Unreasonable Doubts

by Reyna Marder Gentin

  “It’s beautiful, Jakob. I love it.” He carefully put the necklace around Liana’s neck, nervously fumbling, just slightly, with the clasp.

  “I returned the engagement ring, for now. I think we both need to recover before we take that step.” He paused, searching for the right words. “Liana, I’ve loved you since the first moment I sidled up to you on that booze cruise, and I will love you forever.” Afraid that her emotions would run amok if she tried to speak, Liana burrowed her head deeper into Jakob’s shoulder.

  He brushed the curls gently from her face. “I admit that part of the reason we fell apart was because I didn’t realize that I was putting my career ahead of us. I won’t make that mistake again, Dragonfly account or no Dragonfly account. But however angry or neglected you felt, you lost faith in us as a couple pretty easily, and I learned that neither of is ready to be married yet. We have time. Not everything has to happen yesterday. Let’s try to enjoy each day we have together and not rush through our lives just because some people say that if you aren’t engaged by thirty, your life’s over.”

  Well, I vetoed that deadline anyway.

  “I think we need to make a toast,” he said, handing her a glass of champagne. “To us! To many, many years of bliss, both marital and premarital,” Jakob added, winking.

  They clinked glasses. He kissed Liana and pulled them both down onto the pristine white couch, champagne flying in all directions.

  Thank God we’re not drinking red.

  EPILOGUE

  Two Years Later

  May 16, 2015

  “Really?”

  “Really!”

  Liana was both surprised and touched that Jakob had thought to get her Mets tickets to celebrate her thirty-second birthday. She was especially moved that he was taking the time to go to the game on a Saturday night, the day of the week usually reserved for entertaining clients. In truth, since he had secured the Dragonfly account and made partner—at thirty-two, one of the youngest ever elected to the partnership at Wilcox—he’d been able to control his hours better and was making a significant effort to spend more time with Liana. He’d even gone to the trouble to figure out which night her favorite pitcher, Jacob deGrom, would be on the mound, and he had spared no expense on the tickets—seats on the field level with no obstructions, along the first base line, about ten rows up from the Mets dugout. Although still a die-hard Mets fan, Liana hadn’t been back to Citi Field since that fateful opening day over two years earlier.

  “These seats are awesome,” Liana proclaimed when they had settled in. Jakob seemed pleased with himself, sitting back in his chair and surveying the view and the crowd. He turned his attention to the scoreboard and the starting lineup.

  “Don’t you think it’s strange that Terry Collins has Wilmer Flores batting ninth, after the pitcher? I mean, isn’t that a little insulting, especially since he’s currently the team’s leading home run hitter? I know he’s made some errors at short recently, but is that a reason to humiliate him offensively?” Jakob asked.

  “Did you just pose an intelligent baseball question? Jakob Weiss, you never cease to amaze me,” Liana said, gazing at him appreciatively.

  And it was true. She and Jakob had become even closer over the past two years—as if the trauma of almost losing each other had awakened in each of them a depth of feeling that had been hidden before. In the immediate wake of the Danny Shea episode, Liana had been afraid that he’d beat the charges again and would come to find her. She’d changed her telephone numbers and her email address, and when the Levines offered her the chance to buy Deb’s two-bedroom apartment, although she was afraid of the emotional toll it might take on her to live there, with Phyllis’s financial help, she’d accepted. Several months after she’d moved in, she invited Jakob to join her. In the place where Deb’s comfy chair had stood and where Liana could still envision her presiding over her last birthday party, Liana had placed a used upright piano, bought with the last of her savings. Jakob filled the apartment with music, and Liana could feel Deb’s approval.

  After a lot of soul searching, Liana had gone to work for the Women’s Justice Center, a not-for-profit organization representing women experiencing domestic violence at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends. Liana had seen enough to understand that, while taking care not to blame the victim, there were two sides to even these stories—women who sometimes were unable to acknowledge their own roles in the deterioration of the relationships or who used the children as pawns to get what they needed. But for the most part, she felt she was on the side of the victim, and that was a welcome relief. Liana had come very close to danger, and she was gratified to be in a position to help these women access the court system to extricate themselves from bad situations.

