Feathers: A Novel

by Kylie Stewart

He’s so hypnotizing.

  Hawk McLean would always be the most gorgeous man in the world to me. And he only got better with age.

  “You’d do the same for any one of us girls.” I cleared my throat, trying to look anywhere but in his intense gaze. “Besides, we’re family. It’s what we do.”

  “I don’t consider you family, Lottie.”

  His words both heated and hurt me. Hawk had said for so long he thought of me as his little sister, but then he’d kissed me, and everything changed.

  “Well, I consider you my family, Hawk.” Carefully, I raised my eyes to meet his, trying to be polite—desperate not to make the same mistake with him twice. I wouldn’t be able to say no to him this time on the basis of age or naïveté. He knew how old I was, and I knew that invisible barrier between us didn’t exist.

  I’d always loved Hawk, but he’d gone through life calling me kiddo and Lottie. He’d only ever said my name a handful of times, and both were spoken on dangerous grounds.

  “I’ve been away for a long time.” He started, and I steeled myself for impact. “I stayed away for so long to give you time to grow up, to heal, and to think about what we did.”

  “Hawk, we don’t have to do this.” I tried to pull away from him, but he my hands firmly.

  “Yes, we do.” His brow furrowed in concern, pleading with me to hear him out.

  Sighing, I nodded. “Okay, I’ll listen.”

  “Me kissing you in the library was wrong.”

  Ouch.

  Maybe I didn’t want to hear this after all?

  My face must have revealed my thoughts because he quickly shook his head. “It was wrong because of your age. You weren’t even eighteen, Lottie, it was almost illegal.” Hawk’s eyes searched my face. “But I need you to know I don’t regret it because it woke me up to a lot of things. Like Marion.” He snorted. “I’m sure you saw we didn’t last another two weeks after that.”

  A smile played with the corners of my mouth at the mention of Marion. Yes, I’d seen their Facebook status change on Hawk’s end. Silent satisfaction gave me a bit of a boost for a while thereafter.

  “After that, I wasn’t sure how to act around you.” He blew out a breath, puffing his cheeks. “I didn’t want to scare you, and I didn’t want to make it awkward or weird for either of us, let alone Grams.” Hawk grimaced. “Thank God Melody agreed not to tell, or else I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.”

  Guilt stirred in my belly. Yes, Hawk kissed me, but I’d instigated it. Hell, I’d wanted him to see me and take an interest in me. Why he took all the blame didn’t sit well with me.

  “Hawk, what happened in the library wasn’t all your fault.” It took all my courage to admit this to him because he could squash it back down again. “I’d had a crush on you for a long time. All I wanted you to do was see me not as a kid, but as a woman.” My words came out in a rush. “A young woman, but still a woman all the same.”

  Hawk’s gaze softened as I spoke, and he reached up to cup my cheek. “I did see you. Loud and clear, I saw you.”

  Compared to him, I seemed so small. He towered above me in height and leaped ahead of me by time. Every time he touched me, my hands seemed tiny. His thumb brushed against my cheek, and heat pooled in my belly.

  “I wanted you to kiss me that day.” My voice hovered on a whisper, unsure of what fate wanted from either of us.

  Hawk shuffled a step closer, leaning his head down. His hand walked up my arm, shoulder, and wrapped around the nape of my neck. A gasp escaped my lips, and his eyes hooded with familiar desire.

  “And now?” he asked softly.

  I stood trembling, confused, and burning. “Now?”

  “Do you want me to kiss you now?”

  My eyes widened as Hawk hovered just above my mouth. His breath on my lips stirred a hunger in my soul I’d never known existed. There was something erotic and thrilling about a man of Hawk’s prowess paying me attention.

  But would it last?

  My mind played dirty tricks on me.

  Will he stay when it’s all over?

  Swallowing hard, I rested my palms over his chest, and I felt the rapid beating of his heart.

  He’s just as nervous as I am.

