To Be Your Only

by Rae Kennedy

  “Your mom’s in the back. Do you want me to let her know you’re here?”

  “No, that’s fine.” Please don’t bring my mom into this.

  “Hey guys, over here!”

  Wes’s hand is still lightly on my back as we turn toward Eric’s voice. And this is the moment my heart rate decides to pick up. Eric waves us over from a booth in the corner surrounded by windows. He’s wearing a soft gray T-shirt and his hair looks great. There’s definitely some product in there and he figured out the swoop thing. He smiles as we come over and I suddenly feel self-conscious about Wes touching me. It doesn’t feel right. Like, Eric doesn’t want to see that PDA, right?

  Lucy is next to him and even though she’s sitting, I can tell she’s tall. She has black curly hair and smooth, dark skin. She has a nose ring and is wearing a tank top that shows off her muscular shoulders. The whole time Eric is introducing her to us I can’t help but think about how striking her features are—and how different they are from mine—and how good she and Eric look next to each other.

  I slide into the booth across from Eric and Wes scoots in next to me.

  I smile at Eric. “Hey.”

  “Hi.”

  I have the urge to tell him he looks nice but I don’t know if that would be appropriate. Does he think I look nice? I wonder if he likes my dress. But he's not going to compliment my dress in front of his date—that would be weird. But now I’ll never know if he thinks it looks good on me or not. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he prefers the more casual tank-and-jeans look Lucy is rocking. Do I look like I’m trying too hard? Maybe I should have gone casual. I thought I was having a good hair day, but it’s probably just an average hair day if I’m really being honest. And my skin definitely does not look bathed in the blood of my enemies good.

  Thankfully, Charlotte comes up to our table and hands us some menus, pulling me out of my spiral of wandering thoughts. She starts going on about the Saturday night special as though anyone in town doesn’t know them by heart already. Saturday is meatloaf.

  When my grandparents bought the place in the seventies, it had been the classic American diner that sold mostly burgers, fries, and shakes. And we still do. But they had slowly expanded the menu to add Jewish deli sandwiches and soups. When my mom took over, she’d also expanded the breakfast menu and brought on a pastry chef to focus exclusively on making fresh breads and desserts.

  “I’ll just let y’all decide while I get your drinks,” Charlotte says with her oversized smile before leaving the table.

  I look through the menu even though I already know what I’m getting. I can’t help but peek over at Lucy and Eric. Are they sitting closer than they were a second ago? Their arms are practically touching.

  “Hey.” Wes nudges me with his elbow. “What do you think I should get? I usually just get a cheeseburger, but is that boring? I think I should try something new. What do you recommend?” His eyebrows are pulled together in slightly distressed concentration as he reads over the menu.

  “Do you like homestyle mashed potatoes? The ones that come with the meatloaf are really good.”

  “Hmm. That sounds good. I think I’ll give it a try.” He gives me the cutest little smile.

  I smile back.

  “So, Ky, is this pastrami sandwich Jerry-approved?” Eric asks while pointing at the menu, one eyebrow raised.

  “Depends on who’s in the back. If Ben is working—definitely. But Jim is a little stingy on the meat.”

  “Who’s Jerry?” Lucy asks, looking between us with an amused smile.

  “My grandpa.”

  “Pastrami sandwich connoisseur,” Eric adds with his boyish, lopsided grin.

  “Here you are.” Charlotte passes out our drink orders. “Are y’all ready to order or do you need more time?”

  “I think we’re ready,” Wes says, flashing his winning smile.

  “Great. What’ll it be?” Charlotte asks, looking at Lucy first.

  “I’m going to go with the fish and chips,” Lucy says, handing over her menu.

  I was going to order the fish and chips.

  I always order the fish and chips. But now I can’t order the fish and chips because Lucy ordered the fish and chips. It would seem like I’m copying her if I order them now. No one else probably would care, but I can’t out of principle. Fuck.

  I’m vaguely aware of Eric asking Charlotte who’s cooking tonight. She’s says Ben’s in the back and Eric orders the pastrami sandwich.