  Of course, she was not the only one who, if belatedly, had moved on with her life. Even her mother had made changes of the sort Liana had thought her incapable. She was still spending a lot of time with Irv, to whom Liana would be eternally grateful. Neither felt the need to marry again, but they enjoyed every kind of cultural event, intellectual gathering, and food experience imaginable. Best of all, Irv had convinced Phyllis that in order to really take advantage of their golden years and everything New York City had to offer, she should sell the house on Long Island and buy a one-bedroom apartment near Lincoln Center, not far from Liana and Jakob. It was a move that Liana had thought Phyllis would never make, and she was enormously indebted to Irv, both for encouraging her mother and for all the help he’d given in going through the thirty-something years’ worth of stuff that had accumulated in the house.

  The two years had also brought a kind of maturation to her friendships with Charlotte and Katie. Although the three women were still fully capable of collapsing into hysterics or gossiping until dawn, those opportunities were few and far between. Charlotte and Howard had their hands full with the twins—Eliana and Katrina, named after Liana and Katie—adorable hellions who had the run of the Bromley and most of the Upper West Side as well. Charlotte was going back to teaching in the fall. Liana and Jakob had introduced Margot Lattimer to Katie, and she had become both a friend and mentor to her. Katie was on her way toward becoming spectacularly successful, managing personal wealth accounts at an exclusive private bank, traveling the world. She and Rob were happy, showing no inclination of marrying or even moving in together. When Liana would speculate on Katie with Jakob, he would gently remind her that each person needed to find her own happiness in her own way.

  And what of Danny Shea? Liana had followed his case closely, through the newspapers and an occasional email with Randy. Danny had been charged with attempting to sexually assault the woman in Prospect Park. True to Ms. Wellington’s predictions, the judge had allowed into evidence Danny’s “admissions” in the journal that he was sometimes unable to control his urge to use force against women. But because the attack had been largely thwarted by the woman’s fierce dachshund, the jury had not concluded unanimously that it had been sexual rather than a simple attempted physical assault. Liana knew that if the jurors had been privy to the entire truth—to Danny’s amorous state of mind and frustrated state of body when he’d left Liana’s apartment shortly before—they would certainly have found that he was out to finish with the unfortunate woman what he had started with Liana. But that interlude remained a secret, hopefully forever, between Liana and Danny. He was convicted of attempted assault in the third degree, a B misdemeanor, and sentenced by Justice Martin to the maximum, ninety days in prison. Although Liana could not have said exactly how it made her feel, she knew that Danny was out there, somewhere, and she believed he was patiently waiting for her.

  Liana was so lost in this reverie that she practically jumped out of her seat when Jakob leaned over her and said, “Are you even watching? Come on, girl, get your head in the game!” deGrom, the pitcher, had just hit his second single of the night, this time to load the bases. The crowd erupted as Wilmer Flores came to the plate. “Here’s his chance to really give it to T
erry,” Jakob remarked, and Liana laughed at his newfound enthusiasm. The Mets were leading two to nothing. On the third pitch, a ninety-four-mile-per-hour heater, Flores swung for the fences and knocked a grand slam homerun, 391 feet into center field.

  Timing is everything.

  The sound was deafening, the roar rocking the stadium as the fans cheered, “Wil-mer, Wil-mer, Wil-mer,” over and over again. Liana could feel the ecstasy of the moment pulsating through her entire body as she jumped up and down, slapping high-fives with anyone in her vicinity. Jakob looked happier than if he had planned the whole thing himself, smiling from ear to ear. The cheering went on and on, continuing even after Wilmer had emerged from the dugout and tipped his hat to the crowd. The Mets scored four more times in the bottom of the fourth, leading the Brewers by a score of ten to zero at the end of the inning.