  I licked my lower lip, and he followed the motion in rapt suspense. For Hawk, I would lower my defenses. I’d allow him to pluck me from the cage whenever he wanted and sing just for him. And if he returned me, so be it. I would wait for him to collect my feathers and grant me my wings.

  Only then could we truly be free together.

  “Yes.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Hawk

  This girl obliterated my defenses, ripped out my common sense, and sent me flying the moment we touched.

  Why couldn’t I resist her?

  It wasn’t fair, and it made no sense.

  Her green eyes dazzled up at me while I spoke my heart, spilling my guts out on the floor between us. I longed to tell her just how sorry I was for leaving her the way that I did after our first kiss. For so many sleepless nights, I tossed and turned, haunted by the truth written all over my soul. No matter how long we stayed apart, no matter the age gap between us, our fates were intertwined.

  Closing my eyes, my mouth claimed hers once again but sweetly this time.

  In my life experience, women came and went—some interesting and others just for a hookup—but this girl? This sweet, innocent, beautiful girl deserved so much more. She deserved to be worshipped and shown just how good physical touch could be.

  And it terrified me that I wanted to be the man to show her.

  As Charlotte tentatively kissed me back, moving her lips against mine, her fingers curled into my T-shirt.

  When did things change between us?

  She called me out about thinking of her as a sister, and I did—but in the past. We’d grown into friends as I realized she had an old soul. I found myself bringing small issues and troubles to her, and she’d listen, giving wisdom well beyond her years.

  So what changed in me to snap and see her as a sexual being?

  For so long I racked my brain, trying to figure out why I’d broken all my rules with her in the library that night.

  Why her?

  Lottie moaned, opening for me, and our tongues tangled. Pure ecstasy shot down my throat, and animalistic desire raged in my blood.

  Charlotte stripped me down to the bare bones of what made me a man. Her innocence dangled on a tempting thread before me. The idea that no other man had kissed her, touched her, or ruined her drove me mad with lust. But that big, beautiful brain and hopeful heart she still held within her chest through all her trials beat in tandem with mine.

  Can love evolve?

  My hands tangled in her hair, and her arms wrapped around my neck.

  Love was a powerful, terrible, and vulnerable emotion with no valid description unless one felt it for themselves. It came on silent wings and could break a soul with the power of hurricane.

  But could you fall in love with a person and not even realize it?

  Walking us to the bed, I sat down on the mattress and pulled Lottie between my legs. Her hair fell around us, shutting out the rest of the world until we were the only people who mattered.

  She gazed down on me, beckoning me to drown in her depth.

  My songbird, my siren.

  “Little Lottie …” I whispered, ghosting my lips against her jaw.

  Her forehead pressed against mine, and the sweetest smile graced her lips. “I’m not afraid of you, Hawk.” She cupped my face in her dainty hands. “I’ll take whatever I can get from you because that’s more than I deserve.”

  Hearing those words broke something inside me.

  She’d take whatever she could get from me because she thought that was more than she deserved?

  “Charlotte.” My fingers curled around her wrists, engulfing them. “You deserve everything. Don’t ever settle for less than more.”

  The sound of feet trotting up th
e stairs caused her to step away from me, and I let her go. We didn’t need a repeat of what’d happened last time. Heather walked by without a glance at the open bedroom door of Lottie’s room. She breathed a sigh of relief, and I stood back up, slightly adjusting myself.

  “Lottie.” I caught her gently by the arm as she tried to go back to unloading her clothes. Her entire body trembled under my touch, but not in fear, in excitement, electricity, and it flowed into my bones.

  “Yes?” She coyly glanced out of the corner of her eye, and my cock ached in ways previously unknown to me. I ran my tongue over my top lip, and her gaze followed, daring me to break my unspoken rules once again.

  She’s so hard to fight.

  “You are worth so much more than what you believe.”

  A small smile danced at the corners of her mouth, and she playfully retorted. “And how much would you be willing to pay?”