  Now Charlotte is looking intently at me and I think she said something that I missed.

  It’s not rocket science, Kyla. She obviously asked you for your order. Shit.

  “I’ll just have the cheeseburger and fries.” I’ll just be the boring one at the table.

  “Sure thing.” Charlotte jots down my order before turning to Wes, her adorable chipmunk smile widening.

  He orders the meatloaf and then somehow drops the menus as he’s handing them to her. They both get to the floor to retrieve them, each insisting to the other that they’ve got it and almost knocking heads in the process. They’re both bright pink and giggling once the menus are safely returned to Charlotte and Wes is back in his seat.

  “How do you all know each other?” Lucy asks after Charlotte has gone.

  “Wes works on my family’s ranch with me, and Kyla—” Eric looks across the table to me, our eyes locking for a moment. He pauses, swallowing, like he forgot what he was going to say. “Kyla is my youngest sister’s best friend, since they were little. I’ve known her for a long time.”

  “Oh, that’s so cute,” Lucy says.

  Cute?

  My smile doesn’t falter. “How did you and Eric meet? In school?”

  She shakes her head. “No. We really didn’t meet until last year”—she turns to Eric— “when you were renovating your house, right?”

  “Yeah.” He looks down, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. “I made a lot of trips to the hardware store.”

  Lucy smiles at him. “There was a good month he came in almost every day. Sometimes twice a day.”

  “I needed a lot of stuff. And I had a lot of questions.” He looks at her, a lopsided smile on his face. “And you were very helpful and patient with me.”

  “You’re pretty knowledgeable about all that stuff. Sometimes I wondered if you were actually coming in to flirt with me.” She touches his arm and his cheeks turn pink.

  Meanwhile, I realize I'm grinding my teeth.

  Something kicks my foot under the table and I instinctively kick it back. It was Eric’s foot. I look at him, our eyes meeting across the table and he gives me a mischievous little smirk. Then he motions his chin toward Wes, widening his eyes and tilting his head.

  And I realize that Wes is trying to get my attention.

  “Oh, hey. Sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.”

  Wes smiles and scoots a little closer to me. “That’s okay. I was saying that they’re showing a movie in the park tonight and we were thinking about going after dinner.” He looks over to Lucy. “That is, if you two wanted to.”

  “That sounds like fun,” Lucy says, nodding.

  “Yeah, I’m in.” For some reason I’m finding it hard to muster up as much enthusiasm as Lucy.

  * * *

  The sun has disappeared beyond the horizon, leaving the sky a bright turquoise that’s quickly fading to a deep blue as we get to the park. The big white screen is set up on a high spot between two clusters of trees and there’s a big basin-like grassy area in front of it where people are already gathered, sitting on blankets. A couple of food stands are set up nearby, selling popcorn and ice cream, and in the back, where the ground is all hard dirt and rock, people are parking to watch from their cars. Wes and Eric back their trucks into neighboring spots with their tailgates facing the screen.

  I hop out of Wes’s truck as Eric and Lucy come around to join us. The air is warm and still with the scent of sweet grass.

  “Did you bring the blankets?�
� Wes asks.

  “Yep.” Eric opens the back door to his quad cab and pulls out fluffy blankets and pillows.

  “So are we all going to pile in the back of your truck, or...” I ask as he hands me a heavy quilt. Eric’s truck is bigger than Wes’s but all four of us would still have to sort of squeeze in. I don’t mind the idea of squishing in though, especially if I was sandwiched between Eric and Wes.

  “I don’t think there’d be enough room for us all to sit together,” Wes says as he reaches for some pillows over my head. He gives me a smile and a playful nudge with his arm then goes to start setting up our spots in his truck bed.

  Eric winks at me and mouths, “You’re welcome.”

  It should be perfect. Cuddling up to Wes with a bunch of blankets under the stars. Instead, the idea that Eric and Lucy will be doing that in the next car over just irks me. I keep glancing over to them as they make their little movie nest together. They’re smiling and throwing pillows at each other.