  Liana was so transported that she was only roused out of her trance by the sudden bizarre absence of sound—an expectant hush had fallen over the stadium. She looked immediately to the jumbotron in center field, which she had been studiously checking between innings the whole game. On the screen was the following in forty-foot-high letters:

  THIS IS OUR MOMENT. JAKOB, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

  Liana turned to him with unconditional love in her eyes, and Jakob put his arms around her. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said, with more candor than the crowd of over thirty thousand, watching them on the screen intently, could have imagined.

  Cheers of “Ja-kob! Ja-kob!” mixed with “Wil-mer! Wil-mer!” as the players clapped their hands from their positions on the field, until some curmudgeon put an announcement over the public address system that play must resume.

  And at the same moment, in a small restaurant many miles away in Beacon, New York, overlooking the mighty Hudson River, Rosa and Boris raised their glasses of champagne in a toast on their wedding day, to the classy lady lawyer who had shared their taxi when they met.

  “To Liana. To Love!”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  There are many, many people who were my angels during this process, supporting and encouraging me from the time I started to write Unreasonable Doubts in the summer of 2015.

  Thank you to Brooke Warner, Samantha Strom, Julie Metz and the whole team at She Writes Press for giving me this opportunity. Thanks also to Jane Rosenman, my editor, for her guidance and good judgment.

  Thank you to my publicist Caitlin Summie, and my social media consultant Libbie Jordan, who patiently answered my rookie questions and did everything possible to get my book out into the world.

  Thank you to my brother-in-law Stephen Friedgood for generously giving his time and talent to putting together and maintaining my website.

  I am so grateful to Linda Fairstein, Jimin Han, Susan Isaacs, Bill Landay and Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. I hope to pay your generosity forward to other writers if the opportunity arises.

  A special thank you to Michelle Nachmani for insisting that I join her for my first class at The Writing Institute at Sarah Lawrence College in September 2014. That class, and the many that followed, have changed my life. I want to thank my fellow students and all my teachers at SLC, but particularly Pat Dunn, Jimin Han, Annabel Monaghan, and Eileen Palma, who helped me clarify my story and exhorted me to forge ahead. Special thanks to the members of my advanced novel workshop, Carolyn Lyall, Jean Huff, Greg French, Kim Greene-Liebowitz, Brooke Lea Foster, and Elyse Pollack, whose input was incisive and given with kindness.

  So many family and friends supported me in this effort, and I can’t name all of the people who offered a kind word or an interested question. You know who you are, and you kept me going. I do want to single out my sisters, Dr. Karen Marder and Dr. Dova Marder, my “almost sisters,” Rabbi Sharon Forman and Kim Hoelting, and my in-laws, Adele and Dr. Benjamin Gentin. I also want to especially thank those early readers who read one, and in some cases two, versions of the manuscript, and gave me constructive and gentle feedback: Floyd Abrams, Mila Bartova, Art Bell, Steve Bernhard, Rosalind Citron, Michelle Creizman, Lisa Currie, Sharon and Dave Fogel, Lea Geller, Cheryl Goldschmidt, John Horner, Shami Kini, Catherine McGregor, Esther Miles, Michelle Nachmani, Anyi Rodriguez, Emily Segal, Yonina Siegal and Anna Zolner.

  I would also like to acknowledge the late Rabbi Jacob Rubenstein of the Young Israel of Scarsdale, and Kate Charap, my work colleague and friend, both of whom died too young. They understood that life is complicated, and they are missed.

  There aren’t really adequate words to thank Pierre, Ariella and Micah. I can’t imagine a more devoted and loving crew with whom to face life’s inevitable ups and downs.

  Finally, I remember and honor my parents, Martha and Rick Marder. How I wish they could be here for this. When writing these pages, I felt their love.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Author photo © Ayelet Feinberg/Stephen Friedgood

  Reyna Marder Gentin grew up in Great Neck, New York. She attended college and law school at Yale. For many years, she practiced as an appellate attorney representing criminal defendants who could not afford private counsel. Reyna studies at the Writing Institute at Sarah Lawrence College and her fiction and personal essays have been published in The Westchester Review and online. She lives with her family in Westchester, New York. To learn more, please visit reynamardergentin.com.

