I shook my head.
‘You’ve given your heart to someone else, haven’t you?’
A tear trickled down my cheek. ‘I’m sorry, Daran. I didn’t realise it had happened.’
Daran stood up and gently pulled me to my feet. ‘If you’re quick, you might just catch him.’
‘Who?’
‘Who do you think? It’s Ben, isn’t it? He’s your new forever.’
‘No. Of course not.’
‘You don’t need to protect me, Clare. I saw the look on your face when he left earlier. You used to look at me like that when we said goodbye. I hoped I’d imagined it so I stupidly proposed anyway.’
‘I didn’t know,’ I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. ‘I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘To be honest, I think I’ve done this to myself. You didn’t promise me anything. I just assumed we could pick up where we left off, which was a bit of a ridiculous fantasy.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, again. It felt so inadequate, but I hadn’t led him on. Yes, we’d kissed, but I hadn’t told him that I still loved him and I hadn’t talked about a future together. That had all come from him. Perhaps I should have set him straight sooner, but I genuinely hadn’t known how I felt about him, and I certainly hadn’t realised that I’d fallen for Ben.
‘Go on! Run!’ he said.
‘Will you be okay?’
He took a deep breath. ‘Actually, I think I will. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s finally a conclusion to seventeen years of dreaming and wondering and hoping and praying. I can finally lay the past to rest. God’s been telling me to do that for years, but I haven’t been listening to Him. I’ll see you later. Run!’
He didn’t need to tell me again. I sprinted up the slope, down the slope and leapt across the stile. Ben’s car was still in the lay-by. I charged towards the window but he wasn’t there. I gulped in the evening air, trying to catch my breath, but my heartbeat just got quicker and quicker. Where the hell was he? I jogged a little way along the lane, away from the direction of Little Sandby, because there certainly hadn’t been anywhere he could have gone closer to the village. A minute later, I came across another stile in the fence, with a wooden sign pointing towards ‘Sea View’. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.
I clambered over the stile and found myself in a wildflower meadow, just like the one surrounding the farmhouse where Daran had first declared his love for me. It seemed fitting that a meadow could be the setting for me letting love in for the second time in my life.
The meadow dipped and I stopped for a moment to catch my breath as I took in the stunning view ahead of me. I was on a clifftop with the sea stretching out below. I scanned the edge of the fence, my eyes adjusting to the approaching twilight, but I couldn’t see Ben and my heart sank. I was just about to turn round and go back to the car when something moved along the fence. It was him! I hadn’t been able to see him because there was a bush in front of him and he’d blended into it, but his silhouette was clear now that he’d taken a couple of paces to the left.
I sprinted across the field towards him. He must have heard my approach when I got closer because he turned round, and my heart skipped a beat as I saw his tears.
‘Clare!’ he said, wiping his cheeks roughly with his sleeve and sniffing. ‘What are you doing here? Where’s Daran?’
‘Daran’s gone back to the cottage. He asked me to marry him. Turns out I really am irresistible to all men, women and small furry animals.’
‘Congratulations.’
‘Here’s the thing – I said no.’
‘Really? But I thought…’
‘So did Daran, but you were both wrong. I’m not the same person he fell in love with, and he isn’t the same person either. It would never have worked.’
‘It might have done. You could have got to know each other again. People do fall in love again after years apart.’
I shrugged. ‘True, but it’s not going to work for Daran and me. Too much time has passed and too much has happened.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Ben said. ‘I know you might not believe me, in light of my earlier confession, but I really am sorry. I only want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a new family, the potential for a new home in a town I’ve grown to love, and potentially a new career. It’s all good. And a lot of it is thanks to you.’
‘Me? What did I do?’
‘You were there for me every step of the way. I’ve got a little gift to say thank you. Put your hands out and close your eyes.’
‘Clare!’
‘Quit your nonsense and do as you’re told.’
Ben sighed but closed his eyes and held out his hands anyway. I placed the king in his hands, my body fizzing as my hand connected with his. ‘Open your eyes.’
‘It’s the king,’ Ben said.
