Case of the Holiday Hijinks

by Jeffrey M. Poole

  Julie patted his hand, “I know you would, babe.”

  Vance had just taken a large swallow of his drink when he snorted.

  “Didn’t I tell you? Could’ve swore I did.”

  “Tell us what?” Harry asked.

  “Well, turns out the Murphy family had that tree ‘cause the father won it at his company’s office Christmas party. The owner of the company had bought one of Geisel’s trees, liked it, and essentially bought another with the intent of giving it away at the company party. All the winner had to do was go down to the lot and claim the tree.”

  “And I suppose Geisel delivered the tree, like all the others?” Jillian asked.

  Vance nodded, “Yep.”

  “I still don’t understand why Geisel only stole the presents,” Tori said. “What a horrible thing to do to a family just before Christmas.”

  Vance shrugged and held out his hands in surrender.

  “We may never know. If I were to venture a guess, I’d say it was because of Geisel’s difficult upbringing. Here was a kid that was first busted for breaking and entering before he was 12. As far as anyone was concerned, he didn’t have a home life. Thanks to his last name he probably hated Christmas. Maybe it annoyed him to see others enjoy Christmas when he didn’t have any fond memories of it? Who can say?”

  “That’s no way to live,” Jillian quietly said.

  “I concur,” Tori agreed.

  “At least the families got their gifts back,” Jillian said. “I’m excited the Murphy family will have a great Christmas this year.”

  “The father did his damnedest to try and give the presents back,” Vance recalled. “I had to tell him that the Secret Santa responsible wouldn’t be pleased.”

  “You can bet your ass I would be,” I grumbled.

  “Zachary!” Jillian hissed. She pointed at Vance’s daughters. “Language!”

  “It’s okay,” Victoria said as she smiled at me. “I’ve heard worse.”

  “You have?” Tori asked, frowning. “From who? When?”

  Both girls pointed at their father. Vance blushed and smiled sheepishly. Tori frowned.

  “I see that I need to have a chat with your father. We’ll schedule that for another time.”

  Vance sighed, “Yes, dear.”

  “Zachary,” my mother said, drawing my attention. “How are the sales of your new romance novel going?”

  The table fell silent. I groaned and leaned forward to rest my head on the table. I heard Vance snicker.

  “Romance novels? You write romance novels, pal?”

  “You do?” Tori asked, surprised. “I love romance novels. I don’t remember ever seeing your name on one before.”

  “Thanks, mom.”

  By the time I leaned back in my chair I’m sure I was as red as a lobster.

  “Zachary,” my mother chided, “you haven’t told your friends what types of books you write?”

  “Obviously not, mom.”

  My mother looked at me and then at my friends. A mischievous twinkle appeared in her eye. She looked at Vance and smiled.

  “You won’t find his name on any of his books because he uses a pseudonym.”

  “He uses a what?” Victoria asked, turning to her mother.

  “He uses a different name when he writes,” Tori answered. She fixed me with a direct stare. “What name do you use?”

  Well, the cat was out of the bag. There was no point in hiding it anymore. And you know what? I was glad. I was tired of hiding what I do from my friends. I can only imagine my mother sensed this.

  “The name I use is… Hannah? Would you like to tell them?”

  Jillian’s head slowly swiveled until she was looking at her friend.

  “You know what name he uses? How? When did you know?”

  “I’ve had my suspicions for a while now,” Hannah answered. She giggled. “It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I confronted Zachary with what I knew and he admitted I was right. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, meet Chastity Wadsworth.”

  Tori spewed her drink while Jillian choked on hers. I also heard Vance snickering at me. However, his laughter died off once he saw the look of astonishment on his wife’s face.

  “Wait, have you read his books?”

  “Every one!” Tori exclaimed, bursting into giggles. “Oh, Zack, what an imagination you have! I love your books!”

  “You’re Chastity Wadsworth?” Jillian incredulously repeated. “I’ve read all your books, too. I even wrote you a fan letter.”

  “You did?” I asked, surprised.

  “Yes. And you even wrote back. I still have it!”

  “The two of you corresponded before,” Hannah softly mused. “Simply incredible.”

  “To be fair, at the time I thought he was a woman.”

  Vance snickered again. Tiffany and Victoria giggled, too. I shrugged.

  “It’s a living.”

  “Jillian,” Hannah said, catching her friend’s attention, “I think we need to show him.”

  “Show him what?” Jillian asked.

  Hannah pointed back into the kitchen.

  “Remember what we put in the laundry room?”

  Jillian’s face lit up, “I do! How could I have forgotten? Zachary, wait right here. Hannah? Would you help me?”

  Hannah pushed away from the table, “Sure!”

  “What’s going on?” Vance asked.

  I shrugged and held up my hands, “No clue.”

  “I’m very sorry I let your secret out, Zachary,” my mother said.

  “No you’re not,” I laughed. “You know what, mom? It’s okay. We’re all friends here. I don’t mind them knowing.”

  “There’s something I need to tell you, Zachary,” my mother began. “I’m aware your father told you that my intent for this visit was to persuade you to move back to Phoenix.”

  I nodded, “I know. I told dad that it wasn’t going to happen. My life is here now.”

  My mom nodded.

  “I can see that. I wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you for taking the steps to return to a normal life after Samantha died.”

  “Who’s Samantha?” Victoria asked.

  “Shush, honey,” Vance whispered.

  “It’s okay,” I told Vance. I looked at his oldest daughter and smiled wistfully. “Samantha was my wife. She was killed in a car accident a little over a year ago.”

  Victoria’s young face fell. She hung her head.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Look, young lady,” I said, using a mock stern voice. “If you don’t start smiling again then I’m going to sic Sherlock on you. I’m sure he’d love to give you corgi kisses again.”

