Father Figure

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  Then their voices joined together, the old man and the warrior priest, and even I was moved by the ancient words, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I felt the weight of their sincerity and gravity.

  “O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen.”

  Then there was another long silence until the old priest spoke. “Come and have a whiskey with me later, son. It sounds like you could use it.”

  Gabriel gave a short bark of laughter.

  “Thanks, Father Michael. I’ll see you in ten.”

  Then Gabriel left the confessional and the old priest slowly stood and opened the door on his side. I knew I had to stay stuck in my little hidey-hole until Gabriel left the church. I craned my neck to see what he was doing. Was he praying again?

  I was shocked to see him lying on the cheap carpet in front of the altar, face down, his arms stretched out in the shape of a cross. And maybe I imagined it in the half-light, but I thought I saw the sheen of tears on his cheek.

  Gabriel was burning with guilt. Good. Very good. And there’d be a lot more of that ahead of him.

  It was a boring as fuck day after that interesting start. Mrs. O’Cee was off visiting with her granddaughter who was having a baby in a few weeks. I felt irritated and pissed. How come some people got a grandmother who wanted to bake cookies and knit baby clothes for them, and some people got a druggie for a mom and curses from everyone else? If there was a God, he was doing a shit job.

  I picked out some books from the rectory’s library, but there wasn’t a single Jackie Collins in there. Instead, there was boring crap about wars over the centuries and a ton of religious books.

  But while I was in the library, I learned something far more interesting than anything in those books. Father Neil and Father Miguel Angel were in the kitchen talking about Gabriel … and about me.

  “Gabriel is going to take off tonight for one of his overnight camping trips,” said Father Neil. “So, can you take Morning Mass at St. Peter’s tomorrow, and I’ll take evening prayers?”

  “Yes, of course, Neil. But this is very sudden—is Gabriel unwell?”

  Father Neil sighed.

  “Not unwell, exactly, but his mind is not at rest. You know he’s coming up to that time of the year, and it troubles his soul fiercely. You know how he gets. And, well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that he’s been more … distracted … since we’ve had our young houseguest.”

  I crept closer as their voices dropped.

  “You mean Mariana? What about her?”

  “Miki, surely you’ve noticed…? Ah, no, probably not. You’re a lucky man not to be afflicted by the desires of the flesh.”

  “You mean Gabriel desires the girl?” Father Miguel Angel sounded shocked. “Has anything happened? Do we need to inform the bishop?”

  “No, no, no, nothing like that. But she’s young and beautiful and Gabriel is … Gabriel. I think he needs some time away to compose himself. You know that he always feels closest to Our Lord when he’s surrounded by nature. I sometimes think that he wasn’t cut out to be a priest in a city. He could do so much good in a rural community. But he seems to be intent on staying in San Diego, no matter the cost to himself.”

  “You’re worried about him,” said Father Miguel Angel curtly.

  “Yes, I am. And it’s not just Mariana. We’ve always known that there are dark currents working inside him, pulling him toward sadness or madness. They’ve never been resolved. And well, Father Michael asked me to keep an eye on him.”

  “Well, of course I’ll take Morning Mass for him, but if the girl is of concern, we must find her alternative accommodation.”

  Father Neil was silent for a while before he replied.

  “I think you’re right, Miki, although it will break Mrs. O’Connor’s heart—she’s become very fond of the girl. But yes, she must go.”

  Ice filled my veins. I’d always known they were hypocrites and liars—pretending to care about me when all the time they couldn’t wait to get rid of me. Yeah, well, they’d find it a lot harder than they were bargaining for. I’d break their precious Gabriel first.

  I told Mrs. O’Cee that I was going to see my mom and she agreed to feed and look after Lolita.

  Following Gabriel to the mountains wouldn’t be easy, but I was determined that he wouldn’t get away from me.

  I sat in the car I’d stolen, deciding what to do. I could either tail Gabriel’s piece of shit beater across the city in the twilight and heavy traffic, risk being made or risk losing him; or I could drive direct to Torrey Pines where he usually went hiking and only an hour from downtown, but risk him going somewhere different.