‘For everything you’ve done for me over the past seven or eight months – and especially for putting yourself out there earlier and telling me how you really feel about me – I declare you king of the moment.’
‘Clare, I…’
‘Shh! I haven’t finished. There’s another reason why it would never have worked with Daran this time around. Even though I swore I’d never let anyone in ever again, somebody managed to wriggle his way in there without me noticing. Daran had no chance. My heart had already been given to someone else.’
Ben bit his lip. ‘Does this person know?’
‘Only if he believed what her sister told him.’
His eyes shone. ‘What are you saying, Clare?’
‘I’m saying that I didn’t properly realise it until this evening but, somewhere along the way, my friendship towards you turned into so much more. It’s not going to be easy, and I know I have a pile of shite from my past that I still need to address, but if you’re prepared to take that rough road, then I’d like you to be king of all my moments from now on. I never thought I’d say this to anyone ever again, but I love you, Ben, more than I ever thought possible.’
Ben took a step closer to me and gently cupped my face in his hands. ‘I’m prepared to take that rough road,’ he whispered. Then he bent down and kissed me. Despite years of dreaming about Daran, the reality hadn’t lived up to the dream when we’d kissed again. Kissing Ben, on the other hand, felt like a dream come true. The best dream ever.
Epilogue
New Year’s Eve
‘I now declare you husband and wife. You can kiss your bride.’
No! Not Ben and me! Philip and Kay, of course. I’m not quite ready for that sort of commitment. Actually, that’s a lie because I’d jump at it, but he hasn’t asked me. Yet.
I smile as Philip gently kisses Kay, and the guests whoop and cheer very loudly. Ben hands me another glass of Champagne and my heart melts. Wow! That man looks so damn sexy in a tux. He looks pretty sexy out of one too. It took six months and regular counselling before I felt ready to go all the way, but Ben showed the patience of a saint (naturally). We actually did the deed on my thirty-fourth birthday. I had a demon to exorcise from that same evening eighteen years previously. It hurt, physically and emotionally, but it was absolutely worth taking that first difficult step. I still have moments where fear grips me, but Ben is so understanding. He knows it will take time.
Speaking of demons, I’m thrilled to say that Nia has exorcised hers too and Jamie Doyle is currently serving time for assault and attempted murder. She’d gone home after our meeting on my last morning in Cork feeling inspired by our conversation. She packed some clothes, intending to seek refuge with Ellen while deciding whether to take me up on my offer to join me in England. As she was walking down the driveway with her case, a taxi pulled up outside and Jamie got out. It was obvious she was leaving him and there was no way he was going to let that happen. He thumped her in the stomach, then pinned her to the garage door by her throat. The taxi driver, an ex-Guard, pulled him off and made sure the book was thrown a
t him.
Two weeks after we’d settled into the holiday cottage in Little Sandby, Ellen came to stay. Four generations of my family under one roof. Amazing. And that wasn’t the only amazing thing. She brought Nia with her. ‘I hear there may be a job going for someone with no skills or work experience,’ Nia said. ‘That sounds like something I might be able to do.’
I have to say that, for someone with no skills or experience, Nia was instrumental in helping me get my business off the ground. Jamie Doyle had stopped her from having ideas, opinions and even thinking for herself, so it took a lot of coaxing, but she tentatively came to me one day with a brilliant suggestion for how I could price my services. I loved it. That one piece of encouragement was like unleashing a party popper because the ideas streamed out of her from that moment. I secured a regular contract with The Ramparts Hotel, Whitsborough Bay’s only five-star hotel, to do all their marketing and social media for two days a week. They wouldn’t take any credit, but I’m sure I also have Sarah and Nick to thank for that as they’re friends with the manager.
I smile at Sarah across the room, looking stunning in her deep-red bridesmaid dress. She’s thankfully put some weight back on since losing the baby and no longer has that gaunt, haunted look. She’s had some tests and, while there is some scarring on her other fallopian tube, they’ve been told there’s no reason why she shouldn’t conceive again. They’re not so sure they want children now, though. They’ve got a new puppy called Twix (with a dog called Hobnob and cats called Kit and Kat, spot the theme!) Sarah told me that they’ll give it a couple more years and they might try for a family then but, if it doesn’t happen, that’s fine.