  “How’s that?” Wes fluffs up a pillow and pats the blankets of our makeshift seats.

  “Looks great.”

  “I’m going to get some popcorn.” Eric jumps down over the side. “Can I get you guys some?”

  “Yeah, I’ll have some, man. Kyla?” Wes looks to me.

  “No thanks. I’m still really full from dinner.” I realize I hardly ate any of my burger, choosing instead to eat most of my fries and quietly chastising myself for not ordering the damn fish and chips.

  “Oh, I’d love popcorn,” Lucy chimes in. “But I couldn’t eat a whole bag. Can I just have some of yours?” She smiles sweetly at Eric.

  He definitely doesn’t want to share his popcorn with you. With anyone, actually.

  “Sure,” he says.

  I'm not a huge fan of the movie. I prefer to watch things a little less PG, but they have to cater to an all-age audience so the movies shown in the park are typically wholesome family movies from ten years ago. Instead of watching the screen, I find my gaze veering over to Eric’s truck. A lot.

  They’re sharing popcorn. Like, she’s eating out of the bag and then he’s reaching in and getting a handful, like it’s no big deal. This just goes on and on until the popcorn is gone.

  Right now they seem to be whispering to each other. I don’t know what the fuck they’re whispering about but I don’t like it—it puts their heads too close together.

  “Are you cold?” Wes’s voice is low.

  I whip my gaze to him. “Oh no, I’m fine, thanks.”

  His blue eyes drop to my bare shoulders for a second. “You have goosebumps.”

  I look down and my arms are covered in little goosebumps and just then a cool breeze rustles through the nearby trees.

  “Here.” Wes pulls one of the blankets up over my arms and tucks it in over my shoulders. He’s so close he can probably smell my shampoo.

  Sixteen-year-old me would be hyperventilating right now.

  “There you go.” He settles back against the truck, a little closer to me this time, his arm brushing against my shoulder.

  I glance back over to Eric.

  His arm is around Lucy. And instead of feeling excited about being so close to Wes—I’m sad.

  Sad that I feel like I’m in the wrong truck. With the wrong guy.

  CHAPTER 15

  “I’ll walk you to your door.” Wes says as we pull up to my house. He comes around to my side to help me out.

  He walks beside me with his hands in his pockets.

  I wonder if Eric and Lucy are doing the same thing right now. Standing on her front porch, looking at each other with small awkward smiles. Not sure what to say but lingering in case. Hoping. Is he going to kiss her?

  Wes looks at me with a sheepish smile as we stand under the bright porch light. “I had a nice time tonight.”

  I smile back. “Me too. Thank you so much for dinner. And the movie. It was a lot of fun.”

  Maybe Eric wasn’t going to take Lucy home right away. What if they decided to go for a drive somewhere? Or maybe instead of standing on her porch, she invited him inside. If I texted him, would I be interrupting something? I should probably wait until tomorrow.

  “So...” Wes has his hands in his pockets again. His white teeth graze his bottom lip as he looks at me through blond lashes. “Would you want to go out again sometime? Just you and me?”

  Air catches in my throat and I can’t breathe. Can’t move. My vocal cords are paralyzed.

  Wes is asking me out on a real date. I guess tonight was already a real date, but it was Eric’s idea—this would be a real real date.

  It’s exactly what I’ve dreamt about since I was in middle school.

  The hottest guy I’ve seen up close in real life—the object of my deepest desires—is standing in front of me offering more and I feel no spark between us. No chemistry. No fluttering excitement.

  And all I can think about is how soon is too soon to text Eric to find out about how his date went.

  I let out a long breath and meet Wes’s gaze. “I think”—I swallow. This is hard—“I have to say thank you for the offer, but I think you and I are just meant to be friends.”

  Wes nods slowly. “Yeah. Okay. You’re probably right.” He gives me a tight-lipped smile. “I'll see you around the ranch, then, yeah?”

  I nod and try to keep my expression light. The back of my throat prickles and it’s making my eyes water.

  “Can I have a hug?” Wes asks, taking a step closer.