  I tapped a fingernail on the steering wheel and decided to try following him, and if I lost him, head for Torrey Pines anyways.

  I’d hidden my long hair under a ball cap and also wore a long-sleeved hoodie since those mosquitoes out by the State Park had teeth like a shark and were twice as hungry.

  From across the street, I saw Gabriel back his car out of the rectory’s driveway. I ducked down, peering out over the top of the steering wheel and twisted the wires together for the starter-motor that hot-wired the engine as he accelerated past.

  One of mom’s stoner boyfriends had taught me how to hotwire a car, but he’d moaned about how it was only safe to take cars that were more than 15 years old, because in newer ones, the electronics made it too complicated, and he wasn’t about hacking into cars using a computer—old school all the way for him. He’d passed those important life skills on to me. I would have thanked him if he hadn’t ODed a few months later.

  I tailed Gabriel as he headed east, relaxing when I realized that he was following his usual route and dropping back to four cars behind him. The road began to climb as we headed up to the spiny ridge of mountains that divided SoCal from the desert on the other side.

  As the traffic began to thin out, I had to drop back even further and pray that the red tail lights I was following were the right ones. Eventually, I lost him completely so I ended up heading to the Paso Picacho Campground anyway. There were several other campgrounds in the State Park, but this was the one he favored. I abandoned my car a quarter of a mile from the campground and walked the rest of the way so I didn’t have to answer awkward questions about my car’s registration or why I didn’t have a tent or hiking boots. And I guess God was on my side after all because I saw Gabriel’s beater parked up at the edge of the lot.

  “Can I help you, Miss?”

  I spun around, my heart beating a rapid tattoo, and stared up into the weather beaten face of a Ranger. I hadn’t expected to see anyone this late in the day out of season.

  “Oh, hi! Um, yeah, my boyfriend said he’d walk a ways up the trail to put up our tent, but I forgot which trail he said. I had to go to the bathroom, and he was going to get everything ready first.” I rambled, giving a convincing imitation of an airhead.

  “Huh, that so? Gabe didn’t mention he had a lady friend. Or a tent.”

  I gave the Ranger my best smile. “He’s bringing me here for the first time. I can’t wait to sleep under the stars.”

  He gave a pointed look at my unsuitable footwear and shook his head with a sigh.

  “He took the northern route. It’s pretty rough terrain—you gonna be okay in sneakers?”

  “Oh, sure! Gabe has my boots. We’re not planning on going far tonight.”

  He shrugged his shoulders and pointed out the trail I needed, and I hurried off before he tried to stop me or ask more inconvenient questions.

  By now, it was almost fully dark and the Ranger dude was right, it was rough going for a city girl wearing knock-off Nike sneakers. Just say yes. I had to use the light on my cell-phone as a flashlight and wo
ndered how far Gabriel would hike in the dark before setting up camp. For all I knew, he’d planned some crazy SEAL-style night climb and I’d be flailing around getting eaten by bears, coyotes or these damn bugs.

  Out of the darkness, a monstrous form rushed at me, but before I could scream, I was knocked backward with a huge hand around my throat squeezing the life out of me, and pinned down on the forest floor.

  “Who the fuck are you? Why are you following me?”

  My heartbeat jacked up a gear when I realized that it was Gabriel laying on top of me. He grabbed my ball cap and yanked it off, shining a flashlight right in my face.

  “Blue? Shit! What the fuck are you doing here? I nearly took your damn head off!”

  “Yeah, I noticed,” I choked out, massaging my raw throat as he eased his grip. He rolled off me then squatted on his haunches, the flashlight still pointed in my face until I flicked his arm away. “Are you trying to fucking blind me, too?” I snarled at him, irritated that he’d caught me so easily, not that I was trying to be evasive.

  He dropped the beam of the flashlight to my chest.

  “Answer the question,” he snapped.