  I opened my mouth, but stopped, realizing the answer might scare her.

  It scared me.

  Fuck, it shook me to the core.

  “Whatever it took.” I cleared my throat, the pads of my thumb and forefinger rubbing together nervously. “I’d pay whatever it took to free you.”

  Lottie’s gaze widened briefly before her cheeks flushed a seductive pink. “Even if I wanted feathers?”

  God, I loved her.

  This time, I didn’t censor myself.

  “I’d slay angels for you if that was what you wanted.”

  Without missing a beat, she made me trip and fall even deeper. “And demons?”

  My jaw tensed, and every fiber of my being wanted her. “Even demons, Lottie.”

  After a brief silence, I excused myself, needing to leave before I pushed one of us over the edge. The emptiness of my old bedroom greeted me with solace.

  “And how much would you be willing to pay?”

  Closing my eyes, I answered her truthfully in the safety of my room.

  “With my life.”

  My hands shook at the myriad of emotions pulsing through me, and I wrung them together. Long before we’d ever met, fate had tied a red thread to each one of our fingers. The harder one of us pulled, the closer the other came.

  How hard could I pull before she pushed me away?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Hawk

  Grams grew stronger and more alert in the hospital in the week after her surgeries. She always had a string of visitors between the girls and Kelly, and when Lottie came by, we pretended like nothing happened that weekend.

  We hadn’t kissed again, but we’d spent a lot of time in each other’s company. Heather usually kept us busy by talking about school, or Cassandra spoke about her cosmetology course. It didn’t seem to bother Lottie. Sitting side by side on the sofa seemed as easy as breathing, but when our hands brushed or shoulders touched, that teasing zing of electricity taunted us both.

  So when Lottie left that following Thursday with Melody, Grams’s line of questioning caught me off guard.

  “Hawk, did something happen between you and Charlotte?”

  Nearly choking on my Dr. Pepper, I wiped my mouth and shot my grandmother a look. “What makes you say that?”

  A thin eyebrow arched, her gray gaze pinned on me. “What did you do?”

  There wasn’t any escaping now.

  “I didn’t do anything.” Perhaps reverting to a childish pout wasn’t the best way to deter my sharp grandmother.

  She saw right through me.

  “I might be old, but I wasn’t born yesterday.” With a heavy sigh, she folded her hands on her lap and leveled a hard stare at me. “I’ve known for some time that Charlotte has liked you. All I am asking is if you’ve done something to make that like turn into something more.”

  My knee began to bob up and down nervously. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to upset her.

  “Hawk.” Grams’s tone gentled, and I managed to face her. Her eyes sparkled, and she did a horrible job suppressing a grin.

  “Yes?”

  “If you care about that girl, and I know you do and have for a while, you’ll do right by her,” she chided. “Charlotte is a beautiful young woman, very driven and extremely talented. She deserves the best not because of what she’s been through, but because of who she’s become.”

  I rubbed my palms together, resting my elbows on my knees and leaned closer to her bedside. “I really don’t know when I started to have feelings for her.”

  There.

  Admitting my feelings to someone took a little of the weight off my shoulders.

  Grams nodded knowingly. “Your feelings changed when you came back in the summer with that high-maintenance woman.”

  She didn’t hide her disdain for Marion, and I chuckled. “Yeah, she wasn’t the brightest bulb in the shed.”

  “Tch, in the entire hardware store.” Grams laughed along with me and held out her weathered hand. “Hawk, Charlotte’s looked up to you for longer than even you’ve known, and now that’s changed. She doesn’t just look up to you; she looks for you.” Her gaze grew misty. “Just promise me one thing because I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

  Emotion clogged my throat at my grandmother’s words. She was basically giving me permission to openly express myself to Lottie—which was a skill I’d never mastered or even tried to hone.