  Victoria brightened and giggled. I smiled back at the girl. I glanced over at Vance, who nodded that everything was okay.

  “This box sure is heavy,” I heard Hannah say as both she and Jillian came back in carrying a box between them.

  They set it on the kitchen counter after Tori and Vance cleared away some dishes.

  “So what’s in here?” I asked as I stepped away from the table.

  “Something you need to see,” Jillian told me. “I think it’ll answer the question I’ve heard you ask several times.”

  “And that is?” I prompted.

  “Why you and Samantha were given Lentari Cellars.”

  My eyes fixated on the box.

  “Really? You’re right. I’ve wanted to know the answer to that for a long time. Alrighty then. Open it up.”

  Vance pulled the box top up and off the base. Together we all looked into the box. I gasped with surprise. Inside were copies of my books. All of my books, from the looks of things. Aunt Bonnie had been a fan of mine! Why hadn’t I seen this before?

  I looked back at the top portion of the box. In Aunt Bonnie’s neat scrawl were the words ‘Christmas Decorations’. Well, that explains why I had brought the box down from the attic.

  “Look at this,” Jillian exclaimed, pulling out several yellowing newspaper
s.

  Once the papers were carefully unfolded, we saw that the papers contained articles and reviews about my books. I flipped through page after page from various newspapers. It looked as though any time a book of mine made headlines, or else was mentioned in a review, Aunt Bonnie had kept the paper.

  “She was a fan of your romance books,” Vance snorted, earning a harsh stare from Tori. “How’s that make you feel, buddy?”

  “She knew!” Jillian excitedly told me. “Bonnie figured out you were Chastity Wadsworth!”

  “How?” I demanded. “I never told anyone.”

  “Never underestimate old ladies and their romance novels,” my father philosophically said. “They…” He trailed off once he noticed the disapproving stares from every woman present, save Vance’s daughters. “I think I’ll shut up now.”

  My mom nodded, “That’d be a wise move, William.”

  “Did Samantha work for Semzar Pharmaceuticals?” Jillian suddenly asked.

  I nodded, “Yes. Why?”

  Jillian handed me another wad of dusty papers and yellowed clippings. She tapped one of the papers.

  “She collected articles about Samantha, too. Look. Here’s one stating that Semzar’s amazing sales team had landed a contract worth millions of dollars. There’s Samantha’s name. Was she a sales rep?”

  “She was,” I confirmed, “and a damn good one at that. Sam could sell ice cubes to an Eskimo.”

  “She was mentioned by name a few times. Looks like Bonnie collected anything that mentioned her, too. It looks like she was an avid fan of both of you.”

  “Look at this,” Tori said, holding a dusty piece of lined paper. “Looks like this was torn from a notepad. There’s a hand-written note here addressed to Abigail. Let’s see. She says that she has reviewed the offer and has to decline. She cannot understand why her own flesh and blood aren’t trying to make their own way in the world. Why do they have to keep coming after her and her winery? She also says that it’ll be a cold day in hell before she’ll ever see another label besides her own on one of her bottles.”

  “She loved her winery,” Jillian said. “She told me that the time she invited me in for tea.”

  “When was this?” Tori asked.

  “Years ago.”

  “The last thing she said is that she had to take steps to make sure the winery ended up in responsible hands and that she already had two worthy recipients in mind.”

  “She couldn’t have chosen a better pair,” my mother said in a quiet voice.

  I took Jillian’s hand in my own. I looked down at the corgis, who were snoozing by the fire. I glanced around the room at my family and friends. I reached for my glass of juice and held it up.

  “I couldn’t agree more. Here’s to Aunt Bonnie and her fantastically awesome winery that everyone seems to love.”

  We clinked glasses.

  “Hear, hear!” Tori cried. “I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!”

  “And a Happy New Year,” Jillian added.

  “And a pocket full of money,” I grinned.

  “And a cooler full of beer,” Vance finished.

  Tori slugged him on the arm.

  THE END

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  The plan for this particular book was to release it with the corresponding holiday. That’s what I set out to do when I wrote Case of the Fleet-Footed Mummy. I thought it’d be cool to release a Halloween-themed story on, what else? Halloween!

  It doesn’t work so well when I miss my deadline. Dammit. So, I vowed I was going to repeat the experiment, only this time with Christmas. This book is the result, and I’m so very pleased to be able to say that I made it. True, Christmas is only a few days away, but I made it!

  2017 is going to be one massive experiment for me. I’ve been trying for a while now to better organize myself and my time so that I can write more efficiently. Well, I’ve set a schedule and if I plan on keeping it, then I’m gonna have to buckle down. Here’s the plan. Next up is a fantasy novel. I’m giving myself 2 months to write it. Then I hand it to my Posse. Then, while the book is being proofed/edited, I’ll then commence work on a mystery. The mysteries, being easily half the size of the fantasies, should be able to be written in only a month. The book gets handed to my Posse and I’m off on the next, which will be another fantasy.

  See the pattern? One fantasy (2 months), one mystery (one month), and then it repeats. Now, here’s the scary part. If I can maintain that pace that’ll mean I’ll be able to pump out four fantasies and four mysteries in the same year.

  That’s the 2017 Plan. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it but I sure as hell am planning on trying. I hope to keep my Posse busier than hell this year. 

  Ok, I’m off to plot out some books. If I’m going to keep this schedule then it would help to have the books already plotted out. I’ve got some good ideas, including a prequel. Of sorts. Keep an eye on the blog. Whenever I get news I’ll post it there.

  Thank you very much for reading this far! I hope you enjoyed the book. Also, if you enjoyed the book, please consider leaving a review wherever you purchased it. Every review helps!

  J.

  December, 2016