  “Of course,” I say, my voice thick.

  He bends down and wraps his arms around my shoulders. The scent of his body wash lingers on his skin as I breathe in and he smells incredible and dammit! This could have been a perfect beginning with Wes. But, no, it just had to be a double date—with Eric. A date where I’d wanted to be on the other side of the booth. I’d wanted in Eric’s conversation. I’d wanted to be in the back of his truck, sharing his popcorn, with his arm around me.

  Shit.

  I like Eric.

  * * *

  I can’t sleep.

  I guess I’ve known it for a while, but actually admitting it to myself and accepting it is different. I like Eric. I really like Eric. In a full-on I-want-to-bone-and-also-cuddle-afterward way.

  This is not good.

  I can’t just pursue him—he’s my best friend’s brother and my friend. But I want to. There’s also the whole other issue of him possibly still being on a date with another girl right now.

  I glance at the clock. It’s almost one in the morning. I want to talk to him. I should wait.

  I toss and turn for what seems like hours. It’s been, like, five minutes. Fuck it. I grab my phone.

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: You up?

  I hold the phone against my pillow, holding my breath, the text screen glowing bright in the darkness waiting for a response. The little dots pop up after a minute and my heart jumps in my chest.

  Dr. Gallagher: Is this a booty call?

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: omg no

  Is it?

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: I just wanted to ask how the rest of your date went. Did you go anywhere after the movie?

  I imagine him driving her to the lake or somewhere secluded to make out in his truck. Though that’s a stupid idea. They’re not teenagers. He could literally just take her to his house to fool around. Oh god, I hope she’s not there with him right now.

  Dr. Gallagher: No. I just took her home

  Tension I didn’t know I’d been holding in my muscles relaxes.

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: Sorry if I’m bugging you. I couldn’t sleep

  Dr. Gallagher: You’re not bugging me. But you did wake me up.

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: Shit. I’ll leave you alone so you can go back to sleep

  Dr. Gallagher: You don’t have to leave me alone. Why can’t you sleep?

  Kyla ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: idk

  Dr. Gallagher: You sure?

  Kyla ‘dat ass�
� Rosenbaum: There is something on my mind I want to tell you, but we can talk later

  Oh my god. Am I really going to tell Eric I have a crush on him? Because that’s sort of what it feels like I’m about to do.

  Dr. Gallagher: Okay. Do you want to come over for family dinner tomorrow and talk after?

  Kyal ‘dat ass’ Rosenbaum: Sure

  Fuck.

  * * *

  “So, what did you want to talk about?” Eric nudges my arm with his elbow as we walk to his house after dinner. He’s wearing his signature mischievous smile and he has his hair styled back all swooshy again.

  I look down to my sandals as we reach the pavers that make up the short pathway through the wildflowers leading to his front door.

  “Just something I realized during the date yesterday.”

  “Oh?” He opens the front door to let me in.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  He’s waiting for me to continue but I just walk past him to sit on the couch while silently willing myself to have the courage to come out and say it.

  “How was your date with Lucy? Do you like her? You two seemed to hit it off. I mean, you were pretty cuddly during the movie—not that I was paying that close of attention—I just happened to notice.”

  Eric raises an eyebrow, his smile growing. “I thought we were talking about you?”

  “I’m getting there but I need you to answer my questions first. For reasons.”

  He sits next to me. I could use a drink.

  “Okay. I had a good time. I think her and I have a lot in common.”

  “Do you think you’re going to ask her out again? Like, on a second date?” Obviously, it’d be a second date Kyla—stop being ridiculous. “Or did you already ask her? Do you two already have more plans? Did you kiss her? Like, at the end of the date—did you kiss her goodnight?”

  He blinks a couple times. “Are you all right? What’s going on with all these questions?”

  “I can’t explain right now but I just need to know the answers, okay? So just tell me and stop answering my questions with a question. You’re not getting out of this.”

  He and I hold eye contact for another minute before he finally answers. “You want to know if I'm going to go out with Lucy again?”