested.
Daran pulled me closer to him. ‘No, you go on, Ben. There’s something I want to speak to Clare about.’
Ben shrugged. ‘Nice to meet you at last, Daran. You look after her.’
‘I intend to.’
Ben looked at me and held my gaze. ‘I guess I’ll see you around.’
I swallowed hard as I nodded. ‘Bye, Saint Ben.’
‘Bye, Irish.’
‘He seems like a good lad,’ Daran said, once Ben had sauntered out of view.
‘He is. The very best.’
‘I’ve got something for you.’
‘Oh yes?’ My eyes were still fixed on the brow of the hill where Ben had disappeared from view. A heaviness settled in my heart.
‘Yes, but I need you to sit down.’
I reluctantly peeled my eyes away from the hill and sat down on the bench where Ben had declared his love for me moments earlier.
Daran knelt on one knee on the soft moss in front of me. Oh no! Oh shit!
He took my right hand and touched my Claddagh ring. ‘I gave you this ring on your sixteenth birthday and told you that I’d love you until the end of forever. I meant it then and I still mean it now. I also told you that, one day, I’d buy you a real one.’
He paused as he reached into his coat pocket and opened up a box. A stunning platinum Claddagh ring, with a heart-shaped sapphire in the middle, gleamed as the last rays of sunlight filtered through the trees and bounced off it. ‘I know we’ve only just got back together, but it feels to me like we’ve never been apart. If you feel the same way, please will you take this ring and be mine until the end of forever?’
I stared at the ring, my heart thumping uncontrollably. ‘Daran. I’m genuinely touched but—’
‘I know there are some logistics to sort out. I know I said it wasn�
�t an option but we could move here, the kids and me. They have religious education teachers in England, don’t they? I might have to retrain a bit because of the different exams. Or you could move to Ireland. We’d make it work. We would.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not just the logistics, Daran.’
He gently stroked my face. ‘I know it was difficult for you when I touched you. We don’t have to rush the physical side of things. I’ll wait for you. We’ll get the support you need.’
‘It’s not that either.’
‘Then, what is it?’
‘Please will you get up off your knee?’
He slowly stood up and sat beside me on the bench. ‘It was too much, too soon, wasn’t it? Aoife and Ma warned me that I’d scare you off. Have I?’
I shook my head. ‘It probably is too much, too soon, but I understood why you’ve done it. Your feelings for me have never changed over the years. You said so yourself, but…’ I couldn’t find a way of saying it without hurting him. There probably wasn’t a way.
He twiddled with the open ring box. ‘But yours have, haven’t they?’
‘I’m so sorry. I should have been clearer with you when I was in Ireland or when we spoke afterwards but I wasn’t sure how I really felt until this evening. I genuinely did love you with all of my heart back then and I did mean it when I said it was until the end of forever. But our forever ended when we were separated for so long. It wasn’t your fault or my fault, but it happened, and I can’t just pick up where we left off. I wish I could, but I can’t.’
Daran nodded. He snapped the ring box closed and put it back in his coat pocket. ‘If it’s time you need, I can give you time…’ He smiled ruefully. ‘It’s not time you need, is it?’
Coming Home to Seashell Cottage Page 31