  BOOK GROUP DISCUSSION GUIDE

  1. At the beginning of the novel, Liana is frazzled and barely able to hold it together at work. How would you diagnose her problem? Is she burnt out? Having a moral crisis? Out of step with her colleagues? What sort of struggles have you had on the job, and how have you handled them?

  2. Liana is curious about traditional Judaism. What has led her to explore her faith? How would you describe Rabbi Nacht’s approach to pastoral counseling, and does his advice work for Liana? Has there ever been a time in your life when you have relied on a religious leader to provide guidance on personal matters? Would you feel comfortable doing so?

  3. Jakob has chosen a career path very different from Liana’s. Is there truth to Liana’s perception that Jakob and the corporate attorneys at his firm look down on her work? Is it possible that Liana is creating an excuse to distance herself from Jakob? Do you think Liana is resistant to playing a traditional role in the relationship? Does her understanding of relationships change over the course of the novel?

  4. At the trial, Danny Shea and Jennifer Nash describe what started out as a consensual sexual encounter—the stories diverge when they have intercourse. Whom did you find more credible? Liana’s perception was affected by the fact that Danny sat in the lobby with Jennifer’s purse, inadvertently leading to his arrest. What did you think?

  5. In the Ethiopian restaurant, Liana tells Frank’s girlfriend Marissa that rape is not sexy. What is Marissa getting at with her question? Is she asking about power, danger, seduction, or something else? Is there ever room for nuance?

  6. On one level, Jakob and Danny seem to be polar opposites, and yet Liana is drawn to them both. What does Jakob offer Liana that Danny could not? What is it about Danny that Liana finds so compelling? Each tells Liana she is at the center of his world. What do they mean and how do they show it? And why is that so important to Liana?

  7. Deb asks a lot of Liana. Why, when she needed help, do you think Deb chose Liana over other friends and associates? Is there any truth to the notion that “work friends” are different from “real friends”? How does that play out here, and how does Liana’s relationship with Deb change? How is Liana different with Deb than she is with Katie and Charlotte? Is there a point when Deb crosses over? How does Deb’s situation affect Liana’s thinking about her own life?

  8. What did you think of Liana’s mother’s cautionary advice that marriage has idyllic moments, but can also be wrenching and turbulent? What about the more retro model of marriage presented by Jakob’s parents? Are these different views consistent with the concept of finding your ezer kenegdo (oppositional helper) espoused by Rabbi Nacht?

&n
bsp; 9. What do you feel is the difference between “getting off on a technicality,” and preserving a person’s constitutional right to a fair trial?

  10. At the end of the novel, how have your feelings about Jakob, Danny, and Liana changed? How has Liana grown? Will she be successful personally and professionally going forward? Will she be happy?

  SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS

  She Writes Press is an independent publishing company founded to serve women writers everywhere. Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.

  Shelter Us by Laura Diamond. $16.95, 978-1-63152-970-2. Lawyer-turned-stay-at-home-mom Sarah Shaw is still struggling to find a steady happiness after the death of her infant daughter when she meets a young homeless mother and toddler she can’t get out of her mind—and becomes determined to rescue them.

  The Tolling of Mercedes Bell by Jennifer Dwight. $18.95, 978-1-63152-070-9. When she meets a magnetic lawyer at her work, recently widowed Mercedes Bell unwittingly drinks a noxious cocktail of grief, legal intrigue, desire, and deception—but when she realizes that her life and her daughter’s safety hang in the balance, she is jolted into action.

  Last Seen by J. L. Doucette. $16.95, 978-1-63152-202-4. When a traumatized reporter goes missing in the Wyoming wilderness, the therapist who knows her secrets is drawn into the investigation—and she comes face-to-face with terrifying answers regarding her own difficult past.

  In a Silent Way by Mary Jo Hetzel. $16.95, 978-1-63152-135-5. When Jeanna Kendall—a young white teacher at a progressive urban school—becomes involved with a community activist group, she finds herself grappling with issues of racism, sexism, and oppression of various shades in both her professional and personal life.