She must have registered me watching her because she looks over, raises her glass to me with a grin, and continues her conversation with Elise and Stevie. Stevie adjusts his hold on Melody, who is just about the cutest and smallest bridesmaid ever, dressed in a frilly ivory dress with a red sash to match Sarah’s dress. Melody was released from the special-care baby unit in late April and she’s adorable. Daniel has seen her once. He’s finally accepted that she’s his but isn’t bothered, which suits Elise and Stevie just fine because, let’s face it, he’d have been a useless lump of a dad and Melody’s better off without him in her life.
I notice Elise place her hand on her stomach. There’s no sign of a bump yet, but I know – and Sarah knows – that Elise is eight weeks pregnant. She gathered us both together a couple of weeks ago and said that, although she didn’t want to announce it to anyone else until after the twelve-week scan, she wanted to make sure that we both knew at exactly the same time, this time around. Good call.
‘What are you grinning at, Mum?’ asks Shannon, appearing by my side with a sleeping Luke in her arms.
‘This,’ I said, sweeping my arm round the room. ‘This time last year, I was in such a different place. I hated New Year’s Eve with a passion. And now I’m at a wedding surrounded by family I didn’t know I had.’
‘Are you crying?’ she asks.
‘No! Okay. Yes, I am! I swear that I’ve turned into an emotional wreck from the moment I knew you were still alive.’
And it’s true. I cry at everything now. I cried when they moved out of the holiday cottage into a rental property with a year-long lease. I cried when Daran and I jointly gave Shannon away to be married to Callum on her seventeenth birthday in June. I cried when I waved them off on their honeymoon in Scotland for a few days, leaving me alone with Luke for the first time since Leeds. I cried when Shannon asked me to meet them at Lighthouse Point for a picnic, then sprinkled the ashes of Paul and Christine into the sea instead, telling me she’d finally found the place she could call her forever home. I cried when she was offered a place at the local sixth-form college and when Callum secured another plumbing apprenticeship. And I cried when Shannon started a part-time job at a school of dance and excitedly told me that the owner had plans to retire in the next five years. She’s now grooming Shannon to take over within three years, knowing that Shannon already has the finances in place to buy her out.
‘Auntie Nia looks lovely tonight and I reckon Philip’s son thinks so too.’
I look across the room to where Nia is chatting animatedly with Michael. Wow! I can practically see the sparks flying off the two of them.
She really does look stunning. Her mousy appearance didn’t seem to fit with the confidence she found as she helped the business to grow and discovered her own self-worth so I’d marched her to the hairdressers in early September and ordered a full head of colour and a layered style. We went shopping for clothes, shoes and make-up, and giggled over glasses of wine one evening as she burned her clothes from her former life. Actually, we only burned one item – a cardigan she’d ripped a hole in and spilt paint on – and gave the rest to charity, as we couldn’t bear the waste. She stood taller after that, she laughed more, and she even gained the confidence to go out and join a Zumba class and a photography club, where Michael just happened to be a guest speaker in October, having returned from his latest overseas assignment. They’ve been inseparable since.
I’m going to miss her when she moves out, which I fully expect she’ll do within the next few months. We’ve been living together at Seashell Cottage. Philip’s house sold and that gave him and Kay enough funds to buy their new home together. Seashell Cottage had sold too but, luckily for me, the chain broke and the purchase fell through. I asked Kay if she’d be willing to rent it to me with a view to me buying it a few years down the line when my business was more established and I could secure a mortgage. I love it there so much. The moment I walked through the door again, I knew I’d found my true home.
Ben stays over as much as he can but he still has his job in Leeds. He’s been trying to convince them to set up a branch in North Yorkshire, but there’ve been so many stumbling blocks and funding problems that we don’t think it’s ever going to happen. We’ve managed with the commute so far and we’ll continue to do so. Somehow.