  “If you love her, you will do what you have to do, and if she loves you, she will find you.” Grams’s lips pressed into a thin line. “And if it goes wrong, and she can’t see that, if you love her, you’ll let her go.”

  “I don’t even understand how we got to this point, Grams.”

  Her gray eyes shimmered, and she patted the back of my hand. “Nobody does, dear, nobody does.”

  When I left the hospital that night, I sat in my car before pulling out of my parking spot. My slick black phone twirled around and around between my fingers before I finally grew the balls to text Lottie.

  Me: I just left Grams. She’s feeling really good. Did you want to maybe grab a drink and dinner?

  Before I chickened out, I pressed the send button.

  For Pete’s sake, you’re nearly twenty-nine, and you’re acting like a sixteen-year-old kid. Get it together.

  Luckily for me, Lottie didn’t keep me suffering long.

  Lottie: I’m going to a party with Melody and her boyfriend, Anthony.

  One eyebrow arched, and I frowned. Something about Lottie going to a party as a third wheel didn’t sit well with me.

  Me: Oh? Where at?

  I tapped my thumb over and over again on my steering wheel as I waited impatiently for her reply.

  Lottie: The Alpha Chi Rho house.

  Immediately, my stomach sank.

  I’d been a member of Alpha Chi Rho, and although my name was Hawk, I’d affectionately allowed myself to become a “Crow.” Most of the time, we had a great reputation and were sort of the big brothers on campus. I’d played soccer at Syracuse, and most of us were athletes. But we still threw crazy parties and lots of pretty girls came and went.

  Me: Are you sure you want to go?

  Damn, that sounded horrible.

  Lottie: It’s nearly ten, and we’re already here. Is there an issue?

  With a groan, I pressed my forehead to the steering wheel and tried to rationalize Lottie going to a party. My mind played dirty tricks on me. In my imagination, some ungentlemanly frat boy drugged her drink or cornered her under the stairs for a make-out session. A bolt of white lightning made me see red, and my fists clenched, only reminding me that if I gripped any tighter, I might break my phone.

  Me: Be safe.

  What else could I say?

  No, I don’t want you to go out and put yourself in a situation you’ll regret.

  I want you to stay in your dorm room and say no to any guy who asks you out.

  And then the bare-naked truth.

  I want you in my arms, in my bed, with me buried inside you. You’re mine.

  Glowering at my reflect
ion in the rearview mirror, I made a choice. I’d go to the Rho house and check it out just to be sure Lottie was safe. I was practically a legend there anyway, and I carried my alumni card in my wallet.

  With that decided, I turned my key in the ignition. Pulling out of the parking garage of the university hospital, I began the slow drive to Greek Row.

  I just prayed if Lottie saw me, she’d understand.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Charlotte

  How Melody managed to convince me to come to a frat party, I’d never know. She’d made it sound like fun. We’d be safe since Anthony was a member and would be there. But now that we were here, I wasn’t so sure.

  The music pounded throughout the large house, and people screamed over each other. Largely built young men sauntered through the house with scantily clad girls hanging on their tree-trunk arms. Alcohol and liquor lined every table and every hand.

  Melody clung to Anthony, both of them holding Solo cups. I just stared down into mine with a scrunched nose. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. A part of me wanted to ask Hawk to come and pick me up when he texted just a few minutes ago. We’d been here for only fifteen minutes, and I already felt like an object.

  The way the guys stared at the girls reminded me of the bad men from my past. They didn’t stare with respect or admiration like Hawk did. Instead, they stared with very specific intentions—to see what each potential girl looked like naked.

  I’d chosen skinny jeans, brown leather boots that stopped at my ankles, and a long, formfitting baby blue sweater with a scoop neckline. Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea because most of the hungry stares were directed at me.

  Someone gently tapped on my shoulder, and I jumped, sloshing the nasty contents over the rim onto my hand. A handsome blond-haired boy with kind green eyes laughed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He took the cup from my hand and reached for a stack of napkins on the counter next to us. “Here.”