  And suddenly, sitting in the dirt in the middle of a mountain with a murderous ex-SEAL didn’t seem like my smartest idea right now. Why had I thought confronting him alone was the right thing to do? I reassessed my plan rapidly.

  “We need to talk,” I said sullenly.

  He stared at me in disbelief, the lights and shadows throwing me off as he continued his perusal.

  “I came up here to get away from everything,” he said quietly after a long, uncomfortable silence.

  “Away from me?”

  “Especially you,” he said in exasperation. “The way you’ve been pushing my buttons, I don’t get it. You’re driving me crazy, Blue!”

  “And that’s why we need to talk. Why even bother saving me if you’re going to treat me like a leper, and then telling everyone that I’m a whore so I can’t get a clean start?”

  “I told you I didn’t do that,” he clipped out.

  “And I told you I’m not buying your brand of bullshit,” I shot back. “Why did you do it, Gabriel? Any of it? Why give me hope then take it away? Why let me live at the rectory then ignore me? Why say it would be my safe place then plan to send me away? It’s cruel. You’re cruel. It would have been kinder to leave me on the street!”

  My voice had risen with every word until I was screaming at him. Suddenly it was all real—the fake emotions had been scorched away and I was confronted with the confusion and disgust and hatred and, God help me, attraction to this hulking man, this priest, this murdering scumbag, this fallen angel.

  For a second, he just stared at me, then he held out his hand, the one that had tried to choke me. I hesitated for a moment, then wrapped my fingers around his, feeling his warmth and strength as he pulled me upwards.

  We stared at each other across the darkness, so many lies building a barrier —the truth trembling unsaid between us.

  “You know what a truce is, Blue?” he said at last. “Of course you do, you’re smart. Well, even in the bloodiest of battles, soldiers call for a truce to collect their wounded on both sides, no shots fired, complete cessation of hostilities. You can shoot the fuck out of each other before and after, but not during a truce. And I gotta tell you, Blue, I feel like you’re at war with me and I don’t know why. So maybe out here we can find our place for a truce. ‘Cause I’m feeling pretty wounded about now, and from what you just said, I think you are, too. Whaddya say?”

  A truce? Maybe. Could be interesting. After nearly choking the life out of me, he seemed more relaxed out here, more human, less the stiff-necked holier-than-thou priest.

  I cocked my head on one side and gave him a small smile.

  “Okay, Gabriel. Let’s have a truce.”

  “Thank fuck,” he mumbled, putting his hands on his hips and leaning his head back to stare up at the millions of stars, tiny pinpoints of diamond-lights in the blackness above. “And maybe you’ll be able to tell me what’s haunting you, Blue, what’s driving you.”

  I shivered. Sometimes he saw too much. I’d have to be careful.

  When he realized I wasn’t going to answer, he gave a small nod as if he’d expected that.

  “How did you get up here? And how did you know where I’d be?”

  He folded his arms over his chest and waited. I pushed the toe of my sneaker into the dirt and debated how much to tell him: enough to reel him in a little more.

  “I know you go camping because Mrs. O’Cee told me, and Father Neil said which campground.”

  “And transport?”

  “Stole a car.”

  “Shit, Blue! You could end up in jail for that!” His voice was exasperated.

  “I’ve been there already—if you count juvie—so don’t sweat it, big guy. And anyway, I already told you that I’m not a kid.” I caught his eye. “Oh, sneaky! You wanted to check that I really am over 18.”

  “Yeah, ‘cause I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of your pretty little mouth. What were you in juvie for?”

  “I thought we were having a truce?”

  “We are, so I’m being honest with you.”

  I didn’t reply. I needed to think about how much I could tell him and how much I still had to hide. I decided I could give him something to make him think he was getting through to me.

  “I ran away and ended up on the streets. I had to eat so I had to work, but no one will hire a fifteen-year-old with no ID.”

  “So … you decided to turn tricks?”

  “Something like that. But the other girls didn’t want a newbie on their turf. We got into a fight—and I won. Cops picked me up and I ended up in juvie for two years.”