‘Are you looking at Michael and Nia?’ Elise asks, joining us. ‘That’s one seriously smitten pair.’
I nod. ‘I think they’re perfect for each other.’
‘So do I,’ she whispers. ‘Michael certainly deserves to find love at last, and so does your sister.’
As for the rest of my family, Aisling, Torin and Briyana moved over to Manchester during the summer holidays, and the kids have settled nicely into their new schools. Finn sold his house because, although it was a family home, he wanted their home together to be one they’d all chosen, rather than the one he’d intended to buy with her, even though she never actually lived there. Torin and Briyana came to stay with me for a weekend in October while Finn took Aisling away to Venice for her birthday. They came back married!
Éamonn’s wife is expecting a baby in March, but it turns out that Ma was actually right about Keenan – he does prefer men. He isn’t in a relationship as he’s struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, but he’s hoping to make this coming year the year he explores a same-sex relationship. I hope he does. I’ve grown to really like my brothers.
I haven’t seen or heard from Ma. The twins tell me she’s very bitter and blames everyone except herself for everything that’s happened in her life. She’s pushed them all away. She’ll end up a lonely old woman. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person!
I stayed away from Daran for the rest of the Easter visit, not feeling comfortable about turning down his proposal then getting together with Ben. He also needed time to get to know our daughter. Things were slightly awkward at first when he came over for Shannon and Callum’s wedding but I made him sit down and drink a bottle of wine or two with me, and I finally got him to admit that he hadn’t really been in love with me for all these years – he’d been in love with the memory of what we’d had together. It had taken a stern talking-to from his mum and sister Aoife after I turned him down to get him to realise this. He’s actually met someone else through his church. It’s early days and I’ve made
him promise not to rush into anything, but I met her when we all went over to Ireland in November and I think they have a good chance, especially as she’s not trying to compete with a ghost of girlfriends past.
Luke wakes up so Shannon excuses herself to feed him, as Sarah makes her way over.
‘This time two years ago, things were quite different, weren’t they?’ she says.
I laugh. ‘Christ, yes! I was staying with you at Seashell Cottage, questioning why the hell you weren’t chasing after Nick when you knew he was the one for you.’
‘I was out with Gary and his work colleagues,’ Elise says, ‘with no idea that he was gay and that I was heading for a divorce.’
‘And you were hiding some pretty big skeletons in your closet,’ Sarah says to me.
I glance round the room again. ‘Some of whom are in this room right now. What a difference a couple of years make.’
Elise nodded. ‘I can’t believe how much has changed, how painful it was at the time, but how much better everything is now.’
‘To love, friendship and no more secrets,’ I say, clinking my glasses with them both.
‘To love, friendship and no more secrets,’ they repeat.
‘What’s this about “no more secrets”?’ Ben asks, putting his arm round me.
‘We’re just reflecting on the past couple of years,’ I say, ‘and how much better life is with everything out in the open.’
‘You don’t like secrets, do you?’ Ben says.
I shake my head. ‘You know I don’t.’
‘Would you be mad at me if I said that I have another little secret? Wait here.’
‘Ben!’ But he disappears into the crowd. I glance at Sarah and Elise, but they shrug. They know something, though. I can tell by the mischievous twinkles in their eyes.
A spotlight illuminates a microphone on the stage at one end of the function room and Kay steps up to the mike. ‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Philip and I have had a wonderful day and would like to thank you all for celebrating New Year’s Eve and our wedding with us. We know that many of you might have had other plans, but Philip proposed to me on this night last year, so it seemed fitting that we married on the anniversary of our engagement.’ She pauses for applause and cheers. ‘The last time I stood in front of a microphone and made a speech, it was at my sixtieth birthday party a year gone June. I’d lured everyone there under false pretences because it was actually an engagement party for my amazing niece, Sarah, and her gorgeous husband, Nick, who I’m delighted to say that I fixed up. I can’t take credit for this one but, tonight, I’m hoping I’ve done the double…’
Coming Home to Seashell Cottage Page 32