  He shook his head. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  “Yeah, well … I learned to look after myself. School of life, College of Knowledge.”

  He sighed. “You need me to walk you back to your car, Blue?”

  My eyebrows shot up.

  “Are you completely batshit? I’m not going back to a hot car! I’m staying here with you.”

  “Hell, no!” he yelped as if I’d bitten him. “I can’t be here alone with you. No fucking way!”

  “Scared of me, Gabriel?” I asked, lowering my voice. “Scared of someone half your size?”

  “And half my age, a female I’m not related to, and I’m still a Catholic Priest, and even if that means nothing to you, it means something to me. I can’t do this.”

  “I’m not leaving. You can force me back to the car—if you can even find where I left it—but you’d have to handcuff me to it and leave me for the cops because otherwise, I’ll be right back up this trail to find you. And if I get hurt or stranded up here, that’ll be something else on that heavy conscience of yours.”

  “You don’t belong here, Blue.”

  He waited another beat, studying the resolve on my face, swore, then turned on his heel and started striding back up the mountain where he’d come from, leaving me to scramble after him.

  “I’ve set up camp a quarter of a mile up the trail and at the edge of the tree line. Don’t get lost.”

  Smiling inwardly, I followed him as we climbed higher, stumbling over larger stones and tree roots, but he never slowed his pace, his large frame moving almost silently through the gray landscape. I sounded like a herd of goats clattering up behind him and was soon breathing hard.

  I was so relieved when he finally stopped, that I could have kissed him. Woah! Where the fuck did that thought come from? I hated Gabriel Thorne—he was a murdering, lying bastard! I wanted to slit his throat and watch his blood soak into the dirt. I didn’t want to kiss him unless it was his corpse.

  He stopped at the top of a rise by a flat area that probably would have an awesome view in the morning. He’d already built a small fire that was crackling cheerfully and set out a sleeping bag next to it. I slumped down onto it with my legs stretc
hed out. He raised an eyebrow.

  “What? I can’t even sit on your damn sleeping bag?”

  “You can sit on it, Blue, but where d’you figure on sleeping?”

  I’ll be sleeping with you, Gabriel. I didn’t reply, just stared up at him.

  “Fine, you take the sleeping bag. It won’t be the first time I’ve done without—although it’s been a while and I’m not getting any younger,” he grumbled to himself.

  He handed me a granola bar and poured a cup of coffee from a Thermos flask, took a couple of large gulps then passed it to me. It was bitter and unsweetened, much like Gabriel himself, I decided. It also had a healthy shot of whiskey in it.

  “Thanks,” I said shortly. “So, why do you come out here? Father Neil says you feel closer to God out here. That true?”

  He squatted down in the dirt and poked the fire with a stick, his dark eyebrows pulled together in his habitual frown.

  “I don’t know why this matters to you, but since you’ve asked, yeah, that’s part of it,” he replied at last. “Do you believe in God, Blue? I mean really believe? Do you feel his presence in your heart? Because I do.”

  “How do you know you’re not schizophrenic if you’re hearing voices and shit,” I scoffed.

  He shook his head. “It’s not like that. It’s hard to describe to someone who doesn’t believe, or maybe it’s like a sighted person trying to explain a rainbow to someone who’s blind.” He paused, reaching for the words. “But when I used to look up at the stars, I’d feel like I was the only man alive in the world, but now I look up and know that I’ll never be alone—God will always be with me. That’s a good feeling.”

  “Yeah? Sounds nice,” I said, bored by such a dumb answer, “but don’t you have doubts. I mean, even Jesus had doubts, right? That was in one of your sermons: ‘Oh my God, why have you abandoned me,’ or something like that. He was supposed to be the Son of God, and he doubted. What makes you so special?”

  He shrugged his massive shoulders.

  “Nothin’. Nothing makes me special but that’s the amazing thing. With all the cool and fantastic things created in the world, God still takes the time to care about me.” He looked up and smiled. “And he cares about you, too.”